(NSFW) Something Wicked this way Comes: Hlor's Log.

Mother.

Mo-ther.

What does it mean, to birth a child? To grow a seed? How does one know how to mother another? How to be motherly?

Fuck if I know. Children, horribly noisy little monsters. Kagouti sometimes eat their own. I wonder if wolves do to? I do not wish to find out, I seek a cure to this curse.

Kagouti mate for life. Or, until they met the end of our daggers. Flayed, undone. Roasted.
Did they feel loss? Maybe that is why they are so cruel.

I will not birth another monster.
Maybe that is what it means to be a mother.

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Trust.

It is easily won here, it seems. I watch them, through my helm. Protect them.
If they knew, I wonder, would they still?
Little Reliza, I would give my life defending. The others, not so much. Yet I watch them.
Some don’t need to be watched.

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Those...

Those bright eyes. I see them still.
I've been seeing things….since the coma.
Fluttering lights. I swipe at them. They vanish.
A figure, Avella. A visage of horror...she cries out.
I cannot sleep. We couldn’t save her.
I saw her, too.
My Snakoga.

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Eyes.

They torment me.

Her pale, still. Unblinking. Eyes. Like a snake. Dead.
Coiled around my heart. Constricting. In my sharp tongue she lives,biting on.

I call out, grab her...Fedris was worried. She was not there. She is gone. Just as Avella.

Am I mad? In the Fox’s arms, I find safety. In the Mouse's lap, I find bliss. What of my heart?
It bites, still.

Not…
Real…

I see her, yet she is not there. I touch her, yet she can not be touched.
I cry.
Why can’t she stay dead? Leave me. Rot far from me.
Little Reliza. He must think I’m insane. Maybe I am...my poor Mouse. He worries. I didn't think he cared.
I’m so afraid.
Those warm arms...they offer a shroud of clarity.
The spinner, Racuvar, maybe he can help. I must find him.

------------------------------
They must not know.

Lu must not tell. What if he found me? He will kill us. I can forgive her, I think. She wasn't a slaver, her pig of a man was. I wish him to be gutted.
The note pinned to mine must have been a cruel joke. Who could be so cold? I can trust very few now.
-----------------------------------------

Are things falling apart in this town, or getting back in order?

I can never tell.

Woke up in a sweat, my throat feels strange. Feeling tired.

Lying to myself...

I have been lying to myself. I can't escape them, they are coming, they did come.

I cower.

Maybe not them...but others like them. Slavers.

Saved a young woman from them, filthy rats. A dunmer woman. No doubt what the poor girl was used for...wanted to spill their insides out. Rend flesh from bone. Watch the light fade from their pathetic eyes. I failed, bastard got me in the leg. I should have given in, I should have turned beast. I didn't. Was it fear? No....no...our child. Our baby. I can't risk our child.
I see her, the poor dunmer woman, and all I can think of is myself. It could have been me. It once was me.
I won't rest until they are rooted out of the area at any cost.

I have a new scar.
I am not ashamed of this one.

Afer told me Fedris also saw Avella. Did he also see Snakoga? No...
Maybe I am mad after all, then.
Must see the spinner...the Spider Racuvar. Ever watching us, ever spinning. Wise bosmer he is...

Malyne and Lu have been getting close. Not that I care. Why should I? No. I do not. Malyne. Foolish Hound.

I feel ill. Weak. Achy. Maybe I am sick. Fedris is worried. I flicked his nose, he worries to much.
Mustn't get my Reliza sick, poor boy. He suffers enough inside. I wanted to buy him some soaps from that Green Kid, Mok? Mok. Maybe another day.

Can't think...my head...throat...feels foggy.

Don't know.
I don't. I just don't.
Swirling downward, onward, forward, maybe someday...upward.

I'm sick. Mok saved my life. Why? I never did anything for him.
I said some things to the Hound, I told him. I just want to hide, maybe forever.
It felt good. Speaking about my feelings. He says they matter. Everyone's actions always shown me otherwise.
Used, thrown aside. An afterthought.

No, I feel different. Maybe he is right. I wish I could kill this feeling, but it felt safe, a relief.
I can't have what I want, so I will wait.
I trust him.
I feel, happier. New.

And sick.
Ugh.

He knows. Fedris knows. He knows.

