Her Secrets - Nivrchel's Diary

61 posts · started by Ganja on May 01, 2017 · 9194 views · in Active Journals & Diaries

DreamsMay 01, 2017

May 01, 2017 at 05:14 AM #1

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They say a woman's heart is an ocean of secrets. Her secrets however are in written in the faded tan journal and kept within her pack. The book is made from deer leather. Even the binding, which is braided leather cord. The same type of cording can be found at the front of the journal, tying the book closed. There's a rose etched into the leather cover. Tinted red, green and gold.. Though the colors, much like the leather of the book, is faded with age.

The pages are paper, but not made of anything native to the Valenwood. Maybe something from the Gold Coast. Some of the pages show faint stains from being dropped in water during her travels. But mostly everything is easily read. Though there are pages were words are scratched out, others smeared. As if written in a rush.

The words inside are her private thoughts.. However, if one is willing to brave digging this book from Nivrchel's pack, and untie the bindings, they're easily read... Assuming of course, the dear reader can read Bosmeri. And assuming that the reader wasn't caught digging in her pack, while trying to liberate the book.

The writings bounce all over the place. But all are from her teen years and into her adult life. Though there is mention of things from her childhod. Some pleasant, others.. not so much. Her words are neat and a little on the small side.

The writing inside is done in an odd pinkish ink. While faint, it carries an oddly floral scent, even though it's not made from anything related to plants. It's a gentle, yet pleasant scent. Almost like that of fresh roses. Almost..

Edited May 01, 2017 at 05:15 AM by 0

DreamsMay 01, 2017

May 01, 2017 at 06:02 AM #2

3rd of Rain's Hand - [ Date is missing, but in it's place is a small sea shell, tacked on with a hardened yellowish goop. She's fifteen in this entry. ]

There's a boy in our group that gave me this book. I think he's older than I am.. Though I'm not sure. He says it'll help me cope with things that have happened. He said that.. after wiping tears off my cheeks. He's very sweet. I think he's also new to my brother's group of friends.

That reminds me.. I've decided to take to Gloo as my brother. He's sweet, and I don't care what anyone else thinks of him. Sure he does bad things, but don't we all? He's been there for me more than anyone else has been. I appreciate all he's done for me. More than words can express.. I even have my own room in the Hollow. It's not very big, but I don't need much room. The only one I'm not fond of, is Gloo's lover.. Kirsrin... There's something off about her. I just can't place what.

Maybe... it's just because she's been acting strange... I don't know.

I woke up earlier, from a nightmare. It was a dream.. of the night my parents left. Just like the night it happened, I was pleading with them to not leave. I was..clinging to my father's legs.. They kept saying they had to go. Their backs were to me. I was crying in the dream.. I didn't want to be left with my dad's friends.. I didn't want them to go.. I wanted them to stay. And I wanted to return to Tanglehaven. The dream was a lot like that night.. Almost....

..Only.... When he turned to me in the dream, his head was replaced with a spider's.. Angry, red eyes stared down at me.. Giant pinchers, dripping with green slime where his mouth should be... The memory of that dream terrifiyies me.. But everyone is asleep.. I woke up in tears.. Such a terrible dream..

I also woke to a hand sized spider on my nightstand.. I screamed and smashed it with a shoe. Stupid spider...

I don't think I'll be going back to sleep tonight.. Maybe.. I'll just sit outside and watch the stars..

I found an old shell from when I was little.. I hung onto it all this time. I found it the last time my parents took me to the beach near Anvil.. I'm afraid I'll break it if I keep it in my pocket for much longer. So I've decided to put it in this book. For safe keeping. I've even carved out a bit of the pages above this to ensure the book doesn't crush it.

Maybe someday, I can see the ocean again. And maybe play in the surf again.

DreamsMay 02, 2017

May 02, 2017 at 04:00 PM #3

[ The entries are all over the place. There's talk of the lad that gave her the book. Finding him cute, but too shy to say anything. There's writings on the things she learned day to day. From fighting hand to hand, to weapon play. There's mention of not trusting Kir, but still mention of not sure why she doesn't. Just a gut feeling.. That sort of thing. There's mention of the souring relations between Gloo and Callio, and deep concern.. Worrying that something bad might happen.

There's mention of Velyn Harbor as well. And talk of playing in the surf with Gloo and some of their other friends from The Shadows. Of how she didn't want to leave, but because of a storm, had no choice. But promises to herself, to go back some day.

These entries span two years worth of time. However, there is one entry where things begin to get... interesting... Well.. depending upon the dear reader of course. It is where all the trouble begins. Where the relations between Gloo and Callio sour.. And Niv's views and thoughts upon the things happening. ]

DreamsMay 02, 2017

May 02, 2017 at 04:14 PM #4

5th of Sun's Dusk - [ The pages are stained with tears, the words written rapidly, smearing in places and in others, just badly smudged. Her finger prints are all over the page where there's smudges. ]

Fighting! So much fighting... I wish they'd stop! Family... We're family! Gloo... Callio... I wish you'd get along... You're the closest thing I have to family.. Please.. not again... I don't want to think that something.. like what happened with my parents.... I wish I could stand between them and make them stop. I wish I could make them see... Make them see what they're doing to one another.. But neither want to listen... Their fights have become violent recently...

I managed to push them apart today.. Callio had drawn a blade and had it to Gloo's throat. But Gloo had also drawn blood on Callio's chest with his own blade. I pleaded with them to stop... To just think for a moment. They started to argue.. It's the ginger khajiit's fault this happening! .... I don't hate khajiits.. No.. not one bit. But that one.. There's a wedge between the brothers, and that one is pushing it only deeper.

Gloo witnessed that one and another khajiit destroying parts of the forest. Callio refuses to see reason. He still talks with that one. I don't like it. Gloo don't like it either. But I also understand... Callio's in love.. I see how he looks at the ginger one.. I don't think Gloo can understand that though. He seems bent on making sure Callio gets the point.. At whatever cost. This has lead to them at each other's throats.. constantly..

Today, it ended with Callio collasping.. He was sickened from the fight, and couldn't breathe. Gloo took him back to their parents. Their parents still don't approve of me. His mother especially.. She made it a point to say so. Even asked if I'd be happier outside.. Away from her. When Gloo came back, he had a split lip. And his clothes reeked of alcohol, though he was not drunk. When I asked if he was alright, he merely nodded and strode off to his and Kir's room.

I'm worried for him.. I wish he'd talk to me... But he won't.. He won't.. He just... looks miserable, angry and depressed... All bound into one little ball... I'm scared of the past repeating.. I don't want to lose what little family I have again.

People have also begun leaving The Shadows. That cute one included. Not even a goodbye. He and several others have left.. I don't know why. But if I had a guess, I'd guess it had something to do with how strange Kir is acting. She's angry and snippy most days... Very rude to anyone that speaks to her. Even to Gloo.

Y'ffre... I pray to you... Please... don't take away my family.. Please...

Edited May 02, 2017 at 04:14 PM by 0

DreamsMay 02, 2017

May 02, 2017 at 04:33 PM #5

10th of Sun's Dusk - [ The page is smudged with ink and the writing is done in a rapid motion. More difficult to read than the previous entry. ]

Missing... Callio's missing. Gloo is angry but seems indifferent. But I see under it.. He's worried.. Even if he don't say it. They're still siblings.. I know he cares. I'm scared, diary.. I'm scared that something bad will happen to Callio... Gloo don't seem to care though. When I mention it to him, he gets an attitude and won't even look me in the face.. So bitter.. He's so bitter... It's.... unnerving...

When he came back from his parents with this news, his nose was bleeding and he had a wet cloth over his right eye. When I asked what happened, he completely ignored me.. And just pushed past. All he kept muttering was 'that fucking bitch'.. Over and over.. and over.. He seemed so distracted.. It's not like him to ignore me.

That was earlier today.. A little bit ago, he joined up with a search party.. He can deny what he feels all day, but he went with the search team to attempt to find Callio... I say attempt because of how he just vanished the way he did. Gloo says that there was no note. No signs of struggle. Callio's bed was made nice and neat and a little bit of clothes are missing.

I won't say it.. I'm afraid I'll anger Gloo if I do... But I think Callio may have run off with the ginger. Those two are always together.. It just seems to make sense. I have mentioned it to Kir though. She disagrees. Says I'm wasting my time trying to comfort Gloo. Says Gloo is too stubborn at times for his own good. How can she claim to love my brother, but then say such things about him?

Even with it raining heavily, I've decided to wait topside for him. I'll be fine under the canopy of the trees. I want to keep watch for Gloo's return.. But I also want to see if maybe I can spot Callio... Maybe if I'm lucky...

DreamsMay 02, 2017

May 02, 2017 at 04:47 PM #6

11th of Sun's Dusk - [ The writings are sprawling, done in anger.. ]

Gloo returned last night from the search, drenched. He was angry with me for being in the rain nearly all night. And demanded I go back into the Hollow. I only went because I don't want to be the reason he's upset. I was only trying to help.

This morning, he had to go back to his parents. I decided to follow him. I was curious.. Now all I want is to slap his mother. I feel terrible for even admitting such a thing. But... How can I not be angry?! His father is away on a hunt. And his mother flatly attacked Gloo. I can still hear her drunken, angry voice screeching as she slapped him repeatedly. At one point even smashing an empty rum bottle over Gloo's head.

She was screaming that it was Gloo's fault that Callio was missing. Screaming that he could be a better person. That he was nothing more than a scumbag and a lowlife. So many cruel things were spouted off at him.... The worst was when she brought up the empty bottle and smashed it over his head. Gloo looked so stunned.. And you could see that he was also hurt by it...

I had to leave immediately after that.. I... If I stayed.. I would have attacked her.. I don't want Gloo to hate me.. I don't want my brother to hate me... So I left.. I spent my day sparring with a friend in the tunnels of the Hollow. I feel horrible... I .... I struck him hard enough I knocked him out... I cried as he was taken to the medical side of the Hollow. And I stayed by his side till he at least woke up. He laughed it off.. Said I have a strong left hook and asked that I never do that again. I laughed along with him, promised I wouldn't... But I still feel bad about it..

..But I also still feel so much rage.. I think it's best I never follow my brother again... I think it's best I stay far far away from his mother's home. I want to embrace him, and tell him that no matter what, he's still my big brother. But... I'm afraid of what he might do. He don't know I was there.. He don't know what I seen..

My parents... they adored me.. Even though they were taken from me when I was young... I know they loved me. Seeing what she's doing to him.. I don't understand. I don't understand how a mother can do that to her own offspring.. Nor do I understand how Gloo's father puts up with it... I also don't understand why Gloo continues to go back... I want to.. But I'm afraid of what I might learn...

I knew things were bad between him and his family.. But I never imagined it was that bad... He always seems so tough and never seems to flinch away from anyone.. I wonder if this is just one of the silent storms he's riding out..

DreamsMay 02, 2017

May 02, 2017 at 05:36 PM #7

15th of Sun's Dusk

Gloo woke me up earlier.. So late... I just wanted to go back to sleep.. But he insisted I get up. When I did, he dropped a large heap of clothes on my bed and told me to get dressed. That we were leaving. That he'd need my help. That he had been presented with a job.. A job that would take us to another side of the Valenwood. As far as I've ever been is to Velyn Harbor and of course Kvatch and Anvil...

We were going to Greenshade, he said. But would not give any specifics while in the Hollow. As we were leaving, him and Kir had a mild spat. It was nothing major.. Just the two of them yelling at one another before Gloo simply walked out the door. I followed close behind him. I was afraid that he might leave me behind if I dragged my feet.

We were out of Silvenar before he seemed to honestly relax.. At least.. A little. I think being out of Silvenar will do him some good.. Maybe do us both some good. We were loading into a carriage when he settled beside me and finally told me what was going on. We were to be guards for a caravan. One that would begin in Velyn Harbor and end in Greenshade, in Marbruk. He leaned in after that, whispering 'Skooma run', before sitting back.

I almost couldn't believe it! .. Skoom! We were running drugs... I wasn't sure how to feel about it at first. He pushed on though, told me of the terms of the job.. And told me of the strange altmer that had approached and requested him to do the job. But also gave me the warning he had been given... To avoid the guards if possible, and to keep our cargo out of their grasp. I was already on the carriage.. So.. Here I am.. In Velyn Harbor. The ship hasn't arrived yet.. Gloo is leaned against the crates, watching everyone.

I've decided that I'll sit up here on this lantern post. It's high enough that I can see the distant waves from here.. But close enough that I can jump down to help if I need to. I can also see everything around us. I wish I could draw.. But I'm no artist... The waves are so pretty.. I could stare out at them all day. But Gloo wants me alert.. So I'll be alert and keep watch from up here.

I've been warned to keep what we're doing, a secret. Including from Kir and the rest of The Shadows. Something is going on, but I won't question Gloo.. Rather.. I think it's a good idea to keep this... adventure a secret. I'm just uncertain of what to say to Kir when she begins demanding where we've been, when we get back.. I know it'll come to that. I know she'll ask questions.

DreamsMay 02, 2017

May 02, 2017 at 06:40 PM #8

21st of Sun's Dusk

The trip via ship went.. almost smooth. We got boarded.. by pirates. It hurts to move my right arm.. But at least we're all alive. The moment we docked, there was a carriage waiting for us with a cart. I helped load the cart, even though Gloo demanded I just get in the carriage. He's worried.. I was stabbed.. But I'll be alright. It's just a flesh wound..

We traveled for awhile, before the carriage driver decided to make camp. I've got the western side guarded. Gloo has the eastern side of camp. There's a few other guards guarding the other areas. I don't like the other guards. They... there's something not right about them.. I swear I seen the taller one take on an eye-shine.. like.. a wild dog. But it was gone just as quickly as I had seen it.. Maybe it's just lack of sleep playing with me. But I'm still keeping my distance from them.

