Journal of a(n Il)literate Khajiit Child (Keys) [Language/Varying Degrees of Spoilers]

"Clannfear attacked the town. Lost of people fought them. Wrae and I got treed and almost threw kegs at them."

"Burned my hands. Heals said not to use them for a week. I'm writing with my feet. Degala kept patting my head. Wren was badmouthing Wrae. ((can't remember why Theo was mad too I think he was mad at Wren?)). The noticeboard said the water is poison. Theo asked us to get vampire dust, mudcrab chitin, and elf cap mushrooms. He had a boyfriend who died because he was a vampire."

"Lulie is pregnant. She wants to be a mage instead of pouring drinks. She gave Wrae and I sweets. Wrae read those letters to me at the warehouse. Alyssandre and Rat wrote them. The youngest litter is at that oprhanage in Anvil I didn't want to go to."

"Terath and the Inspector said we're under attack by vampires, werewolves, and daedra. Vharros is protective of me. Cirlin showed me how to make rabbit jerky. Some people fought a bunch of vampires and Wren healed Octato. I hugged Theo and Wrae today."

"Xithic and I shot at daedra. I was on the ramp. I shot a Hunger in the neck. Thorn went in this portal that was opened with a rock. Wrae aimed for the Hunger from the Fighter's Guild ramp but shot Wren instead. People are talking about going to Anvil for supplies. Should I go? That prissy princess Falen kept Kashya, Wrae, and I up in the Fighter's Guild hall yelling.

"I got kidnapped while I was watching the thunderbugs. This lady just rode in and grabbed me. SHe took me to a cave and told me her big sob story about needing a new heart for her wife. She shocked me when I got away but she got killed for that."

(not pictured: the townsoflk who saved Keys.)

"We took a boat to Anvil with the fighters stayed on shore. Wren showed up and asked to see what was in the crate I was selling for Wrae, but I sat on it and said no. I didn't want to believe it was skooma, but it was so obivous. This masked guy showed up and Wren was there and took the skooma out right in front of all of us. I stood between them while Wrae pointed a crossbow at Wren. She accidentally shot my foot - and purposely hit Wren's shoulder this time. Kashya put Wrae in jail but wants to help her. Wren is really mad and lying to everyone. Theo has a hole in his stomach and feels like he has to choose between Wren and Wrae."

"Werewolf attack near cells. Maybe I should listen to Alyssandre and go back to Anvil. What if there's a werewolf on the boat? What if Anvil is full of supernatural creatures?"

I saw Dil today. He was in the hiding tree. Sed he was lost. Areeeta Aree-etta The charm lady from the prison didn't snitch. I still need vampire dust, bloodgrass, and argonian blood. And another look at Ma's journal, I think. He tryd a bunch of stuff. I wanted to hug Dil. I want to make it all ok. I feel like it won't be. He dyd before turning. If he gets cured, he probablee dys agen. At leest he won't be Molag Bal's that way, I think.

Arrow hunts for himself. He brings me ded skeevers sometimes. Maybe I can sell them.

Theeo sed he was leaving for Syro Cyrodiil (why two i's?). He sounded like he was talking about seeing Toree. He sed he wasn't, and I followed him outside of town some. That was dumb. I could have got lost or eeten by a sensh, and rite after I promisd I'd behave. I met his not-boyfrend, Naseer wen I came back. They kised rite in front of me. If it was anyone but Theeo I mite have watched. I know that's weerd.

Wen I went luking for Arrow, I found Seriduril and Ren insted. Ren got strangled. Estra heeld her. I helped. She was also scrachd on her face. The claw marks almost matched mine. I tried to point it out to Kashya and Seriduril but they were busy taking. Kashya wants to kil whooever did it.

There was no bite but I gave Ren cure poshun. I didn't see how big Dil's hands were. I was luking at his lips when we talked...what's wrong with me? Adsomar must have been rite about vampires. Yoo want to kis them and it makes yoo get too close to ther mouth.

I want another hug.

He sed he wud see about getting bloodgrass. And that I wud probablee get vampire dust just from wating around for another fite. That scares me, but it's probablee troo.

Ren is feeling ok. She can't tak, but she's ok. She sed a vampire did it, and it's ded now. It's not Dil. I'm glad of that. I was so woreed it was him.

Alee told me crushes end after a wile. I went to his hows the other day and we takd about a lot of stuff. He's reely nice. I was rite about my gut feeling I cud trust him taking about Dil.

Zithik is hanging around town in disguys. I thot he wud go after Theeo. Hoped he wud, even. He sed Cyrodiil is full of Daydra. I hope Theeo isn't going ther to dy. Ren has a note frum him. Maybee she'll giv me a strayt anser.

Saw Ray awake today. I told her wat I saw Benee do. I won't rite it here. She sed all the same stuf evereone els did about crushes. I didn't tak about Dil. It dusn't feel good to hold bak like that, but she was woreed enuf about Srenja.

Cirlin got poysoned. A woman in a spriggan mask did it. She was trying to make an atronark.

Add that to the ever-growing list of things I'm worried about. My thoughts keep going back to Dil. I haven't seen him in a wile. Is he even still around? There's no point finding a cure if he's not safe and alive okay I don't know what to call it. He is nyther of those things.

Zithik made Adsomar really suspishus today. He's talking about restoring a balance in the town for Hircine, which I think settles it. He's a wolf. I feel like I should tell the guards,but would I get in trouble after knowing all this time? He'll get found out anyway. Should I tell them to protect myself? What if he says something about me ayding him when he gets caught?

Ren and Terath visited Theeo. Ren said he's happy where he is and I can vizit soon. Vulkwasten reminds him of Toree. They're saving Borisa. Is Borisa Boris or do we have two now?

Zithik wants me to put a mark on Adsomar when we spar. He's on thin ice. I didn't say who he was, but I told Ren about him.

Ren called him "her Stripes" at one point. How did she feel when he was a vampire? She said I can tell her anything, but should I talk to her about Dil? She's kind of a snitch. She wanted me to be a paid snitch. I already mentioned him to the guards once, but I don't want to remind any of them he exists. I'd say I wish Theeo were here, but he was also a guard (still, one of his hugs would make me feel so much better like they always did). This is going to be hard enough as it is, and I've got nowhere with the cure.

Thinking about it alone with nothing but a sleeping Sugar, a cozy fire, and warm furs makes me want to see Dil again. I want to know if he's okay. I want to hold hands and hear about his life before he got bit. I still want to kiss him. I barely know him. Why do I feel this way about him when it was so easy to almost shoot Zithik, who I tended even after a really bad argument during the siege and protected for too long while he was disguised as Kazar? Even my negative feelings towards Cimber only started after his death, coloured by the rumors I heard and the other sightings of cursed folk. Maybe it's because he's so young. I see him and wonder "what if it were me?". I don't know what I would do. Find a cure? Ask for help? Get killed? Probably get killed. I should stop thinking about it before I give myself nightmares. I need kwality rest so my head will get better.

Theo came back. Said he'd be back once in a while for a look around. I cried a little when I saw him, and when he left again. He doesn't want everyone knowing he's back. I have Estre, and to some extent, Wren, for the talks like we used to have, but I still miss him.

But, what I'm trying to do won't violate the Pact. Not unless there's bloodgrass in the Valenwood. Would I deliberately break the Pact for him? Ren says spriggans and senche attack the town if you do that. I don't want that to happen, of course, but the town is already in danger when a vampire comes by. Maybe I should arrange a meeting spot outside of town with Dil next time I see him. The beach is too popular. The Ayleid ruin is too tempting. Maybe the cave where Benny was caught, by the river? Except something nasty always makes a home of caves. Then again...

No, Dil isn't 'something nasty'. His curse is. He's just a scared boy who died tragically. Still, maybe I should find a spot along the river anyway. There's plenty of stuff other than me around if he gets hungry, and I won't be cornered in a tree that way. Plus, I can scout for someplace it'll be hard to spy. I'll take Arrow out to do just that.

Tears stain this page. The ink runs in places.

Theo is a vampire. He has Dil with him. Neera said a 'sire' mentors the one they turn. Theo didn't turn Dil. He wouldn't. I believe what Dil told me in that barn - that he was attacked, probably during S'ren-ja's siege, and I don't want to think about who the vampires that did it were. That's the most terrifying part about vampires. They still function as people. They still want to fit in, and they put us all at risk that way. Neera even thought her life was better as a vampire than living as my mother and sisters did. For all I know, someone back home could be going through the same. It's not the sort of thing you write in a letter.

The afflicted are at their most dangerous when you love them. I just can't seem to resist danger, can I? Even writing this is putting myself at risk. Maybe I should blot out all the names. Maybe I should just burn this journal, or bury it somewhere well outside of the Green. I'm starting to run out of pages, anyway. I should start a new book.

