Lu's Journal

Well, I had to buy a new book to write in since my old one is somewhere in my house. I still can't go in there. The place is just filled with Afer's stuff and it feels suffocating to be around it all. I mean, I go there to check on Dunther and make sure he's being walked and all. I offered the dog to come with me but I think he's waiting there for Afer. Poor fluffy butt. I gave Kana a key to the place and said she's welcome there anytime. Maybe she's looking after the place when I'm not there. I hope she's finding uses for Afer's stuff. Maybe she'll take it all and I can finally move back in there.

Fedris told me that he did a Fighter's Guild job recently that involved killing vampires. He said it felt like a bit of closure. I said that I wanted to go too but, of course, he said no! It's like me, him and Afer in the Guild again and them not letting me go on jobs! I can kill things! I probably killed more stuff than Fedris has! And I taught him how to throw daggers! Plus, how will I get any practice in if they don't trust me to handle myself? Well I'm going behind his back and taking it in my own hands now. I talked to that new Fighter's Guild lead, Terath, and asked him if he lets girls do their damn job in the guild. He said yes so maybe there's some hope there. I'll have to see if I can take a job soon. Get my feet wet again! Though, it's weird someone else having Afer's old job. That will take some getting use to.

There are so many people I haven't met in town! I must have stayed away longer than I thought. I've met a few of them recently while drinking up a storm in the Tavern. Let's see....Well, I already mentioned Terath, who seems alright. He's kind of quiet. Not use to that in these Fight Guild types. Or maybe I've just been use to Afer and Fed's big mouths. And then there's Wren, Terath's girlfriend. Heh, another dunmer and bosmer couple. I'm seeing more and more of those. Anyway, she seems spunky and outspoken. And I learned the other night that she has a quick temper. She was ready to cut some guy's throat right in the tavern. Reminds me of how I use to be. Before I got my ass thrown in jail every other day or tossed out a window a time or two. Let's see, there was Theo? Was that his name? He has pretty long hair and seems to think another man name Aure...uh...Aurelius? Who knows how to spell these names! The little blonde bosmer thought the tall blonde Imperial looked like his father, but actually, the bosmer is older than the Imperial so he could be the Imperial's great uncle or something! Though he doesn't like for you to mention that. Now Aurelius is a funny guy. He seems to take pride in wearing a bucket, yes a bucket, as a helm! They were calling him Bucket Knight. Hilarious.

There's a few other's I see around pretty regularly but haven't got the chance to meet them yet. Some look more approachable than others. I have to say, it's a little easier being in the tavern again than I thought it was going to be. Maybe because it's filled with unfamiliar faces so it doesn't feel like that same old crowd. I kind of like that, it makes being back in town a lot less stressful and...depressing.

Now things did get a bit crazy last night. I was in town looking for my damned run-away goat when I heard someone scream like woman in labor that they were arresting Lulie for the murder of Lulan. Naturally, I hauled ass to the noise to eavesdrop but there was a huge crowd around her and some people with swords! I thought they were going to kill her! So I ran in there screaming Lulie was Lulan! Of course, no one believed me. The stupid hat I was wearing probably made me look crazy too, but once Lulie got up and verified that I was telling the truth, things started to calm down. I learned that Lulie's not getting fat, she's having a baby! Good for her. I'll have to get her some weird food for when she starts getting cravings.

I spoke with Kashya and she told me that people were bugging her about getting laid. It seems that the Altmer doesn't care about relationships or even physical type stuff, she just cares about her job. So, naturally, everyone tells her that she needs to get laid! I told her that relationships aren't what they're cracked up to be. Sure, the making out and other stuff is fun while it lasts but then you either break up or die. What's romantic about that? It's depressing! I'll take a page out of Kashya's book and just focus on work. Maybe if I had focused more on that before, then I wouldn't have lost a bet and had to shave my head! Speak of which, Thorn said it looked ugly and I should keep it covered up. He's not wrong! At least he tells the truth and doesn't worry about hurting someone's feelings. Maybe I'll try that bottle of hair tonic Hloriella gave me.

I KILLED TWO CLANNFEAR!

Okay, I had some help....okay a lot of help, but still! I killed two of them! I've never killed one before! It was such a rush! I feel like I'm invincible!

Today was stressful but also a success. I feel bad for Terath cause he has to deal with all of this. And I feel even worse now because he thinks I might feel strange around him since Afer use to be Guild Leader. I told him not to worry about it, I've gotten over that. It's like a completely different guild! You can't really compare the two.

And now they (Terath, Wren, and Lucia) know that I may have a teeny tiny thing for Kashya's brother.

It's not a big deal. No. Nope. Nah, Nuh uh...No.

Not sure why I feel guilty then. I haven't done anything. But I still feel like some part of me is pissing off Afer somehow. Or betraying him.

I have to go to Eastmarch! I need to tell Kashya that I've found a way there that won't take us weeks or months of travel. Someone owed me a biiiiiig favor and I gotta collect on it fast. Charlotte told me to forget about it but how can you just forget about this? If he's still out there, alive, I have to bring him home. If he's out there, dead, I still have to bring him home. If I find nothing but the ashes of the vamps he managed to cut down during his last living moments, then I can at least spit on them and maybe feel some kind of closure. Something.

Also, I maaaay have blabbed a secret of Kashya's while I was drunk. I just have to remember what it was...and remind myself not to drink that much. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Would dreads really look cool or just weird on me?

Lucrezia sits on the floor of her mother's rented room. There's a divider by the bed to give Lu's mother and Gerrvir privacy while Lu stays there. On the floor are some blankets and a pillow. Lu's guar, Lee, tries to get comfortable on the blankets while the bosmer tries writing in her journal.

So I had to

She stops write as she hears Rilliana, her mother, giggling and Gerrvir whispering. Lu makes a face and continues writing.

go to my mothe


She stops again.

"Gerr, we can't...Lucrezia might hear..."

The bosmer heard more whispering but she couldn't make out what Gerrvir was saying. Though, that might have been a good thing because to Lu's horror her mother said next:

"Ohhh, I like the sound of that...just, be quiet while you do..."


Lu slams the book and jumps up, grabbing her things off the floor. Lee happened to be one of those things.

"That's it! I'm out of here! I can't stay here while you two are- ugh! Gross! I just can't! Thanks for the offer mother, but I'd rather sleep outside with the bugs than listen to Hlor's dad trying to get under your skirt." The very pissed off bosmer went right out the door, not listening to her mother's apologies. She whistled once she was outside and her horse came to her from the spot where it was eating grass. Her mean goat appeared as well, following the bosmer back up the path to Vulkwasten. Lu couldn't go back to her home in Woodhearth. Too many Afer things there. She couldn't go back to the Sloanes, too much Hloriella there. She thought about going to Fedris and Sty's, but she doubted the dunmer could keep his hands off his wife long enough for her to get some peaceful sleep. Like father, like son. So, the bosmer walked over to the ramp of the Fighter's guild and decided to just train for a few hours. Who needed sleep anyway?

About 30 minutes later, she was asleep on the training ground, possibly being rained on.







So I had to go to my mothe


Damn Timberscrubs. Damn all of them!

Gerrvir has managed to knock up my mother and she takes him back after he tried to run off! She must be pretty scared or desperate. And now they can't keep their hands off each other. It's disgusting. I couldn't even sleep one night there without them trying to get busy on the bed that was less that five feet away from me! Gross!

And Hloriella....making fun of people that have died from vampires! Laughing at the pain their loved ones are going through! She actually LAUGHED at Theo's pain. LAUGHED! Then found it more amusing when she found out vampires were involved. VAMPIRES! I couldn't believe it! Wren wasn't the only one that wanted to kick her ass in that tavern. I came so close to slapping her, but I wanted to see first if she was just hiding her pain.

I should have slapped her. She wouldn't even talk to me about Afer. She just kept saying that he knew the risks. They were friends! At least I thought they were. Does she laugh at me too? Does she mock his death when I'm not around? I just couldn't take it anymore. I got my stuff and my guar from her place and left. Gabriel tried to stop me but I can't stay there.

So I'm bunking at the Fighter's Guild for now. I hope they don't mind the bantam guar I have. Lee is skittish but quiet. He just hides in the bunk when I have to leave him there for jobs and such. Goat Bastard won't come inside. He does his own thing. I think he misses Yams.

Stupid Hlor!

Stupid Fedris!

Now he is mad at me too! He's always thinking the worse of me! First he thought I was on skooma. Then he asked assumed I was drinking too much. Finally he asked me who I was kissing! I told him no one, which is the truth. But he didn't like hearing me talking about possibly dating again. He told me to take it very slow but was giving me that look...that Judgemental Fedris look! How dare he! Especially after Hloriella said he and Styletta rolled around in the sand on their first date! He didn't take it slow!

Maybe if he just asked me, instead of telling me, then I would have told him that I am taking it slow.

Screw all those damn Timberscrubs!

I can't wait for this trip, to get out of Vulk for at least a day or two and to finally get some answers. Maybe after that I'll go on a real trip. Something relaxing, like clearing out some bandits in another town or hunting some vicious wild game. That would really get some frustration out. I'll have to see what jobs the Guild has.

And the stupid water is poisoned. And some crazy lady is in the Clinic...or being arrested. I'm not sure which. I'm so glad I'm not a guard. I hope the lady is driving Fedris crazy. Let him deal with that.

I asked Kashya to go with me to follow a lead for the Guild. Originally I had asked Fedris but since we fought the other night, I thought it would be better to just go without him. I had thought of asking Renma to go since he had been talking about joining the Fighter's Guild but I was in a hurry and I haven't seen him in a few days to ask him. So I asked Kashya, and it was a good thing I did too, because she did good! At least, from what I remember.

And Fedris ended up inviting himself anyway...which was also good because he kicked ass too. I don't even know what happened. All I remember is being shoved to the ground and then everything went dark. Kashya told me I got kicked and Fedris said he carried me all the way back to Vulk. The healers say my nose is broken and they were worried of a concussion but I guess I'm fine now. They won't heal it yet until the...bone sets? Something like that. They said they didn't want it to end up crooked. At this point, I wouldn't care if it did! It's really hard to drink when you keep bumping the mug against your hurt nose.

I left the maps and plans for Terath. He was really pleased with what we found so I guess it was a success!

Then it seemed like the whole town went vampire hunting. I couldn't go, Healer's orders. Usually that wouldn't stop me but I'd like to set a good example for Kana since she's around so much. She follows Fedris around like a lost puppy. It's cute but also concerning. I already warned Fedris of this but I don't think he sees how much influence he has over her. Hopefully he's setting a good example too...hopefully.







The top of the page had many scribbles...mostly bad words and what looked to be just rough lines drawn through the page in anger.


Just like Afer! The exact same as him! The kid is going to get herself killed! I hope Fedris is happy! I hope Afer is happy! If I could get just one more moment with that Imperial, I'd punch him right on his stupid nose...TWICE! Once for putting us all through hell over his senseless death, and once more for creating that pain-in-the-ass kid of his that's just like him!

So she wants his stuff? Fine, she can have it. All of it! I'll throw it all out in the lawn No, I'll move all of my shit out of his house and she can have it! All of it! Even the dog! Dunther never liked me much anyway!

And freaking Fedris! He really told her to do the opposite of what I do? REALLY?! He just told me that he thought I was doing good! He said the Guild was good for me and I was doing better....I guess it was all just lies!

Of course it was! He thought I was on Skooma again! Well maybe I should be! What's the point in being good and sober when your FRIENDS tell people not to act like you or call you a hagraven!

That damn kid!

Thank you, Afer. Thank you for being a big fat dumb dying person who dies and leaves their kid here for us to watch follow in her father's footsteps! You did good!




More bad words are scribbled on the bottom of the page, along with a drink stain that smell like some kind of alcohol.

Lu opens her journal as she gets settled in on an unfamiliar couch in an unfamiliar house. It's so big and quiet...a little uncomfortable this late at night. She can't sleep.

