Musings of Fedris

Finally I am able to put my thoughts to paper...maybe this will ease my mind. I managed to pick this journal up at the market, might as well put it to use.

So much has happened since landing here in town, far too much to write. Hloriella...I found her, but I never got to ask her...now she is in a coma. I...no...I'll write about happy things.

If dad had been right about anything, it would have to be the beauty of Valenwood. Even lost in its wilds was thrilling, if not mildly terrifying at times. Leaning into the soft moss of a great tree, the sweet odor of ferns swaying in a light breeze, gentle hums of haunt branches bending, it is paradise. And then there is, of course, the bosmer woman. More vibrant than any city orchid, so full of life, vigor, and wonder. Untamed beauty run amuck. Dad, you had been right about two things it seems.

The town is always full of bustling folk, passing through or stopping in for a drink. Never a dull moment here it seems. But the regulars, I hardly know them and yet, I feel so comfortable here. Maybe, maybe it's just the years of lonely travel. Perhaps I just find myself starved for the conversations of old? The days with chattering with the locals for weeks, months even...the days before- *the name 'Rilodris' is crossed out*-. No...no thinking about that. Pleasant things.

It seems a fellow I met, Afer? Yes, I think that was the name...ah but he is to be married! To be honest, his bride to be sort of scares me. I swear that woman could kill me with one arm behind her back. But, I suppose she does wonders with Afer and his huge ego. It is nice to see such love flourish, especially for the foolhardy.

The barmaids in town are sweeter than the finest moon sugar. Well, that's a lie, only one of them is really sweet, the other, Kraytune, she is a beauty wrapped in coat of selfishness. For some reason, she really hates this town. She even tried to get married to two unseemly rich merchants passing through! I heard she finally went missing, maybe she found her gold plated happiness after all. Ah but the other barhand, Styletta, couldn't be more different. A soft hearted flower, that bosmer is. I don't think I've met a gentler woman in my life, she is almost like...a rabbit or mouse. For such a meek face, I can't help but wonder what fiery intensity sleeps...just behind those eyes. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she has always led such a simple life. Not that I'm the only one who noticed, I think a fellow bosmer, the towns Spinner in fact...Racuvar, I think he may be sweet on her. Can't say I blame him. Through this whole mess with Hloriella...she has been a breath of hope to these rattled bones.

The town healer, I don't know how he manages. Alijham. He single handedly talked down a werewolf the other night...and has been taking care of Hloriella, among everyone else who stumbles in, with such tenderness. How could he be a werewolf? A few months ago, I don't think I could have believed such a thing. Now...who knows anymore. I think he is lovers with the Treethane. I'm not sure of her name, but she looks to be one intense woman. I should note not to ever cross her. Perhaps I will get the chance to meet formally meet her.

Hloriella...gah...I finally spoke with the woman who assaulted you. Krimie, her name was. I can't help but feel only sorrow for that woman now, I'm sorry sister...but, her soft eyes. They tell of torment. Or maybe, it's just my weakness for bosmer woman getting in the way.
No, no, I'm sure of it. I don't want to see her cry like that again. Or kill anyone.

I have grown used to talking to Hloriella each night. I don't know if she can hear me...but it's all I know to do. I've grown used to this little bosmer woman silently listening. Well, I don't know if she is listening either, I don't know her name nor does she really ever speak. She does however, spend every moment next to Hlor...so she must have a soft heart. I think she has grown used to me too, she doesn't look as terrified when I am around. At least I think.
My mind won't be at ease however until I know...until I know if Rilodris...if it was... *several teardrops mark the paper, smudging the ink*

*The page is hastily written and FULL of smudges.*

A tragic fall from grace this has been. I haven't written in some time, so much has happened since the last passage. Hloriella has woken, but I haven't had the chance to confront her as now I’m tripping over my own problems. Where do I start? How can I begin to describe this...tangled web that constricts our lives? What. Have. I. Done.

It started one eve at the beach, my heart burned for her. It still burns. We started dating, an actual relationship...I was in an actual relationship. No more running, no more tearful parting in the dead of night, no, my heart had someone and they had me. Oh, my sweet styletta…

We were happy, the finest golden days of my life set to sublime star painted nights within her arms. I’m an idiot, a beast, I...I threw it all away for a few moments of hollow pleasure. With someone I don’t even like. What...what in oblivion was I thinking?! This is the penalty of lust unhinged...I’m no better than an animal. That damnable Reliza...he knew...he had to have known that little bastard...lured me right into his web. No, no, he isn’t to blame, horrid, foolish child that he is, I should have stopped...why didn’t I just stop?! Walk out?! *The rest of this sentence is an incoherent mess of ink.*

I didn’t. I don’t even like men and I let two strangers put their hands on me. I feel sick, no amount of scrubbing is taking this filth off. I let my mind be blinded by cheap pleasure. What if I lose control again? I could get killed...I’m supposed to be protecting people dammit! My Styletta, my sweet orchid...I...I stepped on her. This was never a problem back in Morrowind...maybe….it’s because I never had someone to hurt. Gods, how long have I been sick?! How...how do I fix this?! Now, now I’ve lost it all.