It started normal enough. I watched the guards practice solving murders today. Kashya was the "victim". I gave a couple good answers myself during the class. Then he spoke. I thought it was a happy occasion, but it wasn't. We assumed he was under the ramp, but Maza had that invisibility spell. Is it a vampire-specific thing? Maza did it after being cured. I don't think I ever saw Theo do magic, but he's old. He could have learned it and then learned better than to do it much. He ran off into the woods with Ren. There's a 5,000 gold bounty on Theo's head. If he were wise, he wouldn't come back to the Valenwood, but he isn't. I used to assume he was just because he was old. Am I surpassing the wisdom of a mer who's lived past his natural lifespan?

Seriduril cuddled me. Even as a written sentence, that just looks off, but he did. He found me crying in the hiding tree and held me. Ray says he's evil. She only thinks that because he's a guard. However, he broke Estre's heart. He wanted to kill the cursed plant-killing lady. I don't know what happened with the Spriggan Lady, who was only fifteen. I assume she was killed. I don't know if it was by his blade or his command, or someone else's. She was making a flesh atronarch - I don't want to know for sure. But he also comforted me when I was grieving for Theo. He bought me a jagga shot. I know I said no more, but this merits it. He knew that. He's trying his best to do what's right. Who am I to judge, considering my own situation? He tries to be as good as he can be. That's all you can ask of anyone.

Ren came back and got arrested. She told me Theo was the one to strangle her, not just some vampire. They put a magic-proof blindfold on her so he can't thrall her. She said he's in Cyrodiil in a ruin, and that I can still visit. Which is crazy, but I've done ekwally crazy things. I want to do even crazier things than visit him. I've repeatedly written as much. Both of them in one place. I wonder what he'll think when he figures out I have a crush. He told me in his letter that men "aren't worth shite", but he'd go to Coldharbour for Toree. I might as well admit to myself that it's a huge factor in wanting to cure Dil. Maybe not out loud, but here.

Estra had something wrong with her. Too much magicka in her - her tatoos hold it in. Levis, Heals, and I helped Beth with some complicated spell to help her. There were runes and a crystal and it was all light and noise. Gilin is sick, too, but the magicka thing seemed like a bigger emergency. I was supposed to find him something to wear, but I just threw a blanket on him and then helped Estra. I passed out after that. Should I try joining the mage's guild, too? People have offered to show me the basics. I don't know if I could understand Beth's lessons. The way she speaks is like another language sometimes. Maybe someone else could teach me.

J. sold me this ink. Good stuff. I can read back with the lens. I've hidden that elsewhere, separate from the box and the book. Asked for it openly and called my journal a diary (I hate that word. Journal sounds better.) - I'm hoping hiding in plain sight will work here. I can just say it's to keep SK from snooping.

OM is, in fact, YM's father. I would have never guessed. R told me, though. Not sure how to feel now. OM never asked for this condition, but what is it doing to YM? It's tearing the rest of us apart more than enough. I don't even know where to begin prosessing this. I just want to see YM again. I don't think YM left a note any more. I think I just wanted it to be that way so I could...

The metafore falls apart there, doesn't it? I just don't want to deal with OM and his condition. I want YM to...what do I want out of him? I want him to be happy. I want to see him feel alive again. I want to know him better. See him get strong - he's so delicate and timid. Would I still like him if he wasn't? That wouldn't be so bad. I want to get over my infatchewashun. Watch him find someone else and grow as a person and give him beyond-my-years advice when I'm an old clanmother and he comes to visit my village. Does he like kids? He can pay it forward by advising mine with his long lifespan and life experience. How many of my elvish friends would do that for me? Would it hurt or help to see the next generashun of khajiit living on without me?

It'd be easier to just forget about all of it. Maybe I should move back to Anvil or go to Elsewhere and just write to R. We can use this ink or something for planning hists hysts jobs like she mentioned after she told me, and I can get a place anywhere but Anvil or the Green, and we can just agree to never talk about that part of our past again. Except, she said she'll go to the Ooz if she leaves? Is that true? I just don't know. It'd be hard to leave, but it's hard to stay, too.

I wish I never met OM.

R fought OM. T. got bit by a dog. I miss that dog. A thinks I should still visit. Maybe I should just hop on a boat and get it over with. Tell OM what I know. If I'm lucky, he'll cut ties with me when I do, but when have I ever been lucky? At least if R and T succeeded, I'd have some closure.

Moons, where do I even start? OM was at the clanmother's meeting. We talked after, and he took me to his house. His physical condition is rough. I so wanted to spend the night in Anvil, but how would I explain that to SK next time I came back and our siblings knew I'd been on the Coast so recently? Even I can't spin a web of lies that intrikit. It wasn't the first thing to come to mind when I decided to stay, though. YM was. I didn't even get to see him before I went.

OM will be in Anvil soon. I worry he's making the same mistake as before. I asked him to keep an eye in case my siblings are still picking pockets. I'm a little worried about the idea of someone with his condition minding my family. They're not all as strong and experienced as I am. At least, I hope they're not experienced with this sort of thing. It would hurt him to hear me say "stay away from my family", but it would hurt them more to make friends and then find out the way I did. I physically could not say it to him, even though it crossed my mind several times last night. All I can hope is that they don't catch the guards' attention, I guess. Or that OM guards the castle instead. I'd love that; I could sneak in and look around again. He knows I wouldn't rob the place.

SW found us. I am no longer mad at him. He wants to atone. It took losing his girl to convince him. Except, the mer I helped to get away from MK the one time was tracking them both. I had to put up an act for a lot of the night after that. Admittedly, I had fun acting. Everyone just wants to see that Argonian play, though. Maybe next time I'm on the Coast, I'll see if there's a theeter in Kvatch. Everyone always said Kvatch is classier, but I never really went.

I can't tell anyone about this. Writing it down makes my heart feel lighter. I'm really glad to have this ink back.

A got really drunk and T beat him up today. I guess he b I won't write that here. It won't matter when he's sober again. I've seen men and mer get like this - booze is as bad as skooma that way, if you let it be. Still, beating the shit out of someone isn't the way to fix it. I don't know how to fix it, but I know for damn sure that nagging, jaw-breaking, and simply telling them to stop isn't the way. I hope they're both alright. I thought about visiting the cells when I heard they locked T up, but he wasn't in there long. I also don't know what I could have said to help him cool off. Come to think of it, I don't know what's going on in T's head most of the time. He's kind of reserved.

I found out the name of the mer whose nose I broke. Steel. He's this one shy girl's dad and said he's having family problems, and that he needs a dock rebuilt. I might help with that even if it doesn't pay. Sounds like I might meet some new people that way. Maybe some people who aren't (you miiight make out 'vam' or part of it here under the scribbling) so naggy or nosy. Or maybe I'll just go back to the clanmother again and meet folk that way. Talk for a bit, take a little break from Vulkwasten, and make friends without getting too involved with their drama. That sounds nice.

Anor wants a baby with Cirlin. I thought Cirlin was younger, but he says she's about the same age as him. It's odd, hearing that. I think of them as peers, but I guess they're adults, technically. Should I defer to them or keep treating them as equals? I think I'll do the latter. An fought in the war. Said it was a lot like the siege - except the war paid, and now they want money back from him. He's drinking, too. Said he's had that problem before. There ought to be a group to support addicted folk or something.

Turns out Falen is missing. I thought he fucked off during the siege, but I guess someone related to him is suspected of lycanthropy. I never liked him, but I really hope it isn't what it sounds like. Nobody deserves that fate.

An is in contact with SW. His getting drunk worked to my benefit, I guess. He's also bad at lying, though. There's an art to it - I'm unsure if it's truly teachable after a certain age, especially if you need to lie drunk. Alkahall is truth serum.

OM's birthday is on loredas. What should I get him and how should I send it? I could send it via SW. That's safe, but maybe I'll pay a visit and give it to him late, but in person. I know that's dumb, but it's so nice to see him again. Visiting Anvil might rouse suspicion. I can fool Alyss, though; if I only take her, then I should be fine. I'll make her think I was going back to my old ways for a day, then get yelled at for that. Or maybe go "hunting" and get "lost" again, but lie about it this time. There's still the question of what he would want. Is there such a thing as particularly fine kwarsh? That seems kind of impersonal. If I go late, I have more time to think of something. I'll ask SW for ideas.