There's also two big guards by the cart and the driver. The two bigger guys are twins. You can tell just by looking at them. They aren't like the others that are with us. But they don't talk much. Two orcs. When they do talk to one another, I don't understand anything they say. But they are nice.

There's only one way to tell them apart. And that's one has a scar over his right eye. The other has no scars on his face. The scarred one, he played in the waves with me earlier before leaving the docks of Woodhearth. Though Gloo kept a good watch over us. He's protective, and I'm thankful for that. We really don't know these people.. But they seem decent.

It's my turn to rest.. So I'm going to get a little shut-eye before I'm woken for another round. The camp is peaceful enough tonight though.

DreamsMay 02, 2017

May 02, 2017 at 07:11 PM #9

28th of Sun's Dusk - [ Tears speckle the page, and it's smeared in places.. Words are written in a rushed fashion.]

Many miles later.. and camping and resting stops over... We made it to almost Bramblebreach when were set upon by bandits. Only... I don't think they were regular bandits.. Their armor and manner of attack suggest something deeper. They attacked.. We fought hard to protect the cargo and the driver. Things...were.. almost smooth.. Until.. the driver was murdered. The two that made me uneasy before, they're vampires! Y'ffre!....

They went into a blood lust after the driver was murdered and attacked. The orc brothers killed them. And in the commotion, the bandits attacked the cargo. They almost got away with it, but Gloo attacked and mauled them. He killed them.. Just when we began to celebrate, Gloo collasped.. All I heard was my name before he went down. The un-scarred one, he caught Gloo. Only for us all to discover that Gloo was bleeding. He was stabbed along his side.

We made it to Marbruk after that. I don't care about the cargo. I don't care if the buyer gets his drugs.. I just want my brother. He's important to me. A stranger getting high, couldn't care less.

The goods were sold and we got paid.. But Gloo is now in the clinic. The brothers took care of getting the goods off our hands. They haven't left my side.. I'm terrified.. I don't want to lose my brother.. It's just like it was long ago... That feeling of despair taking over... I don't want to be alone again...

[ There's a smear where she tried to wipe several tears away from the page, only to smear the ink in different directions.]

Gloo was badly poisoned.. Stabbed along the ribcage. Doctors say the blade went between his ribs. And that he's lucky to even be alive. They also say he isn't out of the woods just yet though. They are worried... Worried he won't pull through.... I'm scared...

Poison.. it's the thing that killed my parents.. When they were attacked by that monster of a spider so long ago. I heard the tales from the hunters of the monster that they killed, in order to get to my parents. I don't want to loose him too... Y'ffre.... Please... I'm begging you... Show some mercy..

Gloo was the only one that cared in that village. He was the only one that took time to try and get to know me. The only one that made time to even approach my tree I had been living in. The closest thing to family.... I don't want to think that he could....

[ It trails off after that.. The book likely having been taken from her and put aside, while the orc brothers attempted to comfort the seventeen year old. ]

DreamsMay 02, 2017

May 02, 2017 at 07:32 PM #10

2nd of Evening Star

He's alright.. He was awake for a little bit earlier. He's sick.. Very sick... He can't even hold his head up.. But they say he'll pull through.. That the poison has to work it's way out of his system on it's own. But they're keeping him.. To make sure he's alright. I understand.. I do.. I'm not a dense child.. I'm just thankful to see that he's at least going to make it.

Gloo is asleep now.. He's resting, and so I'm being quiet. The brothers have left. I think they're in the Outlaw Refuge. The one with the scar, said something about needing to run some errands. And his brother followed him out. They offered for me to go with them. But I refused. Not to be impolite.. But... I know where I belong. And I'm not leaving his side. My brother would never leave me laying in a clinic, while so ill.. I'll not do that to him.

No one even knows we're out this way.. None of The Shadows were informed of our.. journey. Gloo was very secretive about it.. With that in mind, I am glad that the brothers were with us. Had it just been the two of us out here when that happened... I... I can't finish that...

The important thing is that he's going to be alright. This adventure.. The only one that will ever know about it, aside from the others that had been with us.. Is you, diary. You're the only one that will ever know. I don't plan on telling anyone. I've decided that not even Kir is worthy of knowing. I seen how angry Kir and Gloo seemed with one another. But Kir has been rude.. and I don't think she's deserving of knowing the truth of where we've been. Let her draw whatever conclusion she wants..

There's a mage that visits every few hours. A tall altmer. He's a healer. He's here now.. I've been watching him work on my brother for the last few minutes. He knows what he's doing, and I trust him to do what's best. He has been the one that's been helping to speed along my brother's recovery. I won't force Gloo into traveling though. Not until he's ready. I'm willing to stay here in Marbruk if that's what it takes.

DreamsMay 04, 2017

May 04, 2017 at 04:37 AM #11

6th of Evening Star

We sat outside today. The brothers have left. They said that it was an honor to fight along side us. And wished us well. Gloo is still sick, but he's doing better. He is also still weak and can't move that well. But he gave hugs to the brothers. We seen them off, watched as they stepped through the wayshrine. The unscarred one, he gave me directions to be able to reach him via courier if we ever need their help. I'll miss having them around. I got kind of used to them.

The healer, I wish I could remember that man's name.. He said Gloo will need rest. And was annoyed to find out that Gloo had been out of bed. It was Gloo's idea though.. He wanted to go outside for air. I couldn't deny him that. I didn't think I was hurting anything by taking him outside. The healer demanded I help him back to bed since I was the one to take him out. Such a cranky altmer...

I have a feeling we'll be here for awhile. I've started to sight see around the town, while Gloo sleeps during the day. It won't hurt anything. And it gives me a chance to see new things. This place is much bigger than Silvenar and Tanglehaven. My favorite place is around the tavern. There's a pastry chef there. The smells of the sweets smell so good. I can't afford to spend what we have on the things that smell so good.. But I can at least flirt with the owner's daughter. She's cute, and around my age I think. Nothing will likely come of it though, she's straight.

I gave her a seashell earlier. She looked as if she didn't know what to make of it. I told her, if anything, it could be a token of friendship. She didn't seem to want it, but kept it all the same. Maybe she just doesn't like the ocean as much as I do. Or maybe I weird her out too much..

Gloo opened up to me a little bit before he went back to sleep. Why he was so happy to leave Silvenar.. I knew him and Kir were fighting.. But.. she's been pressuring him about starting a family.. And he's not ready. He says there is much that he wants to do before he is ready to raise a family. But I think there's more to it.. I know what he goes through with his family.. Or.. at least some of it. I've seen how his mother is towards him... I think he's afraid. I can't blame him.. Though Kir is apparently completely unwilling to understand.

He also said the same thing I had thought earlier on.. He too thinks that Kir is acting strangely. He's uncertain of why.. I wish I had the answer too.. But I don't. He says that when we get back, he's going to be paying more attention to her.. Trying to figure it out. I think I'll try to help. I want to get to the bottom of it too.

DreamsMay 04, 2017

May 04, 2017 at 04:48 AM #12

[ The next several entries are things revolving around the clinic, and the stay in the clinic. Also things on Gloo's steady, but slow improvement. There's more talk of Kir, and the woman's treatment on Gloo.. and Niv's thoughts and opinions on it. Her clear disliking of the woman. Mention of worry as well.. Worry for how his mother treats him.

And also mention of her wondering why they just don't uproot the entire Clan and go find a new safe place to call their own.. Somewhere out of Silvenar.. But also acknowledging that it'd likely never happen.

There's also mention of the various random things she's seen while either looking out the window or when sitting outside the clinic for fresh air. Just little things like that. The next entries however that hold more to them, take place in late Evening Star / early Morning Star. Circling around their return journey.. Though the main focus is on their initial return to the city...]

DreamsMay 24, 2017

May 24, 2017 at 10:11 PM #13

5th of Morning Star

Y'ffre! Werewolves! Here?! Gloo said that his brother has become... Oh! .... And.. the khajiits too? ..... That's dangerous.. Really dangerous... I have decided to stand at his side. I will help him and the others fight these beasts. I feel bad though.. He says that in the morning, Callio will face judgement for his crime... I was not born in Valenwood, but I know what that means... It means he'll likely be put to death..

Glooras is putting on a strong front. But I know this must be very hard for him. This is his family we're talking about... I'm nothing really.. Just adopted into the family. But Callio is his blood... I don't approve of such barbaric things... But.. werewolves are monsters.. I pray for forgiveness for what must be done..

Gloo has warned me that this will be a fight to the death. Warned me that things could also go horribly wrong. But I trust my brother. I will be at his back, that I promise. He says he wants to take on the ginger by himself. Fine.. But I'm staying close by. I'll keep watch in case anything tries anything. I'll be watching from the shadows of the forest. With my bow at my side.

He gave me daggers before he left. Said I may need them. I've.. never been very good with daggers. But, I'll do what I can. This I promise. I should finish getting ready.. I don't want to keep him waiting.

6th of Morning Star

The fight ended just before daylight. Gloo is badly injured. He was stabbed..among other things. He's lucky he wasn't bitten. But he was still clawed. That ginger turned wolf and attacked near the end of the fight. I've never seen my brother fight so viciously before.. He gave everything. In the end, the ginger was forced back to his natural khajiit form and lashed out with a blade. I think there was something on that blade. The moment it connected and the khajiit fled, Gloo threw up and passed out.

I had my own fight though.. One of the khajiits tried to sneak up on me. He stabbed my hip before I was able to slit his throat. I'll live. It took everything I had to drag him back to the others. Kir and some of the assassins carried him back to town. He's in the clinic now. Doctors have fussed over me a little.. But I don't want fussed over. I want my brother. I want to know he's alright.

Doctors have confirmed that there was something on that blade.. But won't say what. If I had to guess, I'd say poison though.. But... good luck figuring out which poison was used. No one will tell us anything. Kir left.. She was angry.. Said she needed to clear her head... I think we're all just a little shaken. Two of our people died tonight in the fight. Kir lead a small group against the rest of that ginger's family. They put up a big fight from what Kir said.. Two were killed, several were hurt. But they're gone. Kir said she drove them off.. I don't believe her. I think she killed the remainder of that family.

I've decided I'm not leaving Gloo's side. I know he'd do the same for me. This seems also strangely familiar.. I swear we just left the clinic and just got Gloo out of a clinic.. I hope he's alright... Those injuries were bad.

Edited May 24, 2017 at 10:26 PM by 0

DreamsMay 24, 2017

May 24, 2017 at 11:16 PM #14

10th of Morning Star - [ This is written in anger. The lettering is pressed hard into the paper, written quickly. Smearing in places and at some points, difficult to discern lettering from scribbled out things. ]

Gloo was awake briefly this morning.. He's not doing so good. He was badly poisoned in that mess. But he was able to keep water down.. So that's good... Then his parents walked in.. I... I haven't been this angry since that night I followed him to his house...

That bitch! Mother to him or not! ...She had no right! She stormed in, spat on Gloo's chest. Told him she hoped he dropped dead. I wanted to slap the smug look off her face, but a doctor stopped me. The man grabbed my wrist and gently put my hand down. Told me she wasn't worth it. Things are bad right now. Real bad. His father signed that Callio is gone.

Guards are involved... They're investigating the death of a khajiit in Gloo's home. The guy was missing when the guards swarmed the place.. But there was blood everywhere. I spoke to Kir after I knew for certain that Gloo's mother wasn't going to return. We're going to protect Gloo. Everyone that was involved in that night.. We're all backing up Gloo. It was my idea to back him up, Kir said it was a good idea. So that's what we're doing.

I returned to the clinic in time for guards to leave. Gloo is out cold. Callio is missing.. I am not a mean person. I'm not malicious.. I don't wish bad things on people. But he caused all of this.. Some part of me hopes he died out there. He'd deserve it. He knew they were werewolves, then willingly took on the curse.. Is he stupid or just insane?

I've decided that no matter what happens, even if I have to lie through my teeth, I will defend him. I don't care what the others do. He's my brother. He's the only one that even attempted to get close to me. I won't let him fall to the hands of nosy guards. I... never realized just how much he's rubbed off on me.. But I really do fit into this life style. As a thief among other things.. I will do what I have to do..

Asked a few of those from that night to keep a watch for Gloo's parents. They said they'd keep watch. I trust them to do this. Kir is missing. I'm not sure where she went. She left almost immediately after our talk. I think she's looking into things.. But I'm not sure. I still don't trust her..

Edited May 24, 2017 at 11:17 PM by 0

DreamsMay 24, 2017

May 24, 2017 at 11:46 PM #15

14th of Morning Star - [ Tears speckle the page, and it's hard to read in spots, where she was sobbing and trying to write at the same time. Causing some of it to become scribbles. ]

He's only been awake two days, and he decided he was leaving. He's not supposed to be out of the clinic.. But he left today. He can barely stand on his own. But he refuses to stay in Silvenar. He says that it's not his home.. That he's unwelcome here. I tried to make him see reason. He said that it'd be alright. That he'd keep in contact. I... I don't want him to go. I don't want him to.. He said that I still had reason to remain. But that he couldn't. He feels that the village.. everyone in it.. including some in The Shadows, have turned against him. He says it's for the best.

I went with him to Velyn Harbor, via portal. He opened it with a scroll, taking only what he needed. Kir was with us. I cried when he left... I feel so lost now... It's like... losing your best friend, and left in the presence of only strangers.. Left to stare confused as people ask if you're alright.. I know Kir.. But so many have left The Shadows.. All that are left now.. are strangers... It feels very empty here.

He promised to keep in touch.. We will see. For now, I've decided to just... stay in my room. I don't want to leave it. I don't want to go anywhere.. I just want this all to be a bad dream. But it's not a bad dream, is it? ... It's all real. Even if it feels.. out of place.

Haven't felt this alone since the night I was put on the streets.. It's not a good feeling. Don't wish it on anyone.

