A Collection of Loose Papers

17 posts · started by Elsy Nightwind on Feb 22, 2015 · 12275 views · in Active Journals & Diaries

ElsyFeb 22, 2015

Feb 22, 2015 at 07:17 AM #1

Elsynia sits quietly on the riverbank south of Vulwasten. She pulls out some loose papers and a small, thin, sanded, flat board to write on. She looks up at the canopy of trees, and then to the water, before finally beginning to scribble barely legible words on the paper.

It's been far too long since I've done any form of introspective writing. I always tell myself I'll keep a journal, but I should be honest with myself. I never remember to come back to it to write, or I lose the gods-forsaken thing. So who knows, this may be the first in a collection of papers, or a single note on its own. I suppose in the end it doesn't matter entirely too much, as these things are mostly to organize my own thoughts.

She pauses, staring briefly to the water, trying to figure out how to proceed. The pen touches the paper again in an all too rapid movement.

Well, far too much has changed from the last time I sat down to write. I'm currently the "Lady of Vulkwasten," a mayor of sorts. However, many of the Sugar Claw Clan have taken to calling me "Treethane." It's all very strange. And rather lonely. Or at least, it was. I was beginning to feel unlike myself for a time there. A lot of people have left me. I suppose I can start there.

Dar'Atrabi— Dearest Atrabi has passed away. I miss her. I miss her guidance. Her little cub, Vajsari, is currently under Arisel's care and looks entirely too much like her. It brings me some sadness every time I see the little Vajsari, but there is a strange comfort in knowing Atrabi is living on in some form.

Ceylian— Definitely not a name I thought would be going onto this list... He just seemed so... different, last time we talked. Not himself, certainly. As though his thirst for power was beginning to grow out of control... The last time we talked was not plesant, to say the least. He confided in me his concerns for his Vampirism, and when I suggested he seek help, he lashed out... So I walked away. We haven't talked since. By the Green, that was months ago now...

Ainoath— It had been a very long time since we talked... But he's passed away. It didn't make me any less upset, that time in between where we hadn't talked. Perhaps it even made me feel worse. He needed help, he really did. And I wasn't there to give it to him. That night before he died we talked for hours, into the morning. I tried to convince him not to do it, but he seemed adamant... and he was. He killed himself the next day. I now have a crystal of his that I found on his body when he died. It's the strangest thing. It allows me to see him and talk to him now and again. Like a ghost of him. He seems happy, from the last time we talked, wherever it is he is... I should have asked him if he'd found Thorthil there...

She pauses to stare solemnly at the page. Her shoulders gently slump and she closes her eyes in thought. She withdraws a breath, allowing it to fill her lungs, then lets it go slowly. She opens her eyes to look into the river, then almost reluctantly pushes her pen to the paper once again. The writing becomes shaky and would be illegible to anyone but herself.

Thorthil— Yes. He's left. Or dead... To be entirely honest, I don't know how to feel. I've spent so long being upset, frustrated, and utterly sad over this, I simply cannot expend anymore emotion on him. I loved him. Loved. I don't love him anymore. It's a horrible thing to wish, but I often find myself hoping he's being prevented from seeing me. I don't know, I suppose that would be better than the alternative... It doesn't matter now though. He's gone. And I'm thankful for the time he gave me. But now it's time for me to keep moving. Y'ffre be with me, I need your spirit of the now, I need to remain in the present.

Her writing halts, and she blinks at the page a few times, turns the paper over, then continues to write.

It was very lonely for a time. It's as though everyone and anyone I'd been close to, barring Elros, Krynger, and Krimie, had been swept away. And to add to that, I was elected leader. Everyday, a long, drawn out monotony of gross reservedness, revolting professionalism, and hardened smiles. It was as though I was separating myself from... well, myself. I was withdrawing far too much inside of myself to keep up a disgustingly flawless guise. But thankfully, that seems to be breaking, thanks to Alijham.

I wouldn't have expected us to become anything, but we have — Alijham and I. I was hesitant, with all of his various lovers. I still receive warnings from friends of mine who know him. I think they're afraid he's going to hurt me, afraid he's going to change his mind. I'll be entirely honest, I often think the same about him. He seems to change his mind a lot. But truthfully, even having him tell me he doesn't have any sort of feelings for me is worlds better than being left to wonder for months.

She stops writing, looks over the paper, then continues.

I'm in love with Ali. It scares me. Not Alijham, no, he's not what's scaring me. Being in love again. It's utterly terrifying... but exhilarating. Exciting. And while we haven't been together for very long, I'm hopeful. We've been good friends for years. It's been a very long time since I've been this happy. This myself. And I don't feel alone. He's ridiculous, and I love it. He makes me laugh. And he's much too sweet to me.

Every now and again, I do wonder how long it will last. Even if Alijham didn't fall in love so quickly, even if we'd been together for years, I'd wonder. What happened with Thorthil has proven to me, reminded me, how fragile everything is. How quickly things can suddenly change.

She places her pen down, pushes the paper aside, and gazes at herself in the river's reflection. She closes her eyes and thinks for awhile, then picks up the pen and paper again.