I also need to make sure MK doesn't follow. She wants OM's head. Happy fucking birthday indeed. I also suspect she wants to sneak into R and S's houses. She did mention wanting to sneak around when R came to the clinic - drained of blood, which almost gave me a heart attack - and implied missing having done so before. If she wasn't the Marshal, and I trusted her more, maybe I'd offer to let her in on what R and I talked about. But, she's a guard through and through. I sound like W now...she's more stubborn, though. I still like G, S, and Ay. W thinks they're all evil just for being guards.

Gilee knows. Did he snitch or was it BT?

This chess game of picking and choosing how much to tell who is getting hard to keep track of, but I need all the help I can get. SW, OM, and YM do, too. C knows I know about SW now. She shares my fault of loyalty to people even after they're outed as afflicted. She seems to sympathize with OM. I didn't tell her about YM. It's better if she doesn't know. I wish I could bring her to visit OM, though. Without An. Orcastrayting it would be too risky. Besides, I want to go by myself when I do. The less people are around, the more freely I can talk.

Went to S's house again. The inn is noisy at night, but I moved my stuff to a room now that W has the warehouse back. I imagine she'll want her space. Maybe I'll just use the room for storage and sleep in the Fighter's Guild Hall for now. Anyway, G, E, and Ad were there too. They were all high. I like S high. He's more relaxed that way. He even gives more hugs. I didn't mean to, but I breathed a little of their smoke, myself. It's different from moon sugar. Still relaxing, but a different feeling. They were saying weirder things than people on moon sugar do. I wonder what I'd say if I deliberately smoked the herbs they had. I don't think any of them would let me.

S wanted advice on how to deal with womer, but I don't know. I think I need my own heart broken a few times before I can really give good answers. I am absolutely not looking forward to that part of growing up.

Ad's leg got busted up and BK broke his ribs in the Dwemeri ruin, but nobody got pushed down a bottomless pit, so things worked out okay I guess. I caught Ad and E kissing in the clinic after catching up and swimming with C. Ad said they just kiss, but E thought otherwise. Why are mer so clueless when it comes to love? Also, where was the stuff I wasn't supposed to hear before S asked me for my clanmotherly advice on the matter? They settled things, though. Sort of.

I stand by my position that Mara is mean. Dibella is, too.

Looking around my room, I've realized that I have a lot of old armor. I've outgrown much of it. Maybe I can sell it or make something out of the old leather. I think I'll do a bit of both.

A Story for OM

Once upon a time, there was a young mer who wandered alone. He was strong and capable, and told himself he didn't like people and he didn't need anyone. But, one day, he found a ruin underground. It was the first one he'd ever set foot in, and it was so beautiful that he couldn't resist the notion of exploring it.

He paused at the entrance, looking for traps like any good adventurer does. When he found the first, he realized that it would take two people to disarm it. He went to the nearest town and begrudgingly sought out someone to help. "No!" said the townsfolk. "It's too dangerous! You'd only die in there, especially with only one other person. Let the Mage's Guild handle it. You're all alone and naive." He figured everyone in that town was stupid, and didn't want to let someone else take the experience away. So, he kept the ruin's location a secret and left.

Disappointed in the first town, he set off to the next-closest settlement to the ruin. It was similar to the first, except there was a nasty flu going around. People were divided on how to deal with it. Some argued for a quarantine so no more would get sick, others argued to pool their money for a bunch of healers to come. Everyone was so busy arguing that nobody seemed to realize they could just do both. Nobody even stopped bickering long enough for him to even mention the ruins, and besides, he didn't want to get sick, so he left there, too.

It was in the third town were he found a Nord. She'd just been fired from her job at the tavern, and was down on her luck, but after letting her drunkenly ramble at him, he found that the woman had a good head on her shoulders. She was strong and a good fighter, too. After a night of drinking and trading adventuring stories, they re-traced the mer's steps to find the place again.

The second town was different by the time they reached it. They had brought the healers in, and things were far more peaceful as the healthy helped the sick however the could. Only, they hired too many healers, and one spare mage in particular was keen on kissing the Nord girl. The two bickered and rough-housed, and the mer thought his expedition was doomed. He was so quick to judge that he didn't realize that the pair were only flirting. He left to drink, and when he came back, he found them in a fistfight. He watched in dismay until the Nord won. Bruised and battered, however, the mage came out of it smiling. It turned out the mage didn't know how to fight well without magic. The mer had taken their lesson for a real fight.

Back in the first town, a sneaky khajiit approached. "This one has heard of your plans, but he was in jail for picking pockets. Let him help you steal legally, from the dead." he said to the party. They discussed the notion away from him, in the tavern, and heard others speak of the suthay's skill. They reluctantly agreed to let him in on their delve. When they went back outside to find him, they found him under the tavern window, having heard everything they'd said. The mer still didn't trust the khajiit, but his stealth impressed the other two, so he kept quiet about it.

With the three others, he went back into the ruin. There was a stone on a pressure plate, and it required the mer and the Nord to swing some rope around it, pull it backwards, and let the poisonous darts that it triggered fly ahead of them. Next was a room full of angry spirits, except it was only a spell that made one think intruders were being attacked. The mage figured it out when he perceived the khajiit to have lost his tail, but felt the rest when he tried to heal the stub. He cast a ward around all of them and put an end to their temporary madness. The third room contained a varla stone too big to carry. They spent a long time simply basking in its beauty and discussing how it could be removed, but ultimately, they had to leave it behind. It doubled as a support for the buried roof, and to take it would destroy the place. In the last chamber, there were heaps of cursed treasures laying out to tempt the overeager. The khajiit stayed the mer's hand, pointing out how convenient it was that no traps or monsters lay in this room full of jewels and gold. The mage confirmed that everything in there was cursed, but he couldn't figure out how to un-curse any of it.

When the party left, the mer was sad. "I'm sorry I dragged you out here for nothing. Let's find another and try again." he said. So they did.

The second ruin was much the same - everything was too big or dangerous to take. They kept wandering and working, fighting monsters, doing odd jobs, and exploring the world together. Treasure and glory started to matter less, so long as everyone was alive at the end of the day. A few years later, the Nord and the mage married. They found themselves reminiscing about their first adventure together.

"These ones never got anything out of that ruin." said the khajiit.

"I did," said the mer. "I found all of you. That's the best treasure we could have."

OM was back again. He said it was the last time. I don't believe him. I hit him, and hugged him, and gave him his birthday present. There's always someone around when I find him in the woods. What if it's MK next time? I'm not going to let it happen. If he's here again, I'll just leave.

That's what I've told myself before. It's true this I'll try harder this time.

That way, I can just visit my blood family when I go back to Anvil. No worrying. No seeking him out. No sneaking around. I think seeing OM again might be bad for him. I'll hold off on any of that until I can find the medicine for YM.

B knew about him. She claims to know about all of them. She has weird views on the daedra, but she's smarter than I am. Doesn't mean I should just listen to her - she said that herself - but her words are worth consideration, at least.

Had I known earlier, I would have offered him to If you find this and figure me out, THAT IS A JOKE. Not a tasteful one, but I really am kidding.

I really want to talk to B like she suggested, but it seems she'll be busy playing the healer for a while yet.

S kicked my ass this morning. Or rather, punched my head. St was there to heal and E came in just after, but S was going too hard at it. He could have won even pulling his punches. MK was there and did nothing about it.

E doesn't seem to trust St, either, but then again, maybe she was just being protective. Even Arrow looked like he was going to eat S for a minute.

R basically said he's addicted to fighting. She said I could press charges, maybe. Apparently because I'm a child, I can't legally consent to a spar. R is the only guard who has mentioned this to me, as I recall. And the Guild officially has me down as a non-combatant, even though I've fought plenty. Everyone seems set on keeping S away from me, but I want to talk to him before I decide whether to press charges or not, as much as I dread the idea of seeing him next. He might have come to his senses by now.

Rs had a blood clot in his head or something. He's still in the cell, but at least he's being treated. He could have died today. He talked to himself a lot, but had some more loosid moments today than he has lately.

Invisible Ink

I almost picked the cell lock for B, but R came by and said she wouldn't snitch.

I got to talk to B after. She gave me a book about restoration magic. To is doing okay. I still think he might be a daedra, but it's better to hope it's him than bellyache over what might happen. I think. She also talked about being a noble, and how climbing one's way up can be lonely. It's like that in clans too, as I understand it, but it's still worthwhile, I think. It takes hardship to earn wisdom, and wisdom to rightfully earn power and wield it correcly. Moons know I've had more than my share of hardship thus far.

Invisible Ink

I didn't get to talk about daedra much to B, or suss out whether she happened to grab any bloodgrass - doubtful - but MZ might have made some progress. The ashes, though...