I told Krimie. Not everything, but I told. It felt right.
I threw it away, my cage. I don't need it anymore, I think.

Will.

Willpower.

I set another bird free. My heart breaks.

They are sick. I'm sorry.
My Painted Mouse has not been around, hopefully he is far from this place of strife.
I uncurl.

Going to take a walk.

Betray.

I have betrayed the Old Wolf, Malaki, and thus betrayed Styletta.

I can not protect them from him, from both of them, so I shall bury my teeth into them and drive them to safety.
I'm sorry Lu, Tigress. I am sorry Malyne, Hound. I am sorry Styletta, new Red Wolf.

Sern...Pirate...my Pirate...You say you can protect me.

Can he protect me from myself? From this Pulling Chill? So kind under that golden skin, those sun filled eyes bring me warmth. Or are you out to betray as well? I will learn your heart.

Eranor has returned. Makes me want to eat things, people. So very angry, so very hurt. I gnash my teeth at the air, his scent calms and angers me at once. Krimie is broken. Love betrayed her. What if I end up the same? Such a weakness..

I will eat him. I will hunt Rildoris. I will eat him and eat his sin.

I WILL find peace, by heart or blood. I will find it. What is it those priests would read of those lessons...did Vivec not say to reach heaven by violence? I will take that of his words. I shall find my heaven then.

Fires are lit. It has started. Cidius, he has Rildoris. I left to end this. I have gone to eat him.

Part of me will live. Part of me will die. Part of me is already festering away.

Sern, Pirate. I will spare you from this. I will push you away with my teeth if I must. You love a monster. That monster will not have your love. I will drive you to safety, away. Far away.

It is a weakness I can not have.

Rildoris, nothing will keep me from ending you. Nothing. I trade it all for this chance. My heart. My love. My sanity.

Zero plus zero WILL equal one: the love you stole. The one you slaughtered. The woman I loved. Her cries, I hear them calling.

Loveless beast, man of zero heart, zero restraint, hear my howling cries!

I shall unmake you in pain the way you unmade me.

I will be free.

Love.

Love is a fruit these lips won't taste again, for I have cut out my tongue.

He is dead. It is done. I ate him.
Rildoris is dead.

Lu is avenged.
She is avenged.

I am free.

Hate.

I am learning to control it, to control my anger. I hated him, the Old One. Now, now I am not so sure. He is wise, strong. So very strong. Terribly frighting.
I can't lose it, more punishments will follow. Terrible things. I can't let him down, no. I will prove to him I can do it! Prove to them all!
The teeth bite, but hit only air. The chain is pulled. He holds that chain, and I hold respect. Old One, I will be like you, one day. His smell intrigued me.

Eranor. I hope he does not snap his neck. Gods. Please. I will die.
No longer care who knows. About him, will proudly shout it into faces. I run with him now, is my nose blinded now?
I do not care. So very happy. Coiling around this warmth. I will constrict it, a willing sacrifice.

Love.
Ew.
He lost. My idiot good for nothing brother actually lost a fight. Good job, wonderful. Now Styletta is going to marry some old fossil of a bosmer. Disgusting.

Old One forbid me from interfering, so I won't interfere...he is terrifying when he is mad. More terrifying then wedding an old crusty mer? I wonder. I'm scared, at least. Is this how Krimie felt?
Fuck.
I will bide.
I will keep my word. I always keep my word.

Whore.

That word.
Foolish woman. All that work, lost! All that control, gone. Felt so right though. So Styletta's brother is missing some teeth now, what is the harm?

So tired of hearing it. That word. It is not true! Rildoris is wrong! They are wrong!
So very, very sad.

I hope Old One does not find out...he is terrible when he is mad. Will he be disappointed in me?

My Eranor, my sweet foolish bosmer...
Did something...terrible. He is scary, I never knew he could be scary like that. Like him.
He wishes to make things right again. What do I even know of him?
His arms are warm and safe, that is what I know best.

His hair is soft. Old One. He rewarded me! Gave me something special, a pouch full of herbs and flowers, the scent of the jungle. It is some kind of charm to aid me, to help conceal my scent. Such a useful thing! I must not lose it, it is special. I hope he doesn't take it back when he learns I broke Fin's face.

