Reliza's Yapping (NSFW)

All of Relizas writings are in Dunmeris. His journal is located on the bottom shelf of the clinic's first bookshelf on the left, and are able to be found icly and read by other characters.


I don't like to write. I feel odd writing about how I feel, and I don't like it, but Ali's always telling me it will make me feel better and it's a good outlet for my emotions.

I miss Asran. I knew I was an idiot for telling him everything that I did, and trusting him to stay with me. He's been gone forever. Everybody wonders why I don't bother with relationships, and tease me about them, well this is why. I put my trust in somebody for once, and they bolt. I cried. I never cry over stuff like this. I feel weak and stupid, I wish I could be like I was a couple months ago, when I didn't care. I wish it didn't bother me. I regret asking him to take his helmet off. I miss him. He loved me, he was so sensitive and gentle and patient. I think he loved me. I'm not sure. Normally, people who love one another don't leave one another.

Tsalazami asked me out. It was kind of funny. I went with her to Silvenar, and we sat on the floor of this weird little building and talked. I feel like she likes me, she treats me different than anybody else. I keep teasing her and she teases me back, but I think that I'm starting to hurt her feelings by the way I tease her. I might should stop before she really gets mad at me. She won't admit her feelings are hurt, but I think they are. She's kind of my friend. I think we're friends.

I went to a little party last night, too, I payed for a Mage's Guild portal to Hew's Bane. It was very pretty there, I've never been to a place like that. There was this nice man there who I talked to and flirted with a little, he said he was half imperial half breton. I liked his eyes. His name was Marc. Zura was there, too, and someone named Hussiri who I know I've seen before. There was a funny little bosmer, too, and he kept making racist jokes against his own kind. I tried to make a racist joke about dark elves, and I think it worked good. Zura and the bosmer and Hussiri laughed. Zura made a good point. He said there was a guild for thieves, and fighters, and mages, and all these people, but not a guild for entertainers and whatnot like him and I. I thought about that a little. It would be fun if I could meet more consorts, I feel like I could relate to them more, like Zura and I relate and like Synn and I did. I miss Synn. She was a good woman, her and I had a lot in common. She didn't deserve to die.

After the party I went back to Vulkwasten, and Korvos crushed a melon with his thighs. He drew Tsal on the melon, so it looked like he was killing her. I ate some of it. It was amazing. A blew one up with magic, and Afer split one open with his big stupid head. I got melon all over Tsal. I think she got jealous and mad that I kept laughing at Korvos and everybody else, she kept giving me this look I didn't like, but she didn't say anything. Normally she yells when she's mad, but she was silent and mad. That's why I think she likes me. She isn't awful mean to me.

After that, I went upstairs to the clinic and talked to Ali. He's always so nice. I like talking to Ali.

I'm going to bed now.

I haven't thought about Papa in a very long time, and now, I realize, that none of this was ever my fault.

I want his stomach to dissolve him from the inside out. I want him to suffer something awful, something gruesome, but I don't want him to die. I want him to stay alive, but barely able to move, so he can lay there and wallow in his grief and guilt and sadness. I wish he knew what he's done to me.

For two years, I cried myself to sleep every night because of him. If I slept at all. There was a constant loop of scratching and cutting myself open on every patch of skin I could find, healing it back up again, and repeating until I was satisfied with how much blood was on the floor. I've never felt such a hatred than that hatred for myself, and now, I understand it was so sorely misplaced. This is his fault. All of this happened because of him. Until I started working for Hlaalu, I slept with at least three mer every day. They were brutal and filthy, and the lot of them didn't seem to realize that I had skin like they did. Some days, it was five or six, just to keep myself fed. I was sixteen! I weighed one-hundred thirty pounds! How much is one mer's body supposed to be able to take!? I tried so hard to get a job in the Mage's Guild or such, because my mother worked for them, but they knew what I was. And those that didn't care what I was, they didn't want me either, because I'm stupid as a fucking rock. I lived in barns and behind houses, I slept in ash storms and guar feces! I wish so, so bad that he could feel the way that I did. I wish he could hate as hard as I hated myself, and as hard as I hate him. I wish that he would wake up every morning, disappointed that he saw the sky instead of the gods' hands.