Talked things out with S. R and MK were snooping. I wouldn't have told him my thoughts on MK if I knew she was there. I should have known. She said she quits, but I don't know if she's serious. Is she really going to let a cub's opinion sway such a big decision? She also thinks S is sleeping with G. I don't think so. They get along, sure, but I think the cuddliness is just S relaxing while high. S strikes me as comes off as straight, anyway. I think I'm going to have to just accept that I'm interested in who's kissing who now. It's gross, but useful, information. Plus your friends finding each other is a nice feeling, anyway.

I'm not crazy. Cimber is real, not a voice in my head. G can hear ghosts. Turaythis - he died in the siege - is haunting us. R was freaking out about it, but I understand why after what she said about him. I won't even write it down here; it's that gross.

So here's what I know:
-There are at least three ghosts connected to the people of Vulkwasten
-C and I can hear Cimber. He can knock on crates and open and shut drawers
-Ghosts are usually held to our plane against their will, and/or because of horrible deaths
-G can see and hear Tatan and Turaythis
-Dunmeri don't mind ghosts. I don't know the specifics yet, but I will ask someone more
-My grandma was a dumer's slave

Where does C fit in to this? Bosmeri can be taken for slaves, too. Maybe her ancestor was also one? Or she might have some dunmeri blood. I don't know anything about her family other than An. Maybe something was done to favored slaves so they could hear ghosts?

I haven't had that kind of trouble since OM's tower, anyway. Why am I still thinking this way?

There was another auction today. The Rosewhatever Lady didn't want to hire me, but I mentioned I was looking for odd jobs. Maybe someone will need a sneaky cub who can fit in small spaces? R bought me some khajiiti-style furniture.

W was looking for B. Didn't want to say why, but it sounds important if she's willing to have magic done. Silivan showed up while we were talking. He still creeps me out. W is informing Sv about R, and then realized she'd lost her coins. The argonian who's friends with St pickpocketed her. W didn't want me to call for guards, of course, but they got her her money back. She was all "don't get hurt", but I think part of it was not wanting help from any guards.

I learned later that it was probably because of W that R got kidnapped. I'll ask her. If it's true, I'm fucking done with W. She can go back to doing skooma and shooting people and rot in jail all over again. This time she won't have me to bring her sweetbread. I want to believe it isn't true, though.

T and R broke up. T went to a Guild leader summit and got injured by werewolves. Not many survived. It's worrying that they knew when and where that was, and planned an organized attack. T's eyes are hurt, and she wants me to take care of him. I want to, of course. He's been so good to me, and it's a chance to get to know him better. R seems to feel really bad about it. Sounds like she was the one to dump him. She called herself a terrible person, but I don't see it. Everything she's done, if you look at it from her point of view, is for the good of everyone around her.

Invisible Ink

(Keys has written coded directions to Terath's place down here. It's in Thieve's Guild symbols, many of which are a) specific to Anvil, and b) will have changed in meaning over the years since she last needed them.)

R wants me to do the rite of theft to steal a whole mammoth. I think I will. Rich owner won't miss the gold too much, I imagine.

She mentioned missing OM. I almost told her everything I left out about last time I saw the clanmother. I've almost told her a couple of times, actually.

I also almost told WM I know about her today, but I'm never alone with her. Does she make sure of that? I guess I would do the same in her position.

It will be easier on me, knowing now, if she gets found out like OM did. BT may be a swit, but I guess I have him to thank for that.

Bought the house. Nothing wrong with it; people just haven't been buying for a while. Maybe it's due to the proksimity to that other house. (In invisible ink, she's drawn a tiny depiction of the Thieve's Guild symbol in the space between sentences here.) I'll just be nice to the neighbors and hope for the best. People tend to love me pretty fast. Plus, maybe they have work for me.

The clanmother's temple was empty when I got there, so I just spent the furniture budget and came back early. There are still more things we need for the house, but I can keep on working. Some of the furniture was delivered same-day, and the stuff R got me is on its way as well. The delivery men were handsome. No crushes, thank the moons. Just a nice view and I got to tell a bunch of adults what to do for a bit.

I could have sworn I saw Cimber for a moment out there, then he showed up again after I found St, Th, and R on the cliffs. R wants to kill CG...again? For good? Something like that. Th can see AND hear him. CG laughed and showed himself to all of us for a few seconds. I want to figure this shit out, but I think R will probably get rid of him one way or another first. Is this a part of Vulkwasten's curse? I thought we were all joking about that, but this town really is cursed, isn't it? Or maybe the entire region. It could go all the way back to the Five Year War I've read about. A solution for such a curse would likely be even more difficult than curing the afflicted.

There's another boy about my age in town. He stole ale and insulted Arrow. He also called me "fuzzy". Also, he called me "old enough" but wouldn't say what for. Gross. Th doesn't like him; he asked me to beat the kid up for him for throwing a mudball. What a pussy. Maybe I can use Th if I feel like it's worth getting back at that kid for something he does, though. Even if I have to hear him go on about inappropriate things again. St beat Th up, I think for some of what he said. He also asked for a subject change when R and Th were talking about how they're not attracted to khajiit. Was that for my benefit, or did he take issue with that for his own reasons? Either way, I hugged him after he kicked Th's ass. R was mad about the fight. Said it isn't like a clanmother to settle things that way, but she wasn't complaining when they were all sweaty and shirtless. She was even egging them on.

St knows the argonian, Labo. He said he robs a lot of people. I'm going to try to catch him outside of town and beat him up some day if he sticks around. I hope he doesn't.

W is working for Rax. She also wanted to talk to Ay. Odd of her to want to talk to a guard. And one who got kidnapped, too. She says the Rax and Ay thing is for B. She doesn't know if SV was responsible for R getting kidnapped. She says she'll stop, but will she? She's concerned about staying alive, but doesn't fucking stop to think about how other people might wind up. I should have listened to R before that Magpie job.

Invisible Ink

I wish OM were here. He always made me feel better about these things. Sometimes I take his spot in the tavern. Being there brings a certain amount of comfort. I wonder if R would want to see him again. She said I'm the only family she has right now, but was she lying so she wouldn't have to mention OM?

I know I said I'd leave him be. I knew I would make a liar of myself when I wrote that. But, I asked WM about the condition today. I know she has it, too. There's something off about those earrings she had. Anyway, she'll likely see him before I do next. I asked her to tell him I have the house and he can visit for a while.

I'm getting wards placed, of course, but I'm going to wait a month. I'm going to tell everyone it's still being furnished. That's technically true. I hope I can keep them from coming that long at least. I want a visit.

We went on a hunt led by Lc today. D, JV, C, and B were there. We killed a flesh atronach, revnant, giant bear, a pocher, and a pair of senche. The senche might have been khajiit; the others didn't check. I refused to fight them, as did a couple others. They were said to be man-eaters and they said they had to be put down, but the bosmeri are man-eaters too. Nobody argues for culling them - or at least, not openly and with a blade in hand while in Dominion territory.

We went back after the senche were dealt with. We saw Elden Root - the Tall Trunk has nothing on their heart tree - but we decided to keep moving. I would love to explore the city, but not today. Not under those circumstances. Maybe I'll take a trip on my own some time. Seems like the city itself is safe enough; it's the roads you have to worry about.

A talked about killing a Titan today. It's like a daedric dragon, he said. Dragons are scary enough on their own. He said it takes siege weapons and a team of seasoned warriors to take just one down, and they'd been spotted in large numbers flying over the Imperial City once. That'd put me in the same shape poor Rs is in, too, I think. I hope he's alright.

M pet me to sleep in front of A today. I hope he doesn't use that in front of the Guild. If him or Ad use it, I'm going to be so embarrassed. I'll just have to keep my helmet on. Maybe put in some padding to make it stay better.

T said he might quit being Steward, if his sight can't be fixed. I hope it can. SL does a great job, but I think we all want him back. He has other visitors, too, and the wolves look out for him, but it sounds like not many know just yet. His armor was all shredded up. It's a miracle he's alive.

I talked to By today. He started on skooma at 12. Rough life. We talked about W. I said more than I should have, but I'm sure she's at least got a hand in what happened to R. By said he was mean to B when he came to Vulkwasten. I can't imagine him being mean to anyone.

Maormer Lady kind of let slip that her and St have a hideout for people they work with. That explains a lot about St. I'm convinced he's a good mer, anyway, even if he has to hide sometimes. It's not like I haven't done the same.

Two very unexpected things happened today.

1. SL put me in charge of a Fighter's Guild mission.
2. The lost dog we were looking for on that mission had been taken by a forest troll.

Nobody got hurt (except the dog but it being hurt was why we got hired in the first place). That's the most important thing. I'd feel awful if someone was injured on my watch. D kind of took the lead with the archers, but I wasn't about to argue when the troll was right there in front of us. She also took its head, and I got a tooth. Arrow had a tuft of fur. I braided and washed it. It still smells like troll. That might not be a bad thing - maybe someone will buy it when they need to track a forest troll down.