So what has happened this week? A lot.

Kana and I apologized. She's trying to do things on her own now but she's struggling. I want to give her some gold so she can at least eat well but she won't take any from me. Not as a handout, anyway. I'll have to hire her for something and overpay her. Yes, that will work! Maybe I can convince Hlor and Fedris to do the same. Maybe even Terath can be convinced to have her help out around the Guild Hall and I can just ask him to pay her with part of my own pay. That way, she will be getting a little extra help and also earning it too. I like this idea.

I also got some advice from Terath. He's easy to talk to. He told me that I shouldn't feel guilty about dating as long as I'm honest. That was so simple, I should have thought it on my own.

But then things got...interesting.

I started talking to the Bucket Knight more. There was an attraction and flirtation there. We even kissed once. But then he reunited with his long lost love. I was a little disappointed at first, but you can't stop true love, right? I won't get in the way of it.

I was planning to just focus on work and keep getting to know Renma a little more, he's interesting...different but interesting. But then something else happened. I met another Imperial that I just really seemed to click with. We both like drinking and being silly, we even sparred while drunk. Though it wasn't that much fun for him when I accidentally kneed him in the nuts. Ouch. But surprisingly, he asked me out again and we went to his place to go swimming and drink, share stories.

Now it gets really interesting...

We walk through the door and there's the Bucket Knight and his fiance...in a very passionate embrace. It was the most horrifying and awkward thing in my life. Okay, maybe that's not completely true, but it's up there as one of the top five. The two Imperial men are brothers. Just my luck. I kiss one guy and somehow end up liking his brother a few days later. After everyone got over that bit of shock...and they got dressed...we had a pretty nice dinner together and just talked. I really like Anette, she seems sweet.

I'm getting to know Alex more. His a big flirt and has a mouth on him that could make anyone turn red, but he's nice too. I'm just enjoying this for now and seeing what happens.

And now for the really bad part...

I think Thorn might be gone. A portal opened in town and deadra came out of it. And of course, Thorn jumps into the portal! Well, we had to close it and he didn't get out. I don't know what's going to happen now. Kashya's obviously very upset. I'll just let them plan out our next move and I'll do whatever they need me to, to help. I hope we find him.


She closes the book and tries to get comfortable. She actually gets a few hours of peaceful sleep.

The house is....gone.

Just....gone!

Hloriella and I risked the roads to go over there and get a few things and there were people in my house. In my house!

I didn't see the man, but he attacked Hloriella. For once, she actually kicked some ass and had him running. And upstairs there was some masked woman going through the stuff in my desk. What could she be looking for? I don't have anything valuable there. Or at least, I didn't. A fire started when she tackled me. Or perhaps it was after she threw the chair. I can't remember, it all seems very fuzzy. I just know that Hlor and I got stuck in there and...the damn goat pulled us away from the flames! How does this bastard keep saving us?! I will never understand it. But I haven't seen him in a few days. I think the fire spooked him.

I lost nearly everything. All I have now is a chest with some clothes and my burned, and possibly ruined, armor. I know I could stay with Hloriella but....I hate those damn Sloanes. Except Gabriel, he's the only decent one. There's always an empty bunk at the Guild Hall but it can get crowded at times. And I am not staying with my mother and Gerrvir. So, I went to see Alex. He says I can crash on his couch anytime. Actually, he offered me a bed but Rel and Anette need it more than I do. The couch is comfortable! Much better than sleeping on the ground.

He's a really nice guy. We've been spending a lot more time together. Last night I took him to one of my favorite spots near town, just right down the road from it really. But then I remembered that was where I had kissed his brother...so I blurted it out! Stupid...

But it didn't bother him, thankfully. And then he asked me if I'd be alright with only seeing him. So, I'm going to. Going to only see him. It's really exciting....and also a tiny bit terrifying. Ok, a LOT terrifying.

He also seems to have bothered Wren in some way. I'm not sure how, but she seems really unnerved by him or something. I'm not gonna pry, though. That's between them. If anything, it's probably just Alex being....well, Alex. He's probably just screwing with her to be funny. Funny to himself, at least.

My mother's pregnancy is starting to show. It's very weird. I still can't believe I'm going to have a sibling soon....that's related to gross Gerr...and Hloriella and Fedris! Does this make us all siblings now? And does that mean Gerrvir is....my step dad? This is all getting too weird! I can't even think about it right now.

Pretty soon I'll be making the trip to Eastmarch with Kashya and Hlor. I keep asking myself if I really want to go there. What if I find something horrible? What if he's there? What if we find nothing at all?

I guess we will have to just figure it out, whatever happens.

The siege is still going. We're all still trapped in town like cornered rats. I'm surprised no one has gone crazy yet. Or perhaps we've all gone a little crazy. We are, after all, fighting damn daedra every day. And we're out numbered. Our supplies are slowly dwindling down to almost nothing. I've resorted to just eating month's old jerky to save the rest of our rations for the others. I'm used to not having much to eat but many here are not. And there's children here!

A few died the other day. I didn't see it but I heard the screams, it was awful. It feels like...something out of a nightmare. I've read and heard stories about war but I never thought it would be like this. At first, it was exciting to me. I was proud of my promotion and the chance at leading. It felt like I was finally finding something I was good at.

Then everything went to hell. Aurelius, Boris, Wren and I weren't leading anymore, We were responsible for lives. Our friend's lives! And this kid...Falen, what the hell is he even doing here?! He should be running around playing catch with dogs or learning how to battle with play swords like normal children. But he looks like a tiny 40 year old man! He was attacked by a flying daedra in my group but he kicked it's ass. Hell, I think he was fighting better than most of the adults in our group! I still worry, though. It just feels like his childhood was stolen from him and he had to grow up very fast.

Every day, after a battle, we go looking for our friends. To make sure they're not dead. Aurelius came back looking like someone beat him with his own bucket. But thankfully nothing life threatening. Then Anette came running in with Boris and Alex. Both looked really bad. Anette and Rel got right to work, healing them both. I tried to help as much as I could but it was happening so fast. I don't even remember which wounds I closed. But I do remember how much pain he was in. And even though I'm staying at the Fighter's Guild, I try to go visit him when I can. I'm really glad he didn't die. I can't believe I didn't even think about him being out there. I figured he would have stayed at his home, where it's safe. I'm gonna have to knee him in the nuts again for scaring the hell out of me. I don't like that.

And then, while fighting some werewolves on the beach, we saw even more daedra! We came up with a plan to distract them and get away once the others showed up. Though, that was nearly forgotten about when Wren and Keys said Wraesha shot them. Terath had told me about their plan to take her down after the Siege. I was sworn to secrecy, and for once actually managed to keep a secret! But it looks like they were able to do that a bit early. The daedra were gone by the time we got to the trail but we went ahead with the plan anyway, just in case. And I must add that shooting an arrow on fire is damn awesome.

Also, what the hell is Keys doing on these missions?! Do we need to gather up all these children and put them in time out? I just can't see my own child, Amora, doing these things. But yet, she lives comfortably in Woodhearth with her father. These kids seem to have been alone most, if not all, of their lives. I guess I should be glad that mine has never had to struggle like that. I can't wait to see her after this Siege is over. It's been too dangerous to bring her here lately.

Well, I got to see the town from a view I never thought would happen...from being carried off by a flying daedra! I have to admit, it was terrifying. Also, the fall was not fun at all. Thankfully, I wasn't up high enough for the fall to break anything but I'm bruised up like hell. One of those flying things also scratched my face, from my ear to my cheek. I should really consider wearing a helmet.

We won the fight. The cursed have left town and now we have to clean up after their mess. It doesn't really feel like time for celebration, though. I know one dunmer died. I hear someone else possibly did too. Boris was dead for a minute or two. Bucket Knight saved her by pounding on her chest. Who knew that a good old fashioned beating would save someone's life? Not even the healers were able to do better than that.

And then upstairs, Stripes...or Ma' as most call him. Thought I'll always remember him as Stripes. But anyway, Kashya almost killed him. He bit her hand! I didn't see it and was so confused as to what was going on. All I saw was Kashya going after him. I thought maybe she had lost it for a moment so I tried to get between them and she slapped me. That's when I saw the blood. Well, it didn't take long for me to figure it out then. He's cursed. But my Fighter's Guild instinct didn't kick in right away. My protective one did instead.

I don't know if I should be proud of that or not. I'm glad she didn't kill him but...he's still cursed! What if he had cursed her too? Or killed someone! I'm really confused about that now. I've had cursed friends before but I've never seen them just lose it like that. And I wasn't in a guild who's sole purpose is protecting people from them before. So...what now? I have no clue. And I feel bad for stopping Kashya from doing something that she felt was right to do. Are we not friends anymore?

And what about Stripes? He got away but can he never come back to town again? What happens if he does show up? Will he be banished or killed?

We won a war today but it doesn't really feel like it. It feels like things have just started to get worse.

I still haven't talked to Kashya, to see if she's still mad at me. Usually I'm fine with any kind of confrontation but this time, for some reason, I find myself avoiding the subject. Possibly because I feel guilty? I'm not sure. She seems more moody lately. Maybe I should wait until she's more cheerful. Or perhaps offer to let her shoot one of those exploding bolts. Explosions make people happy, don't they? They make me happy.

The guard that always grunts was outside holding a kitten. He let me pet it and the little thing was trying to attack his face. It's odd, seeing such a stern looking mer handling a little furball like that. But he seemed really tense when I got too close. Maybe he just doesn't like anyone standing over him like that. I know it makes me nervous when people do that. I guess he's not too scary. He did pet a kitten, after all.

Hloriella's husband left her! I couldn't believe it. Okay, no, I could believe it cause he's a selfish ass but still, leaving your family like that is just stupid and...selfish! She's in denial, of course, and says he didn't actually leave. And it seems like that Redguard is already trying to move in. I'll have to meet him and see what his intentions are. Hloriella has a bad habit of choosing awful men.

Fedris's new hair is stupid.

Sven and Amora are moving closer to Vulk! I had wrote to him about the Siege but I must have forgotten to send him an updated letter cause he showed up all worried...and shirtless. He was really causing some stares in the tavern. It was embarrassing! But other than that, it was a nice visit. And I got to spend some time with Amora. They are really busy moving and finding a new place right now but once their settled in, I'll get to introduce her to some of my friends.

Terath threw together a little party for everyone. He gave a good speech, then Aurelius did...then I said some things. It was really nice, except when Fedris ate all my food and when the Alex thing happened. Wren and Boris said something really unbelievable about him. Rel agreed with me, that it didn't sound like something Alex would do. I mean, he acts like a scoundrel but he's really not a bad guy. I have to admit, though, I lost my temper and slapped him the moment I saw him. He was rightly confused but didn't get angry. Instead, he was horrified by the accusations and told me everything that happened. Wren was listening nearby. I told her that I'd get the truth from him and I think I did. I just hope her and Boris believe him. But now I'm a bit worried about Boris. I don't even know her, but I'm worried. It's weird. It sounds like she was really messed up on something back then. What if it's still affecting her now? Hm...maybe I should just stay out of it. I think I will.

So, our date got postponed again. Now I'm just really curious as to what is being planned. We're gonna try it again tonight, maybe. It's starting to feel like I've caught some bad luck or something. Maybe I shouldn't stand so close to Arthur when I speak to him. His bad luck must be rubbing off on me. But anyway, I drank something called....fire something. That stuff was brutal. I asked Alex for something strong, but I was not expecting that! It felt like my whole head was on fire! But we got to talk. Then I caved and slept in his bed. And while the cuddling was nice, I really shouldn't do that anymore. It's starting to feel like I'm living over there, but I'm not! I can't give the wrong impression.