She didn’t even hear about it from me...I hide in a bottle. Her pain...I know she is feeling this tenfold my own. Her eyes...her tortured gaze rips into my heart with every look. I took her, promised her I wouldn’t stray...she must think the worst of me. Now...now another man is in her sights. I...I asked her about it. I didn’t mean to get so mad, I just wanted to know what this meant! I tried to send her off...set her free from my grip so she will be happy. I don’t think...she must have misunderstood me...what do I do?! Y’ffre...she told me she loves me, but likes this man. Did...did she mean she lusted for him? I don’t understand...if she loves me, why flirt with others...why not just sleep with them? Maybe...maybe she wants something more. No...I can’t lose her...it can’t be too late. What if it is? What if Hlor is right? Damnit...I never flirted with anyone with her...I never flirted with Rel...did I? I don’t think I did...oh gods I hope I didn’t!

She...lied to me. To my face...she wanted to hurt me, wanted me to find out about Thorthil. I expected such things from the woman back home...but Styletta...why! No...I deserve it. She isn’t to blame in this. I know she isn’t...I just want to crawl in a hole and die. But then, she will be left to endure this alone...

Sleep won’t come anymore. I barely finished my rounds last night. Who do I turn to...who can I talk to? Hloriella...that little witch...she just laughs at me. I don’t know why, but Newlynn seems to see something in her, he took me aside...asked me about her. I’m making her train with him, maybe he can teach her some respect...I’m done trying with her. She didn’t seem to happy about it, but oblivion if I care about that right now, I’m not training her.

I wish you were still here, dad...though I have a feeling you would just laugh too. What do I do, where do I go now? I’m so lost...things were so colorless before I met her, but at least no one was suffering. No...I’m still a guard, I still have a job to do. I’ll just focus on my training...on getting better. Styletta...my love...if I could take your pain I would in a heartbeat. Maybe tomorrow will bring warmer winds...maybe she will smile again. I swear...if anyone hurts her...i’ll wear their skin.

Many many things have happened since I last wrote….

Styletta, my jeweled, ruby haired beauty...she loves me! She took me back...back into her wonderful embrace. I couldn’t be a happier man. I will not screw this up again. No...nothing will keep me from her.
I do fear of her brother however...he doesn’t seem to keen on me. I’m sure he will accept us in time, I mean, he can’t possibly be as crazy as her mother, could he? Oh Y’ffre...her mother. Now, I do fear that confrontation, too. Regardless, I shall stand tall next to my woman.

A new guard captain was chosen, at long last. Under her, I shall defend the town to the best of my abilities. Ah...the murder…
Someone was murdered...two actually. A fair khajiit mother. Butchered...a kidney taken. They used my dagger...I hope no one is out to frame me. No, it must have been taken at random. Yeah…
Sweet young Avella...she too was taken. We failed two of our town in one night. Since her passing...I swear I have seen her. Heard her voice calling for help. I’m sure it’s nothing, maybe just the stress is getting to me?
The stress must have hit my sister hard, too. She has been swiping at things not seen, talking as if she is talking to someone. I think she is seeing things...I worry for her sanity. Maybe something in her head didn’t heal?
Gods...and she is with child. That….RAT. Reliza. He better father that child right...or I swear...I will hunt him down and skin him. Maybe he isn’t so bad. Hlor seems to accept him...but..gah.

An earthquake hit town! There we were, Styletta and myself resting before work when the whole house shook. Poor Basil nearly died of fright, poor fella. Several things broken, but no injuries thankfully. I don’t know what I would have done if anything happened to Sty. No...I won’t even entertain such a horrible thing.

The town is a mess...massive hole in the center and the tavern is...well, it’s insides are in shambles. It can be rebuild, however. The important thing is no one was seriously hurt.
Hloriella...she was acting odd again. She returned covered in dirt and blood, shaking like a leaf with an expression colder than morning frost on willow anther.
I figured it was the quake. Must have rocked her a bit too much. Made her some tea and she just looked at for an hour. Thinking back to what the Spinner Racuvar said, I should approach her slow. I won’t confront her, yet, but I’ll watch her.

Gods...Y'ffre, please...listen to this foolish dunmer.
So much has happened to my love, to my sweet Styletta. Hloriella, that snake woman! Why did she do this?! Journal, she took Styletta with her! She cursed her! I found her naked, covered in blood with my gentle bosmer in her arms. She claimed she bit her. Bit her!

She lied! Hloriella lied to us, to Styletta, there was no bite. No, my love's soul is still bound to the Lord of the Hunt, gods, damned her! Malyne told us it must have been by blood? Why would Hloriella make Styletta drink her blood? Why did she lie to us about it? Something doesn't sit right here, something is way off! What does it matter now? How she got damned, she must get cured! Her cries, gods her cries of pain, they tear at my heart. I failed to protect her.

To add salt to this wound in our aching breasts, Styletta's mother returned for her. She is claiming Styletta stole money from her, and is demanding she return to...gods.