At first I was only with our employer, A, and BN, but when we saw the troll, I decided to run back into town and get the guild. There weren't many of us, and it looked like it was to be an archery lesson. That worked out well for us. SL and the others came - C almost brought D's kitten with her. R took care of it while we were on the mission, though. Its parents are already dead and I did nothing to stop it; I wasn't about to be partially responsible for that little kit getting eaten by a troll, too.

We drew the troll's attention while still planning, but it worked out well enough. The fight was actually pretty easy. We shot at its eyes and chopped at its legs, then BN shoved his broom down the troll's throat. I thought he was doing something stupid, but I was behind the troll and a silver spear-tip came out from the fur - he'd been fooling all of us with that "broom". I wonder what the bucket's secret is now.

The mer who owns the dog made a bit of a jab at our bosmeri members after we saved his dog, but didn't explain what he meant. I didn't like that, but we had to brush it off. Everyone just wanted to go back to town, anyway. Perhaps I'll have a better chance to hash that out with the mer in the future, if SL does this again.

After I made a necklace of the troll's tooth and came back into town, B invited me and A to her house for the second time this week. I said yes, of course - I don't remember why I didn't the first time. It's a really nice house. I robbed a place like it once. Except, the place in Anvil wasn't a mage's house. I bet B's would have some magical measure against theft. Not that I'd rob her, anyway; she's my friend. She enchanted A's axe with a fire spell. I actually understood most of what she said. The enchantment required a soul gem. Something's off-putting about that.

I met a nice altmer lady, Vivinna. Bought her a room and she sang for me in return. Money well spent.

-That guy in the tower?
-All the people R stabbed to get us out. It wasn't my hand, but it was for us.
-The pocher.
-Several bloodfiends. Not people any more, but they used to be.
-Did nothing about Gorm.
-Did nothing about Laranan. Lanaran? Can't even remember her damn name right. Ran away and hid, no less.
-Stood by as two Senche were killed by my friends.
-Briefly conspired to use Theo's ashes for a cure.
-Still have to use SOMEONE'S ashes for a cure.
-Almost shot Zithik and let Arrow bite him.
-Will probably kill a good few afflicted in the future.

The worst part is, I feel like I'm forgetting someone.

T was back in town today. It's good to see him up and about. He's still getting used to being blind. I hope his sight can be restored. Th put him down and T took it really bad, though. Had a good talk once Th and Jg were out of the way. I hope the eyeball conversation didn't hurt T's feelings. Would have been funny if it wasn't right in front of a blind mer. Anyway, Th said something about people not wanting T...I really do think that's a load. He's handsome, smart, and I remember him saying sickening-sweet things about R when they were together. Even when he's not being romantic...he said to think about the Guild and how they have my back before sleeping so the nightmares won't be so bad. I'm glad I met him before I started getting crushes. I think he was already family by then, anyway. Someone will definitely fall for him again. He just needs time to heal first.

I'm told SL knows a lot about everyone and shares it openly. Will have to be careful what I tell her. Will also have to ask her about people. I'm good at asking a lot of questions.

Th said I shouldn't play truth or dare and never have I ever. Just because adults play it differently doesn't make it any less a children's game. I have good memories of truth or dare, even if it ended in the odd arrest back in the day. I bet never have I ever is more interesting when it's about adult things that aren't sex, though. Especially with long-lived elves.

Rz walked up on R and I talking. He called her a bitch. He cried when we told him off for eavesdropping. She said he's made her cry. I went after him, anyway. We talked things out some. We hugged. We still don't see eye to eye, really, and I guess he thinks I'm dumb. Nobody else does, so I guess he'll just have to see for himself and I'll have to not let it get to me. Keeping the peace is more important. I hope he can work things out with R, too. I have to learn this kind of thing if I'm to be a clanmother one day.

Invisible Ink

R did the rite without me. Said the guy was mad. I thought he would be. It's probably for the better; it sounds like the wrong way to use that tradition. Still, I want to do fun, sneaky stuff with R. Maybe I'll see if she wants to help me with pranks? First I'd have to think of a good prank or two.

T asked about YM. Said we could seek out the most potent medicinal ingredient and nobody would have to know why. That leaves the other two rare ingredients, for the hard part. T said B would probably help out. I will ask her bluntly next chance I get.

I still wish I'd seen YM when I was out there. I miss him.

Aya isn't really Aya. Someone is trying to kill B and use Rs to do so. Another name for my list, maybe. That makes it two questions I had for B, but Jg interrupted again and then Rs showed up. Wasn't sure how to proceed. Guess you're waiting a little longer, YM.

Rs said I'm like a niece while he was lucid. My family keeps on growing and nobody even has to have babies for it. Bet he'd have something dirty to say about that. I don't know that I feel like he's an uncle. He's scared me some lately, but it was only Not-Aya's influence, I think. I figured it was shock. How long has this been going on? Maybe I don't even know the real him yet. I guess he gets another chance now.

Keys,

I don’t know if you’ve spoken to Wraesha. I know she’s going to tell you, or you’ll find out another way.

I’m in a bad place, Keys, and I’m weak. I had no-one to turn to, and skooma’s so easy to find. Wrae found me in the forest. She smelled it. And she started taunting me. Fair enough, I suppose, but I was drunk and high, and I fought her. I didn’t want to kill her, I was just panicking.

I told you, Keys. I’m a bad mer. You should stay away from me. I’m sending this note to tell you that, but also that S has your vampire ashes. For YM. It’s a long story, but you can go get them from him.

I hope you can cure him. I hope you become a clanmother. No, I know you will. Just spend your time with the guild, and people like Ter, and stay away from people like me, and you’ll get there.

-R.

I missed her because I was in this place called Reaper's Rest. They didn't believe me about the forest troll. The khajiit with the horns and blue stuff on her face bought my sweetmilk and offered a free vacation. What's she up to?

R's probably leaving for a while now. Maybe forever. She said I was the only thing holding her to Vulkwasten.

I forgave W, the first and second times around (but this...if R is telling me the truth...). I forgave OM. What makes her think I can't forgive her? A clanmother has to spend the most time with people like R. T doesn't need clanmothering half as much as her, clearly. I want to tell her that - maybe without bringing T up. She said she'll live in Wayrest now...maybe after I help YM, I could ask one more favor of B?

I wonder if she'd write OM off as a hallucination again. I know things aren't good between them, but he always knew what to say, when things were fine. I think she needs an OM hug.

And the ashes. Moons, R. You think you're terrible, but this is the best thing I've ever seen you do. We're giving a child his life back. Ridding the world of a vampire without sending anyone to Coldharbor. I love you so much. I want to help. You were so brave last time you went to jail. You know I'd bring you food and spoil you as best I could and take your side when the rest of town stands against you. Just let someone help you. Wherever you go, even if it isn't me, just (The 't' trails off into a squiggle here.)

CJ's first word of advice was to avoid R. Said if I focus too much on one, I'm letting others fall behind.

I can't just let her go.

There was a priest of Kynareth there. Or a monk? I'm not sure. He spoke of a conflict about sacred animals, and said a seemingly simple brother was sent off to resolve a dispute with some nords who wanted meat. The brother who was sent butchered the nords to show them how the animals felt. He was turned in to the Foresters, whatever those are.

Someone left just because dunmeri were brought up. She wouldn't last five minutes in Vulkwasten.

The horned khajiit was there, but I was just leaving as she came. Some human guy asked why I was alone. I told him I have Arrow. He said he wanted to talk to me as if I knew him. I panicked and went straight back to Vulkwasten.

Invisible Ink

Need to remember I left qwarsh sitting outside at the house. How do I explain that if someone finds it? With luck, the bottle will get really dusty and I can just say it's been there all along. I hope WM has gotten the message across.

R was arrested for the skooma use today. G came back into town. Seems a lot has happened this month I wasn't quite aware of. And here I thought things were quiet. K is in the cells, too, for assaulting BT. She might be onto something. Ay thinks someone may be spreading madness around the town. Might be paranoya, or it might be a solid theory. If it's true, I will fight for the town however I can. Only, if it hits me, how would I know?

Invisible Ink/Major Spoilers

Some would say I'm already mad because of my connections to OM, YM, WM, and SW.

Th told me MW is afflicted. Another friend, cursed - and worse, he said he's just about feral. Maybe SW can help him? Except, he said he doubts he's looking for a cure, so would SW bother? I really don't want to kill my friends. I guess I have to hope to catch MW alone and use the defense R told me everyone will understand - just be friendly. Get out of the situation fast. In this case, faster than I would with OM or SW. I love them so much. I might already be too late for me with MW, too, though. I lo I shouldn't commit it to writing. That makes it more real, somehow. I guess I'll find out if I see him again.