Edited May 25, 2017 at 12:23 AM by 0

DreamsMay 25, 2017

May 25, 2017 at 12:22 AM #16

19th of Morning Star

Gloo's parents are gone. I wrote to him.. I don't even know if he'll get my letter. I don't know where he even went. But they're gone. They were to be tried for harboring a werewolf.. I seen the guards go to their home.. And come out looking angry. They're gone. I waited until the guards had left and snuck inside. The place is trashed and there's broken glass everywhere.

There's no mention of where they might have gone. But all their clothes are gone. I think they fled the Valenwood. But I can't be certain.. I'm also not going to bother looking into it.. With how she treated Gloo? ...I have nothing to say to his mother. And his father, as far as I'm concerned, is just as guilty. Both are cruel.

I don't know where they are... I... I'm ashamed of myself... I have to admit that I don't care that I don't know. Is it wrong of me to wish them nothing but the worst in life? Is it wrong of me to hope that his mother gets eaten by an angry strangler plant?

Kir has given me new jobs... Assassin....jobs.. I don't look forward to this. But if it gets my mind off of everything, then so be it. I won't enjoy any of this work however. I never did like killing people. I've decided that if I'm to kill, then I'll follow my targets and learn all I can on them before carrying out the job. If they're innocent,I won't do it. I'll tear the damn contract up.

I miss my brother.. It's not the same without him here. It's like... losing your best friend and having only strangers to turn to.. It's... a very empty feeling. I said this once already.... It hasn't changed..

To be honest, I'm becoming more and more drawn to the forest.. And finding myself wanting to return to the Hollow less and less with each passing day.

Edited May 25, 2017 at 12:29 AM by 0

DreamsJun 11, 2017

Jun 11, 2017 at 11:17 PM #17

[ The next several entries are all over the place, really. Lots of different stuff about different jobs. There's plenty in there about jobs she's both carried out and those she's flatly refused. There's mention of her deeply missing her brother, and being very worried for him. Especially as the letters have begun to slow.. They've not stopped coming, but Gloo has begun sending less.

There's mention of her and Kirsrin fighting. More than once, the mention of it also speaks of the fights going from verbal to physical quickly. And having to be pulled apart by other members of The Shadows.

The next entry is penned for when she's nineteen..]

DreamsJun 11, 2017

Jun 11, 2017 at 11:33 PM #18

25th of Morning Star

I've sent word to Gloo to come back... Well.. more so... I begged him to return. Things are not good right now. Things are really bad. Kirsrin took a whip to my side when I refused to a do a contract. It hurts to move my upper body.. But I can't just lay around and do nothing. If I get caught laying down, I fear she'll whip me again. I waited at the docks for almost two days before his ship came in.

It's good to see him again.. He noticed almost right away that something was wrong.. I can't bring myself to tell him it was Kirsrin. I know he likely still loves her. I'd rather see my brother happy than be the reason for him to have a broken heart. And I also know how he gets when someone he cares for gets hurt like this... Vengeful is an understatement. I don't want to see him be put in jail... over me.

We made camp after we met back up. I am so glad that he actually came back. I was scared that he wouldn't. I warned him that Kirsrin does know that I sent him that letter. Bitch was spying... I know she was. How else would she know? Or maybe... someone followed me and I just didn't see them... Whatever the case, she knows. And she's looking for Gloo.. Though I don't know why.

In the morning, we went back to the old Hollow. And we began getting things moved over. He's made camp on the outskirts of town.. In an area that over looks the new place we're taking over.. The new Hollow. I don't know why Kirsrin calls it that.. It's just an old cave with multiple layers.. But I won't argue with her. I don't feel like being hit again.

I need to rest.. The pain medicine is kicking in. Maybe I'll write more later. For now, dear diary, I'll close my eyes and dream of better things.

DreamsJun 11, 2017

Jun 11, 2017 at 11:51 PM #19

26th of Morning Star

Kirsrin approached me this morning. She has a job for me.. One that she had pulled me off to the side, away from everyone to tell me of. It's ... not one I want to be part of. But I don't have a choice. I am to hunt down a noble. He apparently murdered a child. This is purely revenge of the kid's mother...

I don't like it, but I'll at least investigate this man. Kirsrin though seemed on edge when she gave me the details. Kind of like she was in a way, watching her back. I think she did something and now she's in over her head... But what do I know? I'm just a kid compared to her.. That's something she's constantly pointing out to me. She's older and feels she can push me around. I don't like it..

3rd of First Seed - [ Tears speckle the pages.. ]

A trap! That whole thing was totally bullshit! When I made my move, the guy turned and grinned at me before attacking. He.... held me down... Things happened after that... I... I can't repeat what happened.. I feel so dirty.. I slit his throat in the end.. He's dead in a ditch. Stupid bastard... I hope that whatever plane his spirit went, it gets tortured.

I need to head back.. I think after everything is done, I'm going to leave The Shadows. I want to go with Gloo when he leaves again. I don't want to be here anymore. If I can't go with him, maybe... I'll go back to the Gold Coast.. I do miss Kvatch. The memories there are good.. I'd be able to just start over, if anything. Find some form of peace. I think I deserve that much.

Call me cruel if you want... Whoever reads this... I don't give a damn.. I think when I get back, I'm going to punch Kirsrin in the mouth..

DreamsJun 12, 2017

Jun 12, 2017 at 12:14 AM #20

20th of First Seed - [ The pages are speckled with tears, warping the pages in places. ]

Everything is a blur... I remember the fight.. Oh gods... Gloo! .... I seen him get hurt.. Kirsrin.. she betrayed us all. I woke up today, only to find out that I'm a vampire.. I don't want to be a vampire! I came back on the 14th.. I remember Gloo asking me along to help clear out trolls.. I was sick when I returned from that last contract.. I remember that. My chest is so sore...

The dagger! I took a dagger for Glooras! I remember! Oh... Oh no.. That massive fight then.. It wasn't a dream.. Not a dream or a nightmare.. Fuck my life.. I remember bits and pieces of the fight. Gloo was jumped by several people. Then everything goes black. When I questioned Kirsrin, she looked so smug. She said he was dead.

I'm not ashamed to say that I tried to attack her. A tall man stopped me. I recognize him as one of the new members from a few weeks ago. Our clan hunts supernatural beings.. I never would have guessed what he is. But he admitted that he was the one to save my life, by turning me vampire. Said I should be grateful to live. He looked just as smug as Kirsrin did when she told me that Gloo was dead. The man is an altmer.

I tried to kill myself after that.. I tried to drive a blade through my heart. They both stopped me. The one person who gave a shit.. Taken.. I'd rather dead myself than be forced to serve these people..

Edited Jun 12, 2017 at 12:16 AM by 0

DreamsJun 14, 2017

Jun 14, 2017 at 11:02 AM #21

30th of First Seed - [ The words are written in anger. They're sprawling, smeared in places and jittery. But... tears also speckle the pages. ]

I tried to end it again today. My sire slammed me into a wall. He refused to let me have the release I wanted. He knocked me to the ground, took all my weapons. Every day has become the same. Taunted.. He says I was pathetic, and that I couldn't defend a frog. Told me to toughen up. What does he know about being tough? Did his family suddenly die? Did he spend his life on the streets, scrounging and struggling to survive? Did he lose the one person in his life that honestly gave a damn?

Somehow, I doubt all of it.

Kirsrin has taken away all my jobs. She refuses to allow me to work so long as I'm still learning control. Says I'm better off inside. The bitch. I also learned tonight that she is a werewolf. I seen her transform. When I confronted her, she backhanded me hard enough that my head smacked into the wall behind me. She told me that changes were coming to the clan. That I should just swallow it and enjoy it. She rubbed in my face how it was Gloo's fault that she turned..

All this time.. She hid her curse. She said she was turned months before the attack on that khajiiti family. She lied! She was never pregnant! The times she was sick, were the times she was adjusting as the beast blood ran it's course through her!.. Turning her.. I knew there was something off back then.. I knew.. And I just couldn't put my finger on it.. I should have seen it. Especially when she stopped letting anyone run missions to deal with supernatural creatures. She became obsessed with stealing and other things. Said it was just for a change of pace back then... So blind.. We were all so blind...

How many others in this clan are actually monsters? How many has she hid from everyone all this time? This would break Gloo's heart if he were still alive. He worked so hard to build this clan up to be something good. To take the fight to the supernaturals. That night we killed the one khajiit and drove out the others.... She claimed to have chased out the rest of that family... I don't buy it.. I now believe that she and the others with her, killed them all.. It's not how it was supposed to go.

Every day, I see it more and more as my fault Gloo did not survive. I was not a good sibling. I couldn't defend my big brother.. The one person that cared. I took that blade for him. I died in a way... And he still died. What use was it honestly? Why did it have to be in vain..

I tried to leave earlier.. To clear my head. My sire threw me down a flight of stairs and back into the Hollow. Said I needed to learn my place. Stupid, tall, pale skinned... knife eared bastard...

Edited Jun 14, 2017 at 11:09 AM by 0

DreamsJun 14, 2017

Jun 14, 2017 at 11:23 AM #22

[ There's a good space between writing now. Just a spanning of a few months. Mostly where her time has become focused on learning and keeping from angering those that now hold her captive.. in a sense. What little entries there are, are very small.. And penned for details of what she's gone through to learn to control her urges. Or at least put them on a leash.. that sort of thing..

But the next big entry is penned for the 13th of Sun's Height. ]

DreamsJun 14, 2017

Jun 14, 2017 at 11:33 AM #23

13th of Sun's Height - [ The writing is near scibbles.. Done in excitement. The ink is smeared and in places more than a little difficult to read. ]

I went out for a hunt earlier. My sire permitted that much. But he says he has people watching me. He stayed behind with Kirsrin.. I'm not surprised in the least to have learned what I did last night.. Those assholes.. They're lovers. I wonder how long that has been going on.. Were they.. an item... before Gloo's death? I hate them both so much.. I've never had so much hatred in me before until now. I didn't even know it was possible to hate someone the way I do.

Stalked a group of bandits into some ruins. They were easily taken down, and made an easy meal. I feel bad though.. I don't like having to harm people.. Though I suppose they also weren't exactly... innocent. They were thugs if anything.. But.. isn't that what The Shadows have become? Aren't we just the same? Just thugs? .... What a bitter thought.

I returned to the Hollow though and found everyone either injured or dead! There's talk of Gloo! ... Alive?! How though.. I seen him die! I seen him get jumped by all those people. How did... I don't understand. And Kirsrin and that stupid altmer.. both dead! Kirsrin..has a spider carved into her body. That don't seem like something that Gloo would do to someone. I know he's vindictive. But I don't think he'd go that far.

Part of me would like to believe he's alive though. I've decided I'm going to travel. I'm going to search for my brother. I want to at least apologize. If he hates me, I'll understand. But to know that he's possibly alive, it's like a dream come true! All hope is not lost! If he's out there, I swear to Y'ffre that I will find him. It's a promise!

The rest of The Shadows have dispersed. None have lingered. Those that survived whatever found Kirsrin and my idiot of a sire, are gone. I don't know where they went, and I honestly don't care. Good riddance. The Shadows are now gone. I feel a heavy weight just lift.

Edited Jun 14, 2017 at 11:33 AM by 0

DreamsJun 14, 2017

Jun 14, 2017 at 01:17 PM #24

[ five years have passed since the night of her sire and the clan leaders' sudden deaths. And the destruction of The Shadows. The time between has been filled with entries. All of them describing her journies and where life has taken her in one form or another. There's flowers pressed into the pages, held in place with hardened sap. These flowers are not from the Valenwood.. But have been picked up in her travels to the various places she has been to.

Things have been peaceful for her, having completely left the Valenwood. She mentions several times of her search for Glooras, and of eventually just giving up. She is around twenty one when she gives up her search and instead becomes more focused on a cure. There's notes stuck throughout her diary, where she has gone out of her way to try and find a cure and having found nothing. These notes are from friends, trusted contacts and the like.

Her life has taken in many different directions. From bounty hunter, to mercenary / sellsword, to hunting vampires and werewolves alike.. And to eventually.. going full circle.. In the form of her being contacted and recruited into the fold of the Dark Brotherhood. And her willingly accepting it.. And becoming one of them.

She is twenty four when contact is made, and her joining is complete. This is also where things begin to pick back up.. ]

DreamsJun 14, 2017

Jun 14, 2017 at 01:38 PM #25

1st of First Seed

Me.. an assassin, again.... I would have never thought that even possible.. I don't like it.. But if they think I have skill, then I'll try not to disappoint.. Really, all I care about is honing my archery and of course.. I want to find the cure. I haven't given up. I don't think I ever will, to be bitterly honest about it.

Still though, I am also happy to be back in the Gold Coast.. I cried when the ship came into port. Seeing the waves and the sun reflecting off of them.. And the city of Anvil standing so proud against the docks.. For a moment, I... I almost thought I could see my parents standing on the pier, staring down at the waves.. Just like they used to do when I was a little girl. I managed to get the tears under control when an elderly mer approached and asked if I was alright. I said I was fine.. Just lost in my mind. He strangely, stayed at my side. Until we got to the tavern. After that, he parted ways with me.

My illusion work isn't very good. I fear staying in the open like this. Eventually, someone will figure it out. I've decided to camp in the wilderness.. Away from everyone, if I can help it. It's safer that way.. And I'll feel less pressured about keeping my appearance a secret. No one needs to know. No one needs to look upon me and see a monster. I'll stay far away. I don't wish to anger anyone.