I never thought of him with a mother. I guess that is foolish, too. He has a brother. I wonder if he is as scary? He said family is important.
I broke up a family. Was it ever a family? Will her children call me a whore too?
I should mend things with Fedris.

What is Eranor's family like, I wonder?
Father, would you be mad if you saw me now? I am glad you are dead. I don't want to see you mad. Or mother.

No, I wish she was still here.

Pirate sent me a tooth, a big one. I guess he can handle himself, to kill something that big.

Unfinished life.

He is gone. I don't know where. I woke up and he was gone.

Everything was simply left. Blood, so much blood everywhere. Someone got him, I am sure of it. He wouldn't just abandon me, would he?
Was my healing not enough? I tried so hard.
He was dying when I found him, I did my best. Maybe it wasn't enough.
His last words, they haunt me.
It was my fault. Something I had done, it caused him death. What did I do?
Was it his family? All I could find was an amulet of Stendarr and some tattered bits of a tabard. What does this mean? What have I done this time?
He told me to stay away. Why, why?!
What do I do now? Who was strong enough to do that to him?

I still have the unfinished carving he made. A bird? I think it was. I will finish it. Maybe someone can teach me to carve, or I will teach myself.

Malaki. I hope you didn't die alone. I tried, I did.


That bitch dunmer, Nara. She attacked me again. Beat my head bloody, pressed a knife to my throat. Touched my face. Her sick, sick words, the town has no idea. The Treethane harbors a psychopath. It's only a matter of time.

Nara will know my suffering soon enough. Maybe she did it.

Or maybe he just abandoned me.
I will ask in town, someone has to know what that amulet means.

I will survive. I don't need him to survive. I don't need anyone to survive.

Cured.

It happened. The Hound brought two witches heads from oblivion knows where to Tigress, summoned Fedris and Styletta, myself, I was interested in seeing such a thing.
Lucrezia did something, said some old words, it worked. It drew the Red Wolf's spirit from her, but then my own! Foolish moron, foolish Tigress! I nearly lost my gift to such a blunder!

No matter, I still had her blood, Styletta's, Old One's curse flowed thick in it. I drank it, I feel my blessing return. Would such a thing work again? I need to be more careful. But...
His blood now runs through my veins. I do not feel the connection I once had, the pull, to Malyne, to Eranor. At least his bloodline lives in my veins, and perhaps someday, my arms will unfurl, coiled around Vulk, a shadow. His shadow, my teeth. The blessing shall be spread, my pack will grow. Coiled, hidden, I bide. Someday.

Fuck...I left Lucrezia for dead...my friend. I'm so sorry, I lay here, in the dirt. The trees. Among the aching branches. All I can think of is what I have done. Malyne...surely he had saved her, yeah? He must have. He had to have.

I grow hesitant. That stranger, the Lone Wolf, he saw it all. I know he did. I must speak with him.

Three...what have I become. Malaki, why did you have to die.

An old book, his sister came for it. She isn't getting it. I do not know what it is, some kind of old spell book? No one will find it...

My Eranor is distant. Not in words, but in his eyes. They do not remember me, who we were, who he was. I bark to him and he falls in line. His fight, his passion...it is absent. I look into those eyes and wonder, Eranor, where have you flown off to? Where have you gone?

In many ways, I seem to have lost them. At least Fedris is no longer mad with me.

I should stick to the tavern more, maybe their laughter will help.

Well.

I sent Eranor, my Tree Wolf, free.
I should feel sad, yet...I do not.
He never really returned to me. To any of us. It is as if he died in battle, never to return to those he loved, who loved him. A hollow, empty shell of a long dead Strider.
Blinded fool I had been.

It seems my heart walks the forests alone once more. This, this makes me sad.

Damned werewolf hunter...

Killed a foolish stray. The argonian helped him. Must keep two steps ahead and three paces to the left of him.

If matters were not stressful enough, Old One's sister is on my tail for that damn book. I looked at it, at the page. Nothing but magical symbols, something arcane? I can't read it, useless to me. But she will not have it. It smells too much like him.

Time.