Th is honest with me. I like that. Even if he says I should go be a kid as if I could, knowing these things. I misjudged him to the point where the thinks I hate him. I respect him for being up front with me about it. R knew and didn't tell me. That could have led to disaster. I should be mad, but the way she is right now, I just can't be. I really need to learn how to make those potions.

She also said I'll either get over YM, or fall in love. Dark. Fucking. Moons. I do NOT want to be in love just yet. It feels like being on moon sugar to think about him, sure, but that isn't love, right? It's just a nice thought if you ignore all the parts that mean it could never work. Like lifespans. Or his affliction, until we can fix that (I already mentioned it so I guess there's no point claiming it's 'an illness' any more). Or that I don't really know him well. Or that he's miles away. And even if it were some other, more appropriate boy, I have enough on my plate as it is.

I wonder if I'll ever feel like I have room to fall for someone. Obviously I want it some day, just not now.

MW knows that I know. Told him I love him. Told him I'd kill him if I needed to. I hope that moment never comes.

Got the ashes. There are a lot of them. Need bloodgrass and argonian blood still. I wish I could tell YM. Seeing the babies is worth a trip to Anvil even if OM isn't in town or he is and I miss YM again. Maybe I ought to? Only, I want to stay for R. She needs me too. Maybe in a couple weeks.

The Nightshade Free Company is the name of the mercenary group that kidnapped me. They sent gifts - cursed, for the most part, but my boots seem okay. They're enchanted to make you jump high or anchor you down depending on whether they touch or not. Ad seemed really worried before I figured out what they did. He was right to fuss like that. One sword summoned scamps, an axe shot lava out, and a bow turned C's hands to bark. BT got a hold of the scamp sword and stabbed himself, a scamp, and caught on fire while trying to be nice to the beast. The stuff is locked up now. I hope that sword gets thrown into a volcano like I suggested.

I wonder if these Nightshade mercenaries knew we would mess around with this stuff. How long have they been watching? Subtlety didn't seem like their style when we were there, but now I wonder what else they know? Have they read my journal? It's not like it'd be hard to rummage through my room when I'm not there...must hide this book even better than I have been. The current place is good, but it's about time to change hiding spots anyway.

(The mercenaries' symbol is drawn neatly here.)

L and T were in the hall talking to A about his bullheadedness. I feel like I would have been booted out from that conversation a couple months ago. Have I really grown that much? L says I have. I'm a Swordsman now. It feels weird. I don't know if I'm ready for this kind of responsibility with the Guild. The Swordsmen teach people, and I still have so much to learn myself.

L and I talked some after A and T left. By the sounds of it, she's been on skooma, too. How many people in this town have been on the stuff?

A said that B isn't around for a while. I hope she's alright.

M has a nickname. Dove. It fits. She was taken when she was younger, I guess. She told R and I that - I guess the bird bit is because she likes her freedom. It makes sense to me. I worry about the way she eats, though. That much raw meat has to be bad for an altmer.

Something's up with W and the collector mer. She looked terrified coming back in to the tavern. I wanted to eavesdrop when they left, but I didn't follow them. Maybe next time. I'm so rusty at it.

We got our fortunes told today. Mine was interesting. The Wheel of Fortune for a turn of events, the Four of Swords for clarity, and the Fool for a fresh start.

Invisible Ink

Accidentally mentioned YM to Ay when I talked to her earlier. I thought I'd told her, but maybe I just thought about it a lot when she mentioned having an afflicted friend the one time. He was on my mind for the better part of the day after that. Perhaps the reading was to do with him? Maybe the cure is even closer than it feels. It could also be a Fighter's Guild thing, though. Or something completely unexpected.

Perhaps I should get a deck and see if I can get Mina to teach me, or find a book. J might have a deck and a book for sale. I wonder if a specific force leads the fortune teller's hand. I'd technically ask about the future, so maybe Akatosh? It can't hurt to find someplace to leave out an offering either way.

Fats is dead. I saw his ghost. Talked to him. Something happened to him on the beach, I think. He mentioned feeling sick. I wish I had known. I would have told someone, brought him soup, that sort of thing. He said someone named Kasee has something for me. She's a healer; maybe the others know her. Something I couldn't see dragged him away. Maybe whatever she has was his unresolved business? I don't know how I'll explain how I know he's dead, but the townsfolk need to know. I don't know who all knew him other than W. I'll start with R; she knows I really do see ghosts.

Couldn't sleep from the bruising and the thought of Fats, so I went into the woods but didn't make it far. BT and Lord Sadri Morvayne were there. He called me a peasant. I suppose it's true, but that caught me off guard and I didn't like it. Arrow kept growling at him. Something is seriously wrong.

Sr said I could have all his stuff. I'm waiting to see if he wants his cart and senche back, and feeding her. She likes Arrow, but Arrow is nootered. I looked at some old drawings of his. It looks like he stood to inherit a plantation, lost a lover, was a priest (ordinator? He was in the same sort of armor I've seen St wear before), and then decided to be a jester. He wasn't here long - how old is he? How long was each phase? He took his journal away, of course, so I can't use that. I hope he takes his stuff back. That cart looks like it's worth as much as my house. I wouldn't mind having one, but mahogany just screams "hey bandits, I flaunt my wealth please rob me". I guess it'd make them happy enough if someone is in the market for a bunch of jester suits all in the same size.

I don't even know his Senche's name. I'll keep bringing her meat for a few days. I said I'd let her go, but I don't know...she might need Arrow and me for a while. She was his friend. She waited for him by the Hall door while I slept in there. BT said it's probably just a phase. He doesn't think Sr is going to kill himself. I'm not so sure.

Took DN aside and asked if she has contact with OM. She's seen him. Wasn't expecting a yes, but I also didn't want to ask WM as she only denied it. R said they all seem to know each other and she's right as far as I can tell. I wonder if MW knows them, too. Should have asked one of them about SW. Anyway, I told her to deliver the news about the ashes and the house. Sounds like he got his, too, if that was a hint? I wish I could see the look on his and YM's faces when they hear I've made some progress.

DN is still struggling with self-lowthing. She needs better advice than I can give. All I can offer is friendship and hugs. I guess it helps, but I feel like it's not enough. Another townsperson or two has been cured before. Maybe they just need to talk to each other, but it isn't my place to tell her who used to be a werewolf or a vampire. Besides, I feel like she's open enough about it that whoever wants to tell her, would have.

I'm going to wrap that motherfucker up in a big bow, pin a note explaining what he did on him, and send him to OM with an open wound.

I think maybe I will get an exception, at least for OM. It's not like my hunting leaves me with a dearth of blood; I can keep some aside if he needs it. I'll learn some bosmeri recipes to cover myself. Using every part of the animal is smart, anyway, and the babies won't find it gross if they grow up with it.

R said OM was at the Rose Garden. I don't like that he still comes to the Valenwood, but I want to see him again. YM isn't with him. I swear to the moons if my work goes to waste...

I don't know what I'll do. Probably just cry. I feel like I'm going to need a good cry just for the sake of it soon. I want to read a sad story and just get it all out.

Invisible Ink

OM was at the clanmother's and asked about his son. We're going through similar things it seems. He mentioned said son having siblings. R said they're not all really his, but I still wonder. R lies to me about this stuff to save my feelings. Anyway, someone mentioned rewarding good behavior and showing the teen places they want to see. The latter is difficult right now, but maybe. Perhaps Jg'd come with me to the next one if I can get a party with me again.

He should have realized I'd bring people from the village eventually. He left before them, understandably, but it was good to see him again. I know where his house is now, and R does, too. It sounds dangerous, but SW is there as well. To see them both and talk freely...maybe even see YM. It sounds like they have him back, maybe. My heart aches for the Coast and will not stop even after I move the babies. Yet when I'm there, it aches for the Valenwood. Is it going to be like this forever?

CJ says we should fight to the death to get ours back. She's right. I'd die for them. I still feel heavy, empty, and hopeless, but I will work through this and keep trying. Maybe I can take something other than moon sugar or alcohol to feel better. Something to keep me awake and aware. Coffee? Too strong. Ginseng tastes funny, but if it's for medicinal uses, I might keep it in mind. I don't know if I want to bother Ali about it with how busy he is. Are there other healers in town? Alchemists?

CJ also told of how she escaped Morrowind. She was near the border. The Imperial army came and killed Dres and their slaves, but not her. She wasn't in the plantation's field that they raided; she was in the kitchen and saw from the window. She killed her master and his son with a kitchen knife. She was a slave for over ten years. She wanted to kill all of them, but finding the key to her shackles and running was more important. She killed an Imperial and stole his horse, riding away without looking back. She didn't say the rest, but it's heartening to know how she got away. We won't have the Legion behind us, but we'll have our fury if we can focus it just right.