Also, the repairing of Afer's house is coming along. I've managed to get everything burned up out of there. I had to pay a few people to help me lift those heavy chests. Some stuff was salvageable. It looks like most of the damage is upstairs. The walls and roof are mostly fine. The house is a bit more drafty than usual and the roof leaks when it rains really hard but that's all fixable...I think. I put some pillows and a blanket down for a bed. Then I found a table and some chairs...and a barrel. It's not too bad. For now. I just have to get it livable again. Then...maybe it should be sold. To someone who could actually enjoy it.

The-date-that's-possibly-never-going-to-happen has been postponed again. Poor Alex had trouble rescheduling it to another date so it will have to wait a little while. I am finding it hilarious! Every time we try to plan something together, something happens! It's like Nirn is playing a huge practical joke on us. But I must admit that now I am very intrigued and curious to what he has had planned all along. My expectations are very big now.

But we ended up going to Stonefalls and having a picnic right by a lake...that was being filled with lava! It was very different from the dates I’ve been on before, though I never did a lot of dating before. I mean, Milo and I dated a little while before getting married but well...can you really call doing it in random places a ‘date’? Maybe. Sven and I were never together. We just had that one really drunk night, which was not horrible because it made Amora. And Mal and I sort of just moved in together after he and his girlfriend broke up. Then there was Afer, well, Afer was different. We’d known each other for years. He was one of my best friends for a while before we ever crossed the line from friends to a couple. We had dates, like the Eastmarch one. Most of them, though, were hunts. And those were fun! Good bonding moments together and I was learning more about the Guild then. But other than that….

I guess I just always jumped from barely knowing each other to a serious relationship or friends-with-benefits type of thing, never taking it slow or just enjoying the getting-to-know-you part.

But this is fun. Dating is fun.

And I really like sleeping in a bed again. A real bed. The cuddling is a good plus too.

Also, I have no idea why the party in the tavern was a formal one but I put on a dress anyway and showed up. It was fun! Amora and Sven showed up for a while and we all danced. Then Hlor and I were trying to outdance each other. She’s not a terrible dancer but I’m better! Then I was dancing with Wren while Terath went to...well, I’m not sure where he went off to! Probably to do something important. Then, when the dancing slowed down, I started chatting with Theo a bit. He’s actually a very cool guy. We talked about how hot Altmer and Imperial’s are. I think I could get along with him very well. But then something really strange happened. That guard, Seriduril came storming up to the tavern and tried to fight Theo! BUT HE’S SO TINY! I was really worried for Theo but he seemed to be very calm about it. When Theo told him that he couldn’t fight him, the angry ball of gruntness walked off, saying he was going to go beat up a tree! I got the hell out of there! He already makes me very uneasy and this was just...insane! I don’t know what on Nirn fired him up but whatever it was, I hope it’s faaaar away from town now.


____________________________________________________________________________________________


Gone. Really gone.

I damned his soul. Why did I do that? Why!

I want to take it back. Just take it back.



____________________________________________________________________________________________




This page is just filled with messy scribbles of the word ‘RATKEY’ all over it.



____________________________________________________________________________________________

I haven't told anyone about Eastmarch. Only Kashya and Hloriella know what happened there. I saw Kana at the auction and I wanted to say something but...how do you tell someone that you had to kill their father? Sure, he was a bloodfiend...he was still her father. the father she never got to meet. Maybe its better for her to just think that he's still out there, waiting to be found. That's gotta be better than the truth.

I have to tell Fedris, though. He'd want to know. Tonight, I'll tell him tonight. Or maybe tomorrow. Soon.


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I can stop it. Anytime. Anytime I want to, I can stop it. I know I can.

I'm not an addict. I'm not.


____________________________________________________________________________________________


Why did I go to his house like that? He knew right away!

And why did I leave the bottles there? Now they know.

I really messed up. I couldn't concentrate on the job and made so many mistakes. Arthur and Rel were right, we didn't have to kill all those people.

I can fix this. I can! I just have to limit myself and time it just right. This can work. It has to work.

Just enough to stop my hands from shaking.

Only enough to get that image out of my head.


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Alex and his long whoring past! It's come to bite him right on the ass. I hope he's right and this one last thing will get her out of our lives for good. And if any more of these skanks show up at his door with their demands, I will start cutting people down.

The nerve of her! In his own house, like she owned the place! Time to change the locks and put up better wards.


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I'm not sure how, but I managed to order three crates of oranges instead of one. I gave them all to Kashya.

But when I dropped off the last two crates, I found something very interesting: The Grunting Guard's journal.

I didn't mean to go through his stuff but I couldn't stop reading it! I probably ate about 10 oranges while reading it. I hope I didn't get the papers smudged or anything. Oranges are a messy fruit to eat. But in his journal he left a note to Kashya that he was leaving for a while. So....I went to the docks. I didn't expect him to really be there but he was! But sadly Kashya wasn't with him. So, I got up the courage to go chat with him.

It's weird. It's like he's one way in his journal and a completely different way in person. It must have something to do with trust. Or something. But it was a nice chat. Now...to talk to Kashya about him. I really shouldn't be nosy but this is just too interesting to leave alone.


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Well, I saw a side of Alex that I never expected to see. I never even thought he could be like that!

He really beat the hell out of him. I mean, Cole sort of asked for it but still...he really beat the crap out of him.

I promised him I'd stay away from him. I said I'd stop. I hope I can.


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I can't believe this! Fedris said that Gils was kidnapped! By that crazy bitch that was in Alex's house!

I don't know how in the hell they are going to get that much money but....we'll figure it out. Maybe I can get some of it from Alex or Charlotte.

I just wish I knew why she was targeting Fedris in the first place.

Poor Gils. He must be so scared. And Styletta...I can't even imagine.

I have to go find Alex and find out what happened and what he knows. But I can't leave the house like this. I promised I'd stop but I haven't yet. I have to get this out of my system first. I need to be able to think straight. I have to wait it out.

So now Kashya, Seriduril, Terath, Wren and possibly Anette and Rel know about the skooma.

Someone sent a note to the guard saying that I was doing skooma and Alex was providing it to me. I believe it was Ray. No one else would be that pissed at us to do that. And she had snuck into his home, where my bag was.

I was spying on Kashya and Seri, trying to see if they really were together or not. I thought I heard some kissing but it was hard to tell from where I was hiding. Plus, how much of a romantic moment can you have when there's dead body ashes right next to you?

But they caught me spying and then Kashya questioned me about the skooma while Seri searched my bag. I couldn't lie about it anymore so I told them the truth and about Cole selling it me. They said they'd let Alex go after confirming my story with him. I thought for sure that they were going to lock me up but they didn't. Instead, I have to see Ali twice a day for two weeks to try and get over the withdrawls. So far, it's been really hard. I can't stand still and I'm scratching my arms nearly raw. Kashya keeps slapping me when she sees me do this but I don't even notice that I'm doing it! But that's how Wren figured it out cause she's seen the withdrawl symptoms before. She gave me some tips on how to handle them. That was really nice of her, especially considering that just earlier she'd nearly been toasted to death. I do hope she doesn't get bad scars from the burns. It looks painful.

And before we left for S'ren-ja, I told Terath what was going on. He looked disappointed, which was to be expected, but he didn't fire or demote me! Now that was surprising. But, like everyone else, he expects me to kick the habit and get back on track. I promised I would. I really like my job.

And now I sit in S'ren-ja. We had to go there and help the people trapped in town by daedra. The battle was going smoothly until someone let bees loose! Who the hell would do that? It was madness! And i must mention that I freaking HATE scamps. They ruined my good boots and now I have to wear these old stinky ones that I bought from some merchant nearby. They're too big but I've got them tied really tight. I just hope I don't have to do any running anytime soon.

I think I'll go sit at the docks for old time's sake.


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He’s….alive.

I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes but...he’s alive.

Kashya was right. This whole time...all this time...it’s been him. It’s been him all along. I was so shocked and angry and sad, all at once. I can still feel how cold his skin was on his cheek. And his eyes….He didn’t want to show them to me, was wearing a blindfold. The idiot’s been punishing himself by not allowing himself to see with cursed eyes. He doesn’t even know what his own daughter looks like! But I made him look at me. And it was heartbreaking. His bright blue eyes have been replaced with darker crimson eyes. I almost didn’t recognize him with the pale skin, shorter hair and his eyes...those damn cursed eyes.

I told him that he was being selfish for not looking for a cure right away. This may have costed him his mortality. All because he has some ‘mission’. I’m starting to think that Fedris was right and Afer was really starting to lose it, that those daedra did something to his mind when they took him. And now this affliction. How do I tell Fedris this? Or Hloriella? Or Kashya or the others? Would they try to hunt him down and kill him? I can’t risk that. So, I’ll just let him do what he’s being doing, staying gone. I told him that I couldn’t wait around and worry about him. He told me to move on. I feel like he’s still trying to punish himself. But what else can I do? I’m no mage. I am in the Fighter’s Guild but I don’t know any more than he does. But still...I’ll try to find out something.

This is all so screwed up. Those damn monsters took his life from him and turned him into….this. It’s not fair! Not to him, to Kana, to any of us. I really hate them. All of them. The cursed, I hate them.



This page was ripped out and burned.



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I really fucking hate vampires.


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Damn him!

Damn him to Oblivion!

That idiot took my mother back to Morrowind! To her slavers! What the hell made him think that was the best idea?! He's an idiot! I'm going to freaking kill him!

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Afer came to see me again. He's done with the 'mission' he was on. Now he can get the cure.

He wants me to tell Fedris about it. I'm concerned about that because I just know that the idiot will try to kill him on the spot. But I promised him that i would, so I guess I will.

I feel very conflicted. It's my job to kill undead. But yet, I'm meeting up with one like we're having freaking tea or something. I feels so odd, yet so familiar at the same time.

He wanted to go after the cure alone, but there's just no way he'd survive that. And I think he already knew that I was going to invite myself along when he planned to tell me. Maybe that was his way of asking for help, without really asking for it.


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Well, the guy that caused all this daedra trouble is finally dead. I didn't do so well in the fight. My damn ankle is sprained and I accidentally knocked myself out with my own boot. Oh yeah, my back caught on fire too. Another armor set ruined.

I told Fedris about Afer and he, of course, started freaking out. No, wait, he first called me a liar. Idiot. But then he said he would help with the cure. I couldn't go, though. I could hardly walk.

It was actually a good thing that I didn't go cause it sounds like the battle was really tough and I would have just been in the way. But...he's cured! I can hardly believe it.

Then, things got a little weird. He told me some things...stuff I probably didn't want to even know. He said he has more children than the four I know about. Then, he told me about his 'mission' in more detail. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It seems like he just isn't as noble as I thought he was. It really reminds me of what I told Kana months ago: That I felt like I hardly knew her father. Well, now, I am starting to feel like that's really true. But I don't think I can put all the blame on him. I didn't ever really ask these questions....I don't think.

Then I told him that I still have feelings for him and I wasn't sure how to deal with that. His answer to that? It was to ask me if I liked Alex and when I said 'yes', he told me that was my answer. Then....oh then, he starting going on about Bethany and how she was the most perfect woman he'd ever met.

Well, I think that was my real answer. I had just liked him more than he liked me. Possibly even this whole time. I mean, that would explain why he kept all these secrets and why he's not very bothered about me moving on. He even met Alex and shook his hand! He didn't seem one bit bothered by it.

So, I think I'm right when I said that I had just liked him more than he liked me. Which is fine. I can get over it.


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The whole town is flooded! It's a freaking madhouse out there!

I tried to help but I just kept getting stuck in the mud and sand. Thankfully, Afer and Tobias helped me out when that happened...or when I got pushed into a rock wall. Ouch.

But I think what hurt more was the damn stuff with Afer. People keep gawking at his chest and tattoos! He needs to invest in a new shirt. Seriously.

Gods, why am I writing about him again? This is getting annoying.

____________________________________________________________________________________________


WHY DID I SAY THAT? WHY?!

AND AT THE WORSE POSSIBLE MOMENT!

I THINK I'M GOING TO DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT!


____________________________________________________________________________________________


Well, Alex doesn't seem too bothered by it, so that's good.