It is a strange thing, what it does. How much time has it been since I last wrote? Feels like ages.
Death is so frighting, to face it or see it, to feel it's cold tendrils pulling you to rest. Sometimes, we are spared this fate. Given a second chance as death releases it's jaw from your windpipe just as the light starts to fade.
It turns out I was tricked, and by my own Alpha. Malaki had not died, he ran off the night he was wounded. It was like he came back from the dead, I was so sure he was gone. But no, appeared out of nowhere and saved me from his bitch of a sister! I don't think I have ever had such a moment of pure anger and happiness in my life. I suppose if you are to lie about something, coming back from the dead is the best lie to be caught in. The death of grief. The birth of confusion. A new beginning.

That witch, Naomi nearly killed me over that damn fucking book! A book! I had returned to the rainforest after the town left on their little trip. No point in tagging along when a fucking werewolf hunter lingering in their ranks. Gray, I think he calls himself. He and the old wolf Alena seem close. Odd, really, foolish girl. She was very affectionate to the man, are they lovers? Gross. What does she see that I do not? No, I do not trust him. Far too much blood on his hands, she will end up a new rug I am sure of it.

Regardless.

A silver dagger and a fist full of wolfsbane took me down. I would be dead had Malaki not shown up, not returned from the 'dead'. He didn't kill her, why I have no idea. Such a tenderness I have never known, nor ever expected from someone as terrifying as he. I learned a lot those nights while I licked my wounds, while he mended them. I also learned that wolfsbane hurts like a bitch, a poison I never knew of. I felt safe with him, funny, how only a few months ago I wanted him dead. Now? Now I wish not to leave his side. Is it the blood bond we share? No, what if it is something else? Passion. Strange...

But life in town seems about the same. Many new faces, new smells. Thorn Con is a weird one as always. Lost his soul or some such shit. I feel there are many lost souls in Vulk, he needn't be such a mope. Pirate seems to be doing just fine with some woman, Ellix? She seems honest enough. And of course, Eranor. The in his own words...Squirrel. He seemed so strong, moving along as if nothing happened. Bastard was cooking jerky for the treethane when I was gone, I could have died and he wouldn't have known! Then what? The pack would have died with me! Though, I suppose it wouldn't have, Old One was alive. Still...I question his loyalties now. That was really good jerky though...must remember to get more. He also didn't seem to enthusiastic about Malaki being alive, but I don't think he would challenge him.

Ugh. I must find Tigress Lucrezia. I need to tell someone about this. Or...maybe I don't? No, no I should. Probably.

Children.

Tiny, loud, creatures.

Looks like I will be a mother of one. I am with child, his child. Old One. I should be scared, but I'm not. No, I'm happy. Happy. Why the fuck is this a good thing? Won't a child make me weak? I don't feel weak. He promised to stay by my side. I feel safe with him, even going to move in with him. He has been acting sweet, kinder. I'm not used to seeing that in him. It's nice, to see him smile. Simply can not wait to be done sleeping in the jungle with the bugs. Ugh. Those bugs. Ash Yam loves to eat them though. Can goats eat bugs? Eh.

Oh i have a goat now. Ash Yam. He likes to look at things, maybe he isn't right in the head?

Alena gave birth to her spawn. It looks tiny, fragile. What if I break mine? It makes horrible sounds, worse then goats. Afer is a Hall Steward. I'm not sure what that means, but he seems happy about it. Good. I'm sure he earned the right to watch halls. Or whatever.

Old One insists I trust the bonde bitch Naomi. She tried to kill me! I feel conflicted, she will be staying in our home. He is wise though, he must know something I do not. I will trust her. Maybe even show her my glade. Or maybe not.

Bumped into a stranger. Literally. Robed fucker. Tried to talk to me but I was not in the mood. He did say I was fortunate. Maybe he is right, I feel fortunate lately.

Theme:

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Strange whispers.

I sit here, in my glade writing. Listening to the jungle. It's funny, I feel so at peace here.

I have learned it's not wise to call the Treethane fat. It seems she is too, with child. I have not seen Eranor.
It is also not wise to call the Alena woman a mutt. She slapped me. How rude, for all the help I offered her! I'm keeping an eye on Grey, I do not trust that man.

Pirate was arrested and nearly tried for treason. I had no idea...his woman, Ellix, she is to wed a noble mer. I hope the rich mer chokes on a bone.

