AlijhamAug 14, 2014Aug 14, 2014 at 07:35 PM
#1
I haven't written in a journal since Hircine knows when. It kind of feels nice in a way, to get my thoughts out onto paper. Anyways, allow me to get started. Well, I suppose I'm allowing myself to get started then! That's nice, too. Very nice.
I miss Camilliana. I think about her every night before bed when I pray. I used to pray for her, but now there is no reason to pray now that she's gone. It's been almost two months, and it's still crashing down on me that I'll never see her again. Ever. She was my life, my being, my soul. I won't ever find anyone like her again. Consequences always come around, she told me, but I was too stupid and naive to believe her.. and now she's gone because of me. There is no feeling like knowing that it is my fault that I will never see her or my babies again.
Of course I have Wyndy, and I have plenty of good friends to go around, but good friends and a new son don't bring her back. They don't bring me back to our cottage in the wilds of Skyrim, they don't bring our children back. They don't bring that chunk of my soul back. Sometimes I pray that that void of my heart will be filled. Although I have faith in the Divines, I don't ever believe that my heart can be whole again. That pain always lingers on me, no matter how good I hide it, I can still feel it. I'm basically wearing a mask of steel for everyone to see on the outside of my heart. It's so hard to get in, get in touch with my emotions, if it's anything but Cami. Her name tears me to shreds.
I'm saying her name to myself over and over now, and there are tears all over the parchment. The charcoal is smearing and bleeding all over the paper. It hurts, it hurts so bad. I'm trying hard not to get Ali's lucky dagger from under my bed. Sometimes I think all would be better if I just ended myself, so I couldn't hurt anyone else. I never do anything right.
There is no other way to explain it, really. But.. I'll try. It's like everyone that I have ever loved and cherished sliced me up into tiny little pieces and left my heart whole. They all dropped it in the Nibenay River, where the slaughterfish devoured what was left of my soul like hungry lionesses. All of this pain, I'm so sick of bottling it up.
When will I find that person, that person that I can tell? I want to be able to spill all my secrets to one person, one person to love me and nurture me like I wish to do to them. I've thought about Bethany a lot lately, too. I contemplated telling her things more than once, but I don't know why I just don't trust her.
I don't think I trust anyone. How can I trust anyone when I can't even trust myself? I know that I'll just fuck it all up. That's the only thing I'm good at, ruining lives and slaughtering innocent hearts. If I'm not good at that, than how come that's all I've ever done? I never mean to hurt anyone, ever. I hate hurt. What did I ever do to deserve this? No one deserves to hurt like I do, that's why I need someone to share my feelings with, to nurture and adore and take care of. That person that will know me better than I know myself. I thought that person was Camilliana, but she's gone now. The Divines still have a plan for me, don't they? Tell me they aren't just throwing me out like a fishbone. I need someone to treat the way I've never been treated. I need to show that person the love that everyone deserves, to concentrate all of my feelings on and set my life on the path for. My ultimate goal: love. Real, true, pure love. That's all I need, that's all I want. Love. I'm just not sure if I'll ever get that thrill of a best friend, a companion, a hunting partner. Someone to dance with, to drink with, to share myself with. My missing puzzle piece. When will I find them, oh, Mara? Please don't leave me hanging. Please.
My head hurts now. The tears are sticky on my face, drying up as new ones come along. I'm scared. I'm so scared, I need to talk to someone. I can see my hands shaking when I hold them up to my face, my vision blurring from all the dizziness and crying. I can barely write. I'm so tired now, I feel like I'm about to pass out. I'm cold again, then I'm hot again. I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm starting to change my mind. As hard as I fight it, I can't help but glancing over to my bed. I'm getting up to get Arydonntas's dagger.
It took a long time to get to my bed. I'm numb all over, and I nearly fell five times. Now that I'm holding the Stahlrim blade.. I don't have any urge at all to hurt myself. I'm crying a little harder, thinking about Ary, too. He's not dead, but I'll never see him again. I took Cami's necklace from around my neck and wrapped it as gently as I could around the hilt of the blade and kissed them both. I'm not crying anymore, it stopped rather abruptly. I kind of want to smile, and smack myself a billion times over. They're gone, of course, but at least I have something to remember them by.
The shaking has stopped. I feel.. at ease, a bit now. I finally let some of my feelings out. It may not have been to someone, but just to myself. Perhaps someone will read this. Perhaps. I should really go to bed now, it's late and Oeve is pinching at my ankles. I think he's tired, too.
