Wren's Scribbles

Scribbled on a loose sheaf of parchment, smudged with mud



I need to get this stuff out of my head. There’s too much going on, and I don’t know what to do. But I never know what to do.

Dreuth is a werewolf and I want to kill him. He’s my friend and I want to kill him. I should have killed him. He should have died when the damn beast bit him.

I want to cure him, but at the same time I don’t think he deserves one. I trusted him, and he repaid me by killing a mer in my kitchen and attacking me in the forest. If the cure were easier, if we didn’t have to kill someone… twice… then maybe. I need to talk to Terath. Will Terath kill him? I don’t even know if I want that to happen. I should have killed Dre in the forest so Ter won’t have to do it, but I just… couldn’t. I couldn’t kill and bury another friend all alone. At least, if we kill him now, Ter and I will be side by side. Together. Kind of crappy date though. That actually sounded really creepy now I read it back.

Dre’s in the cage Nasir had ordered, I told him it’ll hold him, but I’ll need to find a way to keep him weak once his chest heals. Gods I stabbed him in the chest. Why did I heal him? I wish I’d never given him that damn ring. He’s an idiot. A selfish, arrogant jerk. Kash mentioned herbs to work against werewolves, like Belladonna. Wolfsbane works better I think, but harder to find. Need to find out of Grandpa has any left, maybe he can make something up. At least the healing lessons he’s giving me are working, need to remember to ask him about portals.

And now Boris is back, she was hanging out in the town earlier. She’s here, in town. Spending time with Ter. It… hurts. But she needs help. Gods knows nobody else is gonna do a damn thing to help her. She seems so scared for folk to know who she is, I wonder what happened. Does Ter even know? He mentioned something about the Dominion, I wonder if she knows Sparky Wraith Inspector. He probably knows her. I really need to talk to Terath and make sure he knows… I don’t know, how do I say that? I can’t tell him he can’t hug her, but it hurts when he does. How she looks at him… I know nothing’s changed there. Maybe he doesn’t even know. He probably doesn’t know. I think he’s worse at this than I am. But he didn’t like it when I flirted with Al, so he can’t be that oblivious.

This has helped, I think. I still don’t know what to do, but everything’s out of my head now. I really need to talk to Terath. Maybe he’ll know why the plants near the tavern have all turned blue. What’s up with that?

Dreuth got away. I didn’t know if I should feel angry or relieved or upset but… that’s what happened. Some mer came into town, Tavan, saying that he’d killed a werewolf, the timing means it could have been him, but I don’t think it would have been. I hope it wasn’t, just so he didn’t die alone out in the forest. Maybe it’d be better if he did though. Somehow I don’t think I’ll ever see him again. I doubt he’s stupid enough to come back to town.

I talked to Terath about it. We fought but things are ok now. Last night I told him that I loved him. I didn’t mean to, it just kind of slipped out. But he said it too, so it didn’t feel as weird as I thought it would.

Tonight some mer came running into the tavern, his friends were killed by vampires. So we went out and killed them. The vampires, not his friends. There were five of them, and I took down one and was facing off another one but then Ter went and got himself stabbed in the chest so I had to defend him. Maybe he does need those combat lessons after all. I killed the one who got him though, so that was good. Nobody else was really injured, but the guy who came and got us was scratched and that Tavan mer was about to kill him. I think he would have if I hadn’t stepped in. I lost my temper, everyone was freaking out about him turning. I can’t believe they don’t all know it can be cured easily in the first three days. What was the point of doin’ that lecture if they didn’t listen to a damn thing I said? Terath let Tavan take him to lock him up for three days and observe him. I think Ter should have done it himself, but what’s done is done. I just don’t trust that Tavan, he seems too eager to stab people for little, curable scratches. He says his entire group were killed by that werewolf, or that he killed the survivors who were injured and buried their bodies. Did he kill people that could have been cured? Can you cure a werewolf bite like a vampire bite? I’ll have to ask someone about that. Tavan did heal Terath though so… he can’t be all bad. But then, Elros healed me too once.

Here is a list of things I know about Elros:
- Old. (How old? Ask Theo?)*
- Blind. (Is he really? Says he senses people through magicka, is that legit? Can anyone do that?) *
- Shadowstepped out of that vampire cave – can use shadow magic? *** Need to ask a mage about this. Not good if true.
- Freakishly strong and accurate for a blind old mer.*
- Hated Tory, said he deserved worse than death
- Threatened to kill Theo and then tried to befriend him? To just keep a closer eye on him?
- Calls everyone a child. Thinks he’s superior.
- Is friends with Chasi, who’s dating Luc.*
- Has awesome tattoos.
- Looks younger than Octomato though. Need to compare ages.*
- Good healer, if a little reluctant.
- Drinks expensive wine… never seen him work though? Mages guild?
- Has a male and female lover? Doubt that’s relevant.
- Is good in a fight… but he’s blind. How?
- Where does he live? In town? Search house for clues? Can I do that legally if I join the guard?
Is Elros a vampire? How can I test that without him knowing?
Need to talk to Theo, and some mages. Not Chasi, she’s his friend. Maybe that Maz kid, he seems to know everything.
Ali said that Altmer can live a real long time if they have a lot of magicka, but Elros was talking centuries in the tavern.


Found an old book on magic in the library, it’s in tatters but I can read some of the stuff on shadow magic… It’s not good. It’s really rare, and really powerful, and really dangerous. It says it can change the past and future and surpasses the elder scrolls in power. How can that be true?
“Shadow magic involves the manipulation of shadows to affect the forces creating it. Shadow magics by their nature will twist on their casters, and shadowmages are often distrusted because of this.
Shadows are not a mere absence of light, but instead a reflection of possible worlds created by forces in conflict.
Death in a shadow realm is the only way to break the connection.”
Some of this stuff sounds like what I can do when I’m sneaking up on people, and jumping out at them. I didn’t even know I was using magicka to do that until grandpa told me. That’s just what they taught me in the guild, I wish I could remember the tutors name, I doubt he’s still alive. But I don’t wanna go back there anyway. I don’t wanna do the stuff that this book lists though, too much can go wrong. Would be nice to teleport like Elros did though, through the shadows back to the tavern. I’ve only ever done it a few feet. Maybe I should learn more before I go experimenting.
I’m gonna try and find more books on this.

Octomato is 690. Gods I didn’t think anyone lived that long, no wonder he drinks so much.

Shadow magic:
Maz: Rare & Dangerous & only real skilled mer would even know where to start with it. It bends shadows cast by objects to warp reality. Shadow magic is forcing something to change, alteration is recommending a change to something.
Elandra: It’d drive the mer insane. That it’s a sacrifice-based magic that can take the soul and mind of the caster. You give up something to get the power & it corrupts the mind.
Got interrupted damn.

Elros told Theo that he’s 70 years old. I find that hard to believe. He’s barely more than a child himself compared to Octomato, what makes him so damn arrogant then? If Ayrenn is a child-queen then what’s Elros? A teenager? Has he gone through Altmer puberty then? Either he’s a bigger ass than I thought or he lied. I’ve got an idea about finding out, but I’ll need to test it first.
Theo knew some other stuff, said that he has a male lover called Lith, who’s an ex-vampire (and apparently very attractive). Also something about Elros not wanting to get married?
He also has a female mage lover, she’s the one who was all stuck up and summoned fire elementals in the town. Seems about perfect for Elros. I can’t see any of that being useful though.

Boris is still sick, and the plants in the town are getting worse, the houses near the heart tree have started wilting now. I talked to the mage who did it and she said she found the spell written on a piece of paper. The arrogance of mages like drives me mad, how many people have to get hurt because they wanted to experiment and ‘push the limits’ as she said, how many people have to die? There really should be stricter limitations on this shite. She seems idiotic and naiive, I hope the heart tree doesn’t die, besides, her punishment is gonna be bad enough as it is. Making a tree sick in Valenwood? They’ll send her to the ooze for sure. Normally I’d argue against that, but in this case I kinda have to agree.
Anyway, she said the spell worked by using a modified weakness spell to change the plant structure and then alteration magic to change it, using a gem as a focus. She was trying to make a rose blue. Of all the stupid little tricks to cause so much trouble. I told Elandra about this, and I told her about it making Boris sick, but I don’t think she really listened. Mages, guh.

I talked to Thorn [the rest of the sentence is scribbled out]
I know the point of doing this is to write everything down, but there’s still stuff I can’t put onto paper. Isn’t that weird? It’s just a piece of paper, but who knows who’ll end up reading it and how that could affect lives. Ter, if it’s you reading this, I don’t give a shite but you could have just asked.



Today was hard, we had a magpies job, escorting some furs to the gold coast. We got caught in a pretty bad storm and took shelter in a barn. We ended up getting picked off by hungers. I’m glad I had my silver daggers on me. Everyone freaked out at first, when we didn’t know what was happening, but then Ulu got dragged off and I guess the panic turned to that icy fear that makes you almost calm. I started giving instructions to everyone and by some dumb luck they listened, except for Falen. Someone’s gotta sit that kid down and talk to him about letting cooler heads prevail in these situations. He ran out into the storm twice and I had to go save his ass, even when he knew his stupid lightning didn’t do anything to the creatures, he still ran out. He’s just so damn desperate to prove himself that he doesn’t get how dangerous it is for people to have to look after him. I need to talk to Wraesha, and Terath, the kid doesn’t belong out in the field if he can’t work as a team.
Ali got pretty badly cut up by one of em, I might harp on mages but damn I’m glad I’ve been learning restoration magic. He wasn’t breathing when I got to him, but he came around, and we managed to keep him safe. Gods know how. Theo and Al went to look for Wraesha after we heard them scream, and later we heard Theo yelling and that was the second time Falen charged out at them, so I had to go after him. I didn’t like leaving Gloo alone to look after Ali and Kazz, but his fire arrows weren’t any good in the storm, and I had the silver dagger. By the time we got in there, Theo had dealt with it all I guess. I’m still not sure what it all was, some idiot mage making a deal with Boethia to save a baby. Idiot. Damn idiot. I can’t think about that or it’ll make me too mad. When they came out, Wrae had huge holes in her arms, like she’d been nailed to a pole, and Al said he was nailed to a door. I managed to heal them both up before my magicka ran out, thank the gods. I hope they don’t get infected, but it was enough to keep them alive for another day at least. Theo was carrying Ulu’s body, I think it really hit him hard. I used one of my portal scrolls to get Ali back to town, he’s in the clinic being looked after by folk who know what they’re doing. Theo helped me burn Ulu’s body, and then I buried him just outside of town, I found a pretty spot. I’m glad nobody can bring him back as a zombie, Ulu deserved better than what happened to him.

I’m running out of those portal scrolls. I hope Nasir is ok, I haven’t seen him in so long.
It was a hard day. I know I’m not going to sleep tonight. I’m kind of afraid to fall asleep. My cavern feels so large on days like this, so full of shadows, and it’s so quiet without Boris and Dreuth in here. I hope Terath comes home soon.

I didn’t write in my journal yesterday and I’ve already forgotten what happened. Let me think, I saw Wraesha, she looked awful. Falen was freaking out, he tried to jump off the balcony of the tavern, luckily Terath caught him before he did and Kash talked him out of it. I found out what was in qwarsh and threw up. Terath took me to an island he found, we went swimming and talked till we fell asleep on the beach, then he woke me up to watch the sunrise. It was nice.

Tonight I saw Gloo, he’s not doing to well either. I hope they can all cope with what happened. But at least they’re all alive. The mages reckon they’ve cured the heart tree, it’d be nice if they have. I climbed it and put paste on the leaves to help out, so did Kash. The blue went away but the tree still looks like it’s dying, so it’s hard to tell if they actually achieved anything.
The weird thing was Tavan came up and started talking like I was his sister Nael. It was… strange. I thought he was crazy at first, said he recognised my voice and the earrings I have, and I got mad. Called him crazy and gave him the stupid earrings. I regret that. Giving away the earrings that is. I was gonna drink a lot and pass out, but Terath followed me. I don’t know what it is about that mer that calms me down, he just always manages to say the right thing. We talked and I figured I may as well hear Tavan out, but he wasn’t in the guild hall when we went there, so we fell asleep in front of the fire.
Tavan came later, he tried to just leave but I was awake. I had more nightmares, bad ones, and I didn’t want to go back to sleep, so I followed him outside. We talked and… I think he’s right. It would be too many consequences otherwise, but I don’t know if I can accept that. A brother? That’s… hard. I tried to explain, I spent so long convincing myself they were all dead and now… what if I accept it and it doesn’t turn out to be true? I’d just be losing that all over again. It’s all weird. If it’s right though, my parents really are dead, so I guess it doesn’t change that much. I didn’t think to ask if he had any other siblings.
I left so Tavan could sleep in the guild hall, I didn’t wanna cuddle Terath while he was there. That’d be weird. But I can’t sleep. I feel a bit weird, but it’s probably cause I’m so tired. Maybe I should go see if Theo is up, or go check on Boris.

I’m so tired. Why can’t I sleep? Why can’t I have one damned nights sleep that isn’t plagued with those damn nightmares. Nearly every night since Nira died, I see her in my sleep. I have to kill her over and over and she just screams at me. Or it’s Theo that I’m killing. Or Xithic, or Dreuth. Or they’re killing Terath, or Terath is killing them, or I’m killing Terath to save them. Or there’s a zombie lurching out at me and I can’t move, or those hungers are crawling on that mill and everyone I care about is inside. I just want to sleep. I dreamt of him tonight. Stabbing me over and over. It’s the fault of those stupid mages, my magicka is completely gone, I can’t sneak like I normally can, I can’t vanish into shadows, I feel… empty, and cold and shivery and achey and my head is all muddled.
My tattoos are gone, I feel so vulnerable. So naked. I haven’t had this face since I was sixteen. Terath and the others just don’t get it. They don’t understand that I just can’t be that person any more. It’s not me. That person is dead. That person needs to stay dead. I can’t do this. If my tattoos don’t come back I’ll have to leave, I’ll need to find a new face again.

I don’t want to leave.

I keep forgetting to write things down. Now I have to remember what happened. I feel so shite, my head is all muddled.

Tavan yelled at me. He kissed Al, and Al thought he was me, and said my name. So Tavan came and yelled at me, he called me a whore and a cunt and convinced me that my flirting was making everyone hate me. It hurt. I got drunk and tried to break up with Terath. Luckily new something was wrong and he followed me when I tried to run. I tripped on a root and threw up. I don’t remember most of it, it was all blurry, but I think he sat near me until I woke up. I didn’t want to break up with him, I don’t want to. I’m so glad he followed. We talked a lot about a heap of things, he says he doesn’t mind the flirting, that he trusts me, I believe him, but I don’t want to hurt him so I’m gonna try and be more aware. It never used to cause these kinds of problems. Though I guess I always left before it did.

I talked to Lei this morning, I’m glad we brought her back. I think we can be friends. I hope we can. I explained a lot of things to her, and we both apologised for stuff, it was good. Plus I got cuddles from Sun, which was the best.
I need to remember that Terath, Lei, Al and Thorn know about Kanara now.
Someone died in town today. A mer. Bitten by a vampire. Bitten by Fortuado. I forgot, but I want to talk to Ter about putting a test on new members who join the guild. Something secret, touch some silver to them to see if they squirm.
Pretty much everyone in town is sick. Thorn and Chasi are the only two I know who aren’t. Everyone’s under quarantine now, and Chasi seems to think if we can fix a problem with the tree, everyone could get cured – if we don’t, we’re all gonna die. She’s so cheerful, but at least she’s helping. I still don’t trust her, but I like her better than Elandra at the moment. Stupid cow.

I spoke to Al. He didn’t say a word. I managed to apologise, to say I never meant to hurt him and that I wouldn’t flirt any more and then he just left. He must hate my guts. I got so mad at myself I punched a rock. I’m such a damn idiot.

I got up to get a drink, but Ter’s still in bed and it’s cold out here, so I’m going back to sleep. We’re all gonna need the extra rest until we get better and I can’t say it’s not nice just to cuddle in to him and remind myself how lucky I am he puts up with all my shite.

I’m really shite at this, but I feel like I haven’t had a moment just to sit down and write since we got cured. When did I last write in here?

Well we’re not dead. We cured the illness by killing the mage who caused it all, Elandra did it and I have to respect her for not being afraid to do what’s necessary. Lei and Kashya seemed to take it pretty hard, but the person responsible was the one to die, and that’s what matters.

Terath bought me a book on Valenwood history, it’s so old that I need to use special tools to read it. I don’t think anyone’s ever bought me such a thoughtful gift. He got it because it mentions Falinesti, according to it, it definitely existed, and it was the seat of the Camoran throne. Ter’s so cute when he talks about us finding it, like he really thinks two nothings like us could possibly rescue a walking tree city. He keeps asking what the next step is to finding it, I told him unless he can get us in to see the King, we’re probably out of luck. Actually, now I’m worried he’s gonna try and find a way to do that.

We hunted down some werewolves with the Fighters’ Guild, seems some pack leader is trying to infect as many people as they can. Idiots. We took down six of them, with no serious injuries, but I think Kashya shot herself in the leg, I have no idea how she managed that. I felt fucking useless though, I need to practise with my bow more, all my arrows missed and by the time I switched to my dagger, the marks were down. Maybe I can get a target for the cavern. And some fighting dummies. Actually that’d be good considering Terath and Lei were stupid enough to spar with live steel and not wear their armour, he had a pretty decent gouge in his side from her blade. Idiots. I healed it though.

Someone came into town asking about Lei, he wouldn’t back down so we took him to the cavern and Terath killed him. He beat me to it. I let the senche and wolves eat him, I only had to ditch his armour. He had a shitload of gold on him, I’ve been meaning to give some to Lei. He also had wanted posters with her face on them, and a list of people she’s supposed to have murdered. I burned them. Nobody else needed to see that.