Fedris's father, my father, he's alive. Why should I care? I never knew the mer, but Old One says family is important. Fedris loves father, won't shut up about him. He must see something in him, but if he's such a great guy whey the fuck is he not here? Even Afer thinks I should at least speak with him, reach out to him. Afer, I think he got whacked in the head by that troll too hard. Seen him drinking, drinking! Afer! Weird imperial.

Imperials. My life is full of them now, not that it's bad. Not at all, I care about them. Most of-some of... Two of them at least. Not his sister though, she is such a bitch. Naomi asked me to hide and protect her mother's locket from one of her brothers. She trusts me with such a precious thing. Trusts me! I don't know how to feel, I mean, this is the woman who shoved wolvesbane into my chest after stabbing me. But, Old One told me to trust her, and she is trusting me. Even if it's only because the child, I think she cares. At least this baby will grow up with many around to protect them.

I'll keep the locket safe, I tucked it with the book in my glade. Maybe I'll tell Old One about this locket in the morning, maybe he won't try to take it for himself as she claims. The girl deserves something from their mother, yeah?

Confusion.

Betray.

My glade deep in the jungle, my most secret place, someone has found it and worse still stolen my things! My things! Old One's things are safe, so is the locket Naomi had me watch. But, my safe place, it's no longer safe. Could someone have followed me? No one knows of it but Eranor and the little red mouse, Styletta. I do not understand. I don't feel safe anymore.

Tigress is acting really odd. She has been drinking a lot. I know she has been alone lately, her kids and with Malyne gone, I swear she is loosing it. Ranting about him. He isn't back, how can he? I killed him, no, ate, him. But, she showed me some of his old hair! Disgusting! Clearly a prank from one of the maids or something. She insists though! Now she is...got ill with something. Bad habits. Old One has...invited here to stay with us, we will take care of her till she is better. I hope she gets better soon, I worry for her. I hate seeing her like this.

I am staying away from the town, from Alena. My nerves, what if she stole my things? No, I have not even told Malaki of the things that she-witch said. I just want nothing to do with the woman.

I finally have the patience to put to paper what has happened. Old One invited Fedris, Styletta, and his family to a dinner. Naomi and his brothers. I should have expected the worst. Fedris and Styletta seemed to have a well enough time, Fedris at least is impressed. He had no idea, they left before everything fell apart.

Naomi did something, the treacherous bitch. She smelled of him, of Rildoris. Smelled. Of a dead mer. Is it some kind of trick? Was she the one tormenting Lucrezia as some kind of sick joke? Did she bring him back somehow, was he ever really dead in the first place? My head hurts.

Old One told me some secrets. Or rather, his brother did. I should have handled it better. I may have broken half the dinner plates. And thrown my shoe at him. I'm still mad. I didn't leave the house for days. He did give me a ruby necklace though. At least that survived the night.

---

The trip to Willowgrove was peaceful. I liked the flowers. Lucrezia and I found safely with each other. To afraid to tell Fedris, or the guard, of Rildoris. Alena, she is having a tough time too. I asked her to keep an eye out for me, as unstable as she is, I can trust her enough to not turn on me. What she did is none of my business, I don't care.

Afer gave me jerky, a lot of it. I got some fish for him, and some things for Lu. Fedris did not like the beetle I caught for him, after all the trouble I went through catching the damn thing! He goes and steps on it! How rude.

Old One gave me the most beautiful green shoes I have seen in a long time. He must have felt bad for throwing my other shoe out the window. His brother gifted me with the most perfect green dress, the same one as the Tree-woman, Elsy wore. I can not wait to wear it! It is just like something my mother would wear. It seems to be popular with the other woman in town.

I feel safe in town, I trust them. The wilds, he could be out there.

Haven't been staying in the house much. Not since Naomi died.
Her grave makes me feel ill.

A cradle she commissioned was delivered to us, they had to send someone out since she never picked it up.

Lu finally told Afer some things, but she is running away again. Now from even me! She doesn't know that I know, but I will not tell her.
Seeing her and Afer like that, it confuses me. Tigress insists I tell Old One. How the fuck am I gonna do that? It is not as easy as telling him about being pregnant, or that Ash Yams ate that book, or that I nearly set the house on fire.
This is scary.