He finally got to see my house and even stayed over. It was...odd, having someone else in the house with me that's not Hloriella.

I got up early to try and surprise him with breakfast but I ended up burning every damn thing.

Oh well, it's the thought that count's, right?

Well, I can walk now so that's something. It still hurts to move around and sometimes just breathing hurts. The potions are helping me keep my strength up and helping a little with the pain. I haven't asked to see a healer cause I'm pretty sure I know what's wrong with me. I think that asshole bruised an organ or two and possibly fractured a rib. I know what that feels like. I just have to take it easy and get rest. Did I do that? Nope.

I had to go back and make sure everyone was alright. The image of everyone I cared about dying in front of me kept playing over and over in my head. I was having nightmares from it. So I hobbled my broken self into town. Amora is fine and she said Sven is too. So that's two of them. I happened to run into mostly everyone else just outside the tavern. All of them are alive, that's good. I haven't seen Hloriella, Gerrvir and Emelia though. And I hope my mother is fine, wherever she is.

I had only meant to go into town and check on everyone but Terath had a job for the Guild and since he said there should be no fighting, I decided to go. Well, there was fighting. And there was a ton of people there. Since when did the guild get so popular? Were they all potential members or just townsfolk? Anyway, the job, it turns out that it was kind of a test. A test of leadership and how we all react to certain things. And it looks like we all failed. There were so many there and everyone was throwing out ideas and disagreeing. Everyone was in such a hurry to get to the cave. No one wanted to agree on anything. No wait, everyone did agree that magic had to be used. Why? Cause I guess we are all a bunch of brutes and cannot function without violence. Gods, we are all idiots that just swing swords and axes to fix problems. That must change.

I'm glad that Afer, Rel, and I decided to stay behind so we could discuss it more. I let him know that we need to practice more, just the group and maybe sometimes just the leaders. So we can get a better idea of how everyone works under pressure. That might help everyone.

I also told those three about what happened in Morrowind. Well, I showed them the slave mark and said I was sold to a Telvanni mage. I didn't mention Fedris...or the other stuff. They don't need to know that. It's too complicated to explain. I hope Rel doesn't ask Alex about it. What if Alex tells him everything? I already have a hard time looking at my own boyfriend, wondering what he's thinking and if he can't get that image out of his head. What if he thinks of me differently now? Things feel tense at the moment. At least for me it feels that way. And things were going so well for us, that's just my luck. I really should have just left it alone. I should have just let my mother go to Morrowind, if that's where she wants to be. I shouldn't have trusted Fedris. I don't know what's going to happen now. I just hope it all works out.

And then Afer said some things. He's really not good at talking to me sometimes. Or maybe I'm not good at listening. He was going on about his mother's necklace. I got pissed off and...a little violent. But maybe it was a good thing, to get all of that out. But now I'm not sure how to act around him. He blurted out a lot of things! He said he loved me and that we could have gotten married and had this whole different life together, if he hadn't screwed up so bad. What the hell do you say to that?! I was at a loss for words...so I slapped him. I had wanted to kiss him. I think. I don't know. It popped into my head for a split second, like an impulse. But then I thought about Alex and what I had said to him that night. And that killed that earlier impulse about Afer. Alex stayed stuck in my head. Now I've got little butterflies in my stomach. These butterflies must be dealt with. I wonder if there's a potion for that.

So, Afer and I are friends again. Just friends. Like before. And I'm okay with that.

Also, when the hell did Wren become a guard? And Reliza?! Where's Theo?

HOW FUCKING LONG WAS I GONE?!

Well, I can walk without aid now. And I'm breathing better. Mostly. It still hurts to move in a certain way but I just have to be careful. Afer took my stick and gave it to a blind man. He's lucky that I didn't really need it much more anyway. He and I are trying to be friends again. At first, it was awkward. I kind-of made him tell me about a girl he hooked up with. I honestly wasn't expecting him to go into details, but as Ali pointed out to me, this is Afer we're talking about. He's about as awkward as I am when it comes to sharing things. I shouldn't have gotten mad and punched him in the throat. I felt really bad for that.

But it seems like now we are at a good place. We were joking around about hook ups and he was even doing his silly 'beast head pickup line' to everyone. I'm gonna laugh if it works again and he gets some clingy woman. And maybe now that we've stopped arguing...mostly...then we can work together better. Terath had to break us up today because we got too carried away with...well, whatever that was. We can get along. Hopefully.

And this job that Bethany has for us is getting complicated. We went over traps today. Just traps! There will be a test next week. I'm worried that I won't pass it because I'm still healing. Terath said if I failed it, he might let me try again after a little more time. I will be bummed if I can't go but I trust his judgement on these kinds of things. I also talked to him a little bit more about House dunmer. He didn't have a lot of info on it but he assured me that he doesn't like their ways any more than I do. I find that comforting.

Also, there is a very strange Khajiit going around that's trying to get people to make out under the tree. First she tried to convince me and Terath to do that. Then, me and Afer. She said it's for 'art'. Well, she can go find someone else to do her 'art'. And she uses strange words like wafiie? No, Wayfee. Who the fuck knows.

And Alex FINALLY found me the perfect sweetroll. It was incredibly sweet and creative. I went back to his house after having a chat with Hlor's brother in law...which I will get to later...and he said he had a present for me. At first, I was expecting something dirty cause, well, It's Alex. But I was surprised when it was an actual present. And it was was a crystal sweetroll! It's not a sweetroll that I can eat, at least, I shouldn't try to. But it will last forever. I really like that. I put it up so it won't get knocked over and broken or anything like that. And then we talked a bit more about what happened in Morrowind. He was really understanding and told me that nothing had changed, so that was a huge relief. He's been helping me a lot while I'm healing, getting me potions and even helping me get dressed when I can't reach the buckles or something. I'm planning a surprise for him. I just have to wait until I'm feeling better cause there will be a lot of walking on this date that I'm planning. I think it will be fun.

So yeah, about Hlor's brother in law, Gabriel. I opened my door to find him and Emelia standing there. Apparently, Malaki found out about her being on skooma and is helping her get through it. He told Gabriel to take Emelia somewhere safe so he came to my house. I told them that they could stay in Amora's room when I'm there and when I'm not, the whole house if theirs. I think it's good that Emelia will be somewhere familiar for a few days. I try to spend some time with her during the day. Amora came over to see her too. She just adores Emelia.

And now Amora wants a little sister more than ever. Ugh....I have to find a way to explain this to her. Or maybe I can help her find a girlfriend for Sven. Better him than me, right?

What the fuck is wrong with these people in town? Why do they continue to listen to someone that has, time and time again, completely fucked up?

I like Wren, I do. She's passionate, fun, and very loyal to those she cares about...maybe even too loyal. But she doesn't think or plan or worry about consequences. She reminds me of...me. Even Terath said that once, that we are very alike. I don't know if he meant personality wise or just that we do similar things but I suppose he's right. I can see it now. And she's a guard. Another similarity. Back when I worked as a guard, I fucked up a lot. Sometimes it even got to my head and I let it blind me to certain things. For fucks sake, I unlocked the cell door of a man that murdered his own son and let his daughter walk into the cell with him, and she killed him! I didn't know she was going to do that, I honestly thought she was just going to yell at him. But why did I think that? Why didn't I see how angry she was? That she was grieving so much that she was willing to commit murder herself to try to get rid of that pain? I didn't see it cause she was a friend and I believed she didn't have that in her.

And I didn't even get punished for it. They put me on leave without pay but that was it. Everything just went back to normal. They continued to trust me even though I got someone killed. Granted, he was a murderer but he was in my care and was my responsibility and I fucked that up. This is why people that make bad decisions shouldn't be guards. This is why people that only see the grey area shouldn't be in a position of power. This is why I had to do a lot of growing up before I even thought about joining the Fighter's Guild. And this is why Terath trusting me, anyone trusting me, with other people's lives scares the hell out of me. Because I was once that girl. I was a Wren. And deep down, I might still be her.

I really hope she feels some consequence to this. It sounds cruel to say, but I hope she feels guilty. Guilt makes you grow, it gives you that little voice in the back of your head that constantly reminds you of all the bad decisions you made and reminds you not to make them again. I still fuck up. I still make bad decisions. I made one tonight by convincing Sven to give up his blood to cure that woman. There it was again, that little girl in me that doesn't think things through. I was convinced that Wren would die from losing that much blood. She's constantly over working herself and there's no way in hell she would have took it easy afterwards, and would have just made herself worse. I've seen Sven go through some pretty crazy things and bounce right back from it but this time he didn't and I'm worried. He's not waking up and he looked so....

Ali said he'll be fine, but he needs to rest. I feel like shit. Why did I care so much to offer up one of my oldest friends and the father of my child? I didn't know how I was going to explain this to Amora. I couldn't lie to her, she's not an idiot. It's that damn part of me that just makes a quick decision on the spot, trying to be helpful, but not thinking about the other consequences. Fuck. I hope he's going to be alright. I'll never forgive myself if he isn't. I was feeling so scared and worried that I got sick. I kinda puked on Afer a little bit. He wasn't mad, though. Instead, he took me out for a drink and to get stuff off my chest. We found Hlor and dragged her along too. It was nice. I was able to just let out my frustration and worry. Though, I'm a little worried for Afer. He's been drinking an awful lot lately. I'm gonna have to go to his house and talk with him, just a like old times, and see if he'll tell me what's going on.

I went to Sven and Amora's place and explained what happened. It was awful seeing that look of fear on her face when I told her about the people trying to help this woman. She even offered her own blood to save her. She's so much like her dad. And she's really proud of him too. She wants to cook him a feast when he's back on his feet. I don't know how I got so lucky to have such a good kid. I took her back to my house for the night. We'll probably stay here until Sven is ready to go back home. I thought of taking her to Alex's but she's so worried about her dad, I think it's best if she's somewhere familiar. Gabriel understood and he decided to rent a room close by. Amora really loves spending time with Hlor's kid.

Something else happened. When Afer yelled at me to kill the woman after people were starting to turn into trees, I threw my dagger at her and missed. I wasn't even in combat or distracted. And I missed. I never miss.

I'm not leading very well.

We did the test and it was a mock ruin. It was done really well and made you feel like you were in an actual ruin. They blindfolded all the Swordsmen and their group had to help lead them through it. I've never really been in a ruin like this before. Not since joining the Fighter's Guild. I've been around traps but none like this. I even forgot what we were going after, my first mistake. I should have had them go over the rules again. I fucked up on that too by not going first.

I don't care what they say. Yeah, maybe we set off their traps, but my group was good. Storm is good at thinking outside of the box. He offered to let me hold on to his tail so that I wouldn't accidentally set off any traps. And for a Khajiit, I'm guessing that's a big deal. And Cirlin was very observant and came up with some good ideas. Both of them followed orders very well and worked good together. And they trusted each other. I saw that while we were sparring. They didn't once bicker or try to one-up the other. They were there to learn and I think they did. Neither one of them acted like they knew it all, like that altmer Adsomer...whatever his name is. And that bosmer Disyne- I can't fucking spell it. Dissy, is what I'll write. Those two bickered too much. How can you get through a ruin if you can't stop bitching at each other for two seconds? I guess it's good they had Boris to tell them what to do cause they'd probably die in there with just each other.

I just wish Terath had seen my group during the sparring. They did a little unarmed combat. Then I showed Cirlin how to tackle someone much bigger than her. Towards the end, I was asking them about their strengths and then giving them questions about how they would get out of a situation that was aimed at their weaknesses. They did good at that as well. Then we discussed the test and how we could have done better. I think they were disappointed about setting off the traps, but in all honesty, it my fault. I should have asked more questions. But I think they learned from the mistakes we all made and that will help them through the actual ruin. I have nothing but complete faith in them.