I sound so pessimistic, but I really am hopeful. At the very least, I've been extraordinarily happy with Alijham, and if he decided to walk out of my life tomorrow, I'm happy he's helped me find myself again. He's reminded me of who I am. And for that I will always be grateful.

She puts her pen down, and holds the paper close, reading over it carefully. She closes her eyes to think on it, nearly committing it to memory. She neatly folds the paper and holds it in her hands, staring briefly. She stands and walks up to the bank, so close to the water that her toes are nearly in the river, and drops the paper in. She quietly watches the river take it, then gathers her things, and leaves.

Edited Feb 22, 2015 at 08:45 AM by 0

ElsyFeb 23, 2015

Feb 23, 2015 at 04:33 AM #2

She sits at the bank of the river, and looks down into the water for a very long time. Finally, she pulls a blank paper out of her jerkin and scribbles a single word out, carving it into the fibers.

Oathbreaker.

She stares at the word, then crumples up the paper and throws it forcefully into the river. She places her head on her knees, closes her eyes, and sits there for a long while.

Finally, she picks her head up again, and with a bit more composure, takes another paper from her jerkin. She pushes her pen to the paper, writing far slower than usual.

I'm sorry.

She looks over it solemnly, folds it, then places it in her jerkin. She picks herself up, and leaves for the town.

ElsyFeb 24, 2015

Feb 24, 2015 at 06:16 AM #3

She sat down near the river again, still in her dress from John and Beth's wedding. She took out a sheet of paper and began to write, mind full of things she needed to get down.

I've got to talk someone, just to vent. I need to let the frustration and sadness out. I hate feeling like this. Perhaps Alijham will allow me to ramble endlessly to him tomorrow. I'd also like to stop by Greenhill and talk to Elros.

Krynger pried me away from Ali today as he was showing me how to dance, and asked to speak to me privately. We proceeded outside. He very clearly expressed his distaste with my current "mate." He said some really terrible things about Ali, so much so I was fighting hard not to lose myself. I wasn't going to allow him to talk so poorly of someone I care for, just as if someone were to talk poorly of him, I wouldn't allow it. I defended Ali.

Krynger told me he wouldn't hesitate to "put him in place" if he saw the need. Which, given their past, could mean anything from yelling to threatening to burn down Ali's house again. So I told him, anything he does to Ali, he must do to me. No matter what it was. Krynger then agreed to leave Ali alone. I didn't think Krynger would be able to bring himself to hurt me like he would Ali. I'm fearful of what may be ahead... But no matter. I'm sticking to my word. ANYTHING Krynger does to Ali, I will personally go and find Krynger, and have him do the same to me.

I'm still rather livid about his threats... He did say, no matter what, he would protect me. Which to be honest, scares me... It's clear how adamant he is on hurting Alijham. If Ali makes so much as one mistake... Well, it would not be good.

I do miss Krynger. And Elros. I miss the way things were. We all seem to be under a lot of tension lately. I just want to go back to the Greedy Goblet in Sren'ja with them, have a few drinks, all of that. They way we used to do things, before we all went our separate ways.

She skims over the paper, turns it over, then continues to write.

I need to visit Greenhill and Baandari more often. It's been hard for me to do anything really though, as of late. What with all the things to do in town and the time I've been spending with Alijham. Not to mention, my thoughts have been making me rather restless... I couldn't sleep last night on account of the talk of the Hunting Grounds and my soul being lost to the Ooze... I feel nearly dead during the day, with my lack of sleep.

Y'ffre, I really do need someone to talk to. Keeping these thoughts in my head is making it difficult for me to fall asleep. I should try to go to sleep now.

She folds the paper up, walks into the river so that the water is to her ankles, not paying much mind to the hem of her dress soaking up the water, then drops it in. She quietly watches the river take it. Still standing there, she pulls another paper out and scribbles quickly on it.

Thoughts

Am I really cursed to an afterlife of eternal purgatory?
What do I do to make up for my offense, to make up for this curse I've contracted?
What of Krynger? Does he really consider me a friend? Do his actions show that?
Am I still mad at him?
How do I make things as they used to be, before we all went separate ways?
Is it worth trying to keep up a friendship that is threatening my other relationships?

She flips the paper over and scribbles again.

To Do:

Talk to Alijham, if he wouldn't mind listening to me vent.
Visit Baandari.
Visit Greenhill.
Call for a council meeting to determine festival details.
Get the guards their uniforms.
Ask Do'Ma and some other close friends of mine to go to the winery with me.

She shakes her head at herself, smiling solemnly. She was always making lists. She folded the paper and slipped it into her robe, before heading back into town.

Edited Feb 24, 2015 at 06:20 AM by 0

ElsyFeb 25, 2015

Feb 25, 2015 at 07:30 AM #4

She sits on the riverbank, a content look on her face. She then takes a new paper and jots down some thoughts.

Today was a good day.

Alijham was kind enough to make me some sort of elixir to help me sleep, though talking to him really did make me feel better. It's like my mind is clearer now.