What else? We got drunk in the tavern the other night. Lulie was exhausted. I wonder what’s wrong with her. Anyway, she let Theo and I tend the bar… while drunk. It was a lot of fun, mostly because it was with Theo and Ter was there staring at me, but also because we were drunk. I doubt it’s ever gonna happen again. I really needed that time to just unwind. Of course it didn’t last long, we walked into the tavern and Al and Tarethis were there, flirting. I got irritated at him, Al that is. Just everything with that trio has me… on edge. Doesn’t help that Lei can’t make up her mind, first she likes him then she dumps him then she’s back with him again? I don’t get it. Meanwhile he has a habit of treating everyone else like shit depending on what mood he’s in. He kissed Tavan cause he was sick and thought he was me, so he ignores me and glares at me like he hates my guts – it was only when I confronted him about it that he even seemed to tolerate my presence, and even then he didn’t speak to me. Then he yells at Terath when we came to check on Lei after the mage was killed. They were talking in the middle of the town for gods sake, it’s not like we barged in on them in private. So he didn’t want to talk to me OR Terath, and in the meantime things are confusing as fuck between him and Lei and then he goes and hurts Tarethis of all fucking people. I didn’t even think he had feelings. It’s clear Al was just using him when he couldn’t get Lei, now, not only messing with him mentally but he had injuries from Al. Before I assumed they were deserved, now? I’m not sure.

It’s crazy, I actually trust Tarethis now a heck of a lot more than I trust Al. We spoke briefly about it all, I was surprised he’d talk to me, but it’s clear there’s a lot more there than I assumed. And he’s not as grating to be around once you get used to it. I dragged him off to Morrowind to get information about Xithic’s parents, and I acted as his slave. Why else would a Bosmer be out there? In the end it worked nicely, I’ll be able to heal the scar from the brand away and even though he had plenty of opportunities to screw me over, hurt me or just humiliate me, but he didn’t. He could have traded me away from the information but he used that stupid overclocked sex drive of his to get us out of there by torturing the poor mer who caught us. Poor mer? Gods Wren she’s a slaver, what’s wrong with you? The most important part, we got a lead for Xithic. And Ter didn’t kill me for sneaking off in the middle of the night.

I’m still trying to catch up on all my work since the quarantine, there’s still a handful of people I haven’t checked up on yet, but I won’t be able to today. We had a Magpies job, easy trip out to Elden Root with some lumber. I couldn’t help but be on edge though, just because of last time. It was comforting that Terath was there this time though. While we were unloading I slipped away to see if the old mer who did my illusion tattoos was still alive, he’s not. That fact bothered me a lot more than I thought it would. I’d only gone there to see if it was possible for him to do it for Lei if she wanted, but I realised I never really thanked him properly for what he’d done.

We camped out in Grahtwood, Ter knew something was wrong so he took me up the hill where we could talk in private but still keep watch. June and Shen thought it’d be funny to sneak up on us, she jumped out and said ‘boo’. Assholes. How fucking inconsiderate do you have to be? Evesdropping on a private conversation when someone’s clearly in a bad mood, and only two weeks after someone died on the job. Wraesha needs to choose her staff more carefully, though I guess it might not be a problem for me much longer. Wrae took me aside and we talked. I was afraid this was going to happen, she’s getting closer and closer to how Karadel operated. I’m not going to let her do what she’s planning. I can’t. I’ll tell all the Magpies if I have to. They deserve to know who they’re working for, and what she’s willing to do to them for gold. You don’t sell your friends, their bodies or their damn souls just because someone says you’re not meeting numbers. I have to say, I lost a lot of respect for her for that.

I told Ter. I had to. And I lied when Wraesha asked me if I had. He came with me to Auridon. I wanted to steal another gem, to trade Wrae for it. I went to the first place I thought of that might have one. It was stupid of me, I mean I only knew about it because it was the place that folk in the guild never came back from. All I knew was that it was the home of a very old, powerful, vampire. I spent about 40 minutes poking around there before I realised he’d been watching me the whole time, and I knew I was dead. But he just lit a candle and talked to me, his voice was so soft. He said he'd lived for over two thousand years, and he just wanted to die. He’d been looking for a gem to cure his vampirism, but he couldn’t find one anywhere, so he asked me to kill him. Of course I did, I stabbed him in the chest with my silver dagger, but his instincts kicked in as soon as I did and he attacked. If I hadn’t got that first blow in, there’s no way I would have survived. He bit my neck and I got some pretty decent claw slashes across my arms and legs, and one decent gouge on my chest. Plenty of bruises from getting thrown around too, but he died. I burned his body with firesalts, took anything of value I could find and gathered the ashes in a little vial. Nasir said the vampirism cure required the ashes of a powerful vampire, now we have some. I wonder if Theo would use it for Tory?

Before I stabbed him I asked, I had to. He said not only was Falinesti real, he’d been there. I guess there’s a sort of hope there that even if Ter and I never live to see the tree return, someone, somewhere might.

What I did learn was that I’m not gonna find a soul gem before Wrae makes that deal. I can’t let her do this. He was one of us. There needs to be limits. I’ll steal it from her if I have to, or I’ll tell the rest of the Magpies what she’s doing. Theo needs to know. He was one of us. And he died for us.

Poor Ulu, he deserved so much better than this.

Notes on soul gems:
Souls are aware that they’re trapped.
They’re sent to the Soul Cairn for all eternity.
Not known if when trapped or when gem is used.
The Soul Cairn is a realm of Oblivion, “where they will slowly lose all memory, sense of identity and purpose. Where they will eternally be forced to serve the Ideal Masters and perhaps even inhabit the husk of their undead creations.”
Black gems are dangerous to handle, part of the users soul can leak into the gem if they’re empty or not full. “If the gem is not precisely the size of the encased soul, small bits of the caster's soul may leak into the gem when it is touched.”
-Does Wraesha know this? She’s had it for two weeks.

I told Theo, Al, and Boris about Wraesha’s plan. None of them were very happy about it, but all three of them want to help me work something out, to help Ulu… and Wraesha if we can. They’re on board with my decoy plan, but Boris, Al, and I went to Lei’s dads place to get a soul gem, but they were gone. She was pretty upset about that, but I really appreciate her wanting to help. I don’t know if Al’s properly explained what happened, and why it matter so much, but she gets that it’s a big deal. I think she’s back together with Al? She said that he talked to Tarethis and sorted some stuff out or something. I’m glad it’s all working, she seems happy.

I also gave Theo the ashes from the vampire. He was… well he was Theo, excited and squeaky. I tried to calm him down, to remind him that they might not work, that the cure might be wrong, that we might not even get it to him, or that even if he does get cured the Dominion might not let him go. He told me I was right, but I’m still worried that if this doesn’t work he’ll go back to how he was a month ago. Xithic’s worried about it too. I guess all we can do is be there for him either way.

I need to heal my cuts and bruises before I try to steal the gem, but I also want to work on the branding scar. Terath wants to go to Vvardenfell soon, and I’m not really keen on going while I still have the brand there. I’m not very good at getting rid of scars, so it’ll take some time. I think I need to heal the rest of me first though, just so I can walk without limping.

I went and talked to Gloo. I was so mad when I went up there, but he really seemed to have no idea how soul gems worked. As soon as I explained, he agreed with me that we needed to help Ulu, it was a big relief. He thought there might be a soul gem at an old family house that burned down, so I told him to rest and we’d go look later.

Ter called out for fighters’ guild members to help. He’d found some more bodies of supernaturals and skooma dealers on pikes. We all split up to investigate. I took Theo, Aurelius and a new khajiit called Degala (I think?) to the were-hoarvor pit, to see if there was anything we overlooked there when we fought the vampires. Luckily there was no sign of any new activity, except for the hoarvors. And we found a note in one of the tents, I also grabbed the dagger that the vampire stabbed Ter with, though I forgot to look into it. We kept going a bit West and found a Breton body on a spike, it looked like a zombie, so we just burned it.

The notes were all confusing, but the increased activity seems to be organised by someone with the initial ‘F’ – We tested Fedris, but he was fine, so we just tested everyone there to be safe.

We tested:
Al
Boris
Aurelius
Theo
Storm
Fedris
Degala
Lucrezia
Cirlin
Terath
Myself

So either they’re damn good at hiding their condition, or they’re all normal mortals.
Gloo took Ter and I to that old burned out house but we didn’t find anything except ash. He had a real messed up family, poor kid. Kid? How old is Gloo? I just feel like he’s probably younger than me. But, I decided I didn’t want to wait to come up with an alternative plan, every day we waited longer was a day she could sell Ulu’s gem. So, Gloo went into town to distract her, Ter waited outside the Magpie warehouse and I went in. She did a damn good job of protecting her lockbox, more than I have that’s for sure. The lock was so tricky that I snapped my lockpick and jammed it, which made me mad so I kicked at the counter. I think I broke my toe. Anyway, I just used some fire salts to burn away where the chest was bolted to the cabinet, I was careful not to let it get out of control, but I burned my fingers doing it. Maybe I do need to learn how to control fire. I heard Wraesha coming back just as I pulled the chest free, and I buggered off out the window. I hope I left everything else how it was, but I guess it doesn’t really matter seeing as her lockbox is gone. So much for that stupid replica I stole from that acting troupe. I should probably go put it back now I don’t need it any more.

Ter kept Wrae distracted till I could give him the all-clear then he left. Amazingly I don’t think she suspected he was up to anything, but she’ll know he had something to do with it once she finds the box gone. The gem better be in there. I’ll have to go confront her if it’s not.

Actually, Gloo said that Wraesha thinks I’m going to kill her over this. It hurts she thinks I’d do that. I said I was going to stop her, but I didn’t mean it like THAT. I meant steal the gem, or go to the guard or something. I think I’ll need to go talk to her anyway. Maybe I can give her some of those trinkets I found in the vampires place? I gave her a sack of gold today. That and all the money I’ve given Lei, things are getting tight, though I haven’t mentioned that to anyone. I need to work harder. I’m so tired, but I need to sleep. I want to get the gem to Octato and the mages’ guild as fast as I can, so I guess I’m gonna be sawing my way into this chest all night. Maybe I can dismantle the hinges to get in.

I didn’t really sleep, was up too late working on the lockbox and then I had to work all day. I fell asleep in front of the tavern, hugging void. I must have been tired cause Ter sat down right next to me and I didn’t wake up, I’m sleeping so deeply now. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not.

Octomato destroyed the gem, he did his hand-wiggly magic and it exploded. There’s no way to know if it worked, though, but I’m going to think it did. If there’s any kind of justice or karma or even a god who cares, then he did move on to aetherius. I couldn’t find Wraesha, but some mer came into town saying their grandfather’s body had been stolen before they could eat it. Guh. We split up to search and found it down by the beach, whoever nicked it did a pretty shite job at hiding it when they were done, I overheard something about cuts in it, but I’m not a guard and they were actually there to do their job this time so I let them handle it. Which reminds me, Theo’s a guard! Gods, it was so weird to see him in that uniform. I forget how short he is, but he looks even shorter in that armour.

I did find Wraesha, in the end. We talked and… it didn’t go well. Things started tense but then she said soul gems were as alive as her earrings and I lost my temper. We called each other names, threatened each other and basically it ended with me making it clear I wanted nothing to do with her business deals any more. She’s becoming more and more like Karadel and she’s happy to take down whoever’s still clinging to her when she meets her fate. I’m not exactly the best role model, but at least I have standards.

I vented to Ter, and he calmed me down. He always calms me down. We decided to head out to Vvardenfell to spend time together, but I needed to ask Lei to look after the sencha for me. We found her in the tavern with Al and her father of all people. He seems like a typical arrogant, proud Altmer. Weird that her dad’s an Altmer, I didn’t know that. He was an ass though. Wanted to drag her off, so I gave her my Kanara ring and a portal scroll back to Vulk. She said he wouldn’t hurt her, and I believe her. I don’t know what it is about her but it’s so easy to forget she’s an adult who can handle her own problems, if she needs my help she’ll come ask for it. She is gonna feed the senche for me though, her and Al. She’s really clung to him a lot quicker than I expected, especially considering she said she wasn’t interested in that sort of thing for a while. He’s been redrafted into the stupid war though, so we’ll have to keep an eye on her while he’s gone, especially cause he said she’s still struggling with the skooma.

Talking to Ter at home he mentioned how Lei was making him upset, with how she treats him. I hadn’t noticed it, but it was there once he mentioned it. When she called in to the cavern, I warned her to stay away from Wrae and left them to talk. They took longer than I thought, but it didn’t make things worse, which is good.

We slept a lot more last night than we meant to, I guess we needed it. Or, I needed it and Ter didn’t want to wake me up. That’s more likely. But once we were ready we went off to Kragenmoor with Xithic. We didn’t find his parents, his mother had been sold to a wealthy Dres, and his father had been sent to something called The Butcher in Mournhould. He was pretty upset, I don’t know if I’m grateful I never knew my parents, it means I never had to lose them. Not that I can remember anyway. We tried to rescue the slave who gave us the information, but a guard threw a dagger through the portal and it killed her. Xi wanted her buried in Elsweyr, so they put her next to Nira. It was hard being back there again. I hadn’t realised I hadn’t been there since I fought with Shab that day. Months.

Ter and I left and got a mage in Rawl to make a portal to Vivec City for us. We had a picnic next to a river and then found the home he grew up in. It was deserted, except someone had been camping there recently. I found the letter I sent Nasir about Luc. I hope he’d been staying there and it doesn’t mean something happened to him. We're staying in the house tonight, but nobody's come yet. Ter mentioned staying here a few nights and I really want to. I don’t want to go back to Vulk yet. There’s too much shit going on there, too much drama I keep getting roped in to. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it, but then I think of Ter and Theo and the others and I figure it must be, cause I keep staying.

We had a great day relaxing in Vvardenfell, drinking and lazing about in the hot springs. I needed that so much, especially because when we got back the first thing I found out was that Tory had died and Theo had seen it all. I got him away from the town to get him to talk about it, but he asked me to kill him and gods I almost did it. If he kept asking me, looking like he did, I might have. Normally I’d never do that while someone was grieving but Theo… well, it’s not like he’s going to be able to die of old age. One day he’ll have to decide he’s going to die. I’m glad I managed to change his mind though. He was bawling today though, Kashya’s brother does look unnervingly like Tory. He seems to be straight, though, or at least Lucrezia seems to hope so.

The town was attacked by the mysterious ‘F’ from the Fighters’ Guild. He brought in mages and vampires and daedra. I got a Daedroth tail swipe to the gut, and I think there were a few other minor injuries but all-in-all we got off light. We locked the guy in a cell, and talking to him after it’s clear he’s mad. Stupid Dagon worshipper. He seemed to think the town was gonna get attacked again, so we’ll have to work on some defences and stuff.
We had to split into two groups to defend the town, Terath lead the other group. After I told him how much I appreciated the fact that he didn’t try to argue that. Didn’t make some stupid argument about how he loved me too much to leave me. He made it clear that he doesn’t like doing it, but I appreciate it still. I did have to point out that I doubt either of us are gonna die peacefully in our sleep with the lives we lead. I was glad he didn’t argue with that. I know he said one day he might like to go back to farming, but I don’t think I could live that life. He could though.

We found Nasir. He’s been cured. We found him dying, bleeding out in the house Terath grew up in, and I have no fucking idea how he ended up there, injured, and cured. I healed him as best I could, but he’d lost a lot of blood, we had to portal him to Vulk. Ter carried him up to the clinic and thank fuck Ali was there to help out. I would have been happy to leave him in the clinic, and stay up there, but three idiots, including Elros, started shouting and hitting helmets with spoons, so we took Nasir home to the cavern before I stabbed someone. In hindsight that’s probably for the best, we don’t know who did this to him, or if they’ll come looking for him again. There’s not much I can do for him now, except work on his wounds, pour water and regeneration potions down his throat and wait for him to wake up. Theo and Luc are both really worried about him, I forgot how much people like him, even though they’ve only really known him for a short time here. Not Luc, obviously. Ruvy and Bugs are looking after him all the time now, and with Traps pregnant still and Fits looking after her, I feel kind of alone when I leave the house. Maybe I should borrow Moon from Ter while he’s got Void with him. Probably easier just to steal Void, I don’t know if Moon will listen to me.

Ter and I went vampire hunting today. He found some leads from the attack on the town, but nobody was interested in helping. Or they are, but are too busy doing their normal day-to-day stuff to bother. Either way, there are five vampires who won’t be summoning Daedra with the next attack on town. They said something about using the heart tree to do it, but we didn’t get any other information. We grabbed a heap of papers before we burned the place down, so I guess I’ll have to wait and see what Ter finds out of that. There’s a werewolf lead to follow up too, but Ter and I are gonna need a break for a few days at least. He got a nasty swipe to the face, and I got some claw gouges in my back. I used all my magicka getting out of a paralysis spell, so I couldn’t heal us. Ter had to cauterise his face and my back. I got a bit of a scratch on my face, and some more on my shoulder but they’re not too bad. I got a healing potion from Octato back in town and healed Ter’s face mostly, just a scar left. I’ll work on that when I can, but that’ll have to wait. I need to make sure Nasir stays stable, then I’ll need to heal my back. It’s pretty damn painful, but I’m not gonna tell Ter that, and I can’t let it slow me down. I just need to make sure it doesn’t get infected.

I didn’t sleep much last night, I sat up to watch Nasir. I guess I’ll be doing that again tonight, I need to repair my armour. Stitching it will have to do for now, till I can take it to Baandari to get proper repairs. I need to buy more magicka potions while I’m there. And silver powder if I can find it, I used almost all of what I had today. Though maybe it’s not worth it, it didn’t have much effect on the stronger vampires. I’d have to borrow Ter’s horse to get there though, I guess it’ll have to wait. Maybe Theo would let me borrow Mundus.