In myself, though? Not very much. I mean, I always doubt myself. I think I'm getting better at talking to people. I kept telling them during the test that they were doing well and to just take their time. But I don't have as much experience as Rel, who did terrific. People really trust him too. And Boris is really good at making sure people aren't fucking off when it's time to be serious. I'm the odd man out here and I think people are noticing it. When it's time to pick groups, I hesitate to chose anyone because I don't want them to feel like they are stuck with me. And then I just stand there awkwardly as the other two get their groups filled out. It gives me flashbacks of the orphanage back in Riften, when the kids would play games and I wasn't welcome to play with them cause I was shorter, younger and skinnier. Plus, the pointed ears didn't help. I remember one time I went out into the little building behind the orphanage, it was snowing and cold, and I was alone. I had stolen a knife from the kitchen. I had planned to cut the tips off my ears so I could look more like them. The knife was dull and wouldn't cut, it just scrapped my ear. Pulled off a little bit of skin. I started crying and I heard a voice. Scared the shit out of me. But it was just her. Kenna. My first real friend. Well, she wasn't my friend yet, but I think that's what started it. She felt sorry for me or something and every day we'd go to that shed and just talk. She wouldn't talk to me in front of the other kids or else they would have bullied to her too. But every day I looked forward to going to that shed.

I wish I had that shed to go to now. Sometimes I wish I'd get demoted or could just quit. It gets so overwhelming sometimes. But, no, I'll just keep trying. If I feel like I'm just going to get someone killed, then I'll quit.



This page was torn out but then placed back in the journal.

I can't believe it.

Or maybe I can. I don't know. Terath has been telling me for months that I have what it takes but I just lack the confidence. I wasn't sure if he was just trying to build up my confidence or if he actually believed it. But after this talk, I suppose he actually believes that. He came to speak to me about the test. He said that Wren and Boris both requested that I don't go on the ruin job.

I wasn't surprised. I thought I would feel angry at hearing that but I didn't. If anything, I felt...I don't know what word fits. All I know is that I wanted to go run back to that shed and just hide. Terath didn't say anything for a little while. He just stared at me. I almost just gave up, like usual. Normally, I'd just throw down the armor and say 'fuck it' and just let them all win. But then I did feel angry. So I just went off. I told him that Boris didn't know a damn thing about me and that one test didn't define me or my skills. And I told him where Wren could take her damn opinions. I don't trust her and after all the stuff I've seen her do, that will probably never change. I told him that those two in my group learned from me that day and we all trusted each other. We learned together. We failed together. And hell, we even had a win or two together. So, I told him to keep me from the job if he wanted to but I wasn't going to just give up and that I would get better.

Then he really surprised me. He said he disagreed with them and that I was going on the ruin job. I couldn't believe it! I still can't believe it! I was so happy, I could have hugged him but I didn't. I didn't want to get weird on him. So then we just talked. He wants to spar with me and help me with my sword training. He and Afer both suggested that I try shield training as well and heavy armor. Terath says I'll need to gain some weight in order to handle all that heavy weight. I guess I'll need to change my workout and diet. Maybe I'll ask the guys for some tips.

Afer took me to his house to give me a gift. The gift was a really cool sword that he found while fighting some werewolves. I was excited about the sword, but his house is a damn mess! He has mead bottles everywhere! I couldn't even see the floor! Then he broke his keg cause it was empty. He has a problem and I'm worried. But he keeps telling me that it's nothing. He even missed the test for the ruin! I told him that he needed to take the test but does he listen? No. He just says he's worried about making me a better leader. He's obsessed! And he's gonna fuck up. Oh well...

And here's the really crazy stuff....

I go back to Alex's and he said some dunmer came to his house, posing as a friend of mine and then tried to drug him! And when that didn't work, she tried to seduce him! My boyfriend...in his own home! He's way too trusting! He just invites strange women into his home! And he was in his underwear! He needs to find something to do. He has entirely way too much time on his hands to not even bother getting dressed every day. But he did at least do one thing well: he got her re-thinking her loyalties. He thinks he can get this woman to work for him so he can keep an eye on her. I think he's playing with fire. I trust him. I don't trust her. The woman is evil. I told him that. But does he listen? No.

They never listen.

Let's not listen to the girl that has dealt with this crazy bitch.

Let's not listen to the girl that used to have a drinking problem and knows how to deal with it.

Let's not listen to the elf that probably has more daedra and cursed kills under her belt than most everyone else in the guild.

She's just Crazy Elf.

Gah....I hate that nickname. I need to go build a shed.

Afer's drinking has gotten out of control. I knew he was drinking a lot but I didn't know it had gotten this bad. He sparred with the mage, Amelie, who won. But even after I told him many times that the spar was over, he wanted it to continue. Even though he couldn't move at all. Then, he tried to pick a fight with Terath. Thankfully, Rel showed up and we managed to keep them away from each other. I don't know why I take up for Afer so much. For some reason, I tried to blame Terath for 'egging him on', even though he was just standing there. Maybe the rocks in my uniform were causing me frustration. Or maybe, even though I know he's dead wrong, I still want to believe that Afer knows what he's doing and is trying to teach me something.

I don't think I believe that anymore. After talking to them, I went looking for Afer, to make sure he was alright. I found him at our spot, drinking. It looks like he's been drinking there a *lot*. There were mead bottles everywhere, even in the little memorial that Fedris and I had made when we thought he was dead. It kind of pissed me off but I held in my anger. At least, until he almost fell off the damn cliff while trying to open a bottle! I had to grab him and pull him back. My freaking heart stopped beating for a moment, I'm sure of it. I was terrified that he was gonna fall to his death. He tried to play if off like it was nothing. Like it was a joke! So I started shoving him away from the edge and calling him a coward. He told me to stop. I didn't. I told him to 'kick my ass' since he's been so set on beating up someone. I figured he'd do what he always does: vent and yell, maybe try to wrestle me to the ground. I was ready for that. I wasn't ready for what he did.

For a drunk, he moved faster than I thought he would. Maybe it was that built up anger that did it. I just know that by the time I realized what was happening, I was on my back and he had already punched me more than once. I had to scream at him to stop. That look in his eyes...he was more than just pissed. I don't even think he saw me because when I yelled, he looked confused and backed off. Then he puked. I got up and told him to have a nice life, then found myself back in the Guild Hall. I couldn't go home like that. Amora and Sven would have had questions. I couldn't go back to Alex's...more questions. So I just stayed there. Then Terath showed up. He saw my face, which was bloody, dirty and swollen. There was no hiding that. I tried to brush it off but he kept on and even guessed who had done it. To say he was pissed would be an understatement. I could see in his face that he wanted to go find Afer and beat him into the ground. Even after I told him that it was my fault! He says it wasn't, that Afer took it too far. Then I started crying. I'm not even sure why. I've gotten my ass kicked before, many times! I even told Terath the other night about the time I picked a fight with a huge Nord and we laughed about it. Not sure why this felt different. It can't be because Afer's my friend cause Hloriella's kicked my ass before and I hardly cared. I don't know. I just know that it felt similar to how I felt the day that Mystery Man had told me that Afer had died. Does that mean our friendship had died? No, I'm not gonna try to figure it out. I just know that I'm glad Terath was there. He's, surprisingly, been the best friend I've had the past few weeks. I've told him some stuff that I haven't told anyone. And he's trusted me with some personal stuff of his own. Hell, he even helped clean the blood off my face! I asked him not to hit Afer. There I go again, trying to protect him. And speaking of friends....Where the fuck has Hloriella been lately?!

So, the next day he confronted him. It was really hard to watch. Afer was drunk, of course. He wouldn't even look at me. Then he tried to drink right in the middle of the confrontation! Terath slapped the bottle out of his hand and they just stared each other down for a minute. It was so intense. I thought I was gonna be sick or something. It felt like someone was tying my stomach into knots. Afer kept trying to make excuse and saying his drinking wasn't out of control. I think Terath had enough and punched him. He hit Afer, I think, three times? Funny, Afer hit me three times and then got hit back three times. But anyway, Afer got knocked out. Terath threw him over his shoulder and headed up to towards the clinic, where Seriduril was. Now, I don't know how it happened but I think Terath said he asked to be arrested. I had gone back to get his sword and shield, so I missed that part.

I felt like shite. And a snitch. And guilty. So I explained my part of the whole thing to Seriduril. Kashya heard some of it when she walked in. I thought for sure that I was in trouble too since I did push Afer and told him to kick my ass. But, I don't know, they said it wasn't my fault either. I feel like I'm missing something here.

I told them about Afer's drinking problem and Seri suggested that jail time might do him some good, might sober him up and show him what he did was wrong. It sounded like a good idea at the time so I agreed to press charges. I regretted it almost immediately. You're not supposed to snitch on your friends! I guess we'll find out if this does anything. Kashya wanted me to work it out with Afer but I can't right now. I just feel guilty every time I look at him. I never should have told him about the skooma or the mark on my wrist or what happened in Morrowind. If I hadn't, then maybe he wouldn't have started drinking. He's right, I share too damn much.

I started writing Kana a letter. I wanted to tell her that her....well, I'm not sure what I was going to write. How do you put 'I broke your father, who's not dead by-the-way, and I need you to come fix him' on paper?

And this is not even the most surprising thing that happened the past two days.

I told Alex that I loved him.....while I had a black eye and after explaining how I got two of my best friend's arrested.

I'm such a romantic.

What a rush!

That job was possibly the most exciting thing I've ever done in the Guild! It was dangerous and people got hurt, but no one was too seriously injured and we didn't lose anyone! We also managed to get the box we were after. So, I'd call that a very successful job well done! I also kind of feel like it was a test of sorts. Terath kept looking to me and Rel to make most of the decisions. I can understand that because he's leaving town soon and that means Rel and I will be the ones people have to go to. And I'll be acting as Hall Steward. That still seems very odd to me, but I'm gonna try my best. Thank the gods for Rel, though. He's the smart and experienced one. He's good at making decisions during stressful times. That's something I'm trying to learn...and I think I'm getting better at it. Terath had told me before to make a decision and stick to it, even if it turns out to be the wrong one because it will help with my confidence and people don't normally trust a leader that doesn't have confidence in themselves. So, that's what I did, I led. And I think I did okay at it. Rel did really great too! He battled that damn centurion with his freakin broom! He got his ass hurt, broken ribs I think, but he helped get everyone out of there. I took a risk at making it follow me. I was trying to get it to walk right off the cliff but it tripped on the steps and got stuck. But hey, that gave us enough time to get the hell out of there!

Everyone did fantastic! No one used magic and they all took their time with the traps. I was really impressed with everyone. And after the job, I had a talk with Terath about promotions and gave my opinion on them. He said he'd take my suggestions in consideration. It's such a great feeling to be a part of something that makes you feel appreciated. And I'm good at it! I never thought I'd be in the Fighter's Guild, much less actually enjoy it and excel at it. I always figured I'd stay a thief or find a ship crew to be a part of. Now, that I miss sometimes. I miss sailing. Alex is looking to buy a new ship and maybe when he does, I'll go with him sometimes. Rel says he's up to something and I asked Alex about it and sure enough, he is. He said he can't talk about it though, not yet. So, I won't push it. Alex and I had a nice talk after Rel gave me some advice. When I told him that I loved him, he seemed happy about it. He kissed me and said he doesn't mind me saying it. Well, I'm not going to say it all the time. Then it doesn't seem so special. He didn't say it back and I didn't want him to. I know he's trying to move slow. I am too, but I had already blurted it out by accident and it had been on my mind ever since, so I had to explain. We're in a really good place right now. I think we're starting to move past all this crazy stuff that's been happening lately. Like what saw and had to do in Morrowind. No, I'm not even gonna write about that. It's not a factor anymore. It won't define me or him. Or even Fedris. Water under the bridge, as they say. Wait, who actually said that?