I enjoy my time with him, he never fails to make me laugh. And he keeps me grounded. Though, with everything, when he mentions a previous lover of his, I do have to wonder if I am another number. He tells me, with me, he feels like he did when he was with his now late wife, which is something he said he hasn't ever felt with anyone else. It's sweet, but I can't help but become curious of how often he compares me to someone else. I'd hate to be just another... somebody.

She shakes her head at herself and flips over the paper.

I need to stop thinking so much. It's going to kill me. And complaining. I need to stop complaining. I haven't got it nearly as bad as I could.

She folds the paper into a little animal shape and gently tosses it into the river, watching it float away. She pulls out the paper from the day before out of her jerkin and edits it.

To Do:

~~Talk to Alijham, if he wouldn't mind listening to me vent.~~
Visit Baandari.
Visit Greenhill.
Call for a council meeting to determine festival details.
Get the guards their uniforms.
Ask Do'Ma and some other close friends of mine to go to the winery with me.
Stop thinking so hard, and stop worrying so much.

She looks over it, folds it back up, and places it in her jerkin again, then sits on the bank for a time before returning to Vulkwasten.

Edited Feb 25, 2015 at 08:48 AM by 0

ElsyFeb 26, 2015

Feb 26, 2015 at 06:38 AM #5

She lays in the lower hammock in the clinic, where Ali had placed her after carrying her from Baandari earlier. Her sickness woke her in the early morning hours. The potions he'd given her were the only thing preventing her from emptying the contents of her stomach onto the floor. She felt as though her stomach was swirling and churning, as she laid in the clinic, breaking into a cold sweat. She hadn't even bothered to change out of her formal dress from Sabirr and Sarena's wedding.

She listened to Alijham's slowed, sleepy breathing coming from the hammock above her, and shut her eyes, trying to will the pain away. By the GREEN, she had never felt this sick before. She wondered if Gnarlus had poisoned the guests accidentally or intentionally, or if perhaps someone else slipped something into the drinks.

She pulled her hood off, realizing she'd fallen asleep with it on earlier in the night, and peeled off her gloves. She rested her hands on her stomach and closed her eyes again, trying to fall asleep. She needed to quickly, as she felt a ringing in her head starting to build. Eventually, she nodded off to the sound of Ali's rhythmic breaths.

ElsyFeb 28, 2015

Feb 28, 2015 at 06:58 AM #6

Her eyes fluttered opened and she quickly sat up. She looked around the darkened clinic and held a hand to her head. She blinked a few times before realizing there was no pain left. She let her gaze move about the darkness, then took a deep breath in. Ali wasn't there. She began to wonder how long she'd been a sleep. Hours? Days? Though part of her didn't care. She was happy to be feeling well again, as it seemed the poison had worn off.

She took a hesitant step out of the lower hammock and slowly made her way to the door. She pulled the hut's thick leather sheet to the side, just enough to peek out. It was dark, and the moon was high in the sky. It was still night. Letting the sheet drop to cover the entrance again, she quickly pulled off the damned dress she'd been wearing the last two days and changed into her usual clothing. It was nice to be comfortable again.

Quietly, as if afraid to disturb the peacefulness, she tip-toed over to the cooking fire, now smouldering embers, and held a hand over it. She looked around for some sort of pot or container to heat water in. Ali must have one around, and she hoped he wouldn't mind. After some poking around, she found a little pot. Opening her leather water skin, she rinsed out the pot and added fresh water, then held it over the embers. Once it was well-heated, she added a slurry of various meat and insect parts that she'd kept in the pouch her father had given her long ago, then poured it into a tankard.

She sat at the table in the clinic, in near darkness, quietly sipping her drink. Once she was finished, she rinsed out the tankard, then crawled back into the lower hammock.

ElsyMar 03, 2015

Mar 03, 2015 at 09:10 AM #7

She took a seat on the same river bank, flipped off her sandals, then lowered her feet into the water. She took out a paper and began to write at a relaxed pace.

Quite a bit has transpired in the last few days. I've realized part of my hesitation to keep a real journal comes from my lack of wanting to remember every detail of my day to write down. Well, anyways...

There was a murder in Vulkwasten, but I had never seen either the murderer or victim before. The murderer claimed to be of the Morag Tong and had a writ. He willingly went to jail, but soon escaped thereafter. And to add to that, I received a report about a strange Imperial. He conjured a couple flesh atronachs, and luckily we were able to take them down. However, Mal and Do'Wadiq were injured severely. They're healing nicely thanks to Ali's impressive medical abilities, but the Imperial is still at large.

Other than that, there have been new faces in town. It's always nice to see new people. I'm excited to have this festival soon. I hope it'll bring even more to the town.

She paused to flip the paper over and continue writing.

And as always, Alijham is all too sweet and entirely adorable. He and I hadn't seen each other for a few days - far too long if you ask me. He had trouble sleeping and had been thinking about me a lot, as he told me. He made me the most beautiful necklace, with a sapphire pendant. I love it. I love him.

She smiled at her paper, reading over the words before finishing.