Fenas was busted out of gaol tonight, I’m so mad over it. Terath wanted to execute him as soon as we caught him, but Thorn was never around to sort it out at a good time and now he’s fucking escaped. He brought a horde of vampires and daedra with him. The good thing was almost the entire town jumped to action and helped us chase them down. I took out a vampire on my own, but that might have just been because it fell over. Ter had his back slashed and his knee too, stupid mer has to learn to use his shield better, otherwise why bother with it? Two new people around town got hurt, but I think everyone’s worried about Kashya. Somehow she got her sword stuck in her own arm, and when she tried to yank it out she cut her neck. She’s damn lucky Ali and a bunch of other healers were around, if it was just me again she would have died. But she was the worst injured, I think. I healed up an Altmer, Chays I think? I forget. I drained my magicka again and I’m so tired. Ter fell asleep so easily but I keep having nightmares about vampires since the other night.

Gods I’m such an idiot, I wandered right down to the river drenched in Octato’s blood (from healing him), took off my swords and just jumped into the water. I wasn’t paying attention, they just snatched me right up and started laughing about dinner getting delivered. I managed to kill two of them with my daggers, then they stopped laughing, but I couldn’t do much against four more. Not unprepared like that. They were feeding on me, two of them, when Ter came in. He said Void had wanted to find me. I didn’t see him take out the two near the door, but when he saw them drop me like a sack of potatoes, he kind of snapped. He just… burned them up. I wasn’t really hurt that badly, but they’d drained me a bit. He didn’t yell at me, he should have, I’m such an idiot. I’ve never felt that useless. So vulnerable and alone and… I really thought I was gonna die there, and nobody would ever know. Thank fuck I bought Ter that puppy.


I was just so distracted by thinking about Wreasha and Theo and what Tavan had told me… he’s my twin. I can’t really wrap my head around that. I have an older sister, and older brother who’s married with children and I have a twin brother, (who is an asshole). Well, he helped heal Octato so maybe he’s not so bad. I need to try to sleep. I might go check on Nasir then lie back down. He hasn’t woken up yet, not properly, hopefully soon. I want to make sure nobody’s coming after him.

The last two days have been kind of uneventful, at least nobody got attacked and injured. I yelled at Xithic tonight, he’s working for Wraesha, willingly. He says he needs the coin, and he doesn’t care that she’s a skooma dealer and sells souls. I tried to tell him that working for a skooma dealer makes him one too, but he didn’t get it. He talked to Theo, and Theo tried to tell me that if he wants to take the risk that’s his decision, but Xithic failed to mention that he’d been recruiting for Wrae at the fair. Thankfully Theo agreed that wasn’t okay, I hope he can talk some sense into the cat, I don’t want to have to arrest Xithic, and I know Theo doesn’t want to either.

It was weird not fighting anything today, there’s been so much of it lately. Not that I’m complaining. Ter and I got so bored we started working behind the bar, luckily Luc or Lulie didn’t come in and bust us, and we stopped before it got boring. I need to remember to tell Lulie that someone came in asking for a job, but I never saw her today. Fuck, I think I’ve forgotten her name. Did it start with an ‘R’? Oops. I wonder if a physical description would do?

Daedra attacked the town. Wraesha shot me with her crossbow. Thorn got trapped in Oblivion, without a weapon, surrounded by Daedra. Today sucked.

I thought yesterday was bad. Today was even worse.

Slipped into the journal is a loose piece of paper:

Let everyone in Vulkwasten know that the Khajiit Wraesha is guilty of the following:

- Tried to sell a soul gem containing the soul of Ulundil,
a civilian who she had hired for the Magpies.
- Used Vulkwasten as a base for her smuggling company.
- Sold skooma to at least one townsperson.
- Shot me during an attack on the town, which I allowed myself to believe an accident.
- Paid somebody to give skooma-laced wine to me.
- Took advantage of the Fighters' Guild members clearing a path
for supplies and smuggled skooma to Anvil during a town crisis.
- Involved Keys, a child, in her criminal activities and trained her in them.
- Shot her crossbow at me, attempting to kill me, and hit Keys.
- Shot at me again with the intention to kill, hitting me only a few
centimeters from my heart.

These are the crimes that have been reported to the guard, and I have provided proof of.
However, even with witnesses they believe in rehabilitation, and will not press charges.
So I am making the townspeople aware of who is living amongst them. Wraesha is only spared the title of murderer by her poor aim, she does not deserve your pity or friendship.

- Wren.

The paper has been crumpled, then smoothed out and shoved into the journal.



It's weird how waiting for a fight focuses your brain, I'm all tense and anxious. Ter said if they don't come to us, we'll go to them, so I should be able to stab something today to feel better. But I need to get this crap out of my head, otherwise I'm gonna end up yelling it at everyone.

It just hurts that still, after everything, they're still giving her the benefit of the doubt. They're still prepared to be friends with her, and give her chances, and believe she's not *that* bad, like she didn't try to kill me, or get me addicted to skooma again. I get why Kash wants to help her, and why Theo is being all sympathetic, but they're idiots if they think Wraesha isn't going to try to get revenge on me one day. She thinks *I* ruined her life, not her, not her actions or her decisions, but me for telling the truth. That's all I've done when it's come to Wraesha, is tell the fucking truth, and still they don't necessarily believe me. Even though I worked with the guard, and played by the rules, and risked my life to get those charges, Kash still won't push them. Like what I did doesn't matter. It was all a waste of fucking time, I don't know why I even bothered. In not convicting Wrae, Kash is prioritising Wrae's future over my own. I need to smile and pretend it didn't happen, so that Wraesha, the person who tried to kill me, can possibly be a normal fucking person one day. Yeah sure, try and rehabilitate her, but they don't get that Wraesha's turned herself into Karadel, even though she swore she wouldn't go that road. I know the type of people she works for, that she's in debt to, no amount of time in prison is gonna save her from dealing with that. She's just gonna get nastier, and smarter, and more ruthless, and next time I might not see it coming. Next time, she'll give the skooma-laced-wine to someone without a conscience, and I'll be fucked. I wonder if Kash would give me a second chance then. I doubt it.


What the fuck did Wraesha do, that I didn't, to get them to trust her so much? She doesn't even know about Theo, she hasn't saved his life, or been told his deepest secrets, but he's still hesitating on whether he should take my side or hers. Or trying not to take sides at all. Like I didn't jump to help attack Elros in the tavern, the moment he had a shred of proof. Like I didn't offer to kill him if he wanted me to, despite what it would cost me. It makes me wonder how one-sided all these supposed friendships are. He even got to Nasir, and got him to come scold me before I could even explain what happened. But nobody wanted to hear my version of the story. Kash had made her decision and didn't even ask to hear it. But she talked to Wraesha for a damn long time. So did Theo. How is that fair? I fucking sat up in the hall waiting for Kash to come, making small talk with Seri, and when she got there she heard Benny's story and then made her choice, sorry Wren, thanks for everything you've done, but fuck you.

Somehow I ended up being the bad guy in all this. I'm the one fighting with my friends. I'm the one that ruined Wraesha's life. I'm the one despised by Keys and Vharros. I'm the one who they're gonna look at screwing over for some kind of twisted idea of vengeance. All I wanted to do was to stop her from hurting more people, I just wanted to keep my friends safe from her. Well look how well that fucking turned out. Xithic, Kash, Theo, Nasir, Luc - all my fucking "Friends" torn over whether to believe me, or the person who tried to kill me. I bet if Wrae had shot at Tory, Theo would have torn her to pieces.
Maybe he doesn't really care about me, after all. Maybe I should just be the bad guy they think I am.

Fuck, if it wasn't for Ter I would have lost my head. He's the only one who gets it. The only one who's mad like me, who thinks it's all ridiculous. The only one who agrees that I should have fucking killed Wraesha in Anvil when I had the chance.

I wish I had killed her. Next time, I'm not trusting the others to do the right thing. Next time, I'll do it myself.

Today was exhasting. At least I got to stab something. We saved the town hooray! I feel like shit.

We killed the Markynaz... or however you spell that shite, and when we did the daedra who were left got all confused, so I'm hoping so damn hard that this is all over. That we can move on now. Ter got beat up pretty bad, he was pretty impressive, actually, standing in front of it and taking the hits. Meanwhile I got raked across the chest by a fucking werewolf. There's a dent in my tit now.

At the end of it... well, Tarethis died. I didn't even know he'd stuck around to help fight, but he clearly did. I didn't think I'd mourn that piece of shit, but I am. He was a jerk, but he was a jerk who helped when it mattered, and didn't take advantage of me when he could have. I know where his family's estate is, and I know he has friends in Riften. I'm gonna have to go let people know. Gods know nobody else is going to.

Boris was beat up pretty damn bad too, there was one point where... shit I thought we'd lost her, her heart stopped and she wasn't breathing. It was only Aurelius pounding on her chest that she started up again. I need to go check on her in the morning, but I don't want to leave Ter. Nasir came and healed him, and neither of us could see any internal damage, but I'm still worried. Hopefully the sleeping potion I gave him helps, his body needs to rest.

There were others who were injured, I didn't know a lot of them. I went up to the clinic to help but as soon as I got up there I saw Ma'azha on the ground, not breathing. The kid was a fucking vampire, I should have figured that out. He kept getting all woozy around blood, but he was so sweet and so damn desperate to help out. He healed me, in the battle today, probably saved my life. If I'd been hit my the Marky-thingy without it I would have gone down hard. He had a neat trick, too, with those chains, I'll miss that. He got away, at least I hope he did. I need to find him, make sure he's gonna be okay. Caused a damn ruckus in the clinic though when he woke up, bit Ali, bit Kashya, bit Octato, I tackled Kashya, Octato punched Ma'azha, there was lots of yelling. Eventually I got the point across that if Kash was gonna give Wrae a second chance, she had to give *everyone* a second chance. She can't just pick and choose whoever tells the best sob story. She got pissy. I get it, he's a vampire, but he's one that got outed because he risked his life and damn near died defending the town. Doesn't that count for something? It's not the first time he's helped, either. I used to find him so annoying, he seems like such a know-it-all when you first meet him, but I got a soft spot for him, maybe cause he kept coming to me for help, and coming to help me. I should have noticed the signs. I should have gone to try and heal him. I should have told him... should have *talked* to him. Fuck.

After Ma'az got away, Seri went all... noble, and tested everyone upstairs in the clinic. Luc got out but Xithic was still up there, I heard they were looking for him after, so I hope he got away. I hope he didn't get discovered. I mean he's a pain in the ass, but I've never seen him threaten anyone.

And then Kash called everyone to the center of town, Ter and I didn't even get a chance to see a healer and I was still bleeding for crying out loud. She listed out Wraesha's charges and said everyone was gonna vote. I think there were only a handful of people there who knew what was going on, which is a stupid way to dispense justice. Most of the town were injured, or had gone home already. I yelled stuff, Keys yelled stuff, Ter said stuff I don't think he yelled. Ter and I left before people voted, I was too mad at everything. Just talking about it... she tried to kill me, but they only listed the charge as assault, not attempted murder. They didn't list that she tried to get me addicted to Skooma, didn't mention I'd been working for the guard to help bring her down... the people voting, they had no idea what was really going on. I could have made my case so much better if I'd had time to prepare, but it was all so rushed. I wasn't expecting it, and I was bleeding out. Ter couldn't even stand. Stupid timing. Terath thinks she did it to prove she was doing her job, he said it was a gesture to show she gives a shit about me. I don't know if I can let myself believe that, but I want to think it's true.

I don't even know what they decided, in the end. Probably just gaol time. I don't know if I really care, at the moment. I'm so tired of it all.

There's so much I need to do. I need to talk to Kashya and Theo and Luc. I need to find Xithic and Ma'azha. I need to go make sure the people that cared about Tarethis... if there are any, can mourn him. I need to find out what they did with his body, so I can make sure it gets laid to rest somewhere he'd appreciate. I need to keep an eye on Traps, and the litter. I need to get Ali out here to check on them, and sterilise Traps or Fits. I need to check on Boris, and make sure there aren't any injured who need my help. I need to get this hatred and anger out of myself. I need to rest and heal. I need to spend time with Terath and make sure he's okay.


But I can't do any of that tonight. I need to rest, even if I can't sleep. I wish I hadn't given Ter my sleeping potion, but he needed it more than me. I could tell he was in a lot of pain. So I'll just sit up and keep an eye on him. I need to stitch up my armour, I can do that. Well, it needs serious repairs, but it's not even wearable right now. I don't think they'd appreciate me coming into town with it in tatters, exposing my.. well bandages. Still.

I need a drink.

I am so, so damn tired. But I think I might forget what happened tonight if I don't write it down.
I spoke to Kash, and we're good now, I think. I got permission to get Tarethis' body and take it to his family, or wherever I can figure out where he'd wanna go. I cremated him, and got his stuff from the tavern. It's all in a bag, I haven't really gone through it yet.
I saw Luc, and she didn't yell at me, so I don't think there's anything to resolve there.
I went and found Theo, and we hugged and talked and things are okay there now. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I told him he can come back to the tavern, but I think he wants to stay with Nasir so he can bang him if he gets the chance.
I saw Boris, she's doing better but I don't think she's woken up yet. I healed her a little, but didn't stick around.
Keys also came and apologised to me. I apologised to her, too. It doesn't seem like she hates my guts, so that's a nice surprise.
I found Xithic near Rawl'ka, I didn't know where Suki's house was so I got lucky that I stumbled across him. He was injured from the fight. From what he said, they didn't *prove* that he was cursed, but he ran away from a silver test so that's pretty damning. I took him to Theo, so they could see each other, and they're working on a plan to get around the silver test. I'm gonna stay out of it. I tackled Kash and stopped her from killing Ma'azha, and she knows I'm not a reliable source of who is or isn't cursed. Also, I don't wanna get Ter in trouble. They wanted Ter to do a fake test publicly, and I said no. I'd ask him to do that for Theo, but that's all. I'm not gonna risk him for Xithic, as much as I want Xi to stick around, for Theo's sake.
They didn't know where Ma'azha would go, but didn't think he'd be able to go far, so Fits and I rode around town for a while, but I didn't see anything. I was too tired and the woods has been full of daedra and werewolves and vampires, it's impossible to know if any tracks were his.
When I went back to the tavern, Seri was there, limping pretty bad. I'd just gone in for a coffee to get me home and so I could wash, but I offered to take a look for him. It was on his thigh so we went up to the clinic, and he'd popped some stitches, so I had to clean it out and re-stitch it for him. By the time I got to actually healing it I was falling asleep so we just left it. I told him to take it easy, but I reckon he's stupid and stubborn like me.

I'm home, Ter's asleep. I just need to sit for a while, then I'll go bathe, and re-do my bandages and then I'll take one of those sleeping potions and pass out for a day. Everything else is just gonna have to wait.

Ervy came back today, she greeted me with a punch to the face so we sparred with our fists till we were exhausted. I forgot how much I missed her, even if she does put me on edge sometimes. The bad news is she said the job was legit. Officially her advice was to drop the case, unofficially she said to 'string him up by his testicles, or tits if it's a womer, for doing such a hack job.' So, we'll see what comes of that.

There was another murder today. Kash said they found a Bosmer girl with her eyeballs scooped out. There wasn't a note, so I doubt it was connected to the other one. I hope it wasn't. I never saw the body, but the idea of that bothers me more than I thought it would.

Seri thought Cimber was a suspect, they were going to lock him up with Aleeane and I remembered vaguely that Cimber worked as an assassin. Or used to? I don't know. So I told Kash, I said that I wasn't sure if I was remembering it correctly, but also that I'd been told Cimber was a werewolf. She silver tested him, it burned his skin, and he got away. I guess I've got another werewolf hunting me for retribution, but I'm dating Ter, I can't just let these things slide anymore. I'll lie for Theo, and I guess for Luc, but that's all. Ma'azha and Xithic had better steer clear of town cause I won't be protecting them. I'm not gonna let them lock a werewolf in a cage with a girl who was only in there to get clear of skooma, and not say anything about it. Luc tried to argue that Xithic was a friend, but so was Dreuth and he tried to kill me. Tory was their friend and he attacked Nira and caused her death. I'm not gonna risk my neck for them anymore. They died the moment they were bitten and failed to be cured. Theo though... he'll always be the exception. I'm glad he wasn't mad with me, for telling Kash.

I went to the murder site with Seri and Kash, but I wasn't much help, they'd already done what they could, but it's good to stay informed. Kash is happy to keep our arrangement, so maybe next time Ruvy will sniff something out. As long as Cimber doesn't eat me before then. I'm gonna keep Ruvy with me for a while.

But tonight, I'm gonna stay in town and get drunk. Not home, I don't want to bother Ter while I'm in this mood. I'll just stay here and pass out in a bush near the tavern.

I haven’t written a journal for a while, I’m getting slack.

Cimber died today. We ambushed him. I stabbed him in the back, literally, and then Kash shot him. He got a hit on Ter, though, but just gave him a nasty bruise on the thigh. He’ll be limping for a while. I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a dent in his armour. We patched him up, waited a while for a crowd to gather and then executed him. It took Theo three swings to hack through his head. To be fair, it’s not like it’s an easy thing to do, and he was using a sword and not an axe… and there was no headsman’s block. But Cimber asked Theo to do it, and that’s what happened. It didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I didn’t really feel anything. I wasn’t happy. I guess I was relieved. Relieved I wasn’t being hunted. Relieved that Cimber didn’t scream out that Theo is a vampire as his last words. Relieved that I didn’t have to fight to save Theo, relieved that Ter didn’t have to fight me. I told him to, if it came to that. I’d risk my own life for Theo, but I won’t risk Ter’s. I told him to do whatever he had to, to make sure people knew he’d do his job. Even if it meant attacking and restraining me. Even if it meant more than that.