I can't wear pants anymore, too much work. I feel like a sitting, pregnant, bloated guar. I can't even put pants on for fucks sake! {An explosion of scribbles obscures whatever was written.}
Stupid pants.

We sit and we wait. And we wait. And wait.

Ugh.

I can feel it kicking inside me, restless. Gabriel said Malaki was a restless child, I don't know how I feel about two of those in my life. Every time I feel those movements though, it makes me happy. My little qwama, wiggling inside it's egg.

A young bosmer went missing. Eni-something. She is dead. I'm sure of it.
This means he is healed and once more stalks our jungle. I hope a plant eats him.

That one eye'd fat khajiit is nice. She understands me, I think. I wonder how gross her eye is?

Mages in the village seem as busy as ever.

Afer told me imperials do not live past eighty. I don't like that, maybe it's not true.

Maybe I should be a mercenary? Or a dancer...

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I'm never leaving this bedroom.
Malaki hasn't let me out of his sight, I won't leave his arms. I think I gave Henrick a heart attack, he seems fine now. Whatever potion he was working on didn't survive though.

Gods, someone has to tell Tigress. Someone has to tell Afer.
No, I am not leaving this room.
No.

Maybe for like an hour.

Instead of seeing a life end, I've brought one into the world.

My daughter, Emelia, she is my world now. So precious and tiny, such a wonderful thing this is. There is nothing I won't do for her, not a thing.

---

Emelia is curious, I wonder if she can smell things the way we do? What must it be like I wonder. Seems to enjoy pulling hair, or maybe it's the noises people make when she does it. Fedris is not allowed to hold her until he washes that gross braid of his, it made her vomit!

Lucrezia has seemed ill and fatter, I should knock food out of her hands. She will thank me for it later. Unless she is sleep eating? Or hunting? No, not Lu, she is careful. Must be the sweets. I hope Emelia doesn't pick up her piggish ways.

---

I'm moving back to the damn village. It's not safe, it's not safe anywhere.

Malaki's father is insane, insane! He just took Emelia out of her room! Just who does he think he is anyway? All for that damn book! Why?! I want nothing more to do with this, he got his book he can stay away. Why did he involve Lucrezia in this? She has nothing to do with any of us, maybe he got the blood he wanted from that rat-bastard Rildoris somehow? Then why was he crying?
No, must have just been seeing things, Ril does not have tear ducts, or a damn heart. What could he have done that would make a monster of all people feel sadness?

He must still want something. He shot a blue feather at me,just like the ones used to communicate between rivals and foes to call a ceasefire. We have a common foe. Granted, not a cliff racer feather, no it's actually kind of beautiful. The blood on the tip, why would he include that? Why the ever living fuck would he try to warn me of something? Maybe, maybe it has something to do with Lucrezia being there, or Malaki's father, but we already know he is a threat.
Gabriel was terrifying though, can he control that? He has been, right? Certainly can't be Malaki, though he DID try to fight me. He did do that. He loves us, I think. At least that's what Gabriel says...Gabriel.

Now Fedris comes stomping to my door claiming that the Sloanes are dangerous and that HE will be taking Emelia away! Fuck that! Fuck all of them, Even Afer is against me. I should make up, but moving is easier. Maybe it will be safer in the town. Heh, the village safe.
I think only Lu is telling me the truth. Or maybe she is just the most harmless to me? She's my friend, I can trust her at least.

Speaking of not fucking safe villages, the Tree woman and myself went hunting yesterday. Hunting for a person, in Graht Wood. We got the information we wanted alright, but now we have some little weirdo-stalker follow us to town. I think she's harmless, she seems focused on the Tree woman anyway. Least it's not me! I have enough people I want to eat.

I can't stop playing with this feather though.

Afer has a complete bitch for a sister. Yeah we agree on some things about men but, I don't do that anymore. Preying on men's lust and desires? Thats just fucked up, manipulative! How is she even related to Afer?! I'd think she was the spawn of a sload with the manners she has! Certainly has the looks of one!

Worst of all is Afer actually believes her filthy lies! Over me! This bitch over ME. Stupid man, stupid imperial! Good. I don't care, let him deal with that gold digging tart. Lucrezia will believe me, she won't call me evil and blame all her woes on me! No, she's my friend, she will believe me.