To marry a old mer. Who said she had..good birthing hips! I can't, I won't let this happen! I won't! I will protect her from this. Maybe, maybe if I contact someone who knows about these issues, a house mer. These arranged marriages. Back home, I know they did this back home. Perhaps...it is time I get a hold of my mother.

She...she bit me! Styletta actually took a chunk out of my shoulder! I took a potion, I should be safe from the horrible curse, but...my sweet love, she nearly ate me! I have never been so frightened in my life. I thought I could help curb her hunger, pull her leash away from such brutality. I failed, It...it wasn't enough! Oh gods, I had to put a silver collar around her soft neck, it burned her. My sweet Styletta, I want to pry that monster from your heart.

Lucrezia promised a cure, that she would help. I just...I just want my love to be free. Oh!
But she said yes! Styletta, she, she will be my wife. It is all thanks to Afer, he has been such a good lad with this. I hope he will be my best man, I have no idea what I am to do.
My wife. A married man. Unbelievable. Never would I have imagined, sitting by those campfires with my father back in morrowind that this day would come. I only wish the ring I gave my bride was not a silver collar. I fashioned the pink shell to it, just for her, so maybe she will know I mean her the best.

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She is cured!

By Y'ffre, Malyne, he brought two witches heads and miss Lucrezia preformed some kind of ritual. It summoned out the horrible abomination out of my sweet love. The poor thing was horrified, my sweet wilted flower nearly fainted.
But...Hloriella, she was cured too. Oh if only the stars allowed it to stay so! I was so close to having her back, but the crazy kagouti drank blood! My Styletta told me it was her blood...?!
Why? Hloriella why in all the acorns of Valenwood did you drink Styletta's blood or even have it in the first place?!
I can't worry about that now, no. I have a future to set with my bride to be!

Miss Lucrezia was gravly injured...I don't know if she made it out alive. Malyne tended to her, I trust in his abilities. He did what he had to do and I did what I had to, I took Styletta back home, a mortal, free bosmer once more.

Journal, so much has happened since I last wrote. That always seems to be the case, doesn't it? The wedding is going on as planned...or as well as not planned. We haven't started planning it yet, probably should speak with Styletta more about that. She did write to her father! I hope he doesn't crush her spirits, he was a dog of a mer last we spoke. Poor girl has such high hopes for her family, only to have them crash at her feet. Maybe he has changed?

I haven't seen my brother at arms Afer around lately, which is odd. Perhaps he is off training? I hope he is doing well enough, I'll have to remind Styletta to refill the sweetroll stock for him as it maaay be running low.

We had a Thalmor inspection the other day, the Lieutenant seemed to be on top of everything. Those Thamor sure are snooty bastards! I trust this town and those within it. Sure, some have made some mistakes, but skooma addicts? Not in this town. He made such a fuss about one little old blood stain too! Ok, large blood stain. But honestly, that tavern has seen many blood stains. It's practically a way of life here in town! Come to the Tavern, have a drink! Oh mind the blood! I do love this town though.

It seems Malyne has a child from a past lover. Gods...Y'ffre, what a day that was! Nearly died a hundred and one deaths! The poor lad thought I was his father! Me! A father! Had poor Styletta drop to the ground in shock, my poor flower. Sern and Afer came to my defense, such thoughtful friends I have. I swear they saved my hide...especially Sern! Though Styletta was still mad something fierce the past few days. Thankfully, she didn't throw anything at me this time. She demanded names...I don't recall names. Faces, somewhat, hair color was the easiest! I was foolish and blurted the first thing that came to mind, I should have just lied. No, I could never. I do wonder what it would be like to be a father. I wonder how Afer does it.

What to do, what to do!
By Y'ffre, how didn't I notice? She did have that tired look about her, I thought it was the training! I've been up all night with these...things. How long was miss Lucrezia keeping this from everyone? What if I had gotten there sooner? Why didn't I get there sooner!

No, no keep it together Fedris! {He seemed to of underlined the sentence many times.}

Afer is dying. I don't understand it, something do to with the daedra who tortured him, power and emotion, but the way he was talking to himself like that, he didn't sound like Afer. Not the Afer we know. I fear for my friend, he sounds like he's loosing this fight, whatever it is. I don't know what to do, who do we turn to for help? I can't tell Lu, certainly not Styletta, oh gods no. The news alone would kill her...the mages guild is our best bet, but he didn't seem to agree. He just wanted to be alone. No, I won't let him face this thing alone, but it's not my place to tell others.

And now he knows miss Lucrezia's a wolf, of all the times to blurt that out! What was she thinking? No, I can't judge her on that, not after losing a child. Gods, the poor little thing. I look at Emelia and the joy she brings my sister and...this is just horrible. At least Afer didn't charge at her, axe in hand. Maybe we can finally get Lucrezia to seek a cure, but I don't think it's the time to discuss that. Then again, when would it be?

So much sorrow in a time of joy, Hloriella gave birth to the sweetest little girl. So tiny and pure, even if she did throw up on me. I can understand why my ruby bosmer wants one of our own. How could someone ever even think of hurting a child?! Should I take this to my sister? Her lover? It was his father, wasn't it? I can't let this lay.