Fuck, this is darker than normal. Xithic’s still out there, of course. Well, Suki said she locked him up in their house. I don’t know if it’d actually restrain him if he wanted to get out. She moved into the cavern. If it’s a trap… if she’s helping him get to me, I guess that’s something I have to risk. I said I’d help her, and I will. We still have the senche and the wolves, even though we’ll give Sun back to Boris now. I might ask Nasir to take the ward down from the house, now Cimber’s gone. And just put one on our bedroom. So Ter and I can sleep in peace, no matter who we have staying with us. Or maybe the whole back area. Fuck. No. I need to trust people. I need to help people. I’m not gonna be scared in my own home. The ward comes down. That rule might not have always been a good decision, but I have to stick by it. Theo and Suki and Ali and Ter and Nasir… they’re all worth the risk.

Ter’s recovering well from his concussion, I think. He was fine today, until right at the end when he got a little dazed, so I brought him home to sleep. I think he’s okay, I hope there wasn’t any permanent damage, anyway. Head injuries like that always freak me out so much. Maybe I need to talk to Ter, if I’m ever injured like that and I’m not… all there, I’d want him to kill me. Losing myself, losing control of myself or not being able to look after myself… no, I’d rather die.

Ma’azha’s back, and cured. It’s weird, I have such a soft spot for that kid. I say kid, I think he’s nearly an adult. Hard to think of him one when he still tries to call me ‘miss’ and ma’am.’ I’m glad he’s back. He called me a friend.

It’s one of those days where I’m reminded to be grateful for what I have.

I was looking forward to a day of lounging in the sun, but that didn’t fucking happen, did it? Someone came into town and said S’ren-ja in Reaper’s was being attacked by daedra. After seeing what they did here, what happened to the people who got caught by them, how could we not go? I reckon there was around twenty of us, our own little army. When we got there, we took them out pretty easy… at least I think we did. I got blasted in the fucking face by a scamp. It hurt.

Note for future Wren: Never, ever, under any circumstances, EVER try to get close to a flame-wielding creature.
Also note for future Wren: Yell at Nasir for making a flame-warding amulet that fails when I need it.

Though to be fair, it was over two months old. Maybe the enchantment faded. I’m still gonna yell at him though… not today, he healed me today. Tomorrow. Or the day after.

I managed to burn my hands, forearms, chest, neck and face. I hurried down to the water, I didn’t want Ter to worry, but I couldn’t see. My eyelids were burned shut and even when I got them open, I was blinded. I spent most of my time down there healing my eyes, but fuck that was scary. I can see now, but they’re still sore, like they’ve been scrubbed with sand. I’m not gonna tell Ter, but it hurts to have them open. It hurts to look, and even then everything’s kind of blurry. Like I’m looking through a light fog. I’m not even focusing on what I’m writing, just writing by habit and squinting to make sure the lines are straightish. I was hoping Nasir noticed when he was here, but he didn’t. I might go see him in the morning. I don’t wanna worry Ter. It’s good Xithic probably wants to kill me, cause I have an excuse to keep Ruvy with me all the time. Even if I were blind, I’d feel safe with her.
My hand feels weird writing this. I hope I’m not getting blood or pus on the page. I healed my right hand as much as I could, so I could do things and use my fingers, but it feels stiff, like I’m wearing a glove. Also it still hurts. Everything still hurts. Thank fuck we have healing potions.

Most people stayed in S’ren, the cultist who summoned the daedra is still out there, so if we’d just left, the whole trip would have been pointless. Well not entirely, they were evacuating the town in the morning, of people who can’t fight, anyway. Ter and I came home, I had to feed the sencha and I didn’t want to sleep in a strange place with my eyes like this. Luckily he insisted it before I could come up with a reason. We’ll go back tomorrow. Hopefully with me and Nasir healing, my eyes will be better by then. At least I’ll be able to fight, if it comes to that. But I need to find something else to wear, the arms and gloves of my armour kind of melted. At least I didn’t catch on fire. Actually maybe that’s what the amulet stopped. It’s more comforting to think that.

I’m gonna take a healing potion, the ones that knock you out and stay asleep for as long as I can. At least Ter didn’t get hurt.

It’s been about a week since I got burned by the scamp. With Nasir’s help, I’ve healed the burning, but my eyes are giving me trouble still. They’re getting better, but when I have to look closely at things it hurts, like cleaning out the wounds today.
It’s been a while since I wrote in here, we saved S’ren-ja, killed Fenas and came home. Oh and Fenas stabbed me, that happened. The wound wasn’t too bad, I didn’t get skewered, thankfully, and it missed most of the important stuff, but it still fuckin’ hurts. I can walk around and stuff fine now, but stretching or touching it or bending over, well it all hurts. I put some numbing salve on it today, and that was a mistake.

There’s a storm going on in Malabal Tor, a pretty big one. Biggest I’ve seen in a year or two. The tavern started flooding so we went to the beach to fill up some bags with sand, only things went wrong. I sunk into the sand, and when Ter yanked me out he split my wound a bit, so I couldn’t even carry the damn sandbag back up. I fell over in the mud too many times to count, and scraped my arm. Apparently Estre saved Ter’s life, he sounded bitter, like I should have been there, but even if I had seen him through all that rain, there’s no way I’d be able to pull him out of anything. He fell and re-broke his arm though, worse than before, I think. Estre and Afer got bitten by crocodiles of all fucking things. A khajiit, I forget his name, Ali had to open his chest up and operate, someone started fainting at the sight of the blood so I had to tell all the spectators to get out of the clinic. Of course nobody listened till Theo said something, but at least they all left. Well mostly. Everyone’s gonna be okay, I think. And we did get some sandbags for the tavern.

I’m gonna have to have Nasir focus on the stab wound tomorrow, instead of my eyes, gotta make sure it's not gonna get infected from all that fucking mud. I guess it’s a testament to how much he likes me, he’s been coming and healing me and Ter every morning for a week now nearly. Sacrificing his morning cuddle with Theo, as he so frequently mentions, though that’s probably bullshit.

Oh and Seri got his kitten. He picked the shy one and named her Hrota, I was worried he was gonna try and pick the runt for a bit, but then that one stepped forward. They seem pretty attached to each other already, though maybe it’ll make her even more secluded. I’ve gotta remember to keep letting Bugs or Mor or Traps spend time with her when Seri’s on guard duty, so she stays social. Won’t do to have a guard’s senche growling at every other beast that passes. At least she still trusts me, though I wonder how long that’ll last. Seri was a good choice. I was gonna get Ali to come pick his senche today, but after the beach thing and healing and being covered in mud I wasn’t exactly in the mood to invite him up. Maybe tomorrow. Hopefully the rain lets up soon, at least it's not flooding here where the cave is.

I saw Theo again yesterday. Fuck I’m so happy I saw him. I was walking Titus in the rain, along the beach and Theo came out of the fucking ground. He’d buried himself. Idiot. Though I suppose I’d do weird stuff too, if I didn’t need to breathe. I hunted a deer for him so I knew he was safe to be around and we talked, and hugged and cried a lot. I told him he was my great uncle, and that I didn’t want him to die, and that he’s the only family I’ve ever had that actually felt like family. He was just as happy to find that out. He’s still going away for a while. I think he just needs to be a vampire for a while and I’m okay with pretending that isn’t happening. I have family who aren’t assholes and I like the idea of it. He took Titus with him, he was going to try and take Dil too, to get the kid out of town. The guard knows about him so it’s not like he can live here. He’s only going to Anvil, or thereabouts, so I hope he’ll let me know where he’s staying so I can visit. I’m not worried about him now.

Today though, I walk into the tavern and hear about another dead body, with ritualistic cuts and words written on their face and shit, and I realised because of me the town is down a guard. I didn’t want to join, but I talked to Kashya and I did. There’s a big part of me that’s screaming that I’m making a mistake, but I don’t see how this can end up as bad as last time I wore a uniform. Actually I can see that, but I’m trying not to think about it.

When I went to help Seri move Wrae back down to the cells, Heals was fussing over her and how sick she was and I realised her symptoms looked fresh. When I said something, Kash immediately tried to banish her, even though I said I wasn’t sure. Thinking about dealers around town, I could only think of Benny, because he sat with me the other day. I went to find him, asked to search him and he bolted. I would have lost him, but Ter went a different way and Keys was on her sehche-lion, and once we cornered him he came easy. He did have skooma on him though, and I guess he didn’t see any point in lying, admitted to giving Wrae some. They’re both locked in the same cell now, and Kash’s gonna help them get clean. Well, she’s gonna help Wrae. I’m glad, if Wrae had just been banished she would have gone back to drugs and been bitter and hateful. Now I hope we can see she’s been given every chance. Maybe it’ll make her less inclined to fuck over my life when she’s out. I don’t really wanna be shot with another crossbow bolt.

I can talk now, but it hurts and there’s barely a voice there. I need to rest it more than I am, but it’s hard. Maybe it’s a good way to practice keeping my mouth shut. My stab wound is still healing, but it only hurts when I do stupid shit like chase after Benny. My eyes are still slowly getting better. They don’t hurt much anymore, and I only have to squint when reading really, so I got Nasir to work more on my burn scars on my face. He got it down to something a lot less gruesome, I need to remember to buy him something pretty, especially because I had to break the news to him about Theo, that did not go well. I need to remember to file a report about that stupid argonian thing today. Maybe I’ll show the finished version to Kash to make sure I’m doing it properly.

What a fucking first day on the job. What started as a investigation over two people arguing turned into saving Cirlin and catching a serial killer. On top of that Kash decides to go all stab-happy and just… ugh. I went in this morning to hand in my uniform, but Seri was there. He said Kash has left. Fucker. I should have quit properly last night. Now I’m stuck in the damn guard cause otherwise it’d just be Seri, Fedris and… Estre. Well, and Cassandra but she left in the middle of a damn investigation even though I clearly indicated I wanted her help. Can’t rely on that one. Seri’s the major now… or acting marshal I guess. I wonder where Kash’s gone? Probably somewhere to get drunk… or high. Or both. If I knew where she lived, I might go look, but I’d only punch her again if I saw her. Which reminds me, I really should work on my upper body strength.

Well now Seri wants someone on duty at all times, yay. Fortunately I’m an Auditor which means I can stand around in my normal armour and *say* I’m on duty. Can’t drink though. Damn it. Me and my stupid ‘all or nothing’ attitude, it really comes to bite me in the ass when I get convinced to do the ‘all’ part, life was so much easier when I focused on the ‘nothing.’

Dear Theo,

Or, Dear Great Uncle Theo,

I don’t know where to send letters, so I’ll just write to you here. Seri’s major now, Kash’s gone and nobody knows where… or even if she’s gonna come back. Nira was outed as a vampire. Estre joined. So now it’s Seri, me, Fedris, Estre and Cassandra. Not that Cassandra’s much help, she left in the middle of a serial killer investigation when I was trying to take someone in for questioning. Oh right, I’m a guard now. I blame you. Or really, I blame me. If I hadn’t made you leave, I wouldn’t have felt the need to help out. But now I’m stuck with it. I bet you’re laughing at that. My first day on the job and everything went to shit. I’m not writing this trying to get you to come back, actually it’s better for you to stay away. I don’t know if Kash is gonna be mad that Nira was uncovered, cause they’re friends. If she finds out I was the one who told Seri, she might want to test you. I should probably explain that more, huh?

I joined the guard, and the next day we hunted down a serial killer and caught her. The one who scooped out that poor womer’s eyeballs. Kash wanted to execute her, but not to raise a fuss in public, so Kash, Seri and I took her down to the beach. I don’t know what I was expecting, honestly, maybe… to read her the charges and do it mercifully. Kash just… started stabbing her in the gut over and over again and I yelled at her to stop but she didn’t listen, so I yelled at Seri to stop her and he just held the killer still so Kash could keep stabbing her. When she was dead I punched Kash, though you know my punches suck. I tore off my tabard and stormed off. I went into the hall the next morning planning on quitting and Seri told me I’d been right, that it was wrong, and that Kash had promoted him and run off. She didn’t even give him her master keys to all the chests. So I fucking stayed in the guard, didn’t I? Corporal Wren reporting for fucking duty. We don’t know if Kash is coming back or not. But I figured I couldn’t trust her judgement, and the only reason Ter hadn’t tested Nira was cause Kash had asked us not to. During that conversation, it came up that Nira joined the guard before the silver testing was mandatory… and so had you. I thought… I told Kash not to test you. I’m sorry. But, she’d trusted us and at that point I trusted her too. And when I told Seri about Nira… I didn’t even think that Kash might retaliate, that she might come back and demand to test you.

So, my point is, stay away dear until this all dies down. I’ll keep Vulk from burning to the ground, and you stay alive and safe somewhere. Though if you’d told me where you were going before you fucking left I might have been able to send you this fucking letter. Jerk. Now you’ll never know.

If you do come back, I might not be in town for a few days. It’s okay, Keys will keep everyone safe. Boris ran off to Daggerfall so Ter and I are off to save her ass from whatever trouble she’s gotten herself into now. I hope she’s still alive so I can yell at her. We’re gonna try and find Al, while we’re there. But I don’t know if there’ll even be anything left to find.

I hope you’re somewhere safe. I hope you’re not being too reckless. I hope Titus is taking care of you.

I love you,
Wren.

Dear Theo,

I fucked up, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry. Don’t come back.

There is a quick, silly doodle of a frost troll at the top of the page.

image no longer hosted — http://imgur.com/itE2LU3.jpg[/img]

These guys are morons.

Disenyl keeps wanting to fight. Lu wants to talk to it. All of Rel’s ideas violate the green pact. Ja’hann wants to gas them.

Ma’az and Storm are the only two that’ve done anything useful. I’m bored.

Oh wow, an hour in and they’re starting to get decent ideas. J’varr is making sense.

I have learned that without someone giving orders, these people are imbeciles. Disenyl is the biggest one.

Lu and Rel need to take charge more. They didn’t step up till Ter told them to.

Dear gods this has been going on for an hour already. J’varr comes up with the best ideas so far. Storm didn’t listen to instructions. Rel thinks trolls are clever. Gods, Do these people know anything about trolls?

Oh sure let’s make a portal from the cave to a volcano. These people don’t know how portals work either. Poor Ma’az, now they’re just trying to make him do all the work.

Where they went wrong:
1. Relied HEAVILY on one persons magicka.
2. Relied heavily on chance that the troll would walk over the rope.
3. Used the rope even after being told it probably wouldn’t hold.
4. Forgot about the second troll.
5. When the second troll came out they panicked.
6. Let go of the rope without an order to do so, causing those still holding it to get injured.
7. Ja’hann attacked the troll, against orders.
8. Disenyl attacked the troll, against orders.
9. Storm attacked the troll, against orders.
10. J’varr attacked the troll, against orders.
11. Assumed poison would work, did not research what they were hunting.
12. Didn’t check to see if the large troll was dead.


Fucking Peren. That’s two nights in a row. At least Fedris seemed as annoyed as me. He busted his way out of the cells and Kash is in there teaching him grammar, I don’t fucking get it. If he won’t stay in the cells they should be warded. Yesterday Reliza said ‘if you want to arrest him go for it, because I can’t’ and today Kash basically said the same thing, ‘he’ll just break his way out of the cell’ - no attempt to arrest him again or contain him, no attempt to explain what he was doing was wrong, and why he can’t just decide he works in the tavern. I just want to be able to do my fucking job, he’s breaking the law and needs to face the consequences for it.

Nothing happened for me to write in here about, and then everything happened at once. Yesterday was just one of those days where I couldn’t stop to breathe. I went into the tavern and the town was mostly empty, and that strange Khajiit that Keys warned me about came in and started asking questions about where Theo had gone. I didn’t think much of it at first but he was damn persistent and wouldn’t just pass a message on through me, his tail had the same markings as Xithic, so Luc and I improvised a little thing to see if we got a rise out of him. We pretended Suki was sick and dying, Luc was damn good at picking up on the hint, a lot better than Kashya is. Xi was getting agitated so Luc and I went for a walk out of town. I didn’t expect him to get so violent so quickly. I mean, I never did anything to him, except telling Suki the truth, but that was for her sake, not to hurt him. Xi just wanted to kill me, and I tried to explain myself while Luc acted as a bodyguard. I wasn’t worried about a fight breaking out until Keys stumbled onto us. She did everything right and backed away, and her senche Arrow stayed to help. Smart kitty. Anyway, then Xithic started getting smarmy so I attacked. I stabbed him, a few times, Luc zapped him and Arrow bit him. I got a scratch on my thigh, it’s not too bad. But Luc got sliced open after Xithic turned, so when he ran I didn’t follow, I had to help Luc.

She’s okay, thank the gods. She said some sweet things about me, even if she disagrees about what happened with Cimber. I think she understands. I had to go fill out a damn report about it, and while I was doing that they started the test with Ama, I came out in time to see Keys slip and fall off the ramp to the guild hall and hit her head. She had a mild concussion but it wasn’t too bad. Silly little kitten. I took *her* up to the clinic and then spoke to Ter, he wants to promote me. The idea is crazy to me, but gods there’s nobody else except Fedris and Seri doesn’t know him well enough to suggest the promotion, and it’s not like Kash is gonna do it on her own volition. I mean I’ll do it, I don’t think it’s actually gonna make any difference day-to-day except I can boss Fedris around. Not that I would, really. I like Fedris, he makes good decisions.

Estre and Llevis interrupted us and Estre and Seri got all awkward, so I grabbed Llevis and we went and looked at a bird. While we were there, Llevis told me things weren’t going well with Estre. She’s using him, it annoys me. She actually told the poor mer that she was thinking of Seri when they slept together. Ugh.