I'm so hoping the violent strangers stay away. I want to leave that back in Sren'ja. Aside from the havoc the passersby have been causing, things have been running smoothly. And Ali is making me more than happy. I suppose we'll see what the future has in store.

She folded the paper into something that resembled a bird, and threw it. It soared up some, and she watched it, before the wind took it away. She gathered her things and headed for the town.

ElsyMar 06, 2015

Mar 06, 2015 at 07:30 AM #8

She sat cross legged on the bank of the river and began to write, a content but thoughtful look on her face.

Alijham took me to a wonderful place in Reaper's March yesterday. Our own little hideout! We talked for hours there, about everything and anything. He tells me of these other sides of him I have yet to see, in regards to his anger - and he makes it out to be something awful. To be fair though, he has yet to see me upset. I'm not sure what to think, but it doesn't make me love him any less. Love means accepting a person for who they are, no matter what that is, no?

It still looks so entirely strange to see the words scrawled out across the paper. Love. Love? Again? I didn't think that would happen. If someone had asked me what I thought of it a couple months ago, I would have laughed. Love wasn't for me. But it seems I was wrong... And I'm glad for that.

I didn't get to see much of him today due to my schedule and how busy I was with preparing for the festival. I'm very much so looking forward to tomorrow.

She turned the paper over, let out a slight laugh as she remembered the events from the night before, then began to write them down.

I had what was probably the strangest experience I'd ever had before. I decided to visit Baandari yesterday night, and wandered into one of the buildings where Sir Kath was reading. I met another Khajiit there as well, and we began talking. Kath told us of this "Old Religion" or some form of religious-esque order that believes magicka is more than just a powerful force, but it is the energy that connects all life, and that every living thing has magicka within it.

He demonstrated for us some of this magicka. I observed closely, hoping to be able to do what he did - levitate! He was floating! The verses of the are in my mind, though I'm not confident I've remembered them correctly. I hope to try it some time soon.

I hope to make some more trips back to Baandari. Kath has agreed to teach me some spells and help me learn the art. It's quite exciting.

She folded the page and gently laid it on the surface of the water. She watched it float away before scrawling what she could remember of the verses onto a separate paper, and tucked that one into her pocket. She then gathered her things and left for town.

Edited Nov 24, 2015 at 09:18 PM by 0

ElsyMay 06, 2015

May 06, 2015 at 07:19 PM #9

Elsynia sat cross-legged in the dirt at the bank of the nearby river. She opened her hand and looked down at the little pebbles in her palm. She took one in between her thumb and index finger, then threw it, flicking her wrist so that it would skim across the surface of the water. She did this again with the next pebble, though her gaze turned to the river. She was in thought, and the action had become mindless, more of a muscle memory than a decision.

Her hand went to grab another pebble before she realized there were no more. She blinked a few times, interrupting her own thoughts, then looked down at her empty hand. She uttered a little oh then brushed off her pants. Her gaze rested on the river awhile longer before she finally pulled out a paper and began to write.

It's been awhile since I've sat down and written anything. I'm absolutely terrible with keeping these sorts of habits up. I get busy, my mind will wander, and I'll forget.

Quite a lot of things have happened since the last time I've managed to reflect. Terrible, awful things and entirely incredible, wonderful things. None of which I care to go into great detail at this time.

She paused and her eyes glanced over her wrists and hand. The cuts were nearly fully healed on her hand, and the only thing left of the bruises was a darker ring of skin running around her wrists. She blinked then pushed her pen to the paper once more.

There's been a call for a rotmeth order to Woodhearth. I'm helping Ri'Zharim with it, and I'm thinking of having a group of us caravan there for a bit. Maybe even ask Bhidul if we could use his ship and leave from Veyln Harbor. It'd be so nostalgic, like the time we left Woodhearth for Sren'ja. There were so many people back then... so many people that are out of my life now, for one reason or another. I miss those times, but at the same time I'm entirely grateful for all the things I have right now.

A soft smile played across her face and she flipped the page over, continuing to write.

The more and more time I spend with Alijham, the more and more I fall for him. I didn't even realize it was possible. I do think I owe him my life, after a run-in with The Company. If he hadn't found me... well, I don't wish to think further on that. I'm happy things have calmed down. I'm happy I have him.

I'm praying things remain as they are. In Vulkwasten, things are a lot nicer. There's been a lot of new faces and it makes me incredibly happy to see our little community growing. I do hope everyone sticks around. The tavern is so much more lively now. And with this order for rotmeth, perhaps we'll be attracting more people

She thought a bit before pushing her pen back to the paper.

It's been entirely too long since I've visited my friends in Baandari. I hope everyone is alright. I miss Elros, I haven't talked to him in ages. Not since his wedding if I remember correctly. I'd like to fix that, as well as check in on the clan. Perhaps tomorrow or the day after.

She pulled out another paper and wrote a quick note.

To-do:
-Visit Baandari
-Secure necessary items for the caravan
-Talk to Bhidul about possibly using his boat

She folded the note then put it in her jerkin along with her pen. The other paper with her reflections scribbled across it, she took and folded into a little bird. She leaned forward and placed it in the river. Her eyes followed it downstream until it was out of sight. Then, she stood, brushed off her pants, and made her way back to Vulkwasten.