I'm even starting to be more open about it. I'm still keeping the mark covered up. But I'll at least talk about it now. I told Keys about me being sold off in Morrowind and how my mother thinks being a slave is normal. I told her to stay away from house dunmer like that, like Dres and Telvanni. I hope I didn't scare her. She's a tough young khajiit. Hell, she's training to battle cursed and daedra. And she's doing a damn fine job of it too! I told Terath that she was doing really well and deserved some recognition. I hope she sticks with the Guild for a while, at least until she becomes a Clanmother.

I'm still doing my training. The training Afer had showed me. And I'm eating everything in sight, to help build more muscle. I'm sure Alex thinks I'm gonna get fat. He doesn't seem to mind. I mean, he's always bringing me sweetrolls. And I'm really liking using a sword and shield! It's even more fun than daggers! I like all of this change. I feel more like me than I have in a long time.



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I found Afer at our spot. He managed to find all the pieces of the memorial that I kicked off the cliff and put it back together. I brought his shield back. The one I kept from Kana. I left it there, to make up for destroying the memorial Fedris put together. We talked. We came to some conclusions and I think we came up with a solution to our problems with each other.

I'm feeling a lot of things right now, but mostly relieved. I think the stress and fighting will end now. For both of us.

Seriduril isn't so scary. At least, not like I thought he was. Though I was pretty sure that he was gonna stomp that jester into the ground for throwing pie at him. That dunmer has some balls, I'll give him that! Who the hell throws a pie at the Major's face? Especially when that Major is a tall grunting Altmer? He must be fearless. Or nuts.

And he interrupted my conversation! I was have a nice talk with Seriduril about how he gets along well with most of the guards. They all seem to have fun together, hanging out and cooking and stuff. He said it helps with trust. He told me that he'd like to get to know the other guards better. I'm gonna talk to Fedris when he's back and mention that to him. He could really use some more friends too. And who better than his co-workers? I wonder if the Fighter's Guild should do that. We all had a dinner after the Siege and it was nice. I don't really know any of them but Terath and Rel. And Afer. I talk to Keys sometimes. I should talk to her more, she always has interesting things to say.

I keep thinking about how nice it would be to have some friends over one time, just to have dinner and talk. It was really nice when me, Alex, Rel and Anette ate dinner together. Though, a little awkward cause I had just walked in on them naked and doing it on the couch but once they got their clothes on, it was nice dinner. Hm...maybe I should invite Hloriella, Fedris and Styletta over one day. No...no, Hlor and Fedris would be bickering the whole time. Maybe Terath, Wren, and Alex? No...Wren and Alex would be bickering the whole time. Oh! Maybe my mom and Gerr- No. Fuck no. Can't even believe I thought that would work. Oh! Amora and Sven. Yes, that will work. Though, I come over and eat their food all the time so it's not really doing anything different. And I'm not really good at cooking unless it's making jerky. I could just serve jerky and mead. I mean, I do have a keg.

"I invite you all, my new friends, to enjoy spicy deer jerky and mead at my home."

Perfect.

Meh...I'll just keep my jerky and mead to myself.

So much has happened. I feel stressed. But, I think I'm doing well. I hope I'm doing well.

Thorn seems to be alive. I first found out from reading a letter addressed to Terath by Elsy. I assumed it was Guild business and not a personal letter. I suppose it's a good thing that I'm nosy, for once. When I didn't see Thorn in the Guild Hall, I assumed he was banished from town and I found out that I was right. I immediately contacted Bethany and she took me and Afer to see Thorn. I talked to him for a few minutes. He looked like himself. He talked like himself. He even remembered me. But, I know that it could all be some kind of trick or trap. It's my job to assume that it is until it's proven otherwise. Afer, Bethany and the others are so quick to blame the town....and I was too at first, but they are doing their job. This isn't their expertise anyway. They don't handle daedra problems on a daily basis. That's where the Guild comes in.

So I told them that I need to witness every test. Every single one of them. It doesn't matter if it's been done before or doesn't seem necessary. It has to be done that way, if he ever wants to be welcome into town again. They agreed to this. I'm giving thorn some time to rest first because this will be stressful for him. I really hope that is Thorn. The real Thorn. I just don't think everyone can take losing him again if it's not. They want Kashya to override the banishment. I sent Bethany and Afer a letter explaining that it's Seriduril that they need to convince. He's not the Marshal, but he has a lot of pull in the Guard. And the other Guards really respect him and follow him. I told them to prepare for the chance that Thorn might not ever be welcome back into town again. Cause, at the moment, that's the decision. But if these tests prove that Thorn is Thorn, I may be able to convince Terath that. And then maybe he can talk to the Guard. I asked Bethany and Afer if the tests can wait until Terath is back so he can witness them himself, but I haven't been able to speak with them again yet. Three weeks. Maybe two. If they can just hold out that long, it may just work out for everyone.

Wren seems to think I'm doing an alright job so far. Funny, I figured she'd be the one to be the most critical. But we seem to be working together on this. She searched the town for anything that would summon a portal but she was in a rush when she did it so I offered to look too, just to make sure nothing was missed. I didn't find anything. I really am trying to be neutral here. I want to make sure the town is safe from threats, but I also want to help a former guild member. I'm just trying to do what I think I should do. What Terath would do, too. This is harder than I thought it would be.

Our first training lesson with me as temporary Steward is soon. I hope everyone shows up for it. I'd feel dumb standing there with a bunch of training weapons all by myself. Well, I know Boris won't be there because it seems like she's took off. Her dad is with her. Wren says she might be there against her will, but...would a father really do that? It's a scary thought.


And then there was the other night. I was already in a stressed out state and thought a party would lift my spirits....it only made things worse. Charlotte was there and it bugged me. She was acting all high and mighty. Rich bitch. We were playing truth or dare and that quickly turned venomous. We both said some horrible things to each other but when she accused me of using Afer and then of just jumping into bed with Alex right after, I snapped and tried to hit her. Thankfully, Alex stopped me. I'm a little embarrassed cause Storm was standing right there too. And I'm his boss! I'm supposed to be a better example than that. I went back to Alex's but I couldn't sleep. I was still mad. I then something he told me earlier has me completely freaked out. I just don't know how to process it. I'm worried and I'm...I don't even know. I'm just feeling like I'm physically ill. I got the hell out of there, left him a note on the pillow. I'm staying at my own house for a night or two. I just need to be alone. I told Gabriel to take Emelia back home. Hloriella is fine now, she can handle her kid. I need my space back. I need my house and my things. I need to think.

I need to be alone.

This was possibly the most embarrassing day of my life.

Everything started out as normal. I brought Terath some food and then went to the Guild Hall to check for any jobs or messages. There was a bottle sitting on the desk with my name on it. There was recently a big auction and a lot of booze was sold, I figured it was from that. I tested it for poison. I'm not a complete idiot. But, well, it was spiked with something. A love potion. And the first person I saw, activated the spell.

That person was Arthur. Damn Arthur! Of all people!

I was acting like a damn love sick idiot. I was hugging on him, kissing him and calling him 'my love'. It was fucking embarrassing! He was running from me! Bethany happened to walk by and witnessed most of it. She was either just completely shocked or unsure if it was a joke or not. Then, of course, Hloriella comes walking up and just finds it amusing as hell. Fetching Arthur and his damn bad luck. He saw some birds heading his way and instead of running away, he just stood there and let me grab him. So there we were, standing in the middle of the town square with about 30 birds flying over our heads. I should have known what was going to happen next, but my head was not very clear. Suddenly, I felt something being poured onto my head. Then, something...biting and scratching me! I looked around and I saw bird poop and squirrel fur EVERYWHERE! And if that wasn't bad enough, who just happens to walk by? ALEX.

Yup. Here comes my boyfriend, not expecting to see his girlfriend hugging on some strange Imperial, both covered in bird poop and having just been attacked by squirrels. YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!

Thankfully, he noticed something was very off about me and managed to talk me into going with him and Hloriella. He said he was gonna help me 'Win Arthur's heart'. That was the only way he could get me to go. First, we went to his house so I could wash up and change. Hlor was no fucking help. No, wait, she did pull some seaweed off my back. Give her a fucking cookie. Then, we went to the Gold Coast and talked to a Priestess of Dibella. She seemed to know about the spell I was on and removed it from me. I was so embarrassed, I could have died right there. Hlor blamed Alex at first. But then said it must have been one of Afer's pranks. I talked to Afer later, and while he found it hilarious, he said it wasn't him. I believe him. He wouldn't try to mess up things between me and Alex. I'm gonna have to be more careful about what I drink from now on.

Damn Arthur. I'm gonna have to apologize to him now. If he won't run from me.

Different Phases
"One waxin' and one wanin'"

That makes sense...I think. Keys is a smart one. I wonder if she just figured out something in two seconds that I've been pulling my hair out over all night and half a day.

I need to research the different moon phases more. Then maybe Sugar Paws' warning will make more sense. It would be good to have some idea of when to expect these Telvanni Dunmer. The Slavers. For now, I've just been staying at Alex's house and I've told Sven and Amora to stay away from my place. I lied and said I was having more repairs done. Gabriel and Emelia finally went home too. Not that I didn't enjoy having Emelia around, it's just that the Sloanes make me nervous. Even the good one.

I lied to Keys and I feel bad for it. She helped me out and I just...lied. But how could I explain to her why I needed that answer? "The crazy Khajiit woman that I'm sure is on drugs was warning me about the slavers that had me a while back."

Oh actually that was pretty easy. But still, she's only thirteen. And Terath was standing there. The last thing I need is for a blind mer to get all protective and distracted. He needs to focus on healing. And only that. I think I'll see if I can talk to Keys later about this. About the Moon Phases. I also met a dunmer named Llevis. He had some bird thing with him. It looked like a fat chicken with a big mouth. It was cute! I couldn't stop petting him. His name was Honey. Or was it was girl? I forget now. Said it was a chubloon? No, chublion? Chub something. Either way, I think it's fucking cute. I want one.

I told Alex about me flirting with Terath...and the 'tub incident'. He laughed about it and said he wished he had been there to see it. I guess my embarrassment is humorous to him. Okay...maybe it is pretty hilarious. But at least he wasn't bothered by it. I just didn't want him to think that I felt something was missing or that I was one of those girls that has to flirt with everyone. I'm done with that. There's no point in it. I'm happy.

He told me what 'join your crew' meant. It has to do with the slave mark on my wrist. The process sounds a bit painful and it's permanent but...I'm going to do it. I trust him with this. Then I told him that I wanted to finish the tattoo on my hip, the half heart one that never got finished. I asked him to help me with it and to be there with me for it. He was really flattered that I asked. So I have those two things to look forward to. I'm kind of nervous about the first one. I'm not sure why. I have marks, scars and tattoos all over me. Why does this feel different? I guess cause my whole future depends on it.

I wonder what Hlor means by the dunmer is back. She can't mean Lleris. Is it Rildoris that she's thinking of? Scarlett is here...maybe he followed her. Fuck! I cannot deal with this. Well, it's a good thing that I'm staying at Alex's. Even when he's not at home I feel safer there. I need to talk to Fedris about wards. He mentioned having some put up at his house. Perhaps he can tell me how to do that to Sven's house. Amora must be safe.

The Fighter's Guild did a job for some merchant. At least, we thought he was just a merchant. He turned out to be a skooma dealer. He was hiding the stuff in crate with chickens! The damn chickens were drinking the stuff! They got really weird and violent. One of them died. And the skooma dealer was killed. Assassins or something. I went back to the abandoned fort, to check out where the person or persons may have been hiding. I didn't see much. No tracks. Nothing left behind. I'm gonna be more alert from now on. Afer said I should have made everyone leave that second but their target was killed. They wouldn't have stuck around, right? There were too many of us to fight anyway....right? Hm, maybe I need to think more like a leader and less like a survivor. I also didn't see Keys around so I must have missed her. I told Afer that he shouldn't have left her but he said she didn't want anyone to stay behind with her. It's easy to forget that she's still a kid. She's more mature than most her age but still, thirteen years old. Same age as Kana and Amora.