We also talked about art. I stopped trying to paint the moons when I moved out of the warehouse. I should try again in my downtime to keep from sleeping too much. K had really good insight on it. I can't remember the wording; something about leaving our mark for the future. I like this change in K.

There was a town meeting afterwards. S is back. We spoke of addictions. We're going to build two more cells, to a total of four. St was there. He's going to teach me healing. I thought he wasn't allowed in town? Anyway, it ended when H and L had an initiation spar. It's not the first time they've fought. H is an associate with the Guild now.

That dirty thief Aida's journal got stolen by munkees. It had notes on the combination for Sr's lockbox, which she had. Munkees also stole his props. L's Dwemeri spider went after them, then turned into stone and exploded when it tried to open the box. At least no people turned to statues. Turns out Sr's props unlock it. I put everything in the guard hall. Hopefully, we can figure this out.

Used my hiding tree for the first time since ML came by. Sitting around brooding still makes me feel heavy again. Have I outgrown that little split in the roots? I hope not. I have a lot of feelings attached to that tree. Maybe I should hang up some vines around the house. Kn showed up crying. She doesn't like how A keeps her in the house all the time. I had almost forgotten everyone thought A was dead. A told her alcohol is a daedric brew. Not far from the truth.

I told her a lot of things about afflicted. Maybe admitted more than I should, but she has a reputation for tall tales, so it should be safe? Maybe? She brought up an interesting question: If you get bit by both a vampire and a werewolf at the same time, and somehow survive, which curse do you get?

She also said the most important thing about family is sticking together. And here I am, miles away. We'll be together soon enough.

Also we hugged. First one I think?

I hope OM isn't there this time. Not with A. Maybe I can get a letter ekspedyted?

Was MW lying when he said I only smell like leather and beeswax? I'd leave tonight if the woods were safer. I need to ask OM about it.

I visited OM. SW was there, too. They said the afflicted can smell weakness, but it's just that I don't try to kill them. Is that a weakness? Do I need to start? Are my exceptions OM, YM, WM, SW, and MW? What about PM? Is he on the list? No. I only talked to him a couple of times. If I see him again, I'm putting silver through his throat. Or heart or whatever I can reach; he's tall. ML should know what he is if I see her again, too.

And all going well, SW will be off that list due to a cure soon. I pray to all the gods that'll listen that it will work out that way. Hopefully I can take YM off that list, too. MW said if he turns while I'm present, do it. Otherwise, I won't. That leaves OM and WM.

Maybe I'm talking crazy, but maybe the talk about becoming a priest of Arkay was more than jokes. Am I meant for something greater than clanmothering? I'll see if maybe I can find someone to ask at the temple. I have a gut feeling that I should seek this out quietly.

R came by to tell me that W tried to (may have tried to) skin another khajiit. And that the information W sold really did put her in trouble. I knew R would be fine. She said I'm not allowed to feel guilty about it. It sounds like W might get executed. I decided not to say goodbye. If she's innocent, maybe we'll talk, and if she isn't, she'll be gone by the time I get back. What she did will make her hard to grieve.

Invisible Ink

I hope I don't have to be the one who tells OM.

CJ was asked what a clanmother truly is today. "A guide, a leader, a caretaker". I can lead for sure. I've been less certain about the caretaking aspect as of late. Maybe I just need to slow down? I don't know. Vulkwasten moves really fast; I should just try to spend more time with the babies. It's not that far of a ride.

Invisible Ink

Even as a priest of Arkay, this would still be an issue. Do I really want to go down that path? I've put so much effort into clanmothering so far. Then again, it's a really big sacrifice. Would shunning this dream honor Him? Would it dishonor the Moons? It's only an inkling in the back of my head for now. I didn't go see the priest of Arkay in Rawl'kha. I don't want to make the decision just yet.

If I forget about the caretaking, I could be a Steward some day, but do I really want to take that route when there are so many I'd love to see cured instead?

-Perform religions ceremonies with the priests and priestesses. (I don't even know much about Jone and Jode, honestly)
-Keeps history, values, traditions (Easy enough with the time I set aside for writing as it is)
-Chieftain leads a militia (I still think JV is a good candidate)
-Some clans have no clanmother and just a chieftan; clanmother always female (I could be chieftan, maybe. Put JV in a high rank? I can't remember if I've even asked him to join my clan.)
-Non-khajiit can be in the leadership position. Not common. (Will cross that bridge when I get to it)

We spoke of skills we neglect, as opposed to ones we define ourselves by, today. Kn said she isn't wriitng as much, which makes me a little sad. Her stories are on par with CJ's, though both are fun to hear in their own unique ways. This one really handsome bosmer with even more questions than I usually have, Vilkwin, said that he used to balance large things on his head while he worked. I kind of want to try that. Who better to balance things than a khajiit, right?

CJ's grandmother wrote "Anything that is easy to set aside is easy to pick up once gain...a nap feels good in the moment, but a new skill will feel good for life." Even if it's only five minutes a day, you still practice. I don't remember the middle part of what she said. The people who bring notebooks with them are smart to do that. I should get a second one to write less private things in.

I wonder what my Gram would have written. She probably didn't know how. I should write about the werewolves and the Nightshade Free Company soon, before I start forgetting details. Maybe the training, too? I'm not sure. It's not as exciting as killing monsters, but there's an important lesson to it. Maybe more than one.

-Senche statues ward away evil spirits
-Azura gave khajiit different forms. Linked us to Ja Kha'jay/Lunar Lattice. Jone and Jode are siblings of Azura. Knew about the Lattice. Forgot about Azura if it was brought up in that one meeting.
-Possibly different Azurah? CJ pronounced it with an H-sound; said it's a divisive topic among khajiiti. Will have to ask around. Maybe ask Lc, too; she uses the name a lot.

A letter, pasted in. It's in Wraesha's hand.

Keys,
This might be the hardest letter I’ve ever had to write. If you need help reading some of these words, ask Alijham. I’m sure you know everything by now, and you’ve probably shut down, and tried to forget about me. But I want you to read this whole letter anyway, just so I can get this off my chest. You were maybe the best thing that’s happened to me since moving here. You reminded me so much of me, that I sort of got carried away, and thought you’d grow up to be just like me. I’m honestly glad it’s not looking like that anymore. Whenever you were around, I felt like I needed to do better. I guess I wasn’t very good at that, huh?

I’m so proud of you. When I met you and you told me you were going to be a hero, I thought you were just some crazy kid on the road, but now I know you were right. When you say you want something, you go out and you make it happen. You’re going to change the world someday. You’ve already changed the lives of your family, and everyone that you’ve met just by being you. Don’t lose your heart. I mean it. It’s inspiring. You’ve got this infectious smile. The world is a tough place sometimes. I know you know that already. Keep your head up, and keep moving. I don’t know what you’re thinking, and I know you probably won’t at this point, but don’t dwell on me.

I don’t know what they told you about what I did, but you’re probably looking for answers at this point, and I don’t know how to give them to you. I did a bad thing, and I’m not proud of it. I’m not ready to face this right now, but I know I have too. I’m going to miss you most of all.

Send my love to Alyss, Jigs, Rats, Fadhi, and all your other siblings for me.

I love you Keys. You’re a good kid.

((A second, wax-sealed letter marked “Do not open until you’ve grown up.” is tucked away here, the seal unbroken.))

This was waiting for me in Vulkwasten. The shutting down part is right. The letter opened something back up, and now I'm a fucking mess. I'm glad I waited 'til night time to open it.

Thanks, W.

Should I have stuck around for her? Maybe. She probably would have done the same shit anyway and just been sneaky about it. I'm angry. How dare she write this sugar-coated letter after what she's done? I would punch her in the face if I saw her again. No words, just a punch. Right in the lying mouth. I gave and gave, and all she ever did for me was hire me for that fucking job. She had me run a con selling a fake black soul gem. In Morrowind, no less. If things had gone downhill...And then there was Anvil. I defended her from R, desperate not to find out what I already knew was in the crate. She shot me in the foot. She shot R. Twice. Was the second time even accidental? She'd have run away like she did on the ramp that first fight with the clannfear if she didn't mean to hurt her. How long would it have been before she betrayed me?

I am not fucking fine.

I guess Fernan-do will have to stand in for her when I train tomorrow.

Or maybe not. I'm mad, but it still hurts like I lost a good mom.