Edited May 06, 2015 at 07:21 PM by 0

ElsyMay 17, 2015

May 17, 2015 at 08:04 AM #10

Elsy walked up to the bank of the river, tears falling. She sat down and wrapped her arms around herself, resting her head on her knees. She stayed this way for what felt like years to her. She wanted very much for the plants to begin to grow over her, for her to just become a part of the dirt.

She finally lifted her head, her eyes red and still welling. She paid no mind to the pain shooting up her back, and she slid her legs so that they laid flat against the ground. She still kept her arms around herself until they finally slumped to her sides. She drew in a shaky breath and pulled out a piece of paper and started to write.

Elros is dea-

A tear hit the page and she stopped writing. She raised her hand that held the pen and brought it down swiftly, stabbing it into the dirt beside where she sat. She pushed herself up and stood at the river bank. She began to tear the paper, her motions quick and holding every ounce of frustration, anger, and sadness possible. Once the paper had turned to a million pieces, she cupped the pieces in her hands and stared at them. A few more tears fell and she watched the wind take a few of the pieces. Then she pulled her hands apart, a majority of the pieces hitting the river and instantly swept away or below the water's surface, a few stray pieces caught and taken away in the wind.

She watched the pieces until she couldn't see a single one anymore then wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She turned from the river, stuffing her hands in her pockets and keeping her head low, hiding behind a veil of hair. She started to walk down the road that led away from Vulkwasten.

Edited May 17, 2015 at 08:12 AM by 0

ElsyJun 25, 2015

Jun 25, 2015 at 10:03 PM #11

Elsy sat quietly by the river for some time. It was early morning, and the mist off the water was cool. She dragged her fingertips across the surface of it, and thought quietly. Finally, after a time, she pulled a little parchment from her jerkin and began to scribble along it.

I feel as though these are becoming more and more infrequent. Sort of like an occasional mental assessment for myself. Sometimes I wonder if my father ever reads these. Then I wonder if he'd be proud of me, and I wonder what he would say.

Once again much has transpired since the last I've sat down and reflected. I'll begin with the more unsavory things, then end with the more pleasant ones.

There was an invasion of the Pact. They managed to get a few ships past the Dominion line and invaded Vulkwasten. Thankfully, our brothers and sisters of the Sugar Claw Clan, along with the Dominion reinforcements and our own guard, saved the town. It was absolute oblivion that day, but thankfully none of ours were majorly injured. We are still rebuilding. Some of the outlying fields will need their time to regrow, but we are in once piece. Y'ffre knows I'm thankful for that.

She looked over the page, then continued to pull her pen across the paper.

Eranor has been sent to Cyrodiil to help the Queen's cause. He's left quite a mess behind. Malyne is currently captain, but I haven't seen him around in days. I think it's time for a new captain. And guards. I've been talking with Ali about this. We also need a new head mage and head merchant. There are so many holes in our council. It's now time to fix that. I've been considering asking Racuvar to join the council. He's been appointed the town Spinner, and while Spinners aren't entirely mages in the traditional sense, they do have a certain gift.

I remember, father. I remember your gift; I think on it frequently and wonder if you were still around, how vibrant your stories might have become.

The state of the town is... manageable. But becoming less so. I'm desperately seeking help from the community.

She flipped the paper over and continued to write.

Back to that mess Eranor left behind. It's not entirely his fault, everyone who's been involved wields a large amount of blame. Hloriella is thought to have been charming Eranor into falling in love with her. This poses problems, given Eranor is- or at least was- in a a relationship with the now pregnant Krimie. Krimie seemed to have found this out, and beat her into a coma. I'm furious with the lot of them. If I didn't think they'd kill each other, I'd like to throw them all into a cell together and make them live with one another until they figured things out. I'm especially furious with Krimie. I don't care how hormonal a pregnancy would make someone, beating someone nearly to death is entirely unacceptable.

She let out a sigh, balled the paper up, and threw it into the river. It landed with a little 'plunk' and drifted away.

I'm not going to think about it. I want to think about happier things. I'm afraid I'll go mad if I don't.

The best thing that has happened to me, possibly the best thing to ever happen to me - Ali. He proposed to me. We are to be wed soon, though he and I have yet to secure a celebrant and a date. I'm so utterly happy, ink etchings on a piece of paper that I'll eventually throw into the river will not ever do it any sort of justice.

She paused briefly to think.

I must admit, I am a bit terrified of becoming a wife and mother. Ylir and Wyndhenir deserve so much, and Ali just the same. I want to be able to give them all the happiness they deserve. I'm just beyond thrilled and joyful that Ali has given me that opportunity in asking me to marry him. I'm eagerly awaiting the day. I love him, and Ylir, and Wyndhenir, so much. I think father would love them all. I think he'd be so happy he'd cry.

She flipped the paper over.

Until next time, river. I think I will have more, happier news then.