Then I spoke to Seri again, and he was freaked out cause Estre cornered him for a talk and insisted that she ‘knew’ he was attracted to her. Like that matters for anything. She’s being too pushy and hurting both of them. I think I need to talk to her about it or she’ll lose both of them as friends. I found out some stuff about Seri, I’m always surprised when he opens up to me, though I was more surprised when he said he’d take another kitten. I think I’d give him one, if he had a house. I need to nag Ali about picking his. Maybe Ma’azha wants one?

After all that I went to the Gold Coast to see Theo, I didn’t stay long because it was late and I was damn exhausted, but it was good to see him again. I caught him up with everything and gave him a letter from Keys which made him cry. He was glad I didn’t tell Xithic where he’d gone, so at least I know I made the right decision in not telling anyone. On the way home I went to get Hrota from Estre’s house but she wasn’t home.

I didn’t sleep all that well last night, Ter was a dope, I asked for breakfast in bed and he served it in an apron. Every time things happen when he’s asleep, I can tell he feels bad, but there wasn’t a lot he could have helped with except the Xithic fight. We went hunting for the senche together, and then I went to Estre’s house and… let myself in. I brought Hrota back to the cavern, she’s being hassled by her siblings and pretends to be all huffed by it, but I think she’s glad to see them. I bet she misses Seri though, I’ll take her in tomorrow. But I can’t think straight now, so it’s time to sleep. Time to down a potion and pass out.

(belatedly posted written 2nd of Aug)

*

FG lecture - in attendance:
Terath
Lu
Rel
Boris
Al
Jonai
Disenyl
J’varr
Adsomar
Lola (?) - nevermind she left
Olkar
Ja’hann
Afer
Keys

Lu & Boris making small talk during lecture.

NO SPELLS

Ja’hann… left mid-lecture to… send a message? Why couldn’t that have waited till after?
Disenyl doesn’t listen.
NOW Lu tells people to be quiet.
I can’t be a leader like Ter, I just want to smash my head against a rock. I also want to punch Afer.
Why are they talking about potatoes?
I think Keys is the smartest one here. Seriously. She’s a smart kitten.
Boris makes good plans when she leaves out the potatoes.
People need to understand we’re there for a specific reason, mindless looting is GOING to cause trouble.
Disenyl, Ja’hann and J’varr whispering to each other and not paying attention.
Boris and Al whispering.
I *really* want to punch Afer.
Disenyl needs things repeated several times to get through.



People paying attention and making good suggestions:
Keys (needs to stop focusing on loot)
Boris (though still gets distracted by Al - split them up)
Adsomar
Rel & Lu (though also got distracted a lot)
Storm? Was very quiet.
Afer seems to pay attention but is only making snide comments and wanting to get to the fighting.

At least the pistons got everyone taking it seriously.
A lot of them seem too casual about it still, over-confident.

Svan came late.

Yesterday I was worried that I was becoming a pact Bosmer, today I don’t even know who I am..

I was so mad at Theo to start off with. I didn’t want to stop the others, I just wanted to get him out of the forest before they found him. I punched him, and hugged him, and yelled at him and then… I just forgot that I was trying to be a responsible person. It was *fun* sneaking around with him, hiding from the guards, acting like I used to. Like I was before I came to town. Have I really changed so much?

I used to think the Green Pact was stupid and pointless, now I respect the forest, I see its beauty, I want to protect it. I was even spouting Y’ffre propaganda Yesterday.

I used to think relationships were nothing but trouble, that I was better off on my own. That caring only caused pain. Well, I still think this, but Theo was right, it’s worth it, for the most part. Even if he’s probably caused the most pain just by being what he is.

I used to not care about the cursed, then I wanted to help them, now I’m hunting them again and turning over people who considered me a friend. I never thought I was that close to Xithic and Cimber, but clearly they felt differently about me.

I used to steal, and kill, and blackmail, and do whatever I needed to get paid and now… I haven’t stolen anything in weeks. I’m broke, I’m a fucking town guard, at least I think I still am. Being lawful sure is low-paying. It’s like my morals never used to exist, or, they only existed when other people did stuff. Can I blame Katarn? Did she start me on this path of having limits? Those limits are slowly getting smaller and smaller. Look at what I did to Wraesha. What I wanted to do to that mer in the forest yesterday. I’m such a hypocrite.

I used to move from place to place, using different names and faces, never sharing anything about myself. And even though Wren’s just another act, it feels more like ‘me’ than anything else has. And settling here… I was okay with the idea of getting arrested for Theo, but then I saw how mad Ter was, and the look on Keys’ face, and I realised if I was locked up, I couldn’t hunt for my senche or translate that journal. I have to fucking stick around and deal with the consequences. I’ve never had to do that before.

Who the fuck am I? Have I just spent so many years of my life changing faces and habits and names and personalities that I’m so changeable as this? Did I hate the green pact because of what happened to me as a child, or was it something that I just decided Wren would feel? Do I want to be a guard or a thief? Do I want to help cursed or hunt them down? I just don’t know. I don’t know who the fuck I am. I want to be both. I want to be the responsible mer who works as a guard and helps people like Keys and is stable and reliable and lives with Ter and has senche and wolves and is happy. But I also want to run amok, break the rules, cause mayhem, steal and kill and make stupid jokes with Theo and take stupid risks and when I get caught out just… pick up and move on, new face, new name, new life.

The problem, right now, is that I want both. I want to do both those things. But I can’t. I’m stuck in this middle place and I don’t think there’s a way I can compromise. Ter knows something’s wrong, but it’s so hard to explain. Someday I’ll do something to fuck everything up, and then I won’t be able to do either.

Who am I? Am I Wren? Nael? Kanara? Tori? Jena? Daya? Do I even remember all the names I’ve had?

Who the fuck am I?

I decided that I don’t like vodka. It tastes like feet. Why have I been drinking it so much? Was it just the drink that I decided Wren would order because it existing violates the pact? Well, not really, it’s all imported anyway, it’s not like anyone grows potatoes here.

Ter understands, I think. Though I kind of predicted his response. About the… identity crisis, I mean, not the vodka. Is that what this is? I’d say a mid-life crisis but I’ll have to wait a hundred years or so for that. Anyway, Ter bought a heap of different drinks for me to try, which was sweet. Wine is okay, or maybe that was just the type I ordered. I really like the honey mead, and the brandy was okay. There was a bottle of firebrand wine we didn’t try, I didn’t want to get drunk. Well, I did, but also I didn’t. I want to make sure Theo’s gone before I let myself let go of myself like that, and I can’t keep up my story if my head is muddled.

I had a good talk with Seri, this morning. I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t expecting him to be so understanding, but he and I have a lot more in common than I think either of us thought. It’s crazy, he, Kash and I have the longest criminal records in town probably, and we’re the three highest ranked guards. Does that make us better at it, or worse, I wonder? All of us are wanted somewhere. All of us trying to be something we weren’t. I don’t know if that’s comforting or scary.

And of course, I had to tell Lucia everything that happened. She was kind of freaking out about one of her friends suddenly having a bounty. I feel really sorry for her, but if she’s not gonna look for a cure, then… well, that’s the risk she’s taking by staying in town. I think she’s literally the last one I know about that hasn’t been outed. Except Ter knows.

Then Nira came back and was cured and… I just couldn’t stop thinking about the whole Theo thing. She was talking about why how she turned and why she hadn’t gotten a cure and I just… I didn’t want to think about that shite. But that’s not her fault, she didn’t know any of it. Then of course it came up with Keys and Ter and… I don’t know what to do. I feel like I should cut him out of my life, but… then I see him and I just can’t help myself. Gods I sound like some kind of love-sick fool, I’ve never loved him like *that*, but I do love him. Like a brother. But my brother is dead, and I never got along with him anyway, so maybe I should take the hint. I’ll wait until he’s responded to my note and then… I think I’ll burn the mimic journal. I hated lying to Kash and Seri, I hated it. They’re good people, mostly. Well, they’re better than me. Not that, that’s hard to be. They know I was lying, I think, but they’re not chasing me out of town. And if Theo comes back, I’m staying out of it. I can’t trust myself to do the right thing. I don’t even know what the right thing is, so, I won’t do anything.

And to top it all off, Ali finally came and got his kitten, and he took the runt. I was prepared to give up the others, but not that one. Damn it. He talked me into it. But, if it is gonna have health issues like I think, Ali’s gonna be the best person to take care of him. Now I just need to find a home for the other two. Maybe Ma’azha? He’s cured now. He could do with some company I’m sure. Maybe Seri will take the other one if he ever gets a house.

Guh, I can’t keep them all, but I still want to. I’m gonna go cuddle Mor.

the writing of this page is sloppy and spotted with blood

I make bad decisions and I get people killed. People need to stop listening to me. Why do they listen to me?

Y’ffre is real. How many times am I going to have to bleed before I stop feeling guilty? I broke the pact, and nearly turned into a tree because of it. I don’t know how I’m ever going to be able to get that feeling out of my head, the bark creeping up my arm and tearing and tearing at it and it just kept growing, and the panic because I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t stop it. I was powerless. So I killed her, and it stopped. I clawed at my skin to get it to go away and I tore at myself and I didn’t stop till it was all gone. It didn’t seem to freak out anyone else as much as me. Why weren’t they freaking out? Lu said people shouldn’t listen to me and she’s right.

I saw Theo. He was back in the forest *again*. I can’t do it. I can’t see him all the time and not see him. Gilyn was there, I couldn’t just act like a friend and I couldn’t kill him, what am I supposed to do? I burned the mimic book. As far as I’m concerned he’s dead now. It hurts too much.


I’m going to quit the guard. I make bad decisions. And that was one of them. I can still help them sometimes, maybe, but people shouldn’t listen to me.

Seri made a decision to die, and Gil made me go with him to stop him, was that a bad decision? I don’t know. I don’t even know if we made a difference. I am sitting here, drinking in Auridon. I stole the booze, and am sitting on a dock and I want to pass out. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to be responsible Wren. I don’t want things to hurt anymore. I don’t want to *care* anymore.

I don't want to go to the ooze.

Dear Theo,

This letter isn’t getting sent, I wouldn’t even know how to get it to you since I burned the mimic journal, but I need to get these things out of my head.

You can do what you want, it’s your life, but I’m not a part of it anymore. I think I understand now how you felt when Tory was arrested. You are a monster just like him, and everybody keeps bringing you up so I can’t distract myself.

It hurts too much to worry about you all the time. If you’d just stayed in Cyrodill, or if you’d died, then it’d be okay, but I can’t see you when you’re here without risking my life and lifestyle, or more importantly, Ter’s. I ran into you in the forest and Gilyn was there, did you expect me to hug you? To act like everything was fine? And then get in trouble with the guard again for not arresting you? Did you even think of me at all? I’m glad I was drunk so I had an excuse. I’m going to stay drunk now, so if I see you again I won’t have to try and kill you. When I said I was supposed to, you said ‘please don’t’ like that should be enough. It might’ve been, at one point. Not anymore.

I wish I had killed you last time when I tried. I wish you had killed me, instead of just strangling me till I passed out. I wish I’d never found out we were related. I wish I’d never picked you as my friend that day I walked into town.

I make bad decisions, I realise that now. And you were one of them.

Goodbye, Theo.
Rest in peace.

((PLEASE NOTE: These are Wren's notes from the FG event, they ARE NOT the official report, any pass/fail or comments are purely her opinion.))

Fighters’ Guild test event.

BORIS’ GROUP:
Boris - good leadership. Firm. Really good. PASS
Dis - would have gotten Adsomar to throw her over a trap… how would she get back? Boris shut it down. Bickered with Adsomar too much. fail?
Adsomar - did well. Bickered with Dis too much. Pass?

Trip wire: Cut from a safe distance
Rug: Avoided
Soul gem: Not noticed
Pressure plates: Navigated without setting off. Good communication.
Spheres: Avoided
Pistons: Avoided
Spiders: Avoided
Centurion: Triggered it and ran, used the pistons to stop it. Good use of environment.

Book: Aquired.

Overall: Good guidance of Boris, even if she did walk into a few walls.
Magic: None

LU’s GROUP:
Lu - Told them to look for treasure. Did not lead well.
Storm - Let Lu hold his tail, good idea except Lu’s supposed to go first. Incorrectly identified a dead end. Led Lu over a pressure plate. Not very observant but apologetic. Threw a boot on a pressure plate to test it. Fail.
Cirlin - Very quiet, didn’t say much. Pass?

Tripwire: Stepped over carefully.
Rug: Not noticed
Soul gem: Not noticed
Pressure plates: TRIGGERED
Spheres: Disabled pressure plate but triggered by chest.
Pistons: Ran hastily through, didn’t plan or try to time it.
Spiders: Triggered
Centurion: Triggered

Book: Not acquired. (Everyone dead)

Overall: Poor guidance of Lu, held Storm’s tail and didn’t go first. Set off too many traps.
Magic: None.

REL’S GROUP

Rel - Asking good questions, poking for information. Dissuaded looting for the sake of looting. Forgot what they were after. Pass.
Keys - Very observant. Also didn’t want to take risks for loot. Very good communication. Forgot what they were after. Pass.
J’varr - Quiet, but had good ideas. Remembered the instructions. Pass.

Tripwire: Stepped over, risky.
Rug: Avoided
Soul gem: Avoided
Pressure plates: Triggered. Rel tried to jump over - could have gone around it. Landed on the plate. At least they didn’t try it again.
Spheres: Avoided
Pistons: Avoided
Spiders: Triggered.
Centurion: Avoided

Book: Not Acquired (forgot the aim of the mission)

Overall: Rel stayed in the lead, gave good orders, but made a bad decision to jump over pressure plate instead of walking around. Lesson easily learned. Forgot what they came in to get.
Magic: None

TRAPS OVERVIEW:

Tripwire: Could be stepped over, or cut from a safe distance after checking what it triggers. All teams passed this trap.

Rug/lever: All teams avoided this trap, there was a lever on a wall, over a rug, the lever would open a trapdoor under the users feet, and they would fall to their death. Intended to show the risk of randomly pulling levers and pushing buttons.

Soulgem trap: None of the teams encountered this trap. A soul gem on a pedestal would shoot ice or flame at whoever walked into range. The gem could be knocked away with an arrow or thrown object, though whoever was knocking it would need to be protected from the gem’s blasts.

Pressure plate/fire hallway: Always be careful of where your feet land! Never walk blindly down a corridor without watching your feet first. The holes for the fire-spurts were visible on the walls, but not noticed by all the teams.

Dwarven Spheres: These were hidden in the metal pipes, triggered by both the pressure plate AND a tension wire on the chest. The pressure plate was disarmed by a lever on the wall, but the tension wire was not. Tension wires CANNOT BE CUT! That’s the same as triggering them! They need to be followed to the trap and then the trap needs to be disarmed. If in doubt DO NOT TOUCH IT.

Pistons: Overall handled well, timing is important, nobody fell into the pit of deadly spikes and died.

Spiders: Again were triggered by a tension wire. See ‘Dwarven Spheres’

Centurion: The centurion was activated by a pressure plate under the book. The first team took the book and ran, using their environment to their advantage, after making sure their leader was safe. Another option would be to take the book and replace it with an item of the same weight, either a rock or the urn that was nearby.

A NOTE: In our test, the dwarven constructs were triggered by traps, but in some cases they may activate from proximity, so if you see a place where they can come from in the real ruins, and you don’t want to have to fight machines STAY CLEAR.

This entry is quite sloppy.

I don’t even know what I should write in here. My hand is throbbing in the cast and it’s killing me. Thank fuck Ali was in the clinic or I’m sure it’d be much worse. This is worse than being stabbed, it’s like having an entire dud limb. It’s scary how tempting it is just to hack the whole thing off. Fairly certain quite a few people would have ‘words’ with me if I did that though. I’m too scared to heal it, it was so mangled. Ali put everything back but gods it hurts so much, what if he did it wrong?

I feel like crap, the bite on the back of my thigh is throbbing too, and it’s itching. It’s in such an annoying place. Dog bites are always horrible though. I still feel weak, I can’t tell if that’s the sleeping potion wearing off or the blood loss. Maybe I should have taken a regeneration potion. I kind of forgot about the bite on my neck when we got back, I healed it so well in the middle of the fight, there’s barely even a mark there. I wish I could do that every time I healed. What did I do differently? Panicking, probably.

I don’t know if I can write about what happened. I probably should, though. That’s the point of this stupid book, isn’t it?

How many times am I going to have to write ‘I fucked up’ in my own journal? I hesitated. I failed again. I thought he was beaten. I thought I had time to steady myself. But he turned to mist and got away. And now… only Y’ffre knows how much he must hate me. Now I’m just left with the memory of him asking me not to, pleading. Begging. He was begging. It took him so long to even fight back. How many times did I swing at him while he was pleading with me not to hurt him? How many times did he say that he didn’t want to hurt me? But I kept on trying. I didn’t even do it cleanly. I could have gone for his throat, but every damn swing I still held myself back. I hit him in the thigh, the gut, the face… He must have thought I was torturing him.

Am I the monster?

I need to take another potion.

I am forcing myself to write in here because I can’t bring myself to talk about it to anyone. I know people would listen, Ter and Seri and Estre and Keys, but… I know what they’ll say, that I did the right thing, that it’s better this way, that I should let everyone else handle it now… but the fact is I still miss my friend. If I saw him again now, I think I’d just cry. It took all the willpower I have to do what we did and I still failed. In the end, all I did was hurt him. Does he hate me now? He must despise me. I lied to him about Nasir. I used Tory to try and get him to agree. And he’s right, I spent so much time convincing him to stay alive, did I really think he’d just… kneel down and let me do it? Gods, I still love him. I miss him. Drinking in the tavern and joking back and forth and being stupid and flirting with the same mer. He really was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a brother. And I ruined it. I ruin everything.