I'm also stressing out over Kana. The brother of Dunther's old owner kidnapped him! Right in front of me! Kana had me distracted with her millions of questions about Fedris. The poor girl has it bad for the goofy dunmer. But anyway, I wasn't able to stop him before he leaped into a portal. Then Kana leaped in after him! I followed the two and I think maybe we were in Skyrim. Possibly....I'm not sure. The building looked nordish. The gross Nord tried to trick us. He wanted to arm wrestle for the dog. And to make it even more humiliating, he said if he won then he wanted a night with me. Disgusting creep! Well, he was stronger than me so I lost. But there was no way in hell that I was staying there. But before I could come up with another agreement, Kana attacked him! She's crazy! Just like her stubborn father! Then, she wouldn't leave! So I had to leave the idiot there so I could go get her father. Oh I'm sure Afer is blaming me for it all but HE should have took care of this Dunther business a long time ago when we found that kid in Eastmarch.

Now we have to fight a freaking troll. And from the sound of it, it's no ordinary troll. Just my luck.

Arrogant. Big-Headed. Impatient. A fucking man-child!

That's what he is!

I fucking told them ALL to not touch anything. But did he hear me say that? No. He only focuses on when I bitch at him. Keys and I knew that those weapons were trouble. Why would a mercenary company that hates us send us gifts? It was fishy from the beginning but since it was only me and Keys that said something, most of them decided we were being too paranoid. If only Rel were there! They would have listened to him! Even Ads said that those weapons were a trap. He wouldn't touch them. And it was good that he didn't! Afer's shot lava out at me. My shield didn't work half the time. Brother Terrance's summoned a scamp. Jri's forced everyone close by off the ramp when hitting something. Cirlin's almost turned her into a tree. And Keys' boots made her go really high and then kept her anchored to the ground. Hers didn't sound so bad but what happens if she goes too high? I'm surprised no one got badly hurt.

Oh but THEN Afer wanted to lock them all up, saying they were too dangerous. But, of course, that was after he tried to go hide his. I got so pissed off and I probably should have waited until I was calm to speak to him but I couldn't take it anymore. I told him to stop stepping on toes and he WALKS OFF. Just right in the middle of me talking! So, I follow him. Keys and Terath followed us. And I just went off. He, of course, had excuses for everything. He said ranks don't matter and I only focus on ranks. Well, if he were Steward again, THEN the ranks would matter. Then Keys spoke up and said it felt like he treated her like a child. I was so glad that she took up for herself. but then he really got under my skin when he said that he allowed Keys to take control of a job. <Many profanities and scribbles are here>

I did that! It was my idea because I wanted her to learn leadership and I wanted him to learn to follow orders and I asked Rel to supervise them both. But he's making it sound like he was the one supervising.

Then he said something about how I don't like Kana either and left to go drink.

STUBBORN! The both of them are. I care about them but they are so much alike and they drive me crazy sometimes. We have to fight that troll tomorrow. I hope Afer and I can just not fight long enough to get this done. It's going to be me, Afer and Fedris. Kana will be there and he says that she's only going to watch but I bet she will jump in somehow. Then maybe he can see what I'm talking about. She's impulsive! And it's going to get her hurt. Keys suggested letting Kana go on a job or have Terath train her. I think it's a good idea but who knows if Afer will allow it. I'm gonna talk to him after we both calm down. Maybe if we just talk calmly about how we feel- no, we'll probably end up yelling or sparring it out. Afer doesn't do feelings.

He's got to pull back. I know he can do it.

Great, this whole page has been about him. See what he does to me? How did we not kill each other while we were dating?

Oh and Terath announced the promotions today! Cirlin, J'varr and Ads got Journeyman. Keys, Afer and Storm are now Swordsmen. Rel is Protector now and I'm Defender. I knew he was going to promote me to that but it was still a little shocking to hear him say it. I hope now, after getting on to Afer, that he doesn't regret giving me that promotion. He thinks maybe he promoted Afer too soon. I had told him that Afer was ready. I don't think it's too soon. I just think he's still used to doing things his way. He was gone for nearly a year, doing his own thing. Now he's jumped right back into the Guild and it has to be different for him, not being Hall Steward like before.

Gods dammit, there I go again.

This merc group. I don't think we've heard the last of them.

I don't think we're friends anymore.

I can't even remember everything that was said, there was so much yelling. I threatened to quit Guild. Actually I did quit at that moment. I was so frustrated, tired and done with the fighting. I can't handle the arguing anymore. We tried yelling at each other and talking calmly, neither worked. He said that I haven't shown him a reason for him to follow me. He says I just throw ranks up. I tried to explain that the ranks matter. If we don't follow them, then it's chaos. We're not a small Guild like we used to be when he was running it. It's growing. He just didn't get why it bothers me that he takes over so much. If I haven't shown him that I can be a good leader, then maybe he should ask himself if he's ever really given me the chance to show him. Then he wanted to make up, I guess. I wasn't ready to. Call me stubborn or a grudge holder but I wasn't going to just say that everything's OK and then we go back to fighting tomorrow. He took that as an end to our friendship. I think he was crying. I feel like shit now.

I got back to Alex's and just stared at the floor, waiting for him to come home. Rel showed up and I told him that I was quitting. He hit me upside the head! Then asked why Afer's opinion matters so much. I really couldn't come up with a good answer. He told me that I was doing good and that he trusted me. He always said that if I did something he didn't agree with then he'd tell me. And Rel's commanded more people than we have in our whole town! So what if I don't have the experience that these guys do? Experience isn't everything, right? Afer said I'm going through the ranks too fast but maybe that just means I'm doing good. I guess he thinks we as just filling out the ranks with bodies. Or maybe since it took him longer to get higher up then it should take me longer too. But he says ranks shouldn't matter so why is he worried about it? He probably thinks I'm gonna get someone killed. I worry about that too. Funny, all the things he says are little thoughts that have been popping up in my head lately. Little insecurities.

I can't think about this anymore. I need to go visit my mom. She's about to have the baby soon.

It's been a rough few days.

Slavers are kidnapping people from town. Viottia, Estre, Storm, and Amae. I worry for Storm but I remind myself that he's strong and has a good head on his shoulders. He'll know how to handle this and not get killed. But still, he's a friend and Guild member. It was painful not seeing him at the job today. I hope we find them soon. Amae and Estre are guards, so they should be alright. No, wait, they won't be alright but I'm sure that they will be....fuck, I don't even know what to say. No words fit. Being a slave fucking sucks. We need our people back.

The woman from the kidnapping a while back showed up today. Elessia is her name. I think that's how to spell it. We were all pretty suspicious of her at first but the job she gave us turned out to be legit. Now we are waiting on payment. I'm still weary of this company. I used the shield they gave us as a kind of message to them. I was hoping it would fail in front of her so that she'd see what a piece of shit it was, but it didn't. Maybe it's not that bad then? But still, I'm keeping an eye on her.

Keys lead the job and did really well. No surprise there. I had hoped one of the other Swordsmen would be there to try their hand at leading but Afer was late and Storm's been kidnapped. But next time. There will be a next time for them. I had suggested Adsomar but I don't think he was up for the task this time. Hopefully another time. But the job went mostly smooth. Some injuries but nothing too serious. Hlor wants to join as associate and we got a new member today as well, so that was good news!

I talked to Afer and I think we worked things out. I was moody at first and didn't want to listen to him but he finally got everything out in the open and I'm glad he got all of it off his chest. For some stupid reason, I cried. It wasn't anything he said, I had just been holding that in for so long. I told him about the warning I got, about the Telvanni slaver coming here and how I had been worried that it was connected to what's happening now but he doesn't think so. It seems that the jester Sadri is behind it. Who would have known? And there's notes all over the place about the Rose Garden being involved. I honestly don't think they'd be in the slave trade but I've been wrong before.

After Afer and I had that fight a few nights ago, I had a long talk with Rel. He listened to me vent, gave some advice and cheered me up. He's a such a good friend to me and a good brother to Alex. By the end of the chat, we were joking around and decided to prank Alex a little bit. Rel hid behind a divider while I tried to convince Alex that I wanted to get married, right that second. It was pretty funny at first, up until he threw in the ocean! He had heard Rel laugh and said he knew I wouldn't have said that to him like I did, if I had really meant it. Funny though, it led to a more serious conversation about what we both want in the future. It looks like we want the same things, so that's good. That's really good.

Amora stayed a few days with Kana. I told Afer to keep a close watch on her. She returned this morning and talked my head off about how much fun she had. She really likes being around Kana. I think it's good for both of them to have a friend their age. I wonder if Keys would get along with them. Or has she grown up too fast? Maybe it would be good for her to be around more girls her age. I'll have to see about that.

The baby is almost here. I'm nervous and excited. Mostly nervous.

<Something was spilled on this entry, making it nearly impossible to read.>

Possible Spoilers

So he really is here. That Telvanni bastard, Lleris Serethi, is really here and he’s looking for me. I wanted to believe that the Khajiit woman was just crazy but she brought me proof, real proof: Hloriella’s cousin, Selvik. He asked me to give Hloriella something. I don’t trust him but he is her cousin. He seemed spooked. He didn’t even look like a Noble. He was dirty and looked like he’d been living out in the woods for a while. Did her family finally lose everything? I didn’t feel bad for him. The minute I found out who he was, I greeted him with a punch to the face. He went down like a sack of potatoes. Fucking Nobles. He was confused, acting like he didn’t know what I was talking about. Hell, maybe he doesn’t know but I don’t care. Everything that happened to Hlor after he stole her home and threw her onto the streets is his fault and he should know it. He should feel guilty for it.

Then he told me why Lleris was looking for me. I thought maybe it was revenge for Alex hurting him but nope, it looks like he’s wanting me for breeding purposes. Gross. Fucking slavers. And something about my skin? He didn’t go into detail but Sugar said it had to do with magic. So breeding their slaves and testing magic on them is what their plan is. Well, I kinda figured that while they had me over there in Morrowind. I asked if they were looking for anyone else and he said yes, a family member. Rildoris. So, he’s looking for the other Serethi. Just my fucking luck! Maybe he’ll find Rildoris and we can just get rid of them both at the same time. And Scarlett too.

I want to find out more about these Serethi’s. Are there more? Are they all evil like these two? Funny how both of them tried to convince me that I belonged to each of them. They’re so alike, both big headed and think themselves some kind of God. Maybe I’ll get really lucky and they’ll just kill each other. I can hope, can’t I?

I am no one’s fucking slave.

____________________________________________________________________________________________


To-Do List:

Fix locks on my house
Talk to Alex or Fedris about Enchantments
Get the cradle ready for Minna
Change sheets on bed
Burn sheets after Gerr and Mom leave, cause gross
Warn Sven
Talk to Terath about him?
Warn Rel about him?
Find a more suitable shield and sword, maybe enchant one?
Give Hlor that letter, or whatever it is
Find Goat Bastard
Figure out which T will betray me. My bet is on S
FIND SCARLETT

We saved our people.

Most of them, anyway. Amae is still missing. Keys was really torn up about it. I tried the tough act first, seeing if that would pump her up but then she looked at me with this look of....

I couldn't do that to her. She's a kid. She's just a fucking kid! She reminded me of Amora, so I just hugged her and told her that everything would be okay. I told her that she was doing everything right and that she was helping save lives. What other thirteen year old's can say that? But she's still just a fucking kid! She needs to just be a kid sometimes. When she's older and looks back on her life, I hope that it's not just filled with fighting, death and tears. I want her to remember laughter and friendship. I feel awful for her. She is growing up too fast. Was it a mistake to have her be Swordsman? Or to even let her join in the first place? Are we just helping push her childhood away and jump right into adulthood? And a really violent one at that. We can't undo it now. It's all been done. But now I wonder just how many of those tears she cried did I contribute to?

Afer is lying again. Keeping secrets, but what else is knew?