She folded the paper into a paper into a bird and placed it on the surface of the water. She watched it bob along the surface and float away, wearing a content smile. Once it was out of sight, she picked up her belongings and headed back to Vulkwasten.

Edited Jun 25, 2015 at 10:06 PM by 0

ElsyJul 24, 2015

Jul 24, 2015 at 09:16 PM #12

Elsynia sat cross-legged on the bank of the river, having decided to make a stop there on her way back to Silvenar after her visit to Vulkwasten. She removed her hood, arm cops and bracers, setting them aside as she sat. She collected her hair and laid it over one shoulder, then looked down into the river at her own reflection. She couldn't help a little, content smile as she dipped her index finger into the river and swirled it around.

After a few quiet moments to herself, she pulled a little parchment from her leather jack and began to write.

I've come to the realization that the reason I hardly ever come down to the river anymore is because I don't really need to. Well, that and I'm extremely busy. And partly lazy. So much transpires between each reflection, it's hard to ever get it all down on paper. When I look to start writing I never know where to begin. And aside from that, whenever I need to do some soul searching or I'm seeking to organize my own thoughts, Ali is always there to talk to me and help me do that.

What has even happened since the last time I've sat down and written? Sometimes I feel as though I've thrown so many notes in this river, the Valenwood is collecting them all and making a book from them. There are certainly enough pages.

I think, if I can remember, the last time I wrote was even before the werewolf cultists and the reappearance of Thorthil. A lot had happened. There was a lot of stress in me, between the cultists, the expected friction in the changed relationship between Thorthil and I, Lucian's countless attempts to convince Ali to sleep with him... I became sick. I think Xarineau called it an ulcer. There was a hole in my stomach for a time, and I wasn't eating well. It seems to all be sorted now, though. And thankfully I mean more than my health. The cultists have been eradicated, Thorthil and I have talked ourselves to a place where we both can consider one another friends, and Ali staying true to me as I of course expected from him. He's too sweet to do otherwise.

She flipped the paper over and pushed her pen to the paper again, her handwriting poor as usual, her mind moving too quickly for her hand to record.

But that isn't all that's happened. As I write now, I'm now a married woman - a new wife and mother. Ali and I were married yesterday by Ainaon. It was a beautiful little wedding with a small but meaningful crowd. And as I expected, I nearly wept during the ceremony. Ali's vows were nothing short of incredible, moving me to tears. The reception after was good fun. Ali had to leave early to tuck Wyndhenir and Ylir in.

I haven't gotten the chance to see them yet, as Xarineau has been kind enough to watch them while Ali and I spend some time together. I still can't believe I'm a mother now. I love the both of them dearly, they're both so precious. I want to give them each a big hug next time I see them.

Ali and I will be leaving town a day or so, once the Guard Captain Arena is held and a new Captain is chosen. He and I are going to be spending our honeymoon in Eastmarch. I'm not too keen on the cold but I do find the snow enchanting. I'm terribly excited. It will be like a little adventure.

Once we spend some time there, I think we'll be visiting my mother. I'm... nervous. Not because I think Ali will do anything to upset her. Quite the contrary, really. Mother has always been a little rough around the edges. I just hope she doesn't embarrass me to all Oblivion.

In spite of those small nerves, I haven't been this excited and happy in a very long time. I can't wait to start this new life with Ali. He's even gone and bought us a beautiful little house in Silvenar. It's really just perfect - a graht-oak decorated with Altmeri styled furnishings. It's like Auridon in Valenwood and I absolutely adore it.

She looked down at the parchment, pausing to think. Then she pressed her pen to the paper a final time.

Until next time, river. I will tell you more of this new adventure of mine. And if you are planning to collect these into a book, please make sure father gets a chance to read it. I miss him.

She didn't bother to fold the paper this time. Instead, she laid it on the surface of the water and watched the river take it away. Once it had left her sight, she headed back to Silvenar, where her husband slept soundly.

Edited Nov 24, 2015 at 09:21 PM by 0

ElsyAug 22, 2015

Aug 22, 2015 at 09:18 AM #13

Elsy found herself yet again at the riverbank. She was already deep in thought by the time she sat down. She looked up at the sky for a time before taking out a paper and beginning to scribble out a few thoughts. Her writing was especially atrocious today - her mind clearly moving far too quickly for her hand to record her thoughts with any legibility.

I had quite the interesting conversation with Thorn Con today. Once I had finished some business at the cells, I found him staring blankly. I asked him if he was alright, and he simply replied with he was thinking. A dangerous thing to do, always very dangerous.

He asked me what some of the things I thought about were, so I supplied him with an answer - the town, my family, often the state of a soul after death. Such mention sparked some interesting conversation, and began spinning a string of thoughts that I found worth writing down.

Remembrance
First of all, he mentioned how he thought he may be forgotten after death. I responded with that was not the case. I like to believe our stories live on within others, in the minds of the people who's lives we touch. Good or bad, it's still a form of existence. And if these stories are told to the right people, they can make us come alive once again, even after death. Much like my father. The thought often crossed my mind. When he first passed I often searched in desperation for any sort of way to be with him. I wondered if any Spinner with his gift would be able to tell me a tale of him, so that I might see him again. But not so. I soon realized, while it may offer me a brief moment of consolation, nothing could compare to the him my mind had saved. And I realize that our own recollection can sometimes breathe second life into the people we're missing. I often equate a life to a story. This is because, when it is said and done, that is the form we take. That is what we leave behind. All we can do is hope to make the story we write a good one.