Killed a croc and some hoarvors with Kn and Am today. I was worried one of them would get hurt, but I was the one who got bit in the leg. MK (she has the M back, I guess) patched me up. BT was there. I thought he was banished. I'll catch up later. I had to sneak past A. I hope he isn't mad, but I didn't want to deal with it. Thank the Moons for that lady he was talking to.

Is it bad that I kind of wanted D and JV to break up? He can do better.

Ad and E, on the other hand...

I told myself I wasn't interested in this stuff. It's nothing but trouble. Even when you're not the one dating. I have no idea how to deal with any of this. I should ask someone about it. I love LV, but he wasn't much help.

I already miss OM. He gets to read them first. I hope nobody eats the courier. Running low on invisible ink, but it comes as a whole kit. Maybe I should find someone who can replikate this stuff before I run out.

I thought it was going to be like any other training session. The heat made me purr in my armor and as usual, I saw the small crowd and hoped I wasn't late. A bosmer named Lucrezia was our acting Steward at the time.

A man came running up from the south road, asking for our help as people often do. His dog was missing - its nose didn't work well enough for it to find home, and he was willing to pay us to find it. I would have helped for free, but I didn't mention that. It's that compulsion to help that makes me want to be a clanmother some day. Lu knew this, and she offered me the lead for the job. I agreed to it, and she sent the legendary Afer and the broom-wielding Bucket Knight with me. Arrow, a Senche khajiit who lets me ride on his back, came along as well.

We went to the spot where the dog was last seen. My loyal lion sniffed him out from there - the trail led us inside a cave. Caves make me nervous, but I've never let that stop me. We followed the main tunnel and came to a still pond's shore. Across it, atop a high stone ledge, was a forest troll.

It was a huge, pungent thing covered in green fur like lichen. The dog was bleeding next to it while it feasted on some unrecognizable corpse. The four of us - myself, Afer, the Bucket Knight, and our employer - huddled behind a root and planned while Arrow manned the cave entrance. Afer wanted to charge right in, as is his style, but I was having none of it. I wouldn't lose him and the Bucket Knight had only cleaning supplies for a weapon and helm. I ran back to town as fast as I could and yelled for the Guild. They weren't within earshot when I found the training grounds. Thankfully, I remembered another spot we use for duels sometimes. Everyone was there with bows.

One girl, Dissy, kept insisting on using fire arrows. In the Green. I told her not to, but she's brash. With no time to argue, I ordered the Guild to get ready. Another Guild-mate, Cirlin - one of my first friends from Vulkwasten - wanted to bring a kitten for some reason. She still had it when we met at our checkpoint. I commanded her to bring it back into town and let a mutual friend of ours catsit. I worried about how we would face a troll with this group, but I couldn't let the gnawing at my stomach consume me whole. I knew that as long as we stuck together, we stood a chance. I brought my archers to the cave and explained the plan. Draw it down the stone ledge. Shoot the eyes out. Attack the legs. Hopefully it would fall forward and drown in the pond below. We spent too long talking. Our noise attracted the troll's attention.

Dissy took over my archers. With the monster's three eyes on us, it was too risky to call her out on undermining my authority like that. My heart sank as arrows hissed past the troll's head, only a few striking its ugly face. The Bucket Knight rescued the dog behind it, but I had no time to see if either of them caught one. Afer jumped in too soon and started yelling and distracting the beast. Our melee fighters came at it in a flurry of blades. I fought too carefully, in hindsight. Still, I managed to lodge my sword into the back of the troll's knee. Pushing through my own fear and the nigh-unbearable stench of wet, bloodied troll fur, I looked to check on the others and saw the Bucket Knight flying at the screaming monster's maw with his broom held in both hands.

I thought he was a goner. It was only a few seconds, but I could picture it so clearly. The notion that the troll would grab him and fling him to the cave walls filled me with dread. I may have already been grieving his loss in my mind, but my eyes told a different story.

Our brave Knight shoved his broom down the troll's throat. I was still behind it. As I watched, sure we'd come back down one Swordsman, a silver speartip glimmered through the fur at the back of its neck. We all scrambled back as it fell, nearly suffocating on the boquet of the previous smells and whatever we'd stirred up in the long-stagnant pond. It took me a second to register that we had won. My chest swelled with pride and for a moment, I forgot the true goal of the mission. I extracted one of its teeth for a trophy and checked on the others. Nobody had so much as a scratch except for our foul green foe and the dog, but the pup was alive and his master patched him up while we fought. My first mission was a success.

-The end of this part. More to come.

List is another one shorter. I can just call SW Z again.

That's one happy thing, but as far as I'm concerned, it counts as a hundred, even if that ritual was terrifying. That swit BT put me in Reaper's March instead of Vulkwasten so I have no idea where Z and OM are now.

I guess Z can tell me what happened himself if he makes it through the night. The threatening whatever-it-is is still out there, after all. I'll make him some sweetbread and hope he can stomach it. And that I can find him, preferably before T or R or someone else does.

YM,

I am so sorry. I should have got that cure faster. Taken more risks. Not relied so much on others. I should have helped the others look for you when I heard you'd gone missing. Maybe we could have talked at least one more time. R says it isn't my fault, but I can't help feeling it is. I keep flip-flopping on whether I'll ever help another vampire. Losing you hurts more than anything else I've ever been though.

I never got to tell you when you were alive (sort of), so I guess this is where I admit that I have a big, stupid baby crush on you. I wish I could have seen you smile really big or laugh, even if the sight of fangs on a mer still unnerves me to this day. It should. If I were wise, I would have left you in that barn and never thought of it again, but I'm not. I still think a lot about that painfully short moment where I held your cold hand and could hardly focus on what you were saying for it. Despite my grief now and the fear I felt for you then, it's a happy memory. I know it would have never worked between us. I'm sure I would have grown out of the crush eventually, had I been able to cure you and bring you back to town. I wish we could have become better friends like I did with the other altmer I was in a similar situation with (sans curses). I'm not sure how this is supposed to work when your crush dies. I'll probably still get over it, but it feels so heartless to say that. It's so hard to let go.

Infatuation or no, I love you. That part will never change.

Goodbye, my friend.

Something's in my head. Moon sugar doesn't help. Booze doesn't help. I even tried meditating. That dream...something about thralling...I feel fine. A thrall would be walking around like a zombie, right? I should ask OM, but what if the thing that got us figures out what and where he is? I can't risk it. What do I do?

I killed W in the dream. I watched what looked like the moment before she tried to skin MS, and then I killed her. Would I do it in real life? I did it right in front of everyone. F saw me stab everything. Everyone did.

I need to learn Daedric, I guess. It could come in handy on future Guild jobs. At least silver doesn't seem to bother me. Those dreams could have been a lot worse.

I don't want to sleep again. I'm going to get some coffee.

I took a lot of moon sugar and slept. I don't dream when I take sugar. Or at least, I don't remember it. I think I was getting too paranoid, but there's still something in my head. I can feel it there, like the nagging thought that you had to do something, but can't quite remember what it was.

I can't really cut ties with 5. I won't fight them. I won't snitch on them. The point is no more blood on my hands for a while, mine or otherwise.

T announced he was leaving last night. That was before 4 showed up, thank the moons. I couldn't steal his thunder. We all hugged him and talked about how the Fighter's Guild is a family. They still would be if I left, and I'm sure I'd be welcomed back if I wanted to. I just can't seem to find the right moment to say it. Jig and 4 know. I had thought about taking L aside and talking to her alone before I found out her mom died. I think I know what A would say. E just joined and I don't know Storm that well. BK? Ad? Maybe I should wait until we work out who the new Steward is, but then again, I'd feel like I was letting them down if the first thing that happens when they're picked is someone quitting.

Would I be letting them all down by quitting anyway? My reasons are solid. Stress aside, if I'm to be a clanmother some day, I can't be in a neutral organization. But that's a long ways off. Am I scared because I'm afraid of letting myself down?

Maybe I should talk to someone who isn't in the Fighter's Guild at all.

Dil. Shen. Technically Theo and Feeor? Fior? That pretty mer I met once or twice. WM. Fena. If we're counting werethings, Wren and Thris, Gilee. Not dead, I hope, but it's like a death sentence, and I did cut off contact knowing that. Cimber? I mean, I knew him for about an hour. Dreuth.

All the people I killed.

Thorn, sort of. Turaythis. I thank the Moons every day that it was only two those battles took.

I pray to the Moons, the Eight, and anyone else that'll listen that next year's list will be shorter, and with none dead by my hand.

I should hate the Hungry Cat for afflicting all my friends, but Arkay presrve me and Stendarr have mercy, my arrows really do fly truer when I ask it of him. What hunts better than a cat with an empty belly?

I hope it was enough to leave him the fattest hare in thanks.