I thought.. By returning to the Gold Coast, that I'd feel.. something.. Anything.. Rather than finding a reason to smile, I've found more reason to cry. I feel miserable here. I don't miss the Valenwood.. Not after all that happened.. But I miss Glooras. I know I'll never see him again.. I visited the places my parents used to take me when I was small.. Funny.. None of them really sparked anything. Once upon a time, I would have been very excited to go to these places. Now... I just feel numb being here.. I even visited the home my parents used to live in, in Kvatch... Their scents are gone... A new family lives there now.. So I took my leave.. I returned to the wilds.

How does one go home, when there's no home to go home to?

When I first got here all those months ago.. and took to trying to live my life in secret.. I thought I could make something of myself.. Mercenary work.. I killed a noble man because he was harming an innocent child. I somehow managed to grab unwanted attention, even when I was so certain I had killed him in secret. I don't regret it though.. The man got what was coming to him. But it got me noticed...

I only agreed to the joining, and fully joined because I over heard a pair from the sanctuary talking. They mentioned a cure for vampirism.. That drew my attention. If I'm lucky, maybe they'll lead me to it. I never asked for this curse.. A cure would be nice.. I don't wish myself dead any longer. I just seek freedom.

Edited Jun 14, 2017 at 01:40 PM by 0

DreamsJun 15, 2017

Jun 15, 2017 at 04:41 AM #26

6th of First Seed

They lied.. I followed them.. They didn't have a cure for vampirism or even know of where to get it. Instead they lead me into a small village, where they slaughtered almost everyone.. They were werewolves. I was stupid to think that they could lead me to such a thing... I went back to the sanctuary, and to my little area there. I was surprised when one of the girls there approached me, and drew me into a hug. I.. I barely know anyone here.. She told me that she knew my secret, and that if I wasn't careful, everyone would.

She slipped a necklace into my hands and told me to wear it. I started to question how this would help... Then she pulled her own from under her shirt and took it off. She's... a vampire too. I almost fell off my bed in surprise. She put hers back on and told me that it'd help me. To always wear it. I'll take her advice.

DreamsJun 27, 2017

Jun 27, 2017 at 11:32 AM #27

[ Her journal skips around after this. There's talk of the various jobs that she's been sent on. Mention of following targets, but displeasure of having to take another's life. Even anger aimed towards herself for killing people. At one point, she even belittles herself and calls herself a filthy murderer. Curses at herself.. Tells herself that she belongs in the Ooze when the time comes.

There's mention of tracking hunters that are harming the forests around the Valenwood and killing them during a job. But also deep regret, as they had not been of her targets.

The diary begins to begins to pick back up around current times. Talk of her travels since leaving The Brotherhood. Mention of just wanting to roam.. Just.. wanting peace.. and peace of mind. ]

DreamsJun 27, 2017

Jun 27, 2017 at 11:50 AM #28

27th of Mid Year

I almost forgot this thing even existed.. Interesting that it's still holding together. Reinforced the bindings a bit, just to be safe.. Now what to say.. Well... For starters, I took part in a battle of sorts.. I don't know if it can be called a tournament though.. But it was fun. I met a few people there, and while I don't know them by name, that is fine. There is one however, who allowed me a quick whiff of scent.. I do not know her name, but her scent.. I will recognize when I find her again. I look forward to that.. To having another friend. I find I don't have many of those these days.

Lots of other things have happened since then.

Last month, I discovered a bear cub. Cute little thing.. Sadly, I discovered it's dead mother not far off. Broken arrows were all around it.. Red and black feathers on the ends. Cruel bastard.. Who in the nine hells shoots an animal that clearly has youngins?! Monsters! Y'ffre take them! .... I took the cub with me. It was sick. I have since nursed her back to health. She's a good girl. I plan to release her to the wild when she's old enough. I just hope that between now and then, that she don't get attached to me. Or returning her will be impossible.

I found a little town.. Vulkwasten. I think I've been through here before when I was younger.. But I'm not sure. I remember the forest around it though.. So it's possible. It seemed like a peaceful place when I first found it.. There, I met a few. Another bosmer.. I don't know his name. But he had blood on his hands.. I.. I had to put my nose into my mug while drinking, as to not have to leave.

I was enjoying the company of an imperial man. And I didn't want to leave just yet.. It is why I choose my cup as a better alternative than smelling the air. I think... his name is Vera. For an imperial, he's cute. I've never held an attraction to one before.. Not saying I'd jump him or something.. But.. still cute. He seemed very lost and confused.. I offered to be a tour guide for him if he wanted the help. Only one problem.. My sense of direction is poo. Blind leading the blind?

However the town had their own problems it seemed. Daedra being the worst. Vampires and werewolves were mild compared to those. I was hidden in the trees during one of the assaults. I stayed out of it.. But I seen a daedroth that night. And several fighters on the ground, giving it a good beating.

Decided it was best to leave after that battle. I returned to a cave not far off. Hoarvor Pit. Not safe, but better than being in the open. I made camp in there until the dangers passed.

Things seem safe enough now.. So I returned.. But.. not for long. I spoke to another mage type. Different though. Says he is a tree mender of sorts. He's also cute. But that was kept to myself. Once again, safer this way. I don't know who I can trust in this area. And people seem on edge after all the fighting.. Supernaturals and daedra.. I can understand why they'd be on edge. No.. this is better kept to myself. Friends is fine.. Anything more is risking too much.

I did offer to teach the cutie to shoot a bow though. He seemed interested and I figured.. why not? Promised to teach him on a day where it's not storming... I.. learned from someone I was very close to. I doubt he'd want his teachings to go left un-passed along. Besides, sharing my knowledge could be fun. There's a lack of fun lately.. Need to fix that.

DreamsJul 08, 2017

Jul 08, 2017 at 02:37 AM #29

7th of Sun's Height

I've spent the last week and a half looking for Nerva. I promised that Imperial man I'd help him.. I'd be his tour guide.. I don't know where he went.. Very annoying. I told him I'd meet him at the edge of town the day after we spoke. He never showed up. I hope he's not in any sort of danger.. There is a lot of danger in this neck of the woods...

Spent the last few days, just roaming. I took a job in Velyn Harbor. It didn't pay well, but there's one less person claiming to be a vampire slayer. The guy in question was just a thief pretending to be what he wasn't to lure bigger idiots into paying him for a service that'd never get carried out. That guy is very dead now. It's enough coin though to be able to at least rent a room here.

The bear cub I had, I no longer have her. Mibi has been passed along to a ranger. Someone that can handle her better than I can. I was very sad to have to give her up. But in the end, I know it's better for her. I know she'll be well cared for. Since letting her go, I've been depressed. I miss her.

Think I'll return to Vulkwasten soon. Or at least to the place where I've set up camp. The camp, from what I remember, isn't far from the town.. But far enough out that not many can really find me. Not unless they look for me. It's not hidden either. I won't bother to try to hide the camp site. Now if I could just figure out how to keep the damn spriggans away from it.. That'd be truly something. They're very hostile in this area..

DreamsJul 09, 2017

Jul 09, 2017 at 04:59 AM #30

[ Date's missing, and the pages are stained with fresh blood ]

I can't tell just how late it is.. It's probably still early.. Maybe still the 8th.. Th- [ speckles of blood mar what might have been here. ]. Went with the coven tonight on a hunt. It was fun. It let me get out some of my aggression and stress from this past week. I didn't even realize just how much I had been holding until I struck the first mercenary.. Before going, we all talked together for a bit. Poor Nira! She's blue! ...Who would do such a thing? And to such a nice person?

Anyway.. mercenaries.. Yes, we went for mercenaries tonight. The first hunt with the coven. I took the first one down with the sheath of my dagger. That's a trick I've used many times.. Even before becoming a vampire. Something.. I've used on many jobs in the past. Sometimes it works.. Sometimes it don't. First time tonight, it worked beautifully. Like a little charm. Second time.. Not so much.

I hit the second one with my sheath to my blade, it did nothing.. I think I merely pissed him off. He shot at me, and gouged my side.. Then the fool hit my stomach.. Something in me snapped after that. I put a lot of strength into a punch and got him along his temple. It hurt the both of us. But I think he got the worst of it. My knuckles were mildly sore for a bit, but the pain faded by the time we got back to Theo's.

Honestly, after that little scuffle, I felt a lot better. At least my mood improved some.

When we got back to Theo's place, another arrived. Avella. I was so happy to see her again. The last time I seen her, it was brief. But we seen one another during the battle in Reaper's March. She healed me back then. I think I mentioned that once before. Good lady. Good friend. Is it strange that I can see her as such with barely knowing the woman? She seems a decent sort at least.

Feeding took care of the mild pain in my stomach and took care of the minor gouge. I no more than finished feeding, and another arrived. I put my mask and hood on.. I hope he didn't see my face. I don't know him.. And Theo didn't seem none to happy to see him either.

I spoke a bit with Avella after that. She tells me the town is cursed.. Is that why so many things happen there? Like the daedra for example. The daedra were honestly a nasty bit of business.. Was glad to see that over with. But how can such a lovely little town be cursed? I suppose I'll need to be more careful than I have been being.. I won't stay out of town entirely. But I will definitely be on my guard.

Speaking of guards, they're another thing to avoid I think. It's for safety. My safety and theirs. If the rumors of silver testing are true, I'd be better off keeping my distance.

When I returned to camp, I found spriggans had invaded it. Damn things. I killed them all and moved their twig-bodies out of the area. I wonder what's drawing them to my camp.. That's twice this week..I hunted down some senche and fed from them to repair the wounds the spriggans gave.

Edited Jul 09, 2017 at 05:00 AM by 0

DreamsJul 10, 2017

Jul 10, 2017 at 05:58 PM #31

10th of Sun's Height

Warned away from town.. And yet... here I am again.. No, I don't have a death wish. It's just.. the town is so beautiful. I'll be careful though. Especially after hearing the rumor flying around.. An execution apparently happened last night. I am glad I was on a job.. I missed it entirely. For the better. The last thing I needed was to be flooded by the scents that would have gone with it. Though I do feel for those that may have lost a friend. A sad time. It seems there is a lot of that going around lately.

I can't believe how early I was up today.. Y'ffre... Sun wasn't even up yet and I was moving about my camp.. I suppose worrying about the spriggans isn't helping. But they haven't attacked since the other night, so that's a plus. I also thought I got rid of that damn cricket.. No such luck. I have released it back into the wild four times now.. I think I'm stuck with it. Not sure why it's drawn to me.. My people eat bugs.. One would think it'd nope out.. Strange little thing. Since I can't seem to shake it off, I suppose I'll just give it a name.. Eventually.. It'll have one eventually.. maybe..

Honestly, it was the cute one I spent my morning speaking to that pointed out the stowaway of a cricket. I am glad it was just the cricket and not one of the other.. things.. that live out towards where I camp. I'm almost certain I would have fainted had it been a spider.

Spent my morning and some of my afternoon in the tavern. I almost didn't go in. But it had started to pour, and I just didn't feel like standing in the rain today. I am glad I went in after all. Good tea aside, I met some people that I've never seen before. The bartender for one. Nice fellow, though I don't know his name. Kind of.... cute.. honestly. There's also the other.. The one I spent talking with most of the morning.

He's so ...tall.. And very attractive. I don't know if I can spell his name.. So I won't butcher it. Seems this town has a lot of cuties running around it. Ah.. but my secret, yeah? I believe it is. Though.... Ahem.. That is to say, I did tell one that he was cute.. The others, I haven't said a word to. But that's only because he more or less called me it first. I can trade flirts too.. I'm not afraid to.

He went with me to my camp. I showed him some of the areas where the spriggans like to gather. Then we went our seperate ways. I went for a hunt after that. Took down a deer.

The rest of my day has been spent cleaning my camp. I returned to find it trashed. This is not the work of spriggans.. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say bandits or someone equally as stupid.

Tonight, I'll be laying traps.. After I finish cleaning the deer.. Then I'll hide. Eventually they'll come back.. When they do, I'll be waiting. I've decided not to sleep in my tent tonight.. Instead, I'll be hiding up on the rocks. I want to see them before they get the chance to see me.

DreamsJul 12, 2017

Jul 12, 2017 at 02:11 AM #32

11th of Sun's Height

Today has been... really well. Though this morning had so many surprises in it. Theren.. That's his name.. I hope I'm spelling it right. Gods, I'm terrible with names.. We spent the early morning hours talking.. Just the two of us. After I found him in town, and... Well.. things happened.. Things I dare not mention in this, as I don't know who might pick it up.. I thought I'd warn him somewhere private.. What I warned him about, I won't say either.. People like us... It's best we watch out for each other, right? I think so.

I almost walked right into Adeo on the way out of his camp.. My guar must have thought I was insane when I bumped into him. The look he gave me was like 'how dare you'. Silly thing. Theren really is.. cute.. No.. handsome.. Okay.. both. But I can't bring myself to out right say that.. I barely know him. Aside from that we are the same, he and I.. To a degree. We share a few things in common.. Though I still don't know him that well. To be expected.. We did just only meet like.. two days ago..

Town has become more alluring to me now. Before, I couldn't have cared less rather I ventured into town or not.. I could have been perfectly happy staying to the forest.. But now.. Now I have more of a reason to want to be there. A new friend.. Not counting the ones I know from the coven. Familiar faces are inviting, and I enjoy that. It's nice to know people when you wander into town. Even if it's just enough to be able to say hello to someone.

Though I still must be careful. It's... dangerous still. Guards are silver test happy. Stick to the shadows.. It's the only chance I have. So I have decided that I will only venture into town during the late evening and very early morning hours.. Not many around, and less guards to be concerned about. Less chance to get tested. I prefer it that way.

One nice thing about knowing the slopes beyond town, that go into the valley, I know every nook and cranny you can imagine. So many places to hide and lurk. Another is the fact that I know which rocks you can climb up in a hurry. Which ones will lead you right into town, and which ones to jump to in a hurry to get into the valley. I hope I never have to use it to leave in a hurry.. Although it wouldn't be the first time I've had to leave a place as such.