I still can’t decide if I kept my promise to him or betrayed his trust. I know what Xithic and Luc would say. I know what Ter and Seri would say. But I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like either of them. It just hurts.

Booze isn’t working. I want something stronger but thank fuck I’m not desperate enough to go back to skooma. Not yet anyway. I’d talk to someone before I went down that road again. Sleeping potions help pass the time but Ter was right, I’m just using them to avoid dealing with everything. But I don’t want to deal with it. That takes time, and effort, and it hurts. I just want it gone. I want to forget. But then I’d forget all the good times, and I don’t want to lose those. I’d forget getting drunk and working behind the bar with him. I’d forget the first day I met him and annoyed him with my persistent flirting. I’d forget about the were-hoarvors and the threats of naked piggy-back rides and the night we stayed up late talking and sharing everything about each other.

Is it worth losing all those memories just to stop having these nightmares? I see him begging me over and over now. I don’t even have to be asleep, I just hear it, and I just keep cutting him down over and over again like a monster. It hurts so much.

I don’t want to think those thoughts. I don’t want to feel this. This is a million times worse than when Nira died, and that took me months. Gods, how long am I going to have to feel like this? And he’s not even dead. He could come back at any point and get revenge. I don’t have the strength to fight him anymore. If he wanted to kill me, I’d let him do it. I’d just cry and let him do it.

This isn’t helping. I feel worse now. I’m going to take a sleeping potion.

Alchemy notes:

Sleeping Tree Sap - to try? Whiterun, expensive.

Root tendrils & giants blood

Coda Flower - levitate - what the fuck?
Bitter coast - Vvardenfell.

Tuck Nightshade into armour to sneak & hide better. Weird.

Somnalius Fern - Black Marsh, hard to harvest but great for putting people to sleep. Breathe in scent. How potent would it be if you ate it?

Domica Redwort - makes you prettier if you wear it. Wot?
‘Shadow form’ potion - pure water, nectar, malachite, black rose.

I don’t feel like writing anything here. Still, I’ll give it a shot.

I got high with Seri and Gilyn last night, I don’t remember much of it. Gilyn was a flower and Seri was a… vine? A majorvine? And I was a fern. At some point Seri fell on my hand and crushed my cast.

Fought a bit with Ter today. Seri kicked my ass about it all. It helped. Everything’s good with Ter now, I think. He offered to go be stupid with me.

There’s more I could write but I don’t want to.

Well, I just cuffed Ter to a cell. That’s not something I ever thought I’d write. He apparently knocked Afer out in three punches because he was being a drunk moron. I’m so proud, I wish I’d seen it. I didn’t ask what Afer did, but it’s easy to believe he deserved it.

I should write about *why* I missed it but I don’t really want to put it down on paper. I had to tell Ter, and I’ll have to repeat it to Seri and Kash and Keys at least, oh and Amelie. I don’t need to write it here too.

What’s most important is, they got rid of the illusion on my tattoos. They cut and burned my arms to distort the pattern too, but it was the mage who took the spell away. It hurt, but I think that was just in my head. The emotional crap. I can fix the scarring that’s screwing up my tattoos but I can’t fix the spell. I don’t know if I can even be bothered trying. They found me here, somehow, what’s the point in hiding my face?

This face though… it’s going to be so weird. And every damn person is gonna ask why I look different, if they even recognise me. My hair’s so much redder, and so long now, I need to cut it. Green eyes. Freckles. Okay I missed my freckles. And I’m really glad my proportions make more sense. I slept on my stomach last night for the first time since I was sixteen. So, maybe it’s not all so bad. Gonna have to actually watch my weight though. Luckily my armour’s pretty easy to take out and in, I might go get that done today. It still needed repairing on the thigh anyway, and I can get it on while my hand’s not in a cast. I’m not looking forward to re-breaking that to re-set all the bones and let them heal properly, maybe I can put it off?

I’d ask Nasir if he can help with that, but he’s gone now. I finally told him about the Theo stuff and, well, now he hates me too. Fair enough. He’s gone back to Morrowind. That’s all I want to write about that.

Anyway, senche have been fed. I’m gonna bathe, then go to Bandaari and get some clothes and both sets of armour altered. Maybe I can find some herbs there to buy, I want to try making different variations of healing potions to see if some work better than others. I wonder if I can get the ingredients for that ‘shadow form’ potion? I’m really curious about what that does. Is it the same as my shadow magic? Maybe Ali’s made it before.

Mor just sniffed me and sneezed. Bath, I need a bath.

Dear Theo,

Today is your birthday, according to Keys. Happy Birthday. I left a present for you at your old house. I doubt you’ll ever see it. I didn’t even know when your birthday was. I never asked. Isn’t that something that friends know? I can’t even remember if you asked about mine. You probably did, but I never knew it. I know it now. It’s the 17th of Frost Fall. That means I was born under the sign of the Tower. Apparently that makes me good at finding gold and picking locks. Can’t really argue with that. Though I wish I found more gold. It’s hard feeding so many animals, and now Ter’s gone it’ll be harder. Ali had to re-break my hand today. I didn’t think it through, how am I supposed to hunt with one hand?

My hand… I doubt you even realised how much damage you did. It was broken in seven places. It hurts. Not as much as

Ter’s gone to a summit meeting thing for the guild. He’s going to be gone for two or three weeks. I didn’t realise, without him and without you, I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I tried to talk to Seri last night but there were always other people, and I think he has enough problems of his own. I slept there last night, I didn't want to be alone.

I’m trying to find a new home for Bugloss and Honey. I wonder what you expected me to do with them. Was I supposed to keep them forever? Do you even want them anymore? If you wanted them, you should have taken them. You had plenty of chances. I’m going to find them a good home, don’t worry. Are you even worried?

I was in the Gold Coast the other day. I didn’t see you there, but then I didn’t expect you to. You would have gotten mad. I look different now, too. You’d probably be able to smell that it’s me, though or something. Or would you? You’ve got a terrible sense of smell.

Keys said you don’t hate me, but I don’t believe that. How could you not? I don’t hate you. I know I should, but I don’t. I miss you. I want to stop missing you.

I need to stop writing these stupid non-letters.

Ter’s gone and I don’t have anyone to talk to. I tried to talk to Seri again today, but he was high as soon as he was off duty. I don’t think I’ll try again. I did end up yelling at him, he gave Kash and I big speeches about how we were ruining our lives with alcohol and he’s doing the same fucking thing. I doubt he listened.

Thorn’s back, apparently. I find it hard to believe it’s him. Didn’t even have to see him to know it probably wasn’t the real deal, told Bethany to get him the fuck out of town. First time I’ve ever pulled rank. Thankfully they listened, and they took him to her place, officially he’s banished. I expect Kash will argue against it, but she wasn’t in town today. Looking at it realistically, people don’t survive having clannfear, a hunger and a deadroth bearing down on them, especially if you’re weaponless, and THEN spend a month in the deadlands alone. Bullshit. Thorn’s dead. Whatever’s there is a daedra in his skin. Or if he’s really Thorn, his brain’s been addled and they’re using him. Or even worse, he made a deal with Dagon. Either way, I’m not gonna let their love for who Thorn was be the reason the heart tree is used to make a portal and Dagon walks on Nirn. Thorn wasn’t even that good of a guard, everybody said it, until he died anyway.

Which reminds me, Afer didn’t even know silver affected daedra. Wasn’t he a Steward at one point? Shouldn’t he have know that? I wonder if he was drunk the whole time he had that position.

We had a training session, Fedris had to arrest me. Pretend to, I mean. I had to fight back. He did a great job, even when my shadow magic acted up and I just… appeared a few feet to the left. I wish I knew how that happened, it’s not what I meant. Then of course I got carried away and re-broke another of the bones in my hand. Ali’d just reset them too, so I fixed it myself. Idiot. Made myself throw up. I’ve healed it again now, I need to be better at not using it or I’m gonna fuck up my hand properly.

I took painkillers and got drunk and had some crazy dreams. I think I hugged Theo and Keys, but most of it was blurry. When I came back to town Seri and Gilyn were high and fucking about with that Thris Altmer. I shouldn’t have gotten involved, but I did get to punch him. I’m getting better at punching. I talked to Amae, offered her a place to stay in the cavern, she’s dealing with a lot. She agreed to go see Ali for therapy thank fuck, cause I don’t know how to help her. She fell asleep in the guard hall though, so I left Ruvy to watch her. I went to tell Seri and that’s when he was wasted and I yelled at him. I ended up letting Thris stay the night in the cavern. Probably shouldn’t have, I barely know him, but he does seem to care even if he comes across as a skeeze. He was gone by the time I woke up and nothing seems to be missing, besides, even if he was gonna try something, I have four adult, overprotective senche here… and one overprotective kitten. Ruvy is in town, and Void is with Ter and Moon is… well… Moon.

I still need to find a place for Honey and Bugloss, I don’t want them to stay here. Maybe I should convince Llevis tomorrow, if I can find him.

I’m gonna go wallow in the hot spring for a while.

Today was one of those hell days. I’m gonna try and keep it short.

Boris is with her dad, but we don’t know if she’s there willingly or not. Sun came back to the cavern, so I spent the day looking for Boris but couldn’t find her. In town I saw Al, who was a mess. He’s put up a wanted poster for Boris and seemed jumpy. Lu is also gonna help keep an eye out, but I doubt we’ll be able to find her. Sun is unharmed but really depressed, he just lies and stares at the portal waiting for her to come back. Ruvy spends most of her time with him. I’m sure Ter would know what to do to cheer him up.

Lu is also helping with the ‘Thorn’ issue, she offered to search town for any portal stones and she’s going to get everyone to keep an eye out. She was already aware of it all, and is going to be running tests herself and keeping us informed. She was really helpful today, I feel like I can rely on her. Maybe Ter did make the right call.

And then we had to chain Rasad up in the clinic. Seems he’d gotten a concussion somehow and lost his memory and sight. He was so out of it he fell down the ladder trying to leave and didn’t remember even being taken up there. Estre was going to look into it, but she needed help from another mage so I left a note for Amelie. Bethany, I assume, will be too occupied with ‘Thorn’.

I needed to be around people so I went to Seri’s place. Gilyn said he saw a ghost in town today. Male Dunmer with squinty eyes and a strand of bones on his face. Fucking hell. I would have thought it was just a prank except neither Seri or Gil were around for the siege. Gil said he can see ghosts all the time, including Tatan at their place. Apparently he was standing by the table while I was there. I’m not sure how much I believe it, but… I don’t know how he could have known about Tarethis otherwise. Either way, I knew I’d sleep shite if I didn’t know, so I got him to come around and look around the cave. No ghosts. Thank fuck.


I think Gil and Seri are hooking up. Or going to. Or want to. I’ve already warned Gil that I didn’t want to have to keep another friend seperate like I do with Kash and Estre. I dunno if he got the message, but they seem happy for now and Seri hasn’t been freaking out to me like he had been with Kash.

Thris didn’t come back to the cave tonight, I was a little worried he’d misinterpreted a one-night invitation to more, but nope. Amae also didn’t take me up on the offer to stay here. I’m glad, though she could have stayed if she needed, I like having the space to myself. Though it does feel emptier without Ter, it’s not too bad. All the senche and wolves help, I imagine. Now Sun’s back I’ve got another mouth to feed and still a stupid sore and broken hand. Hopefully Gil does help like he said he might.

Seri wants a wolf, I might go tomorrow to the breeders Ruvy and Void came from and see if they can suggest anything. I can ask them for tips on how to help Sun, too.

Such a hectic two days, I don’t even know where to start. I wish I’d written down what happened yesterday because it’s all a blur.

I spoke to Kash about Thorn yesterday and it went better than I expected, she didn’t seem to be holding out hope, but then today she said she just wants to help him get better. She’s accepted it’s him then. I don’t have to worry about her being biased in her judgement of the banishment, at least, because she quit. Seri said she’ll be leaving on loredas. I thought I’d convinced her to stay, but after talking to me she talked to Seri. He doesn’t want her job, I know that, he’d have preferred her to step up to the job, but that doesn’t seem to be what she wants. Seems after everything, she can’t stand the sight of Seri now. I really didn’t think they were that close, I shouldn’t have told her Seri was close with Gilyn, but I suppose she would have found out Seri had moved on some way or another. I can’t force her to stay, but I’ll miss her.

I’m scared Seri’s gonna try to make me Major, I hope he’s not that stupid. At least he knows when he fucks up, I’ll tell him. He sparred with Keys and didn’t hold back and really hurt her, she was actually scared of him. They’ve talked now, and it seems that things are fine between them. Seri realised he fucked up. I also got him to talk to Ali. I think he misinterpreted why I sent him there, Ali’s gonna… what was it? Fill him up with healing potions and then bleed him out? To help with the withdrawals, but I want him to talk to Ali to help with his nightmares. We’ll see, I guess.

Gilyn owes me a favour, and is a dirty cheater. Future note: He does not like to be tickled.

The Rose Garden place was boring. Kash and I went in masks hoping it would be more of an underground den, that’s how the flyer made it sound, and what Kash heard from the Bosmer who runs it. But everyone was there as themselves, ordering drinks and talking and gambling. It didn’t feel any different from the tavern. I suppose something might have happened after I left, and I probably wasn’t in the right mood for it all anyway.

Bethany healed Rasad of a clot in his brain or something, but his memory is still out of whack, so we’ve kept him in the cell for now. Though she wants to take custody to help him, I said a bunch of people would have to agree to that, and she might end up warding him into the clinic anyway. I don’t think she’d do anything, but no way am I just gonna hand over someone vulnerable to someone I barely know and say ‘here! Go experiment with magical cures for memory loss, what could go wrong?’ She seemed to understand that, at least.

Lu ran a training session for the guild and from what I saw, seemed to do a really good job. Rel too. Ter would be proud, I think.

Ali said the runt, Bembe, is getting fatter, and gets along with his daughter and is being spoiled rotten. I’m glad. Llevis came and took Bugloss and Honey tonight. I cried as soon as he left. I’m glad they’re gone, I wasn’t giving them the attention they need and I know Llevis will spoil them rotten… probably take better care of them than Theo did. It was just… that was it. I don’t have any presents from Theo, I don’t have any of his stuff, and I don’t have any of his pets. It’s all gone. The scars he gave me are all gone now, too. So I don’t think there’s any physical reminders of him left in my life. Objectively I know that’s a good thing, but it still sucks. I didn’t want to be alone, so I went to Seri’s house and fell asleep by the fire until he got off duty.

We talked a bit, he threw up. Then Gilyn came, followed by Keys and Thris and… fucking… Tarethis’ ghost. I still had doubts but I told Gil to pass messages and say things that only Tarethis would have known. Fucking hell. I think he’s even dirtier as a ghost than when he was alive. I had to cover Keys’ ears. She and I left, after a while, I thought we’d gotten rid of him for good but noooooooooo. Fucking ghosts. I hate them. The dead should stay gone. The animals helped me move the silver cage so it’s around the portal. I don’t even know if ghosts can use portals, but there’s not gonna be a Tarethis hanging around watching me while I”m bathing any time soon. Ugh.

I nearly forgot, I got a wolf for Seri, though he’s gonna take some work. I forgot what his full name is, but Seri calls him Ham. They’ve made a lot of progress already, the trainer was right, I think they bonded well. And he doesn’t growl at me when I’m just walking around the cavern anymore, which is nice. Ruvy and Sun just cling to him, and the senche love him too. I think he’ll be well enough to go to Seri’s in a week or so… assuming they don’t keep getting a stupid amount of visitors anyway. And then, getting him used to town will be another hurdle all together. Still, he was free and we’ll take care of him. Which reminds me, the doe Gil caught yesterday has been devoured, time to go hunting. It’ll be a lot easier when my hand stops hurting.

This journal was added to over a few days.

Need to talk to:

Lu**
Seri
Gilyn - call in favour
Ali or Estre, or both.
Fedris
Luc?
Keys probably
Bethany - portal thingys


To do:

Clean out house
Firewood
New sheets
Healing supplies
Groceries


I spoke to everyone on the list. I don’t need to worry about Ter. Of course I still do, but he’s got plenty of friends to look out for him. He doesn’t need me. He’s better off without me.

I’m sure now, that I made the right decision. I feel more like myself than I have in a long time, especially since I quit the guard. It’s like the weight of this whole fucking town has been lifted from my shoulders. I’m back to drinking vodka, and I can’t tell if it’s because I like it after all, or if it’s just cause it’s stronger and cheaper than mead.

I found a place in Wayrest I want. It’s a good city to have a home in.
It’s got everything, even a den. With the added bonus of not being in Valenwood. No Y’ffre to turn me into a spriggan. Now I just need to get the deed. Keys is gonna help me with that, I think. I mean, I could just do it myself, but where’s the fun in that?

Seri’s been quite sick. Now I’ve got my own shit sorted out… mostly, I can be a better friend to him. I went over last night and fell asleep patting Hrota, talked to Seri a lot after he woke up from a nightmare. I think it helped us both, even though we didn’t really talk about anything important. Gossip, mostly, about other people. When I first met him, I never would have guessed he’d turn out to be such a good friend. I hope he can sort things out with Gil though. I really don’t get why people keep falling in love with him. Seri, that is. That’s three now. Seriously, I don’t get it. He’s too… Seri.

Either way, I’m also glad I can go over there to steal their food and pat the kittens when I need company.

Seri and Keys. They’re the two I’ve got left in town. The list used to be so much longer. Seri, I can probably tell anything. Keys… I’ll filter stuff for Keys, she’s too young. After all, it’s not like I want her turning out like me.