Meaningfulness
We soon found ourselves wondering what it took to be remembered. I supplied Thorn Con with an answer of "meaningfulness." So then, the next logical question, what is meaningfulness? What does it mean to be meaningful? I think he seeks a grand gesture of good; a large impression in what we leave behind is what makes someone meaningful. But I don't believe that's so. I think, so long as you've done something for someone, even something as simple as make them smile for a moment, you've managed to become meaningful. Making goodness through little things makes you just as meaningful as those who do so in large ways. It doesn't take such a grand idea and action to make good. In fact, it's often the little things that become most important.

Motivation
He then asked me what my motivation to do good was. It's a fair question, with a rather revealing answer. I told him, life had been good to me. When I take into account everything I have been through and all of the experiences I've had, I've had it good. Sure, there's things I regret and things I wish could have turned out differently, but I'm happy. I have a beautiful, beautiful family, a husband that loves me unlike any other, the respect of my friends and peers... I feel like I belong. I feel like I'm needed. And that makes me happy. And I want everyone to feel what I feel, a contentedness unmatched, an inner peace and security. I want to create a safe place where everyone feels worth something, loved, and important. I want to make for everyone, a town to which they can return to and feel content... feel home. I believe in giving them this basis, a jumping off point so to speak, so they can do whatever it is they need to be happy without fear of failing, or fear of being alone, because they'll know they can just come home if something goes wrong.

Worth
The same as meaningfulness I suppose. A bit redundant. But anyhow, he brought up a point to which we decided to disagree on. He insisted he was less important than I, as though he wouldn't quite be missed like I would. I said that was not the case. I think it is only that I get more recognition. I told him no person was any more or less important than any other. That, so long as your intentions are good, even if you try to help save one life (and by save I mean, be it by making said person smile, all the way to actually physically saving a life), your heart was there, and that's worth more than any jewel on Nirn.

At this point she had begin writing in the margins to keep all of these thoughts on one side of the page. It was proving difficult, though she managed. Once she finished, she flipped the paper and continued to write, not skipping a beat.

Living vs. Dying
It's not quite the connotation you'd expect. I don't quite literally mean living and dying. Thorn Con mentioned how he felt empty inside. He had already lost a lot, started anew. He felt as though there was no point in building any of it up again, because he would just die anyhow, and lose it all for a final time. He seeks no companionship and doesn't want anyone to end up depending on him, because he doesn't want to let them down when he does die. I can understand the concern. There was a time in my life where I felt similarly. But, there is a difference, I've realized, between living carefully like that and living to love and inevitably lose.

Loss is inevitable. Everyone leaves, whether that's physically goes away, or dies. I fear the day of my death more than anything else. Not because I'm afraid to die, but because I'd hate to see any of my loved ones grieve over me. I'd hate to see any smile disappear from Ali or Ylir or Wyndhenir's faces. Even worse, I fear not being able to see them again. Ylir, perhaps, but being born werewolves, Ali and Wyndy are bound to the Hunting Grounds. That leaves my soul to my own Bosmeri peole, and theirs to the Hunting Grounds. An eternity apart. It's difficult to stomach. How can I be forced into leaving my family like that? But even now I'm beginning to run off topic. For that is a whole other personal issue I'll have to reflect on at another time.

I told Thorn, the difference between living how he did, and living with love and loss is, if one were to live his way, one would be living to die, while the latter way, one is living to live. Life is meant to be lived. What is the point in living if you just spend it carefully, with no friends or companionship, no love and loss? That is not living. That is simply waiting for you to breathe your last breath. That is dying. I don't care to live to die. I want to live to live.

And to end that string of thoughts, I've realized the conversation we had showed me what it was to live. Living to live makes me want to do better. Living to live - it makes me want to be unafraid, to set out to put as much good as I can in the world, even in little things, be grateful for the good I receive, and cherish the bad that comes along with it.

She paused and looked down at the page for a bit before writing again.

Thorn Con has left. I don't think he'll ever be back. I almost hope he won't be, for that means he's managed to do what he set out to do. It means he may have found his place of contentedness. I hope he gets to finish his story. I hope even more so that it ends well. Or at least, ends the way he wants it to. Either way, his story, and the chapters I got to be a part of, will certainly be remembered.

Elsy looked over the paper then folded it up and tucked it away. She closed her eyes and remained at the riverbank, thinkng.

Edited Aug 22, 2015 at 05:49 PM by 0

ElsyOct 13, 2015

Oct 13, 2015 at 08:15 AM #14

Elsy sat down on the dock at Greenhill. She took out a little paper and began to write.

My, it's been a long time since I've had enough time to pause and reflect on things. So many things have happened. Some bad, but so many good. I've decided not to think on the bad things. They are in the past now, and I have things to look forward to. So many good things.