I checked camp after I departed from him. The traps are undisturbed. That's a both a good thing, and mildly irritating. Decided to just... spend my day carving a bit of wood. People give me strange looks when they realize I can do this.. It's strange for a bosmer they say.. Pheh... I've never followed the Green Pact. Neither did my parents come to think of it. I carved for a few hours before I dozed off.

Think I'll try to find someone to buy these animal hides.

DreamsJul 20, 2017

Jul 20, 2017 at 12:55 PM #33

20th of Sun's Height - [ The pages are water stained but at least readable. ]
(( Warning- spoilers ahead! You've been warned...))

Attacked! In my own damn camp! .... I want to kill all those connected to this... All of them!.. I should start from the beginning I suppose... Fucking bastards.. That whole situation just infuriates me... to no bloody end!

.. There was a massive storm that blew in the other day.. It seems to be hanging on. The lower gully has flooded. Some areas are deep enough that I'd have to swim to get across. Fuck being so damn short.. Fuck my life.. Never been a good swimmer. My brother once tried to work with me on that. But I could never quite get it. Anyway... I was tacking down a tarp to my tent.. The winds grabbed it and ripped it away. It's so difficult to see and work when shit is going to the nine hells of oblivion..

I almost had the damn tarp.. Then I was attacked. The man wore armor like mine. I didn't recognize him. But he tried to kill me. So I fought back with everything I had. In the end, I cornered him, blade to his throat and threw him to the ground. That's when another figure approached. I was certain it was more trouble.. Words cannot express how ready I was to cut the second intruder down. Nor can they express how relieved I was to realize it was Theren.

Together, we questioned that son of a bitch that attacked me... I forget his name now.. It's.. It's been a few days. But it don't matter. We got some answers.. None of them good. The Shadows.. Fuck my life.. Those fuckers.. back.... Kirsrin is dead. They got no business operating now. Though he could just be a rogue agent that's left over from them days.. He mouthed off to Theren.. Theren told him to be quiet. The man foolish mouthed off again.. Theren put an end to him. The body was left behind.. I'm certain senche will take care of it.

We left after a branch came crashing down and crushed my tent. I'll have to fix my camp another time.. When it's less dangerous. I got stuck in the mud and Theren got me.. unstuck. He carried me to the only refuge I could see in the storm.. Only time I could see it was when the lightning would streak across the sky. He waded through water with me in his arms. I prayed the entire time.. I'm not religious.. Never have been.. But I still prayed to Y'ffre.. Asking that there be no crocodiles..

There wasn't any.. Not at first. Luck ran out though when we got to the abandoned house. The door was locked. I have passed this place many times over in my hunts. But never stopped.. Not until now. Eight crocodiles were near the bottom. He managed to get us onto the ramp and I picked the lock to let us in. I'm glad that skill wasn't brought up. He don't like criminals.. I remember him saying that.. If he knew of my past... would he still like me?

Speaking of liking...

We.. sort of.. talked a bit inside. Okay.. Looking back on it.. more like tripped on words. But we talked.. I seen a spider.. he took care of it.. The man is wonderful.. Sweet, handsome, cute, heroic and wonderful.... And his eyes.. Even with the glamour down, I could get lost in them.. And his scent.. Wow...

I kissed his cheek at one point... He kissed my lips... He asked if I could want someone like him.. I said yes before .. sort of.. reversing the question on him. He gladly accepts me.. I can't honestly put into words just how happy that makes me. He's the first in a long time that I can be open with.. That I can show the real me around without being harshly judged or worse. Possibly killed for being what I am. He feels the same towards me...

It's odd.. I've known him a short time.. We became friends.. And now.. More.. But I am honest when I say that I trust him completely. That.. doesn't happen often. In fact, I don't trust hardly anyone completely. I'm still warming up to the coven. But they are also friends..I think... But with Theren.. Just something there..

Something that makes me smile.. makes feel at ease. Makes me want to trust and open up completely.. Being around him, my heart skips beats and I feel like there's dozens of butterflies all flapping at once in my gut.. It's been so long since I've experienced love.. But I don't remember it ever feeling like this... Its'... a pleasant and yet.. confusing feeling.. I like this feeling.. It's different.

DreamsJul 30, 2017

Jul 30, 2017 at 07:44 PM #34

30th of Sun's Height

It's the end of the month already.. I can hardly believe just how quickly time has passed. I got my camp cleaned up.. mostly. It's still like mush in the gully. All the flooding made it muddy and difficult to walk through in some points. Not without getting stuck at least. More than a few times, I've had to pull myself out of the mud, or practically crawl out.. It's.. not a pleasant feeling. Adeo is also still missing.

During the storm, the silly thing ran off. I haven't seen him since. He's not the only one missing. The cricket is also missing. I am uncertain if it yet lives or if it has died. It's strange to realize just how much I miss the hopping thing. I am worried for it just as much as I am for Adeo. Put up a notice the other day, in hopes that someone has seen him. But I won't get my hopes up.

For now, the best I can do is just.. keep watch for him. Malabal Tor is a big place, and the forest is dense. I'd be foolish to go searching through the forest in a wild hunt for a guar. With luck, he hasn't gone far. I'm almost certain he'll come back on his own. When the storm got bad, he fled the camp. I said he ran away.. That's why. A branch crashed down just a few feet from him, and he took off into the forest. It was raining too hard at the time to see where he went.

I heard rumor that the center tree in town is apparently weak.. Or something like that.. Not allowed to climb it anymore. I've been climbing it right along. Seemed fine to me all this time.

Can't decide if I want to visit town more, or just stick to my camp and continue trying to clean it up. The spriggans are now leaving me alone for the most part. I've only had one encounter since the storm. It came up, stared at me for the longest time. Though did not attack. After several moments, it turned and faded back into the forest. I wonder if the storm had something to do with their violence. Prior to the storm, they had been very vicious and intent on attacking everything around them. It is nice to see them being more peaceful.

My nose in this book isn't helping me though. I need to keep watch for my guar. So for now, this is it. I'll write more later.. Maybe.

DreamsAug 09, 2017

Aug 09, 2017 at 07:37 AM #35

8th of Last Seed - [ The pages are smeared / smudged with mud ]

Adeo was found tonight. I have Alendor to thank for this. I owe that man a drink. Without him, I likely would have never found my guar. I searched everywhere.. Or thought I had.. But together, we found him. I am not ashamed to say that I gave him a hug. It's nothing romantic, mind you. Oh what do you care? You're just a book... Pages can't judge a person.

But he can..

On the walk, he began to ask.. questions.. I tried to keep the explanations loose. Does he suspect anything? ... Did I perhaps..say too much? I don't know who I can trust in this place. This town, this forest.. All of it.. Who can I trust aside from Theren, the coven and Adeo? .... I wish I had answers for it. But I don't. In truth.. I'm just as alone all those years ago, as I am now. There's not many I can honestly say I trust.

Can't say I fully trust the coven either.. There are good people there though. And a few, that I'm always happy to see. Given what we all are, they're still good people, regardless. Trusting very little, may be for the best.. Less people to earn it, less people to cause grief later.. Perhaps it's better that way.

I've seen enough grief, I think...

Though I did try to answer Alendor's questions as honestly as possible, without outting myself. The last thing I need is to add more risk to just being in the area. I don't know how much I can trust him. Would he turn me in if I told him? Would he demand the town guard or the Fighter's Guild do away with me? More questions without answers. I suppose only time will tell just how much I can trust him. But I do see a friend in him. So.. it's a start. And he seems kind enough.

I am just relieved to have Adeo back.. To be reunited.. it's a heavy weight off my chest and shoulders. Bathing him has revealed that he had been bitten by something. The wound is already closing up though. No signs of infection. For that, I am grateful. I'll have to figure a way to get him a new saddle however. His saddle has definitely seen better days.

The cricket also was not with him. I will not get my hopes up for the cricket to have made it through that horrible storm. But... if I were to be honest, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. I can't tell if that hopping creature is a male or female.. But whichever, the critter seemed determined to stay at my side. Now the cricket is gone. It's always found me though in the past.. For that, I am certain if it yet lives, it'll turn up again.

Edited Aug 09, 2017 at 07:38 AM by 0

DreamsAug 25, 2017

Aug 25, 2017 at 06:28 PM #36

25th of Last Seed

It has been awhile since I dared to pick this book back up. My time has been consumed with other things. More important things, than sitting in my tent, writing.. First of all.. I met an argonian in the forest. Not far from my camp.. Dances-With-Tigers. He is a newly turned vampire. I took a risk. A stupid risk.. One that I now see... Very clearly. If push comes to shove, while I disapprove of lying, I will deny connection to him. I will not risk my own safety, for him.

I cannot say I trust him either. We have only just met. Last night was the second night I ever laid eyes on the man. He came to my camp with a pig, of which he slit the throat of. The scent of blood.. I left my camp to investigate. I found him kicking it. He said it was a thank you. I'm guessing a thank you for not killing him when I first seen him. I have nothing against him nor do I have anything against others of our kind. But caution is still needed.

Last night, he informed me that he had made a friend, though did not go into greater detail than that. I am glad for him. It's good to see him starting to move forward. When I first met him, he was certain I was an assassin, or something equally as dangerous, sent for him. The first time I seen him was a week ago. A new vampire.. I warned him of what the town is like towards our kind. Expose yourself as you are, and guards rise up against you. People fear our kind. For good reason.

Though I wish .... I wish others would understand that not all are bad. But.. that's a silly wish.

I traveled out to the Gold Coast after speaking with him. Paid a friend a visit. She gave me an amulet. On the way back to camp last night, I got attacked. The pig blood helped a little. But I need a proper feeding. Not off of an animal. I hate to admit that. But it is, what it is. I killed the son of a bitch that attacked.. But still got hurt in the end. Worth it though. I gave Tigers that damn amulet. Another thing I will deny if anyone ever finds out what he is.

There may come a day, where all this will eventually lead to me being driven out of town. For getting mixed up with this.. But.. I'll take the days as they come. I always have. It's really the only thing one can do.. Just survive and make it day to day. All the while hoping for the best.

He..asked if he's a monster. I told him no. Then he admitted to killing innocents. Would this include children? ... If it does, I cannot help but want to kill him myself. Yes, sometimes the occasional accident happens when one loses control due to blood lust. But.. he... admitted to enjoying it. To taking some type of pleasure in killing the innocent that were with a group of bandits. Claims it were the family of the bandits.

I told him a small bit of my past. But only enough to tell him the vampirism effects everyone differently. Looking back on that.. I suppose that's a lie in some ways. Gods.. I'm turning into just as big a liar as Kirsrin was all those years ago. I only pray that if I become as lying and backstabbing as she is, that someone puts me down.

It hit me this morning, just how much I miss Theren. It's been a month since I last seen him. I can't help but worry. I hope he's alright. Wherever he is. Wonder what he'd say if he learned I was attacked again. Some part of me don't want to tell him. And prays that the injuries are healed before he comes back from wherever he is.

Mara protect me. I sense dark roads ahead, and they circle around this argonian.. I hope what I sense, is wrong.

DreamsSep 02, 2017

Sep 02, 2017 at 02:47 AM #37

1st of Hearthfire

It's been a long week. I spent it hunting and fishing. I'm still a terrible fisherwoman. I've never been able to keep the patience to stare at the water waiting for a bite or a nibble. Though what I have caught, I've sold off in Velyn Harbor. It gives me a reason to need to travel. Anything other than just.. staying in the forest. A little social interaction is always a good thing.

Being back in my camp is nice. Though I'm also thinking of maybe getting a house in the jungle. Deeper in the jungle than what my camp is. Somewhere secluded. I want somewhere I can truly relax. Somewhere, where I'm not constantly having to watch my back. Someday, I'll have that.. Someday.. Though I can't say when that day will be. It'll be a lot of saving. And a lot of searching, to find the perfect place to call home.

I also have not seen Tigers in awhile. Him and the one that helped me find Adeo. There is concern aimed to not seeing Tigers. Not because I like him, not like that, but more so because of what he said the last time we seen one another.. I worry of what he may be up to. Then there's the kind one.. the man that said I look strange to him.. That man, I feel I owe an apology to. I told him half the truth, but not all of it. But at the same time, I just don't know if I can bring myself to apologize.. For one reason.. It'd mean possibly outting myself. And how do I not know he won't just turn me over?

Sithis, I'd be insane to just out myself. But something about the nicer one, makes me think I could possibly trust him.. No.. that about sums it up.. I have lost my damn mind.. Trusting.. Bah!..

Speaking of those that I've gotten to know a little.. And...started to trust..

It's going on two months.. I still haven't seen Theren. He once said he worked with the war effort. Supplied weapons. I think that's where he went. Maybe?.. He never did say..

I miss him so much. Not a day goes by where I don't think of him. His embrace, his scent.. The feel of his kisses.. Hearing his voice, and having to look way up to be able to see his face, unless he kneels to my level. I'm tiny compared to him.

It's strange.. I promised myself, I'd never get attached to another person for the remainder of my unnatural life. Too much heartache comes when one gets attached. You out live those you love. Or something happens... or they lose interest.. Or just.. out right shatter your heart into a dozen pieces by leaving.. Or suddenly just not wanting to be near. Or they turn against you.. Life has taught me that everyone leaves in the end. There's no one that can be fully trusted.

And yet.. I find myself completely trusting Theren. Like it's the most natural thing in the world. And... looking forward to the time spent together. Trusting him, and falling further for him. Is this a dream? If it is, I pray no one wakes me..

He's the only one I honestly and completely trust, in this entire forest. Aside from Adeo.

Y'ffre, what am I doing?

DreamsSep 03, 2017

Sep 03, 2017 at 11:36 AM #38

3rd of Hearthfire

I wonder if a mage can help me enchant a letter.. One that will only allow select readers to read it.. Is there even such a spell? I've never had a talent for arcane things..