Thris has potential to be another on that list. He says he doesn’t want to get close to people, and after some of the things I learned today I can understand why. He says that, but he still sought me out to talk. It’s clear the sleaze thing is just an act, I’m not sure what it’s hiding yet. He feels trustworthy… in the same kind of way Tarethis was trustworthy. He won’t sell me to slavers but I wouldn’t lend him coin. At the very least he seems like a friend I can be *me* around, not the me that most people in Vulk expect me to be. Plus, his butt’s nice to look at when he wears those little shorts when he spars.

I thought I was over it already, though looking at it logically that would have been a miracle. ‘Never have I ever used fire magic.’ Bleh.

Bethany found a wolf that was hurt by Daedra. She’s gorgeous. I almost asked if she wanted me to take her in, but it was clear they’re pretty attached to each other already, and honestly I don’t need another mouth to feed. I fixed her up, but I think she had a bit of an infection. Bethany will get me out there if she gets worse, though, or Ali. Poor mutt.

I was just going to go home and get drunk, but talking to Benny outside the tavern helped, and then Thris came to see me, probably because I’d pissed him off at the Rose Garden, or he actually cares… never did clarify why he came over. Either way I talked to him a lot too. They both helped, in different ways.

Seri and I have a lot more in common than I’d ever have guessed. I went over cause Ham went missing, to find them holed up together. We talked for a while, then had a nap, and that helped too.

Funny, finding comfort in three different male Altmer. Are there just a lot of them around at the moment, or am I developing another ‘type’? I guess we’ll see if I suddenly start becoming interested in Adsomar. Unlikely.

Shouldn’t have asked Lu how he was doing.

Seri and Gil nearly died. Or rather, Gil *did* die, for a while apparently.

Left Ruvy, Traps and Fits there, cause he was scared.

What am I doing? I need to get out of this forest. I wanted to take Keys with me to get the deed, but I’m just gonna do it myself.

Notes to self:

-Gets-Caught-In-Traps is well-named.

-When confronting someone you think is attacking your friend, DRAW YOUR FUCKING SWORDS. Do NOT attempt to tackle a fucking seven-foot-something Altmer. You are a tiny Bosmer and it WON’T WORK.

-On a similar note don’t rely on being able to shadowstep when you drained your magicka the night before, or you’ll end up giving a werewolf a bear hug.

-Also, werewolves don’t appreciate bear hugs.

-Also, also, DON’T CHARGE AT A WEREWOLF WHEN YOU’RE NOT WEARING ARMOUR AND YOU’VE GOT ONE BROKEN HAND.

-Also, also, also, buy Thris something pretty for not leaving your sorry ass to die.

-Also, al-whatever, Thris is a really good kisser.


(Added later:)

The problem with a trio, is that when it comes to pairing off, someone always gets left out.


The universe has a habit of taking away the ones I’m comfortable talking to, right when I actually need to talk. But I shouldn’t be surprised, everybody leaves. This was a good reminder.

Thris is right, I should talk to Ali, I know I should, but I won’t. My entire being can be summed up in one simple word: Hypocrite.

He *is* a really good kisser, though.

I’ve got a feeling in my gut. Something bad’s gonna happen in Vulk. Seri thinks it might’ve been a vampire messing with me when I slept, maybe, but into the cavern, without alerting the animals? Why? Just to… give me a bad dream? Even knowing what happened at Seri’s place that doesn’t make sense. None of it does.

My first instinct was to get the hell out but… what if it’s another siege, or plague? Would I just leave everyone behind? I’m going to stay alert, snoop around, try and find out what it was. I feel like I should warn people. But what the fuck am I supposed to say? I had a nightmare and now I feel like Vulk’s a dangerous place… keep an eye out? Yeah right. Though… Ter would have believed it. He would have done stuff, even if it was just to make me feel better. Though I guess the plans I made with Seri are like that too. I need to get better wards put up around my new place, and get a copy of that key made.

Need to get more contacts in Wayrest, I’m starting from scratch. The people I used to know out here are long gone, though it’s hardly surprising.

At least I know I have things worth protecting Vulk for. I spoke to Ter, and I think we have a shot at being friends again, I hope we do.
Though all this talk about Steel has me thinking of Theo again, I shouldn’t have written that stupid letter. I got hammered at the Rose Garden and I swear someone sounded just like him. I had to get the fuck out of there.

I talked to Thris, I think I get where I stand with him now. I do trust him, even if he can be an ass. But then, I can be an ass too.

And I made up with Seri, I don’t know if things will ever go back to what they were, but we’re friends. That’s all that matters. Now I just have to make sure he doesn’t find out what I did.

I think I’ve got everything ready:

Food for the senche and Ruvy.
House is barricaded.
Valuables stashed.
Fires and candles are out.
Animals in cavern.
Letters delivered.
Bag packed.
Backup in place.
Bathed.
Wounds dressed.
Clean clothes.


This isn’t going to be pretty.

This entry is written in a very shaky hand, the lines are crooked.

Yesterday I regretted turning myself in to the public cells. There were so many people crowding, just down here because it was the damn place to be. The gawkers scared off all the people I actually would have liked to keep me company. Terrance, in particular, just wouldn’t fucking piss off.

Kash’s in the cell next to me. She screams a lot.

But being where I am, means I can’t avoid the people that really want to help me. Ali, Amae, Keys, Thris, Steel, Mirkan. Even the Inspector seemed to give a shit. He complimented me. I think, in the Inspector’s world, that means we’re married now. Ter wanted to talk to me, I could tell, but he’d know how much I hate to be crowded. I’m glad he gave me space, even if I do wish I could explain myself to him. Gil too, said he’d come back some other time. To yell at me though. I’d deserve it.

When I got that letter, I was ready to give up again. I was so damn close to just letting myself out of the cell. But Thris made me hesitate, and got me to eat something. Knowing he doesn’t hate me, that maybe… maybe we can be friends again. It helped. And Keys stayed down with me for… it must have been hours. Not really talking about anything important, just talking. I’m sure she knows how much that helps.

And then Mirkan came last night. I wasn’t expecting that. She did catch me, after all. She called me ‘widdle’ for most of the time, but at the end, when I called her a friend, she gave me the nickname ‘Brave.’ I think if I still had tears in me I would have cried. She says I’m brave for being in the cell, even though I hate being trapped. Brave for getting rid of the ‘poison.’ What did she say? ‘Clean poison. Fix friends…’ I can’t remember the rest, but she said it like it should be the simplest, easiest thing in the world. She offered me wings, but I only took the coin. Something to fiddle with.

Maybe when I get out, I’ll join the guard again. Assuming he lets me in. Assuming he doesn’t just keep me locked in here till he feels like he’s gotten his revenge. We’ll see.

I don’t think I’ll be able to write a proper entry for a while, I’m going to try and get some sleep. This is gonna be rough. But at least there’s hope.

A note was added:

I remember it, it was: "Stop being a skoomer. Fix friends. Stop doing the hurtings."

Hurts. Everything hurts. Can’t keep still. Shaking. Can’t sleep. Anxious. Sweating. Hurts. Head hurts. Skin huts. Everything hurts.

Staying at Seri’s, he came to get me out of the cell yesterday. Mor freaked out and went and got him. I’m glad she did. I didn’t realise how much being in there was making me freak out. I’m getting food down now, and got a bit of sleep, though probably would have gotten more if he hadn’t insisted on using me as a fucking teddy bear.

Today I’m a lot better. Better than I thought I’d be. I still feel like crap but not as bad as I was in the cell. I’m clean at least, fresh clothes too. I still want it, bad. But… I don’t think I’m in danger of doing anything stupid. There are too many people who’d be disappointed in me if I did, and I’ve gotten past the worst of it I think. The potions help. Maybe Seri will actually let me head into town a bit tomorrow.

I can’t stay here though, something about seeing them together makes me uncomfortable. I’m not sure why. I don’t want him like that, I don’t want anybody like that. A reminder that I always fuck it up, maybe. Or of what I can’t have. Or maybe it’s just that I can’t be alone here. There are five people here tonight, not including me, two wolves, four senche… and two birds, I guess. Too many, I won’t be able to sleep. Can’t leave, either, without them freaking out about it. So I’m just sitting here. At least the rain let up a bit.

Why did that freak me out? It’s not like anything like that bothers me. So why did I start panicking? I felt like I was back in that cage. Couldn’t breathe. Ears ringing. Why? I don’t understand.

I mean, fucking hell, I *cried* over that. What the fuck? Is my body just giving me crazy emotions because of the withdrawals? I hope that’s all it is. Even Amae being happy to see me in the tavern made me uncomfortable. Why? Is any kind of affection going to make me panic now? Did I fuck everything up that badly that I just can’t handle it any more?

I’m starting a friendship over with one, can’t even talk to the other one without being scared I’ll say the wrong thing. It makes me want to be alone, but I know that’s the worst thing for me to do as well. So I’ll just fucking sit here and wait for someone to come unlock this fucking gate.

I wasn’t expecting Grandpa to come himself when I sent the letter, but I’m glad. I trust him. They’re both asleep now, I might get my supplies and restock my potions while I watch over them. Maybe learn… what was it Steel wanted? Fortify restoration? I’ll have to look it up.

Last night… gods I never would have expected it. Seri’s an idiot, I need to remember to smack him over the head when he wakes up. But what Steel did… He said the shadows consumed me. Consumed. That was the word he used. He burned them out of me.

I should have known. I should have known they were hurting me. Idiot. He taught me how to do it, after all. It was the only thing I kept. Now I need to make sure I never use it again. How? Can I block it? Can Steel teach me to use that light?

I need to talk to Steel, and Seri. Seri deserves the full story. Thris knows the most. I’m worried about him. I hope he’s okay.

I need to remember to smack Gil over the head too. Fucking hell. And explain to Mirkan why she shouldn’t explode things. And ask Si what he was talking about last time. But I’ll make my potions for now, I feel like we’re gonna need them.

<added later>

Well that was fucking unexpected. Today was a very good day.

A list of idiots:

Gilyn
Si
Steel
Seri
Gilyn
Wraesha
Rax
Gilyn

Can I write Gilyn’s name a hundred times?


Why is it always the nice ones? Why is it never the ones that actually deserve it? At least there’s a silver lining. I’m actually kind of jealous of that silver lining. Doesn’t mean I want it, though.

A reminder that having friends is fucking hard. When this slaver shit is resolved, I need to go visit Theo. Hopefully spend a night just the two of us, talking and drinking, like we used to. We’ve got so much to catch up on, so much lost time.

At least there’s something nice to come home to. It makes everything more bearable, it helps that Wayrest, and the new place in Vulk, feels more like home than the cavern did. The cavern works better for parties, and as a safehouse. But it’s too big for one person, and the senche and Ruvy have plenty of space at the new place. I never thought I’d live in a pod, but I probably shouldn’t be surprised that Bosmer stuff would grow on me… being one and everything. It’s just nice and simple, and my alchemy garden is still in the cavern.

And I’m a sergeant-major now. An officer. It’s just me and Reliza. I swear I’m not gonna have any patience for petty shite until the slavers get dealt with.

Seri, Thris, Steel, Gil, Si, Keys, Ter, Theo. I need to remind myself that there’s actually a list of people who care, who I can completely be myself around. And of course, Ruvy, Mor, Jasiir, Bugs, Fits and Traps.

And Rax wants to hurt Gil. I won’t let that happen. They’re my people, they’re my family. I can’t care enough to feel that way about the whole town, but I sure as fuck am going to care about them.

I mean. Fuck. Chocolate cake.

I had the choice today. The town, or one of my people. I chose my people. I don’t regret it.

It was so good to see him again. Everything went back to normal so easily for us. He couldn’t help, though, but then I didn’t really expect him to be able to. He has children, I figured it was best just to avoid that topic. I’ve learned today there are just some things I don’t want to know. Plausible deniability is a fantastic thing. And either way, it doesn’t change how I feel, or who I care about, so why press for answers that just make things uncomfortable?

Funny to find out he’d screw me, though. Hah. I don’t think I’ll be taking him up on that offer… Well, maybe… Nah.

The way I wrote that makes it look like I’m talking about one person, if I wasn’t a paranoid fuck I’d start writing names like I used to. But people have seen my journal, and some secrets aren’t mine to share. Besides, if I forget who it’s about, then it wasn’t important enough to remember.

I wonder if he'll come back at all.

The list keeps growing, but I can care enough for them.

Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ter, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Jasiir, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota.

Nobody’s here, but someone was. There’s a wrecked pie in the kitchen. I wonder if they talked. I hope he’s okay, but nothing else was out of place, and I did say I wouldn’t panic.

More running around, today. I got the books to Gil, hopefully they help. Had more rings made, set up my new place some more, and organising the presents. A shame Bethany hasn’t been around, I might have saved a lot of gold. Oh well.

I’m exhausted. I need to sleep, but I don’t think I’ll be able to, not until I know. Was it a mistake to send that message? Should I have just sent him to Theo? But Nasir has better experience in this. I thought he would have stuck around to get the address.

Time to take a sleeping potion, I think.

(post was delayed to avoid spoilers)

Pretty sure I’ve written this in here before. The dead should fucking stay dead.

South of Narsis, Redolant Loam region of Deshaan. Shadowfen border.

Too many people want to help. Most too reckless. Need people who can keep their heads.

Steel, Lucia, Lu, Ter, Ali. Kash?

Seri was right, Keys shouldn’t go. She can handle herself, I know, but there will be things there, I’m sure, that a kid shouldn’t see.

Should give Reliza a chance to go, there should be a guard there after all, and he deserves a chance to prove himself.

Except we went and did that stupid test and now I can’t walk. I’m glad I punched Quiver, and I’m glad he got why. I want to punch Steel now, too though. Maybe I got him good enough, I’ll see how funny he’s walking when I see him next.

I’m glad things are normal with Seri again. He called me his best friend… inadvertently, but I’m not gonna let him live that down. He’s on the list, he’s stuck with me now. They all are.

Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ter, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Jasiir, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota.

Tempted to take Steel off of it out of spite, though. Jerk. My leg hurts. Maybe I’ll just buy a wolfsbane perfume to make him sneeze.

I underestimated how much it was a part of me. How much I needed it. Relied on it. Who am I without it? What can I do?

The bracelets work. Too well. There is a void in me now, where it used to be. The darkness is gone and yet I don’t feel better. I feel empty. Vulnerable.

But they cost me Thris. And very nearly Seri and Steel. They can probably be blamed for what happened with Theo… and Ter, too. How long have they been sabotaging my life without me knowing? But yet, how many times have they saved me? I cannot fight without them. I don’t know how.

I feel like I am standing naked in front of the world, harsh lights exposing every inch of me, every flaw and fault. Every sign of weakness. Every sin. For the first time since I was fifteen, I am truly visible.

Shadows are a magnificent gift to control, to weave. The dark conceals and protects, cool and calm, quiet, safe. They swirl, and writhe, and dance. But they take as much as they give. Take, take, take. Bits of soul, bits of me, forever lost in the darkness.

I miss them already. I miss them more than skooma. I miss them more than Thris.

Anrim, wherever the fuck he is now, would be laughing, I’m sure.

I finally taught Kash where babies come from. If she listened. I’m glad we talked, though, even if that scared her off.

Half the town went to rescue Sura, it was bad. I don’t know if anyone came out of it unscathed, Seri couldn’t even talk about it. Seeing the wounds, I’m not all that surprised.

I need to talk to Ter about Disenyl and J’Varr, it’s getting ridiculous. She’s clearly unable to control her emotions, a Fighters’ Guild member should know how to properly triage instead of worrying about a damn tail. “Do you know how important tails are?” Why yes, Disenyl, yes I do, do you know how important it is for people not to bleed out? There’s no way she should be going into combat, and J’Varr’s just as bad, without the excuse of trauma. I’m not even going to go into what Adsomar supposedly did.

I had to officially pardon Nammu, I hadn’t even thought of that till he was being harrassed in the tavern. By Disenyl and J’Varr of course. They seem to conveniently forget that if it wasn’t for him, she’d still be stuck in Morrowind with a bar of soap sewed in her mouth. I don’t even know why I give a shit about Nammu, I shouldn’t give a shit, but I do. Hard to forget some things.

It all made me think, I’m the second in command, but rank-wise there’s still such a gap. Seri needs a major, and who else is gonna fucking do it? Fedris left. Gil’s out. Amae’s out. Major Reliza? Major Thris? No. I told Seri I’d do it. He’s promoting me. I guess it’s up to me to make sure it’s not a mistake. Though I kind of can’t wait to see the look on Wraesha’s face.

I didn’t sleep last night, looking after all these idiot mer. They’re all idiots, but they’re my idiots. But I needed a bath, and now I need to sleep. If they die because I’m not there for a few hours, then that’s just how it has to be.

Seri, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ter, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Jasiir, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota... and that fucking bat.

… and Thris. Still Thris.

I should really go home, but wanted to take a moment. The forest is so calm tonight. I feel like there was something I meant to do, but I forgot. I think I’ve just been walking in a haze for the last hour. I feel like there’s something I’m supposed to be mad about, but I don't remember. Strange. Oh well.

So much has been happening between Amae and Seri and the slavers and Nammu and the Rose Garden and my stupid fucking leg. I need to remember to take time to breathe now and then. A holiday might be good, but I’m getting promoted tomorrow, so, unlikely.

Kash followed me to talk again, I’m glad. I hope she keeps doing it. She needs someone to talk to. I should visit her at home, sometime. Thris hitting on Kashya though, I had to take it seriously in the moment because I want her to keep talking to me, but thinking back on it, I want to laugh. I wonder what he did? I wonder what she’s gonna do about it?