I'm two steps away from knocking Fedris's teeth out. He left a box of mother's old letters for me at my door. Okay, that was sweet of him, I admit this. He said I could keep the letters but not the box. Fine, okay. I certainly don't need it, nor do I want Emelia getting splinters from it. I swear it was made of the cheapest wood I've seen. He left for Willowgrove for some stupid mage-reason and so I handed it to Tigress. Problem solved. Somewhere between then and now my brother apparently lost his mind. He swears that is not the box he left me and accuses me of loosing or breaking it and trying to trick him! Why?!

I don't give two shits about some box! I tried telling him it was the one he left but he is just not having it. Told me it was made of Ashwood from the west gash and this was not ashwood. Ok, I don't fucking know the difference! Wood is wood! {There are a multitude of scribbles present after the sentence ends.}

What if it was Lucrezia? No, why would she do that?

At least Emelia seems unaffected by the insanity around us. She's growing strong and seems happy, I think anyway. I'm not sure how much crying is normal crying, babies cry a lot right? I hope I'm doing the right thing. Something keeps telling me I'm not, I can't shake this feeling I could make this right. I can't return home, Emelia would not be safe there, I know that much. But we can't stay here forever either.

Emelia, I hope to whatever daedra or ancestors watching you don't ever look upon me and see evil.

My cousin found her way here, my cousin! Apparently someone back home was spreading rumors that I've been spreading my legs! Seriously?! I thought everyone figured I was dead! No, no I had hoped that. Rilvvani was always good with insight though, one of the few family members I can stand. Seeing her again, it feels weird. Almost as if it was another lifetime ago...
The scents she carried on her, the scents of Morrowind, I can't get them out of my nose now. Am I homesick? No, no that can't be it. Maybe it's just the old memories of us as children.

Speaking of fucking family, my father finally came to see us. I wish he hadn't. I liked him better when I thought he was dead.

I hate, hate, hate, HATE that bitch though! Afer's sister, a spider of a woman! A big, fat, large breasted hairy spider! She mentioned Fedris, she better keep her filthy fingers off my brother, that idiot has enough problems. Of course Afer is still being a thick headed fool about it. He won't even talk to me anymore! Well fine, I don't need him!

Emelia is acting weird lately, she doesn't want me to hold her. Is that normal? Maybe it's a baby thing, but only a few days ago she was fine with it. Only my child would be so fickle. Maybe it's all this isolation, she seemed so happy with Styletta. Even Lucrezia has no problems with her. Am I doing something wrong?! Sometimes I wonder...are these intrusive thoughts right? Maybe I'm just going mad from being stuck inside so long.

I need to hunt and I need to hunt badly. I can't leave her alone, nor can I risk going out on my own. Maybe that's what scared Ash Yams away, I wasn't gonna eat him, I think! He was always such a loyal pet, gods I hope nothing has eaten him.

Being away from Malaki hurts, I fucking hate it. Thoughts of him are the only thing that keeps me from going nuts I think, and yet I can't even trust him with the safety of our child. I can't trust her own father, but I want to, I want to so badly. Now I just feel sick and confused.

I did treat myself to some new things though. One new thing anyway. A khajiit merchant sold me a beautiful wooden amulet with an emerald inside! I had to have it. I hope Malaki doesn't mind. Maybe I should just hide it from him for now, that should be easy enough.

This past month has been as a dream.

I am unsure what was or was not, what were my thoughts or what were his. Thinking of it only hurts more. I am a fool, only I am to ashamed to admit it.

Lucrezia said she shall not speak of this to Afer, I can only hope he never knows. She still is angry, I do not know what to do. Does she not know how anything of that mer must not live? He is a blight! A corruption! Nothing of him can be good, nothing! I am glad that thing is dead. She should be thankful it is gone.

Henrick is gone. I already miss his potions. I do not think even he could cure this sick feeling in my stomach though. I can not believe this happened. My poor Malaki, my gods what have I done! I can't even care for him. I hope he knows I meant those words, I know I meant them. I wish to punch myself in the face, but no good would even come of it. Self loathing will rot me, I need to do something.

It felt so real though. What he did was real, but what wasn't? What do you do when you can not trust your own memories? I felt that way at the time, does that make it me?

No, I must fix this. I swear it.

But I do not know who I can turn to now.