DreamsSep 06, 2017

Sep 06, 2017 at 06:49 AM #39

6th of Hearthfire

I have gotten too comfortable in the life I've been leading.. I know that now. I remember a friend once saying, that some things, even if you leave them.. You're never truely out. I was a fool for not listening to those words.. He was a wise man.

It feels so strange to be this far inland on the Coast.. And so close to Kvatch.. There's so many emotions and memories wrapped up in this place.. Good and bad.. All mixed and rolled together.. I can feel them churning every time I look upon places I had once visited back then. Of the good, is at least having Tigers with me.

There won't be any need to worry about him, with him being with me. I can teach him more on vampirism. Rather than him having to learn the harsh way that I did. I didn't sire him, and it feels strange to teach a new vampire how to.. well.. be a vampire.. I want to contact the coven eventually.. Maybe seek help. But would they even be willing to accept a new vampire? One that also nearly outted himself, and admitted to enjoying killing innocents?

Y'ffre.. I can't help but feel like I'm making a mistake with this.. But.. it's too late to back out now.

I hope in time, that we won't be alone out here. I left that letter for Theren. Pinned to a tree.. I'm already dead.. in a sense.. Done so many things.. I know where I'm going in the end.. So the Ooze doesn't frighten me as much as it probably should. Even I can admit to myself that it is strange that I don't have fear of it. Or at least, not a great deal of fear. I didn't go into great detail in the letter.. I just let him know that I'm safe... mostly.

It's cold here.. I miss the Valenwood.. Not something I thought I'd ever hear myself say. But even the muggy warmth is better than sitting here... Shivering. I think this is where I'm wrapping this up. The fire looks so inviting.

DreamsSep 07, 2017

Sep 07, 2017 at 01:15 PM #40

7th of Hearthfire

I would have never thought my contract would take me to Windhelm. My first time seeing snow.. It's beautiful here. Cold, but beautiful. Part of me don't want to leave here. But I know when my contract is complete, I'll have to return to the Gold Coast.. Return to the sanctuary. When one of the new mages there opened a portal for me, I thought she was toying with me. But she sent me on ahead alone.

Tigers was left behind. Part of me is worried about this. He insisted on staying. I did not argue. Time was precious and I didn't have it to waste. So I left him at the camp.

Was in Windhelm long enough to get completely turned around and lost. Found myself in part of the town square.. I think it was the town square. Lots of merchants. Bought a blanket for Adeo. While I was trying to make sure my guar was alright, Theren snuck up on me. I didn't even catch his scent. All I felt was an arm go around me, cold metal plating press into my back from his armor.. And other hand, go over my mouth.

I.. I have a lot of enemies. I'm not sure just how far the reach of the Shadows go.. Came close to attacking. Until I heard him speak. He whispered to me.. Questioning.. Asking why I was there. I didn't even know he was in Windhelm. Had to tap his hand to remind him that his hand was on my mouth. When he let go, and spun me to face him, I tried to hide the bruise under my eye.

There wasn't much to tell. I didn't mention the Brotherhood. I didn't mention hardly anything really.. Told him I was on a contract, and my.... employer... as it were.. Sent me here.

We talked for awhile. Caught up. Gods, I missed him so much. He even warned that if things get out of hand with Tigers, and things lead to trouble, to get out of it. To find a way out. I'm good at getting in trouble and out of it, it seems. Told.. no.. I promised him.. That if things got bad, I'd do it. I'd get out of it. I know he means to protect me if things go south.

I wanted to spend more time with him. But... curse the sun... When dawn hit, he had to go. He had to go to work. Not that I could stay anyway.. My target made an appearance and started towards another section of town. We had to part ways. Hugged Theren before departing.

Spent my morning tailing the target. I've learned some things about this drunken nord. Why there was a hit on put on him. When it comes to contracts from the Brotherhood, you are not allowed to ask why someone has a hit on them. Not allowed to question what they could have done wrong. This is the reason I left the Brotherhood so long ago. Or.. tried.. You never are fully out of a group like these people..

Anyway.. the target. He yet lives. I have learned a few things.. Just from following him. First, no one in this town seems to like him. Secondly, he's a drunk. Even for a nord. Think I'll tail this guy awhile longer. I still haven't found a suitable place to.... well.... finish the job.

It feels strange to sleep in an inn room.. It's much different than the soft fur bedroll of my camp..

[ It trails off here. There's ink smears.. And a smudge.. Hints of ink having spilled.. Niv having likely fallen asleep. ]

DreamsSep 09, 2017

Sep 09, 2017 at 12:49 PM #41

9th of Hearthfire

This job is starting to get under my skin. The things I have learned about this... drunken lout.. It makes me completely loath him. I see why someone would perform the sacrament on this nord. A murderer. He's a damn murderer.. And an ex bandit. He killed his own family.. All of them. Heard him bragging about it last night night in the tavern. If it weren't for the place crawling with potential witnesses, I would have slit his throat right there.

Who in their right mind murders an innocent child?! He bragged.. Bragged he killed his little girl. He was talking in a booth to someone. One I can only assume was his friend. They probably didn't realize I was sitting behind them at a little table. His friend is just as disgusting.

Tonight, I'm ending this. I've learned enough. I don't agree with the Brotherhood's policies. I never have. But on this one, I wish I had stuck to the rules a bit closer. Not knowing anything on this target would have been for the best. I have mental notes of all the places this bastard likes to visit. Some of them, are very secluded. Since arriving, he has been sticking close to the edge of town.. Near an alley way. I think that will be where I put an end to him.

I want to punch something.. Anything.. Think I'll spend my morning knocking the stuffing out of the closest training dummy. Believe I seen one or two dummies near the fighter's guild. Always avoided that guild. Too many silver things around with that lot.. Though.. punching something is better than bottling up the rage. Anything to put my mind at ease..

Edited Sep 09, 2017 at 12:53 PM by 0

DreamsSep 10, 2017

Sep 10, 2017 at 01:59 AM #42

9th of Hearthfire - [ This is written several hours after the last entry. The writing is shaky, smearing in places. ]

The contract is done. I.... I feel I should just vanish for awhile. What I did, was terrible. Killed him.. I killed that thug.. But that was part of the contract.. But not his friend.. I killed his friend. He wasn't an innocent.. But he wasn't part of the job. Mara... Y'ffre.. forgive me.. My arms hurt where they grabbed me. I'm sure both arms will be bruised by morning.

I didn't have a choice.. I keep telling myself that, but I know it's not true. I know I could have gotten out of... no... I should have gone for help.. I could have played victim. Lied to the guards, gotten them to help. Those two.. They were waiting for me.. They weren't as stupid as I had initially thought them to be. Somewhere along the line, they noticed I was following.

They tried to ambush me. It failed.. But they still did grab my arms and attempt to drag me to the edge of the docks. Tried to throw me in the icy water. In the end, I had no choice but to reveal what I am. Killed them both.. First one, I was able to drown in the water. The second, slit his throat before feeding off of him.

This contract did not go as planned.. The alley... that's where I had planned to end it.. But ended up at the docks.. He was alone.. at first.. Then his friend emerged from nowhere.. It felt like nowhere.. It was only us on the docks. I know I'm safe.. But.. I can't help but feel what I did was wrong.

When I returned, a fight broke out. Things happened. I don't have regrets. Nor will I apologize. Pompus mage.. She broke my wrist when I refused to leave the Gold Coast. She now has a broken nose. I thought it only fair. We got a light warning out of it, and I was sent on. When I stepped into the portal, the mage kicked me. I will have to remember to repay her for that next time I'm out this way.

Tigers treated my wrist. Said he knows a healer that can speed up the healing. I won't bother saying what he used to help ease the pain. But nor will I ever touch it again either. Let's just leave it there.

Sat watching the waves roll in after that. Part of me.. don't want to leave.. It's beautiful here. And there are some good memories attaches to this region. But I know I need to return to the Valenwood... I can do that in the morning I suppose.. For now.. I should sleep... Maybe I'll dream of Theren tonight.. maybe..

....Y'ffre.. The water is purple... Why is the water purple?...I need a drink..

DreamsSep 16, 2017

Sep 16, 2017 at 01:09 AM #43

15th of Hearthfire

Stupid.. pounding head.... Someone just end me.. No wait.. I take it back.. Keeping this short. Reading makes it worse, and the scritch of the quill makes me want to vomit... Blah..

Alright.. so.. contract stuff.. first.. Killed the bastard that I was sent for. Just a mercenary contract this time. Rapist-thug, pretending to be a noble. Fucker was a mage.. He pulled a ceiling down and tried to kill me. He killed himself with that move. I got knocked out of the way by a goat.. Yes.. A goat. It saved my life. I saved his. They were going to eat him. Think I'll keep him.

Still don't got a name for him. Maybe Hero.. But that sounds too cliche.

Seen Theren. I.. don't remember what all we talked about. But I remember him saying he is leaving again on business. Y'ffre, I'm going to miss that man. But I will keep myself busy. I always do. Contracts are picking back up. I think it's the change in seasons. Seems they always slow to a crawl in the summer. Fall is setting in, even if the Valenwood feels the same. Still warm.

Okay.. Said enough. Going back to bed.. Tired and sick, and sick and tired.. and maybe.. More than a little hung over. Gods, he was right. I do regret drinking all that qwarsh..

[ At the end, the words are seriously smudged from the book being hastily slammed shut. ]

DreamsSep 18, 2017

Sep 18, 2017 at 04:48 AM #44

What is today? I don't even know.. The days have begun to blur together again.. It's not from drinking. No, I haven't touched qwarsh since the night Theren found me drinking.. I have just been running ragged. There's so much work for me to do. The contracts are pouring in and at times, it's hard for me to keep up.

I should have been working yesterday. I missed the boat to Morrowind. A notice came in from Theo and so I went to see the coven. I am glad I did. So many new people that I have never met before. We swam and had a good time. There's also a new vampire there.. Maybe more than one.. I honestly don't know. One of them is Ji. I don't know the rest of his name.. so Ji is fine for now, I'm sure..

You're just a book. You can't judge me for not knowing a person's name.

Also have a place to sleep that is dry. The coven house.. I took the top bunk to a bunk bed. Though after tonight, I now worry..

Tonight... Gods.. I wish I hadn't gone. I should have just gone to Morrowind.. I should have just put myself to work, as I should have been in the first place.. There was a fight.. I won't say what all happened.. But I feel terrible about it. So caught up in the fight, then hearing the insult towards bosmer... about our weapon choices.. Ugh.. I should have gone to my daggers.. I should have. I regret what I did. But regrets are pointless.. There's no turning back.

Is the coven going to turn against me? I really am sorry for it all..

I suppose it's a good thing that we must hide our identies.. But I suspect they likely still have some inkling as to who we all are.. At least as far as coven goes. I did apologize..

Think I'll just.. stay at the river for awhile. The sounds of the water is soothing, a good thing for frazzled nerves.

Also found a cave... maybe I'll move my camp into here..

Edited Sep 18, 2017 at 04:56 AM by 0

DreamsSep 19, 2017

Sep 19, 2017 at 03:16 AM #45

Spoiler Heavy & Possible Triggers

Another day.. evening.. whatever.. I still don't know what today is. I started to move my camp last night. Not because of the arena stuff.. No.. I move camps every couple of months. I over stayed my welcome in my last camp. People are finding me. That's not a good thing. Friends are fine, but enemies, not so much. My past is catching up again..

I had another uninvited guest at my camp last night. Gods.. I can't get the blood off my hands.. I know it's not there, but when I look at it, it's all I can see. What have I done?

He.. appeared as I was changing into cooler clothing.. He caught me half undressed.. My bow, he broke my bow. I'll have to get another one. Though I suppose that's justice to the bow.. But that don't matter right now.. Mara... Y'ffre.... What have I done..?

He attacked me.. It was self defense.. Self... defense.. I need to keep telling myself this. The anxiety says different. All I can hear in my mind is 'bad friend'. I knew him. I hadn't seen him since I was young. He.. He was in my brother's group way back.. I remember sparring with him.. He was in all black, a hood up. He attacked, pulled a blade and tried to drive it through my chest. He was trying to pierce my heart with that damn blade.

The silver scratched my skin. Drew blood. It burns like a son of a bitch.. But I'm... 'alive'... I suppose.. When I finally managed to get him on his back and unarmed, he just.. stared up at me. Survival instinct by then had taken over.. I.. I...

His blade... I drove that into his chest, just as he pulled his hood off. I broke down seeing him. He was my friend! MY FRIEND! ... It was years ago that we were friends.. But I never thought there'd come a day where he'd come for me.. I never thought in a million years that I'd have to be the one to end him.

Horrible friend.. terrible friend... Not worthy of friends... I.. I once cared for him. He was my only friend so long ago.. Back when The Shadows first began to change.. Then he left.. Like so many others... I'm not worthy of friends.. Everything I touch in the end, turns to shit..

It's done. My camp has been moved. This is for the best. I probably will go back to the coven house. Even though I thought before that I shouldn't... At least until I can get things settled into my new camp. Likely..just.. stay to myself... My chest hurts..

DreamsSep 20, 2017

Sep 20, 2017 at 08:13 AM #46

Spoilers, Trigger Warning, NSFW

20th of Hearthfire - [ The writing is jittery, angry and smears in several places. There's also traces of blood on the page. Anyone with a sensitive enough nose, would recognize it to be her own. The blood is along the edges of the pages. Some smears over one page in the center. The other page has smaller speckles. ]

Know what today is.. Suppose that's something...

The puking stopped.. Thought it'd never stop... I remember the alcohol.. Buying it and the first few drinks.. The fuck if I know what happened after that.. Slept outside the coven house, along side my goat. Good thing too.. Woke up sick after all that..