Thris is just a whole other thing, though. I got weird today, and it took me a long time to figure out why, but I think I get it now. I don’t know if he believed me. That whole thing is a wait and see for me. I know what I want, but there’s been so much uncertainty. Maybe I can take a day off and take him with me, so we can sort it out. Or maybe we’d just end up fighting. I don’t know, anymore, not having expectations seems to be the safest route. At least it’ll be funny if he hooks up with Kash.

I’m still so empty. There’s so much of me gone now. I didn’t realise until the shadows were gone too. I’m trying to fill that gap. Trying to care more, about everyone. Pulling aside Amae and Kash and Keys and Luc and Seri and letting everyone know that I’m there for them. I’m not sure yet, if it’s working. But it’s something to do.

Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ter, Ali, Kash, Mirkan, Amae.
Ruvy, Mor, Jasiir, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota.

How much can a heart take before it kills you? How long can you feel emotions like this without dying? There has to be a limit. At some point, something has to break.

First Jasiir, and Wraesha and Anrim.
Then Thris.
Now…

He loved me. I never knew. How did I never know? Did he even know that I’d broken up with Ter? Would it have changed anything?

I would have, I think, made an exception for him. He wasn’t bad, for a human. I think I could hav
I shouldn’t write about that.

He deserved so much better. I should have stopped him. I should have argued. I should have thought of something else. But it’s too late, now. He’s gone. He was free, but now he’s gone to Hircine forever. He deserved so much better.

I’m sorry, Dreuth. I never got you that drink.

A note was slipped between the journal pages, written in a different hand:

'Wren -

I heard you offer yourself. I may get the chance to argue with you, but just in case, I'm hoping you read this.

I'm sorry for everything. I was in love with you, once. Had it not been for Ter I would've pursued - or at least tried to - but things never got that far. I still love you.

After I attacked you, it hasn't been the same. I feel distanced from that place, and I can't look at you without remembering the way you looked at me, that day. I'm hoping I get to see you smile just once more, beforehand, but I'm doing this. Even if I have to drag you away. I know you care about them, and they about you, but they don't care about me.

Don't give up, darlin'. Stop running. You're worth far more than my life ever will be.

- Dre'

I have Dre’s ring, the one I gave him. I’m wearing it on a strip of leather, I should get a proper chain for it next time I’m out. It’s too big for me to wear, maybe on my thumb? But I don’t want to lose it.

Talking to Seri today helped a lot. He’s right, I have to focus on what I have and what I can do - not what I’ve lost. I can’t help Thris, right now, as much as I hate to stay away. I have to let the healers do their work, and trust that Estre isn’t going to fall in love with *every* Altmer in town. I don’t understand why she was so short with me today, I’d thought we were on good terms. Either way, the bottom line is I want him to be happy, and right now he doesn’t seem to be happy with me there. I’ll wait. I can send little gestures, to show him I haven’t forgotten, and I’ll wait.

So I will focus on taking care of myself. I need to get a hold of my emotions, I’m so damn volatile. I need to mourn Jasiir and Dreuth and stop blaming myself for both of them. Now my leg is healing better, I need to start stretching it out slowly, so the muscles don’t scar up. But I still need to rest the stab wound. I need to go hunting. I need to learn how to fight without shadow magic. I need to restock my supply of potions and send more over to Steel’s clinic. I need to practice Turn Undead, and learn a calming spell.

I can’t let myself stagnate. I’m all that Mor has, now. She needs me.

Maybe I’ll visit Kash, tomorrow, I think I remember where she lives. I should apologise that she’s been forced into this mess twice now with Thris. Fuck, I wonder if she read the letter. At least I remembered to rip off the section about Steel. I’ll take her some oranges.

Maybe I should touch base with everyone on my list. I haven’t spoken to Theo or Ali for a while. Maybe I can take Theo out on a date one night.

Fuck, I need to tell people about Dre. Fuck. Fuck I need to tell Kash.

Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ter, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota.

I think I need to be resigned to the fact that I’ve lost Thris. I knew that I shouldn’t have let myself love him. I knew from the start it would be a mess. But I took the chance and now where has it got me?

I can’t tell if he’s decided it’s over because he thinks he knows what’s best for me, and he’s scared of hurting me - or if he really can’t see past the fact I killed Friess… or, is responsible for, I didn’t actually get the killing blow. I wish I did, I get all the blame for it. I guess that’s what I need to wait to find out.

I know he still loves me. And I love him. Everything else would be worth it if I could just… have a week with him, together, being happy. Fuck, when did I turn into this lovestruck fool? I didn’t even get this soppy for Ter. What’s wrong with me? I just don’t know what it is about Thris that’s different. Seri asked me ‘what draws me to him,’ I never really looked at it like that. We really are terrible for each other, we’re both so hot-headed and stubborn. But when it’s good, it’s good. The problem is, it’s so rarely good.

I’ll keep hoping. But just hope, not expectation. I can’t stand the heartache, and I need to get my shit together.

This whole necromancer thing… Fucking hell. I want to stab something. Well, someone in particular. Need more information.

I buried Dreuth’s ashes today, in the cavern. I probably should have asked other people, Kash and Seri and Steel would have come at least, but I didn’t want other people there. Call me selfish, I guess. I’ll tell them where it is, and take them there if they like. Maybe we can have like… a public wake? No, he’d hate that idea. Besides, who really knew him that well except for me and Ter and Kash?

I put flowers on it, tomorrow I’ll get a headstone. I’ll let that area grow wild, where his bedroom used to be. And he can see the sky, from there. I still wish that I’d had more time with him, before it happened. I wish I’d got to talk to him more, but I’m at peace with it. I have to be. There’s nothing that can be done, now.

On a more cheerful note, I made Lust blush. I need to mess with him more, it’s entertaining.

Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ter, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Jasiir, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota.

To remember: Nira, Jasiir, Dreuth.

A to do list for the guard:

1. Re-do all the locks. This should be done quarterly.
2. Hide the soul gem for the warded cell. Make a new key for it so only the major and marshal can access. Keys should only be attuned as needed. Invest in a proper fucking lock, not a cheap one.
3. Seri said he wanted new cells? Fundraising.
4. Revise the manual?
5. Add possession and magical influence (i.e. charming people) to town laws. Draft up for proposal. As well as endangering town? Need to talk to Seri about that.
6. … I was gonna write something here but I patted Mor and now I’ve forgotten. OH right, get a fuckin’ lock for the guard hall. Nobody needs to go in there except guards anyway, unless they’re invited in for a meeting.

Flipping through I found some old alchemy notes:

Root tendrils & giants blood?

Coda Flower - levitate - what the fuck?
Bitter coast - Vvardenfell.

Tuck Nightshade into armour to sneak & hide better. Weird.

Somnalius Fern - Black Marsh, hard to harvest but great for putting people to sleep. Breathe in scent. How potent would it be if you ate it?

Domica Redwort - makes you prettier if you wear it. Wot?

‘Shadow form’ potion - pure water, nectar, malachite, black rose.

Shadow form potion. Well, this I need to try now. I wonder if it’s something that’d do the same as shadow magic, but without the soul-stealing effect.

Need to try it on our little outing.


Wraesha admitted to another attempted-murder. When will it be enough? How many people does she have to hurt before we free ourselves of her selfishness?

Here is an honest account of all the crimes that I know Wraesha to have been involved in:

-Attempted to sell a soul gem, holding the soul of Ulundil, a civilian who she had employed for The Magpies. She did not put his soul in the gem, or kill him, but sought to take advantage of his suffering. Her opinion did not change when I informed her that Ulu could still be aware and suffering in the gem, stating that her need was greater than his soul, because she needed gold.
-Used Vulkwasten as the base for her smuggling operation, The Magpies. She admitted to smuggling skooma, as well as aylied artifacts.
-Sold skooma directly to at least one townsperson, (Me, in disguise, acting on behalf of the guard).
-Shot me with her crossbow during an attack on the town, which I allowed myself to believe was an accident at the time.
-Paid somebody to give skooma-laced wine to me, in an attempt to discredit me, and cause suffering.
-When the town was under siege, she took advantage of the Fighers’ Guild members clearing a path for supplies, and smuggled skooma into Anvil. She also involved Keys in this, a child, and had her wait for the buyer with the bottles.
-When I discovered the above and announced that I would tell the town what she’d done, she shot her crossbow at me and hit Keys. She then fired again with the intention to kill, hitting me only an inch or two from my heart.
-While in a cell for skooma peddling and use, she sold information about me to her debt collector, which led to me being taken by mercenaries in an attempt to sell me on the Gold Coast.
-Took payment from her debt collector for getting me hooked on skooma again. While I am uncertain how she accomplished that, she did take credit, and a reduction of 15,000 from her debt.
-Was brought to where I was sitting, clearly charmed, by the same debt collector. When threatened, she followed instructions to remove bracelets from my wrists that were protecting me from him. This allowed him to take me away and control me, almost resulting in my death.



So, Wraesha is going to be executed. It was strange to see everyone crying over it, when all I could feel was relief. How many times has she tried to screw over my life, or people I care about, because she ‘had no choice’? There’s always a fucking choice. Either way, this is the second time she’s tried to kill someone, and this time it wasn’t me. Sura… gods we don’t even know if she’s going to wake up, let alone what kind of state she’ll be in if she does. I have no sympathy. And to think, I was considering forgiving her for everything. I knew she was bad ever since the soul gem incident, always gotta trust my gut.

Seri and Steel are staying in the guard hall, where she is, to make sure there isn’t any rescue or escape attempt. Though I don’t know who’d bother trying. I told Keys, and she didn’t want to come back for it. Maybe Rax. I’ll tell Theo tomorrow. I need to tell him about Dreuth, too.


I need to go see Thris about that necklace, but I’m scared to at the same time. Just in case…

There’s a detailed sketch of an amulet in the shape of a star, made of silver and wood details around a moonstone with the initials W.N and T.E carved inside.

Strange how well I’m coping with everything. Hard to tell if I’m getting better at it all, or just better at hiding it from myself. I’ve had two days now where nothing’s gotten worse… well, Wrae was set to execution and then was ‘saved’ by the Magpies coming to get her to pay off her debt. The relief I felt at her sentencing is gone, but I seemed to be the only person who wanted her actually dead. Then again, I’m the only person she’s targeted that much. I guess I had a few days between now and Anrim’s death where I didn’t have to look over my shoulder all the time. Back to it now.

And Gilyn won’t wake up. I’ve got no idea what’s happening there, and I can’t do much except look after his body. All that stuff is just over my head.

But other than those two things, it’s been relatively uneventful.


Having Thris back helps so damn much. He gave me the necklace, and I spent the other night asleep in his arms in the clinic. Snuck off in the morning so Estre didn’t scold us, though. Can’t have any fun up there anyway, not now I’m supposed to be respectable. I wish I could have done that last night, but I wanted to comfort Si, and watch over Gil. Thris is safer in the clinic, than Gil is where he is. Maybe we should take him up to the clinic tomorrow? Easier, then, to look after both of them. Or will putting them together make things worse? I’ve just got no clue how to help, except hugs. Hugs do always help though. Well, almost always.

Thris is right, though, I can’t stab my way through every problem. The downside is, if I didn’t do that, I used to run. That doesn’t work now, either.

Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ter, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Jasiir, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota.

To remember: Nira, Jasiir, Dreuth.

I don’t even know what to think, but if we need to uproot and hide, then that’s what I’m good at doing.

I need to get him a ring.

I feel bad for Kash. She deserves better than this, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to make it up to her. But I can’t look after everybody, I’m already sitting up all night to watch over this lot, and I feel like I should be sitting up watching over Thris. I’d make a joke about needing to be in two places at once, but somebody tried that once and split themselves in half, so I’m just not even gonna go there.

Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ter, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota.

To remember: Nira, Jasiir, Dreuth.

I have a new name.

It was good to see everyone tonight. I’d missed them. Keys seems to be doing well, at least now she’s not trying to steal a ship. I don’t know what was up with that illusion, but at least she didn’t do anything crazy.

The two statues snuck off pretty early, I’m gonna assume they made it home okay.

I wish things hadn’t gotten so awkward with Ter, at the end. I can’t tell if he’s annoyed that it happened, or doesn’t trust me anymore.

But Ali brought Bembe! And he was so affectionate, I’d missed the little runt. I’d missed Ali, too. The argument… or, disagreement he had with Elsy was awkward as fuck. But honestly, I don’t care if Elsy thinks I’m a slut, I just find it so stupid she was jealous. It was easy to believe all the things he’d told me about her, I could never be with someone like that. Cold, and controlling, and jealous. And so fucking passive aggressive.

I’m glad Ali came over, it was good to talk to him, and to know Thris has someone to talk to about everything. He’s one of my people, and I’m glad that goes both ways.

And that’s two nights now I got to sleep cuddling Thris. Is that a record? Either way, it’s a fucking relief. We might actually have this thing sorted out. Hopefully. Fingers crossed. Now I just need my arm to heal. And my wrist. And my collarbone...


Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota, Bembe.

To remember: Nira, Jasiir, Dreuth.

Today’s my birthday. I’m thirty-three. This is the first time that I’ve had a birthday and known that it was happening. I only know that it’s my birthday, because it was in the records the guild sent me. I only know, because my twin brother is dead. Isn’t that crazy?

Thris was talking about Denny, how she doesn’t form attachments. How she has a roll in the hay and then moves on. I know she’s a thief, and an archer, and she’s snarky and sarcastic. I didn’t like her, when I met her, because she’s so much like me. Or, so much like I used to be.

She’s a few years younger than me, and very similar to how I was a few years ago. Or even at the start of this year, when I came to Vulk. She’s nicer than I was, I think. A better person. Not that that’s hard to be. She’s seeking out family, though. She found her father, and is trying to make bonds there. I know I’ve got family. I know where they’re supposed to be. A sister. A brother, and his wife, and his twin children. But I’m not interested in finding them. Thris and Denny have this… immediate bond, he’s so protective of her, just because they’ve got this blood relation. I’ve never felt that. Never had it before. I didn’t know either of my parents, and my brother was a jerk… well, he was alright, most of the time, but I didn’t get much of a chance to get to know him. I don’t understand why blood can just make that happen, but it means a lot to them. I hope Denny and I can be friends, I think that would be easy to do. I still have no desire to find my siblings, though.

Maybe I will, one day. I’ve already changed so much since I came to Vulk. It’s all Theo’s fault, really. Tory bit Nira and everything got turned upside down. Then Theo and I became friends and he convinced me to try it. Convinced me to care. He convinced me that friends, and feelings, and love and connections were all worth it. It’s good to know I’ve got someone to blame.

And then there was Terath, and Dreuth, and Boris, and Kashya, and… do I even have someone I consider a friend who I haven’t had some kind of falling out with? I’ve fought with them all, been angry at them all… except maybe Keys… but I think she’s been angry at me. There’s been so many fights, though. So much drama and hurt and pain… I’m still not used to this… to having connections. I’ve screwed it up so many times. When you care about people so much, it’s so easy to flip that emotion around to anger, or frustration, or hatred. There was a time, once, that I considered Wraesha a friend, and look how well that turned out.

But I have my people, now. Theo was right. It is worth it. I don’t know who I’ll be next week, or next month, or next year, but right now they’re my reason to live. The thing that keeps me going.

Great-Uncle Theo: The first true friend I ever had. The first person I could really be myself to. I’ve still told him things I haven’t told anybody. He’s a friend for life, that one. No matter what shit I do to screw it up, I know he’ll be there for me.

Kash: I don’t know if she even considers me a friend, and there’s definitely stuff I can’t tell her, but I like that one. I hope she’s doing well as marshal again. I hope she doesn’t resent me for it. I should send some oranges to her.

Mirkan: I haven’t seen her in weeks, I hope she’s okay, but I suppose that’s normal for her. She doesn’t seem like one who’d stay in the same place for long.

Ali: I want to get to know him better, I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t tell him. He’s been there for me time and time again. And he’s such a damn good mer. I want him to be happy.

Gil & Si: I really don’t know what’s happening with those two. They’re both in bad places, and I don’t know how to help them.

Keys: Gods, poor Keys. She’s dealing with so much and she’s still so young. I hated having to give her bad news. She’s gonna be a great person, one day, someone important. She pouted at the idea that I wouldn’t hold any kittens she might have, I doubt I’ll still be alive then, with how I live my life, but if I do I’d like to think I’d hold her kittens.

Steel: He really is an idiot, and a pain in the ass, but he’s good for Seri. We might rub each other the wrong way a lot of the time, but I do like the dope. I can’t believe he’s scared of netches.

Seri: He’s my best friend, whether he wants to be or not. I’ll keep helping him with everything he’s going through, even if that means yelling at him every now and then… Or pretty frequently, lately. I don’t even know how we managed to make a friendship, let alone how we’ve managed to patch up the holes so many times. But I think we work well together, we keep each other in line, and balance each other out. It was fun to throw potatoes at him today, too.

Thris: I don’t even know where to start. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. It’s so intense, when it’s good it’s amazing. When it’s bad it’s gut-wrenching. We started off in the weirdest way, and so much went wrong, but now I really hope we’ve got it all worked out. Or at least we’re getting better at winging it. I don’t think anyone can come between us now, not Estre or necromancers or deadric princes… but I think we could screw it up so easily ourselves. I’m just going to cherish every damn day I have with him, every stupidly nauseating moment, so when it crashes and burns like everything else in my life, I’ll have the memories, at least.

I’m going to go to Anvil and get some really good booze. Expensive stuff. I’ll make all of them have a birthday drink with me when I see them next.

Seri, Thris, Theo, Steel, Keys, Gil, Si, Ali, Kash, Mirkan.
Ruvy, Mor, Bugs, Fits, Traps, Ham, Pelin, Llye, Hrota, Bembe.

To remember: Nira, Jasiir, Dreuth.