I wanted to believe him when he told me that day on the pier that there wouldn't be anymore secrets. I believed him that day in S'ren-Ja when he said no more lies. Why can't he just trust me? What do I have to do to prove to him that I would do anything for him? We fight, sure. But when it really matters, he can count on me. I thought he knew that.

I. Hate. Lies.

And now he's gotten that woman, Viotta involved. We just saved her from slavers. She's only been away from them for a day and he thought screwing her was a good idea? What if she's still traumatized? Can he really handle that? Will he know what to do if she starts freaking out on him? And now he's lying to her! Right from the start! This....is all so complicated. But I'm not going to say anything to him. He can figure that out on his own. He told me last night that he doesn't want me in his 'troubles' anymore.

Those words he said. They seemed familiar.

And Hloriella was a gods-damn mess. I was covered in blood when I got home and dammit, so was she! Gonna have to wash that blanket. I hope the blood will come out. I patched her up too. Couldn't use any magicka but I had another healing potion. Maybe it will help. She's gonna be sore for a while, between the knee and these new injuries. I'm so tired but I have to check on my mother again. I wanted to check on Keys too but

<<The writing stops there, abruptly, like the writer fell asleep.>>

I've abandoned the house in Woodhearth. There's just too much damage. I can't keep rebuilding this gods damned house when every time I turn around, it being caught on fire or blowing up. It's cursed. It has to be. Or maybe I just believed too much that I was safe there. No one is. Not in that house.

I'm just sad that my sister and mom have no home now.

Gerrvir helped me get out of there. And then he called me daughter. Are we all really family now? It seems that way. Mom, Gerr and Minna are staying with the Sloanes. I don't like it but at least they have walls. Protective walls.

Three Telvanni.
Black Stag.
Ciel.

Alex doesn't mind me staying with him. And he assured me that only he, Rel and I can come into that house unless he personally invites them. I feel safe there. At home there. I told him everything. I'm afraid he's going to do something crazy but I'm gonna trust that he knows what he's doing. I told Afer and Rel about what happened at the house too. I'll tell Terath next. No secrets.

Poor Keys keeps getting dealt a bad hand. How much more can a kid go through? She lost someone close to her and I feel awful for her. I asked if she could help me train Amora. Maybe that will help keep her mind off the bad stuff and have her focus on other things. Amora adores Keys and Kana. Shit, Kana. She just lost her mother. A damn messenger was looking for her, blurting out about inheritance. Afer told me that Kana only had her mother so I put two and two together and pretended I was Kana so he'd stop looking for her. The poor girl is already going to take it hard. She shouldn't get that kind of news from a stranger. A messenger. Afer thought I was trying to steal from her! It kinda hurt that he thought I would use a poor girl's grief to gain something. Oh well. Maybe he was just in shock. But still...he could have just asked instead of accusing me....right in front of everyone too.


And freakin Rel saw my boobs. That was embarrassing.

I've just been hiding out lately. Going from the Fighter's Guild to Alex's place and not much stopping in between. I feel a little guilty about not being in town much but I have a lot on my mind. The Ciel guy, I think he's breton, came up with a way to trick the Serethi's. I brought Rel with me to speak with him cause I just didn't know if he would betray me or not. It's hard to tell who's actually telling the truth these days. But anyway, Rel heard a lot that he didn't know....a lot about my past with Rildoris. I feel bad because it's some heavy stuff to take in all at once but he just seems more determined now to help me be rid of these assholes. Ciel's plan is for me to be bait. Who didn't see that coming? Well, Rel said he was going to be there. He told me that I should tell Alex and I had planned to but...

Well, I walked in to his house with that whore on his lap.

He immediately threw her off and yelled "This is exactly what it looks like but it's not my fault". I didn't even hear him at first. I was just seeing red. I threw my armor at him. Then my bag. A few end tables. A heavy vase. Some gold trinket thing that looked expensive. Well, basically anything that I could pick up, I threw at him while he hid behind a couch. I trashed his place while I got my rage out. And then that bitch tried to run! I guess she didn't know that I've been training, thanks to Afer, and I got her on the ground. It felt good to hit her, after everything she's done. She broke Emelia's arm. She took Hlor to Rildoris. She tried to poison Alex and then tried to screw him. So when Alex pulled me off her, I told her to never come there again or she was a dead mer.

So then I let Alex explain. I understand that part of his job is to lead people on and butter them up so he can get the information that he wants and needs. He said she was willing to betray the Serethi's and create a trap, but she wanted something from Alex: a damn baby. He, of course, said no and was about to toss her on her ass but then I walked inside and well...lost my temper.

I believe him. And I trust him.

I almost killed him. Sort of. But that wasn't about him. That was about her.

I think. I'm not really sure. I blurted out to him that when I saw that, just another girl sitting on his lap, that it felt like something was crushing my heart and I could breathe or see or even think. My entire world felt like it was turning upside down and I felt....scared.

I gotta get out of here.

I have to check out something in Rivenspire. Something to do with my dad's side of the family. Maybe Rel can help with with it. Or maybe Alex can go and we can talk. Talk. So much talking lately. I'm gonna start running out of words soon.

I was really happy today.

Was.

At least until the Fighter's Guild job. We went to the beach and there was more fog so we thought maybe we were on the right path to finding out what had happened before. But something really strange was happening there. We heard music, but not just any music! It was the most beautiful and calming music I'd ever heard before. And it was drawing us all out to the water.

And then in the water, we all saw someone out there. I think it was mostly loved ones. Though, Rel's had a blurred face. That was odd. He didn't want to talk about it after so I left it alone. Hlor saw Malaki. Afer saw Kana. And I saw...I think it was my baby. The one that I was pregnant with while I was with Afer. The one I shared with...him. The one I lost because of him. Him and his damn enemies. I always hated that dunmer bandit and wanted him dead, but the hatred grew much more after the miscarriage. I hope I see him die one day for that. For causing our child's death.

I've got to stop thinking about that.

But what was out there in that water...whatever it was, it wasn't my baby. It looked like him. I mean...it looked like how I always thought he'd look. Dark hair and a round face with big dark eyes. He looked a little like Amora, when she was a baby. He...I should have named him. Maybe I still can. Just for the memory of him...Andious. After my father. Andy. My son's name was Andy.

But that wasn't him. It was a moarmer. Or however you spell it. Hlor killed it. We all killed them. The one that was posing as Malaki, I stabbed it. That was...well, fucking wonderful. I always wanted to stab that jerk. Hlor had to get patched up cause of those chains grabbing her again. She's got bad luck with those damn chains. But everyone lived and we all got away. Poor Lin saw her dead father in the water. He was the last one. I threw my dagger at it and it showed it's true self. Ads killed it, I think. She was real shook up. And J'Varr is now Do'Varr. I know that had to mean a lot to him. I know a little bit about the Khajiit names. That's a big deal!

Also, Afer's broody again. Apparently Hlor told Kana about her mother's death. Why hadn't he told her yet?! Poor girl. And then he got all pissy that I didn't jump to give his half sister information about him. I told him that I was trying to look out for him, being cautious. But he wants me to tell anyone that asks all the information about him that I know. So I guess I'll do that. If a draemora asks about him, I'll just tell them everything.

Actually I really couldn't, even if I wanted to.
1. I don't know how to get to his house.
2. He doesn't tell me stuff anymore.
3. He's shutting everyone out.

Except his precious half sisters. I don't get it. He's known me for years. Sure, we fight, but we've been through so much together. I helped rescue him from draemora! I pushed him to get the cure. I fought next to him in the most dangerous situations, when odds were heavily against us, but I believed we would make it cause I trust in his skill! Before these people came into his life, he thought of me as family. Why is he choosing someone he barely knows over people that have risked their life for him? Why does sharing blood with someone change years of experiences with others?

I just don't understand it. Is it because I don't have much family? I have my mom and Amora. Though, I didn't raise Amora. And my mom didn't raise me. Things are awkward at times with us. But we try.

Family doesn't have to be blood. You can create your own family. Hloriella, Fedris, Alex, Rel, Terath, Gerrvir, Afer. They are my family. The Fighter's Guild are my family.

This town is my home.


<The next part was added later, and written in a much calmer hand.>

I am going to be happy, dammit. I have a lot to be happy about right now, after talking with Alex and Rel.

My Family.

Terath is missing.

Or did he just leave?

No, I don't believe that. He wouldn't just leave. He would never do that. Just like he'd never attack Tal. I can't believe that. He's not that kind of mer. Maybe I'm being bias. Maybe I have too much faith in him. Or maybe he's just the only dunmer male on Nirn that I trust.

I don't know. Lucia said he passed her test. He knew things that only Terath would know. What the fuck is going on?

And how do we tell him that Moon died? I tried to save....dammit.

Troll Gods damn Roka.
Werewolf - Must be a real challenge
Mammoth - but only the ones up North. Vulk mammoth's too small.
Giant - Also up North
Mantikora - Craglorn. Must have a group of five or more, very organized and trained. Very risky.

'Mantikora' is underlined many times.

Offered to help:
Keys
Terath
Afer
Kinae? She nodded.
Alex

Another name is added later.

Renma

Lleris
Rildoris
Foryn
Fara
Vaynith
No-name
Telvanni Bastard

Goat Bastard is back. And he brought another goat with him. She's possibly just as mean as he is. She kicked mine and Ciel's ass. Hurt his poor ankle. I completely forgot to check on him after the fight. He's been helping me with so much and I just ditched him like that.

Well, he needs me just as much as I need him so I guess I won't worry over it so much. He'll still talk to me.

Renma has returned to town and he thinks hunting a Mantikora would be fun so I added his name to the list. Maybe if I can get about 10 people to agree to go...then actually find one....we can defeat a really difficult beast! And I will, of course, claim it's heart.

I finally told Amora about her grandmother. She didn't take it well.

So I gave Keys the Tiger Juice drink and Afer the dragon mace thing. Both seemed to like their gifts so at least they'll have that happy memory after I'm gone. I feel kind-of bad that I haven't been doing Fighter's Guild jobs lately but I need to be focused and in good shape for this mission. I can't let Ciel down. I can't let my mother down.

I should give Minna that stuffed guar my mother made. I haven't seen her since that night but she's in good hands.

I had a strange conversation with Arietta. I went on a job with this new group. I thought they were a thieves group but they were going on a smuggling job so I followed along. I'm glad I didn't bring Alex with me on this one or he probably would have left. I felt bad for the khajiit woman but I wasn't about to put myself out there for a stranger. At least her death was quick. And I did get a bottle of skooma out of it. I showed it to Ciel and asked him if it would help with his Seer stuff. He said it might and he would try to show me how to do it. Maybe we can find out more about what happens to me.

Anyway, Ari was at this job and saw me buy the skooma. She promised not to say anything to Alex and then....I think she was coming on to me? She said it was so her own curiosity but I think she's just heartbroken and trying to keep her mind busy. She apparently has feelings for Naomi but the girl left her at some point and when Ari went to see her, she heard Naomi and Rel having sex. Well...those two sure moved quickly. I was under the impression that Rel takes things slow.

Well damn, now I feel like crap. He obviously has no idea what Noami is. I honestly didn't think they would go this far. And what about Ari? Does she know? She said they were doomed to fail. Or maybe that's just wishful hoping on her part. I swear, these people and their complicated relationships.

Even Ciel seems to have his eye on someone. Bethany! I'm sure of it. He was staring at her with a goofy smile on his face. I'm tempted to throw away the gifts I have for them both.

I can't think about this right now. I have more important things to do. To focus on.

Freakin' Bethany and her perfect....everything. Stupid mages and their...boobs and magic.

His name is Andious. Andy.

Not Relms.

He cries a lot. I don't know why. I feed him, bathe him, dress him, play with him.

He just keeps crying.

Maybe he misses

He'll like it here. Eventually. I'll keep him safe.

The list has been re-written on a new page.

Lleris
Rildoris
Foryn
Fara
Vaynith
No-name Andy
Telvanni Bastard

They're making me take him back.

C AN T