I.. I remember some things.. But.. there's a large portion just.. missing. Gone.. Forever, I'd guess.. I remember.. my friend's.. murder.. His blood is still on my hands.. Scrubbed them.. Hurts to move them.. No longer care about the pain.. I still see his blood.. Will this ever stop? I feel s if I'm going fucking crazy..

I see his face when I close my eyes.. Dull eyes... He has dull eyes even in my dreams of that night... Maybe Ji is right.. Maybe someone did something with magic on him. Never did trust mages.. Fucking mages... Healers are fine.. They actually do something good.. The rest of them.... Wouldn't fucking trust them if I was fucking paid to trust them...

Y'ffre... I'm sorry.. Sorry for everything.. Wish I could tell anyone I've ever wronged that.. I think.. I'm break down again....

Not much of a drinker.. But I... I want more.. I also just feel like curling up, hiding and not coming out.. For a long time.. Mara help me..

[ There's a smear at the bottom of the page.. Ink and blood. Blood is edged along the side of the book after she closed it ]

DreamsSep 25, 2017

Sep 25, 2017 at 05:25 AM #47

Language Warning

24th of Hearthfire

I don't know if the date is correct.. Nor do I honestly care... Said before that I moved my camp.. Well I've been spending my time reorganizing everything. Everything seems out of place. I hate it. There's a side of me screaming that 'this don't go here'.. I don't remember having this damn issue when I made camp up in the hills near town.

Need to go back to the coven house soon. Is it strange that I feel safer there? The cave is great. It's out of the way. No one would think to check in it. There's nothing too dangerous in here. Every now and then, a bosmer wanders in..

I'm.. ashamed to say that one found me sleeping yesterday.. I killed him and fed off of him. His own fault.. Woke up to the strange man standing over me, watching me.. I.. reacted instead of questioning.. His body is now senche food.. Not likely anyone will know. I hope not.

It won't happen again.. I keep telling myself that. I have to be careful. But this is fairly deep in the forest.. No.. letting my guard down just isn't worth the problems it could bring.

Did some scouting, and I found that the Shadows are indeed back. This isn't good. Kirsrin should be dead.. I seen her damned corpse! I know what the fuck I seen.. How is she... No.. It has to be a new leader running these fucks. It's gotta be someone that the bitch knew. Or maybe someone, some of the old members knew. I didn't see their new leader. But they're back in the Hollow.

But.. if it's a new leader, why would they be sending people for me? That makes no fucking sense. None. No... She has to be behind it. But how could she? The people I seen outside the Hollow, many of them looked to be mages. We never had mages in our ranks back then. What the in the nine hells is going on. I wish I had some fucking answers that were at least tangable. I got nothing and it's down right infuriating!

Shit. Just.. fucking...shit.

There will come a time I'll have to leave. There will come a time where I'll have to just.. out right vanish. I fear that time is fast approaching and there's not a damn thing I can fucking do about it.

DreamsSep 28, 2017

Sep 28, 2017 at 10:28 AM #48

28th of Hearthfire - [ There's mud on the pages, due to her damp surroundings. ]

It's late, I know it is. There's no sunlight near the mouth of the cave. So tired.. But.. my mind is just racing. Impossible to silence it, it seems.

I got in closer today to the Hollow. Necromancers... The Shadows have really fallen. Gods.. Gloo would be broken hearted if he knew what he built had fallen so far.

Looking back on that night I killed a friend.. Was that night, because of these people? These.. Necromancers..Did they do something that caused him to attack like he did? His dull, empty eyes still haunt me..

It's not my fault.. I know that now. I understand that now. But it don't stop it from hurting any less. Mara's heart.. I've gone soft, haven't I? I used to be a real killer.. Able to not be phased by things like this.. But.. here I am, the memory still clinging.

Theren found my camp tonight. So happy to know he's back. He spoke of the mountains of Skyrim. It sounds amazing. Never seen the mountains up close before. I've only seen them in the distance. And that was only during my first trip there. When I went to Windhelm that last time. The mountains, even from the city walls, looked beautiful. And the snow, and cold air.. I miss it. Strange that I'd say that. Kvatch and the Valenwood.. They're not cold places.

Told him a bit of my past.. He asked about Gloo.. Asked if he still lead The Shadows. I told him most of the things about it. And of my brother's death.. And of my own. I do not regret giving my life to defend Glooras. I regret that I wasn't able to ensure his safety. I regret that he still died in the end. Y'ffre, I know he's with you.. Protect my brother and keep him safe. As safe as one can keep a spirit. It'll always be my fault that my brother died that night. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't quick enough.

I slept for a little awhile. Woke up to the goat nudging me. Now I can't sleep. Theren looks so peaceful. Think.. I'll just lay here for the rest of the night. He's here with me.. And I feel more safe than I have in a very long time. Even if I can't go back to sleep, I can at least lay here, cuddled up with him.

My mind is circling around what he told me.. What he plans to do.. It's as I've always said, just as it's my lot in life... Everyone goes away in the end.

But it's in the distant future.. It may not even happen.. Who's to say..

I've never felt this way before about anyone.. Being around him, I get dizzy and starry-eyed.. My heart races and I just.. can't help but to smile. Whatever he decides, I'll support him. His happiness means the world to me.

Edited Sep 28, 2017 at 10:31 AM by 0

DreamsOct 03, 2017

Oct 03, 2017 at 10:28 AM #49

3rd of Frostfall

Tonight has been very quiet. I am almost surprised at the peace in this cave. Perhaps the only sound in here is that of the cave itself. Sometimes, it almost sounds like the ocean. Or maybe that's just my over active mind talking. A desire to see the ocean again? .. I can't really say. Thought about maybe going down to the beach later. Though, I am uncertain if it is safe there yet. Especially after the rumors I was hearing of slavers.

I was napping. I'd likely still be asleep, but I woke up to a spider on my arm. One of those hand sized bastards. I screamed and killed it. Surprised no one outside the cave heard the scream..

Before I was woken, I was lost in a dream. A very good dream. I dreamed of the night Glooras found me. Of the night he adopted me, and took me in. Those kind of dreams, I enjoy. It's just good memories replaying while I rest. Dreamed of him teaching me to use the bow, and how proud I felt back then when I fired it for the first time and hit the bullseye. He had said it was beginner's luck, but he was grinning. He wasn't bitter about it.

I woke up, almost expecting to find myself in the Hollow again. But I am relieved to find myself in this cave.. in my camp.. instead. Considering what the Hollow has become.

Theren wishes that I stay away from the Sha-...no. They're not Shadows anymore.. Just.. filthy necromancers.. No matter what name they take.. Anyway.. He asked that I remain from them. I promised I would, the last time we spoke. Though there's still a part of me that wants to storm in there.. Arrows flying.. Though that's foolish. I know it. It's why I won't do it.

Decided that I'm going to make the trip back to the Coven house tomorrow. Even if just to visit everyone. I do miss those there. Wonder how everyone is.

DreamsOct 19, 2017

Oct 19, 2017 at 01:58 PM #50

19th of Frostfall

I never did make it out to the Coven house. Another contract came up, and I was called away. It took me to Falkreath. The more I venture into Skyrim, the more I realize just how much I like it there. In some ways, it reminds me a lot of the Gold Coast. Saying it out loud, I probably sound weird. A bosmer that'd rather be in snow, than live forever in the jungle. But.. was never from the Valenwood to begin with. I feel like an outsider here, sometimes.

Returned only to find the forest has become a creep-fest again. Wonderful. There's nothing I can really compare this to, without it sounding childish. I know I don't like it. I know the sounds outside the cave have me on edge. I brought Adeo inside the cave. It's not like he's going to hurt anything being inside. I feel safer having him in the cave with me, than leaving him out there. Mara only knows what's lurking in that damned fog.

At least the cave is safe. I sectioned off a part of the cave. Around a pool of water that has fresh water flow from outside. A good place to bathe I think. It's quiet, secluded and has constant fresh water flow. What more could I ask for? Also a good spot for a swim. And I don't even have to worry about going out there.

Although the more I think about it, the more I think that maybe.. I should go back to the coven house. I might be safer there.

DreamsOct 29, 2017

Oct 29, 2017 at 12:09 PM #51

22nd of Frostfall

Another contract has called my attention. This time, to Marbruk. I don't have many memories of this place. What few I do have, all are centered around my time spent here, while my brother was sitting on death's doorstep. Back when we traveled with the caravan, and he almost died trying to protect not only it, but me. The memories of his clinic stay, and watching over him. And watching as the healer tended to him.

It feels.. strange to be back here. I keep looking at the clinic, and half expecting to see him sitting outside it. A blanket over his legs, just like back then. A doctor close by, scolding him for leaving the inside of the clinic.. But he's not there. Nor is there the healer from back then.

Still haven't found my contract either. He's supposed to be in this town. Hard to miss a.. as my employer worded it.... redguard built like a mountain. I'm sure he'll turn up eventually. They always do. In the mean time, I've decided to rent a room at the tavern. Ironically, it's the same room I had when I was a teenager. It hasn't really changed. The only thing different, is the colors in here.

Before I left Malabal Tor, I did peek in on what had once been the Shadows. I don't think they're Shadows anymore. Nor do I believe that all are necromancers either. I kept my distance. I kept my word and promise. Theren asked me not to go near them.. I didn't go to near them.. In my own way. I was close enough I could see them, without being near them.

Part of me, really wants to know why these people are back. Wiped out twelve years ago.. And now they're back.. Nothing good can come of this. I almost.. want to go to the Fighter's Guild with this. To ask for help. But.. I'm also afraid.

What if I'm discovered as what I really am? I am not ready to face possible execution just for being a vampire. Not when there's so much left to do. So much that needs done. I know one day, I'll be discovered. One can only hide what they really are for so long, before people find out. But I'm in no hurry for it either.

Better thoughts.. I need better thoughts right now. I wonder what Theren is doing. Wonder how he is.. Y'ffre, I miss him. I should sleep.. Maybe I'll dream of him tonight.. But I don't know if sleep will even come. My mind is far from quiet.

DreamsOct 29, 2017

Oct 29, 2017 at 12:15 PM #52

29th of Frostfall

The end of the month already... I can't believe I forgot to write after that last contract. It don't matter. The contract is done. He was a pain in the backside to take down. I'm just glad to be back in Malabal Tor.. Back in my camp. I've missed it.

The stars are so beautiful tonight, I think I'll stay outside awhile longer.

DreamsDec 01, 2017

Dec 01, 2017 at 04:23 PM #53

1st of Evening Star

Another new month. And I am still away from the Valenwood.. Why am I here? I keep staring at my family's old homestead, near Kvatch.. Even now, while I sit in this tavern... I still see it in the back of my mind..

The house is a run down old shack, now. It's nothing like what it was, when I was a small girl. But if I close my eyes, I can still see my father stirring soup over the fire... Still smell the scents of the bear fat cooking... Hear my mother as she hummed a gentle tune, while she knitted.. Even smell her perfume she always wore..

But when I open them, it's just the empty, run down shack staring back at me.. It's no longer home.. I know this. I'd be a fool to think otherwise. No amount of fixing it up would change that. This was home before the Valenwood ever was. I still see them here. More so in this area, than I do the city.

There hasn't been any work in awhile. I left no notes to say I was leaving.. I have considered just.. moving here.. But what use would that do? What purpose would it serve? This tiny house is beyond repair. And the only ones I know along the Gold Coast is the coven and of course, a few from the Brotherhood.

Even with the memories I have of here.. I also have found myself thinking of Silvenar.. Though today is also special... I can't believe it's been fifteen years already, as of today. Has it really been that long?

Fifteen years since Glooras found me.. Rescued me. I remember being.. so.. terrified of him. Thinking he meant me harm. When really, he was the only one in that village willing to take me in. Willing to look past me being a worthless street rat.

Things really sink in when I sit and think like this. Think about everything. The coven, my past.. The things in my past. The friendships and the betrayals. The... everything really. Sithis, I think I'd rather take on a damn daedra right about now. It'd get my mind off the depressing thougths rolling through my head at least. Or maybe even take a contract..

Here's to you, brother. And to my parents.. Wherever the spirits have taken you. I hope you're at peace with Y'ffre, and not watching from the spirit world, worrying for me.

Maybe I'll stop by the coven sometime soon.. Maybe.. I just... I don't know what I'm doing anymore. At least Napkin and Adeo seem to be enjoying their time here.

DreamsFeb 05, 2018

Feb 05, 2018 at 01:48 AM #54

4th of Sun's Dawn

There's ...something like a calling here. The Gold Coast.. I can't even bring myself to want to leave. What is wrong with me? I feel as if I've asked this before. Things have also gotten out of control. Things are spiraling and I feel like there's nothing I can do to stop it. Just spinning with the downward spiral. It's not losing control, but more like having no way to get a grasp on life at the moment.

I started to search for a cure again. After so much thought about my brother, I just couldn't leave it alone. This has stirred up trouble with vampire hunters. Lucky me. Though their attacks have become less and less. They've likely forgotten me for the time being. It's a good thing. But I'm far from ready to just let my guard down.

There's another problem however. I was packing up camp yesterday and The Shadows attacked. Bastards. six of them. Before I left the Valenwood, I had been watching them. I didn't think they had noticed me, nor cared to. I've never seen them leave the Valenwood before. But this pokes holes in all my theories. If not for Tigers, I'd be dead. Damned necromancers..

After thinking about it, there is something I could do.. But.. Is it worth the risk? The Fighter's Guild handles shit like this, don't they? Necromancers, and other threats to the area? .... But is it really worth it.. That's the question I just can't stop asking myself. That damned town is obsessed with their damned silver tests. What if they want to run a test on myself? Or worse.. what if on Tigers? I don't want to be responsible for him getting hurt.

Damn it.