I could still be at home, if not for him. I could be sleeping in a warm, dry bed every night and still be able to hold my sisters and tell them how much they mean to me. I never took them for granted, but I feel as if I should have done so much more. If only I'd known. I could still be selfless, and I could still be a virgin if not for him. I could be tender and sweet and kind and pure. He wanted so bad for me to be that way, but he was the one who made me the opposite. I hate him so much. I hate him so much, I can feel my bones aching. I want to set this paper on fire. I hate him! He did this to me!

Oh, Vivec, I want Asran so bad right now. I want to tell him everything and cry on him and hold him and squeeze him. He'd never make me feel that way. I love him so much. I want to tell him that, and I want to fall asleep with my legs wrapped around him and my hands in his pretty manila hair. I want to kiss him all over his face and see him smile at me and tell me I'm beautiful. He's just like me, he knows how it feels to hate himself as much as I did. I want to look at how big his hands look on my hips and stand on my tip-toes to kiss him. I love him so much.

I'm going to see if I can find him. I need him.

I have a problem. It's a really bad problem. I need help, but I don't know who to ask. I really need help. I don't know who would take me seriously. I'm losing my mind, I need help, I need help! I keep panicking and shaking. My hands are shaking. I can't find Asran and I need him so much. I'm desperate. I'm going to do something stupid, I'm going to do it and I don't care.

I talked to Elsy a lot yesterday. I was trying to help her out with a gift for Ali, but she wasn't listening much. I think I embarrassed her. But I hope she listened! It was good information! I cried, too. I was talking to her about Asran, and got upset. But I'm alright now.

I went to the tavern afterwards, and some crazy ass comes in and turns into a shark. I clung to Nerion because I was scared. After everyone figured out what was going on, I talked to Nerion a little bit. He's adorable. I told him I wanted to talk to him, and I told him a couple of things I wanted to do to him. I don't think I've ever seen a mer so flabbergasted in my life, he was completely speechless! It was so funny. I think it was a good kind of flabbergasted though, he was all red-faced and stuttery. I told him if he didn't say no I'd take it as a yes, and he certainly didn't say no. I'll make quick work of him tonight.

I talked to Fedris a little bit about what happened to his face, and he mentioned he lied to Sty about it. Hilarious. I sent Sty a letter talking about it, and made it seem so much worse than it was. So I'm looking forward to hearing them scream at one another from across town.

I hope Fedris doesn't find out it was me that told her. That wouldn't be good.

I'm going to go bother Ali.

I sent somebody a letter I probably shouldn't have. I'm so desperate and stupid, I'm so stupid. I'm so stupid. But sometimes you've gotta swallow your pride for something you really need, as hard as that is.

Next I see Asran, I'm going to tell him all of this and explain all of it to him. I hope he knows it's so, so absolutely mindless. And there's nobody I love but him. There are so many things I save for just him, and him alone. He's the only thing I think about. If Vulkwasten suddenly blew up, I reckon I wouldn't care much as long as I had Asran. Ali is very kind, I might miss him. And I have love for Hlor, she's my friend and she's good to me. I'd miss Korvos's cute face and purple pants. But those people and those things are luxuries and not necessities and I don't know if they love me, or even like me. I don't know much. I'd be just fine as long as I had Asran. Because he really loves me.

I can't walk. It's been a reaaaaaaaally long time since I've been rendered walkless.

Nice.

Now it's time to sleep.

Ali resized some of his armor for me. It's so pretty, I think I'll use it for travel now.

I made Elros some stuffed food and some real food. He shared it with Donny.

Donny wants a lot of my cheese now, and I told him if he scared Vivec himself out of Fedris's ass, then I'd get him two whole vats of cheese. I'm excited. I want to see Fedris pee himself.

It's a good night. Goodnight, good night. Ha-ha. I'm an idiot.