Above them all, by the Blessed Green, I'm with child. After much consideration and talk, Ali and I decided it was time. I went to Bethany yesterday to have her cast a detect life spell on me to see if it had worked. When she confirmed I could hardly contain my excitement and happiness. She's so very kind for having done that for us.

I took Ali to the little area overlooking the beach today, to tell him. I gave him a little box with a blanket inside - a blanket my mother made. I'm sure he knew right away, as his eyes started welling and he began holding the blanket close. When I told him I thought he was going to faint he was so over come with joy and excitement. Then for a bit after I'd broken the news we just held each other, and it was lovely.

I asked him to sing to me - well, to us - during the pregnancy. I'm hoping in hearing their father's incredible voice, they may develop his talents with music.

I haven't told Ylir or Wyndy yet, though I'm sure Ali said something to them as he was tucking them in for the night. I hope they're excited. Ylir melted my heart today. Having her fall asleep on me so quickly was precious.

Ali and I are still trying to pick a name for our one on the way. For male names, we're between my father's name, Elramir, and his brother's name, Iselyre. For female names, I've always been partial to Emia, but he thought my mother's name, Cylari, was gorgeous, and I quite like his sister's name, Thessessa.

Y'ffre, I'm so terribly excited and nervous and afraid. It's going to be difficult to remind myself to slow down and relax, that I am caring for two now. For instance, that vampire incident that happened today... I probably should have gone with the rest of the caravan to Greenhill, but I couldn't help seeing the issue through to the end. I'm sure Ali would have scolded me if he'd been there. It's so strange, not being able to run out in the middle of trouble and help. I'll have to be extremely careful.

I look forward to the remainder of our travels. Perhaps more exciting news when we return to Vulkwasten.

ElsyNov 24, 2015

Nov 24, 2015 at 08:25 PM #15

Elsy sat awake in a snowy camp in Wrothgar while her husband and children slept. All of them were bundled up and close to a cozy fire. She smiled softly at the pile of them then pulled off her gloves to more easily retrieve a pen and paper from her jerkin. She began to write.

I'm certain the span between these increases each time. I'm really terrible at remembering to write these. Or, perhaps, I've just grown used to using Ali as a confidant rather than a piece of paper.

Anyhow, it's been about a few months since I've written last, and since then my "belly bug" as Ali so lovingly nicknamed them, is growing more and more each day. Ylir and Wyndhenir seem very excited. They're not even out yet, and Ali's already found ways to make them wiggle. He'll buzz his lips on my belly, which earns him a movement of some sort from the new one. It's really a strange feeling.

As I write now, I'm on vacation with the lot of them in Wrothgar. It's an incredible place. I don't think I've ever seen a city quite as extensive as Orsinium. We're staying in the coziest little house. But of course, I always find these sorts of cabins and such cozy, especially when it's so cold out I can't ever feel my fingers. Though tonight the littles and Ali wanted to go camping. Luckily for me, Ali made me a new coat.

The vacation has been lovely so far, and very much needed. We took the littles to the museum, and yesterday we spent a lot of our time in the library. Ylir has been curious about her culture, so I read her quite a few books about Orismer. Xarineau will be by soon to take the two of them off our hands so that Ali and I could spend a little time together by ourselves. He said he had an interesting place to show me, a place a little too dangerous for little Ylir and Wyndy. I'm excited.

She paused to hold her fingers near the fire before flipping the paper over and continuing.

All-in-all, I've been fairing well, though I do expect to feel a bit weaker as the months draw on. I'm very excited, in spite of that. And I know Ali is too. Y'ffre knows he'll be in the clinic all day every day, coddling the new one when they're born. He's going to spoil them so much.

I suppose I should get to sleep now. I hope all is well in Vulkwasten. I look forward to seeing everyone again soon.

Elsy folded the paper neatly then tossed it into the fire before quickly slipping her gloves back on and pulling a blanket tightly around her.

ElsyDec 02, 2015

Dec 02, 2015 at 12:23 AM #16

A nauseous, sore, and very pregnant Elsy sat in one of the hammocks. She had bundles of hides and cloths rolled up next to her. She was quietly sowing very small garments, presumably for the one in her belly. She paused to smile down on her work, then continued to finish the garment. She hoped Ylir would approve, and had intentions of taking it to her so that Ylir could help her decorate it once the base of the garment had been finished.

ElsyJun 06, 2017

Jun 06, 2017 at 07:35 AM #17

Elsy sat by the river once again. Her face seemed much, much older than the last time she had visited. She was quiet for a very long while, watching the river and the forest life continue around her, before she finally pulled a paper from her bag and began to write.

I have not been here in so long... I think it was because I used to always have someone to talk to. Someone I could depend on, who was always there. But now, river, I've realized you are the most dependable thing I have. Even above myself. I can hardly trust my own mind these days.

Father, if you read these, I need your guidance now more than ever. I feel so alone.

Elsy crumpled the paper up and threw it into the river, rubbing at her eyes. She sat there awhile longer in horrible silence, before she pushed herself up and returned home.