I'm going to sleep, but not before I pray. Goodnight. Wait, who in Oblivion am I saying goodnight to? This is my journal. Now I'm smiling. Very well, goodnight me. Sleep well, self.
Thank you.
I miss Camilliana. I think about her every night before bed when I pray. I used to pray for her, but now there is no reason to pray now that she's gone. It's been almost two months, and it's still crashing down on me that I'll never see her again. Ever. She was my life, my being, my soul. I won't ever find anyone like her again. Consequences always come around, she told me, but I was too stupid and naive to believe her.. and now she's gone because of me. There is no feeling like knowing that it is my fault that I will never see her or my babies again.
Of course I have Wyndy, and I have plenty of good friends to go around, but good friends and a new son don't bring her back. They don't bring me back to our cottage in the wilds of Skyrim, they don't bring our children back. They don't bring that chunk of my soul back. Sometimes I pray that that void of my heart will be filled. Although I have faith in the Divines, I don't ever believe that my heart can be whole again. That pain always lingers on me, no matter how good I hide it, I can still feel it. I'm basically wearing a mask of steel for everyone to see on the outside of my heart. It's so hard to get in, get in touch with my emotions, if it's anything but Cami. Her name tears me to shreds.
I'm saying her name to myself over and over now, and there are tears all over the parchment. The charcoal is smearing and bleeding all over the paper. It hurts, it hurts so bad. I'm trying hard not to get Ali's lucky dagger from under my bed. Sometimes I think all would be better if I just ended myself, so I couldn't hurt anyone else. I never do anything right.
There is no other way to explain it, really. But.. I'll try. It's like everyone that I have ever loved and cherished sliced me up into tiny little pieces and left my heart whole. They all dropped it in the Nibenay River, where the slaughterfish devoured what was left of my soul like hungry lionesses. All of this pain, I'm so sick of bottling it up.
When will I find that person, that person that I can tell? I want to be able to spill all my secrets to one person, one person to love me and nurture me like I wish to do to them. I've thought about Bethany a lot lately, too. I contemplated telling her things more than once, but I don't know why I just don't trust her.
I don't think I trust anyone. How can I trust anyone when I can't even trust myself? I know that I'll just fuck it all up. That's the only thing I'm good at, ruining lives and slaughtering innocent hearts. If I'm not good at that, than how come that's all I've ever done? I never mean to hurt anyone, ever. I hate hurt. What did I ever do to deserve this? No one deserves to hurt like I do, that's why I need someone to share my feelings with, to nurture and adore and take care of. That person that will know me better than I know myself. I thought that person was Camilliana, but she's gone now. The Divines still have a plan for me, don't they? Tell me they aren't just throwing me out like a fishbone. I need someone to treat the way I've never been treated. I need to show that person the love that everyone deserves, to concentrate all of my feelings on and set my life on the path for. My ultimate goal: love. Real, true, pure love. That's all I need, that's all I want. Love. I'm just not sure if I'll ever get that thrill of a best friend, a companion, a hunting partner. Someone to dance with, to drink with, to share myself with. My missing puzzle piece. When will I find them, oh, Mara? Please don't leave me hanging. Please.
My head hurts now. The tears are sticky on my face, drying up as new ones come along. I'm scared. I'm so scared, I need to talk to someone. I can see my hands shaking when I hold them up to my face, my vision blurring from all the dizziness and crying. I can barely write. I'm so tired now, I feel like I'm about to pass out. I'm cold again, then I'm hot again. I'm trying to calm myself down. I'm starting to change my mind. As hard as I fight it, I can't help but glancing over to my bed. I'm getting up to get Arydonntas's dagger.
It took a long time to get to my bed. I'm numb all over, and I nearly fell five times. Now that I'm holding the Stahlrim blade.. I don't have any urge at all to hurt myself. I'm crying a little harder, thinking about Ary, too. He's not dead, but I'll never see him again. I took Cami's necklace from around my neck and wrapped it as gently as I could around the hilt of the blade and kissed them both. I'm not crying anymore, it stopped rather abruptly. I kind of want to smile, and smack myself a billion times over. They're gone, of course, but at least I have something to remember them by.
The shaking has stopped. I feel.. at ease, a bit now. I finally let some of my feelings out. It may not have been to someone, but just to myself. Perhaps someone will read this. Perhaps. I should really go to bed now, it's late and Oeve is pinching at my ankles. I think he's tired, too.
I'm going to sleep, but not before I pray. Goodnight. Wait, who in Oblivion am I saying goodnight to? This is my journal. Now I'm smiling. Very well, goodnight me. Sleep well, self.
Thank you.