DreamsMar 12, 2018

Mar 12, 2018 at 01:49 PM #55

12th of First Seed

I need to stop this before it's too late.. One vanishes, and then... I just find myself wanting to spend more and more time with.. No. I can't do this. I won't do this.. The last fight made me realize that I'm likely on borrowed time. One wrong move, one slip, and it's all over. Love is fleeting and foolish. How could I have been so blind to this fact all this time?

He saved my life.. I'm thankful for that.. But.. I care.. and that will cause problems. It was a close brush with death.. Next time.. I may not be able to avoid it. Next time, it may be it. Things are getting dangerous and I... I .. I just can't finish this.. I just can't..

Mara... What did I do to deserve this? So much blood on my hands.. And no amount of scrubbing removes it. And no matter where I run, I'm always found.. Maybe there really isn't anywhere left for me to run to..

I'm scared.. I feel stupid for even admitting it.. But I am. I'm terrified of what's going to happen next.. Of what could happen. I already got a taste of it. If not for Tigers, I'd be.... I don't think it matters now. Eventually that time will come. I'm kidding myself if I think otherwise.. One day, I won't escape. I won't have that streak of luck that pulls me out in time.

[ There's a portion of the page torn off at the bottom. Though there don't seem to be any missing writing. Perhaps torn off for scrap paper. ]

DreamsMay 14, 2018

May 14, 2018 at 04:08 AM #56

[ The date is entirely missing. There's stains of blood on the page.. A mixture of her own and that of another. It's mostly just smudges. Though what belongs to her, is in small droplets. The ink used for this entry is several weeks old. How far it was written from the previous entry is anyone's guess. ]

Another contract is complete.. The Brotherhood is coming to rely on me more and more.. I wish I could escape this. I wish I had never answered their summons all those years ago.. There isn't an escape though. Trapped while still being allowed to roam free..

The target put up a fight. It seems he was aware of my presence from the moment I got him alone. Bastard turned out to be a werewolf. The injuries aren't too bad.. Nothing that feeding won't take care of. He's dead, and I'm still here. That is what matters the most. The sooner I can get out of Windhelm the better. I'm tired of the cold. I know Adeo is as well. This is no place for a guar.

I'll have to find a merchant in the morning. Hopefully they'll have some portal scrolls. The one I had, is missing. I'm uncertain of where it could have gone, but just the same, I'm stranded here until I can get my hands on one.

The next entry, is on the heavy side

[ The writing is shaky, tears mar the pages. Some of the ink is thickly blotted in places and smearing in others. ]

10th of Second Seed

Alive?! How!? Vin.. that son of a bitch.. No no no... He.. He can't be.. These necromancers are his... I'm truly trapped then. When I stepped out of the portal, I discovered necromancers talking.. He's alive.. so they say.. Nowhere I go is safe. Eventually, he'll come for me himself. I have nowhere left to run to. Gold Coast, Valenwood... Skyrim even.. It no longer matters. They'll.... he'll.... find me. It's just a matter of time.

I thought he died.. I thought.... I guess.. I was was wrong.. I just don't understand how.. The smell of death was all over that valley when I found Kirsrin.. He should have been dead as well.. Mara, does this mean that... she's... alive too?

This will only end one way.. I told Tigers. He knows now.. Knows that I'm on borrowed time.. Especially if Vin is not stopped. The only way this will stop is if I.. we... face off against him. To kill Vin ourselves. I'm fully aware of what could happen if I go back to the Valenwood. That bastard is waiting for me. But it won't always be so.. He will eventually come after me himself. I've been lucky this far.. But luck never lasts..

And I...... Damn it.... Am I fucking crazy?! ... Theren just.. vanishes.. Gone for months.. I don't think he's coming back. And then.. I find myself with Tigers more and more. He kissed me.. I just.. couldn't bring myself to pull away. Love is fleeting and leads to trouble. I see that now.. Yet.. I want to be with him... But I fear I will only hurt him in the end. But... he also wants to be at my side. He wants to stay with me no matter what..

I can't promise what tomorrow will hold. I can't promise that I'll always be here for him.. My luck may run out. Please.. don't let this end in heartache for either of us.. Maybe it's best if I just cherish each evening with him.. With things spiraling as they are, I don't know when my sire will appear..

Tigers.. You are my heart.. I just hope I don't lead you to your death..

Edited May 14, 2018 at 04:13 AM by 0

DreamsJun 08, 2018

Jun 08, 2018 at 11:36 AM #57

[ Once more, the date is missing. Where it should be, is a single pressed flower. The crease of the following pages have small petals stuck into them. ]

I know I should have just.. let these be.. But they're beautiful. They also.. remind me of Tigers. The more time we spend in the Gold Coast, the more I really don't want to leave. Being here with him, it's peaceful. It's more than I could ever deserve. If there's one thing life has taught me, peace and happiness always have a heavy price in the end.. But I can't help but to smile.. Thinking about him does that..

However, I know the time will come when we will go back to the Valenwood.. Back to Malabal Tor.. I do not look forward to this. Just.. a little longer, I wish to stay here. To stay where there is some form of peace at his side.

Divines, when did this happen? When I first met him, I thought he would only bring trouble.. A newly turned vampire.. I was so leery of him then.. So.. cautious. Uncertain of how to teach him to control himself.. I even tried to push him away. When I realized I was in over my head, and that the only thing left to do was run, I thought I was doing the right thing.. Pushing him away seemed perfectly logical. But now.. I couldn't imagine being without him.

If I survive this.. I think I'd like to get a house out here. Maybe even settle down one day. Not having to run for my life all the time would be a nice change. I often wonder if that's even possible. I've dealt with people trying to kill me for so long, is it even possible? A home.. somewhere far from the troubles of the world... Finally be able to rest and not have to look over my shoulder all the time.. Almost seems like something out of a dream to ask for.

Y'ffre..... I should have probably left the flowers alone.. But.. they reminded me of the small moments of peace we find each day.. I wish it could last forever.. Don't be too angry, Y'ffre.. Just let me have this small moment of happiness..

Wonder if the stars will be out tonight..

[ There's badly drawn doodles along the bottom of the page. Hearts, little flowers, an attempt at drawing Tigers. Though, the attempt at Tigers, just looks like a stick figure.. A badly drawn.. stick figure at that. As even the one of Tigers, has a strangely shaped head. And an almost snake like tail, with bumps. Her attempt at trying to draw an argonian. Part of the drawings and doodles have been scribbled out as well. ]

Edited Jun 08, 2018 at 11:42 AM by 0

DreamsJan 06, 2019

Jan 06, 2019 at 12:16 AM #58

5th of Morning Star

[ Pressed to the creases of the book are flower petals and a few blades of grass. Some of the pages are even stained purple, blue and red from the flowers. ]

It's done. My sire, dead. All that planning, it finally came to use. Going into it, I was so scared. Thought for sure he was going to take me again. Force me to work along side him. Then the fighting started and things started to get out of hand. I thought for sure I was going to die. He almost had me. But we did it. We finally did it. That bastard is dead. I think I like saying that.

We burned his body. We also burned the inside of The Hollow. I have no regrets about what I did. Y'ffre forgive me, but no one needs to be in The Hollow ever again. That place needed destroyed. Necromancers had taken it over and he lead them. May Sithis curse them.

Is it... truly over though? I never thought I'd have freedom. There's so much that has happened. So much that I want to say. But where do I even start? Malabal Tor.. It feels like a distance memory. Or is it more accurate to call it a nightmare? I never want to go back. It's a part of my past that needs to be forgotten. All the things that happened there, all the tears and the bloodshed.. Losing someone the one bit of family that I had, all of it. It needs forgotten.

He's.. he's really dead then. This time, I know there's no way he can come back. No way he can slip through death's doorstep. I was nothing more than a means to an end for my sire. And now, I have something that I haven't had in years. No more running. No more dodging around corners and praying I survive another day. Except for dealing with hunters that hate my kind, I no longer have to run. Is this what freedom really feels like? If it is, I think I love this feeling.

What do I do now? I've spent so long running.. Would it be strange to want to travel? I think I'd like to see the world. This time on my own terms. There's so much out there to see. Glenumbra, Hew's Bane, all of it.. I want to see it all. But rest has to come first. I still have healing to do. I can't believe I survived it all. I hear Auridon is nice this time of year. Maybe I'll go there and explore. Never been there before.

[ There's a drawing at the bottom, of a deer drinking from a stream. It's definitely not a good drawing. It looks more like a barrel with legs, a stick neck and a smaller barrel for a head with sticks on it for antlers. And squiggles for water for the stream. But it's colored in.. sort of. She used flowers to attempt to color it in. Not the best attempt, but the lass tried. ]

Y'ffre forgive me.. But I seen the deer and I wanted to color in the drawing.. Can it even be called that? Never could draw that well. Once, I would have envied that deer. It has freedom. Now, I don't have to be. A new life.. That's what this means.. I have a new life.. A second chance at life. I think after I've traveled, I'd like to settle down somewhere. Maybe back on the Gold Coast. It's so beautiful out there.

As long as Tigers is with me, I don't care where we go. We've been through so much together since this all began. So many ups and downs. And in the end, we had each other. And we still have each other.

What will tomorrow bring? Maybe I'll go back to town.. See what's all changed since I've been gone.

DreamsJan 15, 2019

Jan 15, 2019 at 05:26 AM #59

14th of Morning Star

[ There's been many things scribbled out near the top of the entry. Including a poorly drawn wolf with a saddle on it. The writing beyond is also different than the usual. Not nearly as gentle.. And if anything, seems to be enraged ranting. ]

Town's empty.. Vulkwasten.. Not a single person there. So we moved out of the forest. Went back to where we killed my sire. Because I forgot Adeo's blankets.. And then ran right into danger. So fucking lucky.. Just fucking great...

Finally ready to leave, and I get attacked! Mara's left tit.. What the hell?! He claimed to know me.. Somehow knew my name. Wouldn't give his.. I don't know rather to be pissed or worried.. Or both.. For fucks sake.. I escape my sire and his idiots.. Kill them all.. And then this idiot shows up. He's dead now.. But it's what he said that is still bugging me... 'you've made enemies now!' .. Enemies.. I'm sure I have them. But most are dead that I know of. Did more of the damn necromancers live?

I can't catch a fucking break.. Freedom really is a fool's fantasy. It don't exist. I refuse to be tied down however. I have spent my entire life running. I'm sick of running. I'm sick and tired of dodging around corners and not knowing if I'm going to live to see another day. This shit ends now. If I have enemies, then so be it. No more hiding.

He mentioned Callio died by his hands.. That also has me reconsidering many things. If anything has been learned from dealing with my sire and his band of merry idiots, is that one can escape death. If Callio truly died by this stranger's hand, then maybe there is yet hope for my brother. Maybe he survived all those years ago as well.

But that also makes me worry. My sire lived. He is now dead.. Callio possibly survived and died by the hands of what I can only assume was a lunatic hell bent on his own demise.. Maybe there's hope as well to my brother's survival.. But what has me concerned is Kirsrin surviving. That bitch. She started all of this... If she still lives, I swear I'll hunt her down myself and rip her throat out. But somehow, I doubt she's alive. I seen her corpse. But.. I also seen my sire's corpse back then. Or what should have been a corpse. For fucks sake.. None of this shit makes sense anymore.

Thought to travel the world, to see new things.. But I think I'll travel it to look for him again. To look for Glooras. Maybe there's yet hope.. Maybe..

Fuck it. Just.. fuck it. Head hurts. I'm done. Fucking done.. We leave for Velyn Harb-

[ Ink has been spilled. It is smeared all over what would have been more writing, from an attempt to clean it. The book now has a broken spine from being thrown out of anger. ]

Edited Jan 15, 2019 at 07:50 AM by 0

DreamsJan 26, 2019

Jan 26, 2019 at 02:45 PM #60

26th of Morning Star

This place.. It's like something out of a painting. Auridon is even more beautiful in person. I wonder where we should go first? Looking at the map, this region is huge. I already know I'm going to get lost without this. The beach so far has become my favorite. It seems to stretch on forever. And the water is so blue here. It's childish, I know, but I want to swim as far out as I can. And play in the sand on the shore. Maybe even collect seashells just like old times.

And the altmer here! I seen a very beautiful woman this morning. Pale skin, long blond hair and very tall. I felt small compared to her. I couldn't help it, I told her she was beautiful. Then quickly left. She must have thought I was a very strange one, but it couldn't be helped. And she wore the prettiest dress I've ever seen. Blue and white silk that went past her feet. I couldn't even see her feet. But the dress was beautiful. And it had golden baubles on it and she wore pearls.

When the time comes to move on, I can't help but to wonder where we'll go next. I want to explore all of Auridon. The cities, the forests, the caves. All of it. There's a big world out there. Even beyond this place. Where to start.. What city should we go to? What town? I wonder if it'd ruin the map too much if I threw darts at it to pick..

DreamsJan 29, 2019

Jan 29, 2019 at 05:20 AM #61

29th of Morning Star

I was wrong. I once said love and happiness were for fools and that it was wishful thinking. That it never lasted. Nor would it. I was wrong.. Mara, you really lead me into something wonderful. Tigers, my heart.. You make me smile. This is precious, and I never want it to end. Always and forever, that is how long my love for him shall last.

Who would have ever thought that things would turn out like this? We saved one another, and I hadn't even realized it. He almost lost himself, and I saved him. And I was nearly hunted and killed, and he was my hero.

Love is wild and precious.. And it's his love I can feel just swirling around me.

The beach is beautiful tonight.. All the stars twinkling over the water. I think I'll stay out here awhile longer. If this is a dream, I pray no one wakes me.

[ There's doodles along the bottom of the entry. Hearts, some poorly drawn flowers, and several actual flowers pressed into the pages. And a poorly drawn flowered tree. As well as a carved out bit of page, where a seashell has been tucked into it. ]

Edited Jan 29, 2019 at 05:23 AM by 0