Lost in thoughts.

((Was called "Talks in the dark". Named changed))
-Takes place in the Valenwoods-

A home remains dark and no one has ever been spotted going in or out of the house ever since. Occasional deliveries are made but no one has ever seen the owner of the home.

Inside is a imperial designed house. Inside the home is dark. There was a chair in front of a fireplace that has not been lit in months. A bed and counter in the corners with miscellaneous items scattered about . The home was covered in cobwebs. In the center next to the chair is a small table with a bowl filled with water on it. There are bits of threads and needles next to the bowl along with bandages and rags. The room was cold, dark and quiet.

Moments later, the front door opens up and a shadowy figures stands in the doorway. He wore all Ebony armor that was as black as the night. The the armor was damaged including scratches and broken parts. He steps into the home locking it behind him. Slowly he walks to the chair in the center of the room staring into the unlit fireplace. He lets out a exhale and begins removing his armor, undoing every strap. He removes everything except for his greaves and boots. His skin was pale, barely able to see the body markings that covered his body. His head was shaved. He wore a blindfold that had a faint glow on it. There was plenty of wounds and cuts on his body that were fresh with blood still coming out of them. He reaches for the rags and slowly begins cleaning the wounds talking to himself as he does so. His voice was low but deep.

Spoiler

YouTube video: JlmBeLoFoCM[/youtube]

((Theme I listened to while writing. May or may not fit))

“Target eliminated. Redguard. Male. Middle age. Name…. It no longer matters. Noble. Highly protected. Taken place in Hammerfell. Reason for execution… Cynthia said so.”

As he cleans the wounds he slides his finger over the larger cut that was on his arm. He reaches for the thread and needle holding his arm over the table and slowly begins snitching the wound.

“Her list is almost complete. She will have her revenge. And I will act on her behalf.”

He does not flinch to each time he inserts the needle into his skin. He just continues facing towards the unlit fireplace.

“It’s been months since I’ve began this quest of vengeance. A quest of justice. For someone who will live on through me. She has been wronged too many times in the past. I’m correcting all she has failed to achieved to do, before her fate.”

He finishes the stitching and leans forwards resting his arms on his legs

“And this fate I have fallen victim to… vampirism. Something I have been ashamed of. Something I could have avoided. I could have killed myself before the infection took over. But I didn’t. I could not die right there in that cave. Too much left uncompleted. Too much I must finish. Finishing this act of vengeance, high priority. Searching the 4 corners for a cure… low priority.”

He leans back on the chair

“The events in Eastmarch recently, with Lucrezia. With Hloriella. With the Mer they were with. It’s been troubling me. My words… how far I’ve allowed this to go. I wanted to avoid all of this. I… I got too close. I missed interacting with her I just…” He grunts

“It’s in the past. I was hoping telling her that I died would just make her leave me alone. Just become a faded memory. But no… the opposite happened. I got close again. Traded words with her and Fedris. Made them actually believe I was gone, but they wanted better answers than just saying a body was not there. I told them the truth. There was no body. Because It was still moving.” He sighs frowning

“They went to where I was infected… but instead of answers. I put them in my own web. I just did not want to be seen this way. But the alternative was no better. Now Lucrezia believes she killed me. As a blood fiend. She puked afterwards. She was in deep pain. Pain that she could have avoided if she fucking listened to me for once” He gets louder as he speaks to himself, slamming his fist onto the table. The stitching pops and the wound opens back up. He redoes the stitching again.

“And my daughter… my eldest at least. I’ve been distracted. Making sure she is not harmed. I clear the roads a head where she might walk. Ridding them of bandits and others that seek to harm such a soul like hers. I was never aware of her until I was…. Infected. Everyday I ensure she is safe. At night I begin my hunt. I have not slept in weeks. But sleep is not needed. There is work to be done. Repairing this armor alone will take the rest of the night and tomorrow.”

He stands up taking his armor and walks outside with it.

-Same dark home-

Theme

YouTube video: v_ffupv0Fag[/youtube]

Inside the room remained the same. Cold, dark and mostly quiet. There was a soft thumping noise and happened every few minutes.

Insider the Man in Ebony Armor sits in his chair staring at the unlit fireplace.

“If you asked me what I thought about vampires months ago. Years ago. I would have told you that they are heartless abominations. They are evil. They should be eradicated and killed no matter if they chose the curse or not. No matter if they serve the God of lies or not. Every single vampire that exist right now, they deserve permanent death.”

There was another thump in the room

“But what about the ‘good’ vampires. They deserve it too. You have three options when you become a vampire. First option before turning, you kill yourself right there on the spot. Unless you can get a potion of cure disease within 3 days you kill yourself. Next option, transform. This is the common one. This is where the evil begins. In order to go on living as a Vampire you need to drain the blood of another living person. This can kill a person or this can make them weaker. No one wants their blood taken from their body. No one. And a chance remains that they be infected.

Another thump again.

“Last choice. Turn and don’t drink blood. This results in you being a blood fiend. But you become so bloodthirsty and mad driven you won't control yourself and kill anyone you see. Arguably another option is to cure yourself. That option is not easy and can not be done in a week. You will have to deal with the first three options first before a cure can even be considered.”

The thumping gets louder
He slowly removes his helm stands up. A chain is revealed to be wrapped around his forearm

“Now the real question is, am I evil? Am I an abomination as well? My reasons are my own. I did not want this fate. I wish to rid myself of it when I can. But right now I can not. So then? Am I evil…”

He turns around to reveal there was a Altmer man tied up completely. His hair was long and his face was scratched up. His face had fear written all over it. He was making thumping noise with his feet as he tried to break free. He looked up at the Ebony man making breathing heavily with some gagging.

The Ebony man walks towards him

“Yes. Yes I am.”

The Ebony man walks towards the tied up Altmer grabbing him by the collar of his shirt and drags him out the house.

“I’m a monster”

Shuts the door behind him as he drags him out. His muffled screams can be heard even behind the door.

The room did not change much since the last time. The Ebony man enters the home sitting down on his chair in front of the unlit fireplace

“Next target eliminated. Altmer. Male. Fighters Guild member. Another coward that abandoned Cynthia. The list is coming to close. Two more names remain.”

He leans forward

“At least point, a cure would be more reasonable to look into. But how? When I was mortal and the hall steward of the Fighter’s Guild in vulk for a while, I would over hear much of the discussions of the mages guild. Back when Bethany was magister there.

He pauses a moment

“Bethany. Another friend that I miss. No words could ever describe how amazing she was. She was just… perfect. But don't want her to see me this way. There was discussions I would overhear. On ways to cure this disease. All just sounds like rumors. Perhaps snatch the mage that ported Lucrezia and her friends to Eastmarch. I think I will. He might fear me still. I need that fear for a little longer.
And then there is Kana. I wanted to hear her voice once more, she was talking to someone about return long home to Anvil. She was in denial, that she abandoned her mother for her own selfish acts. She was wrong. But I do not blame her. She inherited it from me. But she is returning home, but….. I feel everything may change in the future. I'm going to leave her a surprise. Something she might hate me for. But I love all my children, even though all of their mothers do not love me. I do not blame them, any of them. “

He lets out a sigh

He reaches for paper and a quill and inkpot

“I hope my daughter does not hate after reading this note. Everything will be much better with time.”

“Then there is Lucrezia. I have not checked on her since she came back from Eastmarch. She was in pain before leaving, I'm afraid of how she dealt with that pain. I've seen her with someone else. That's good. When the time comes everything will be less painful… I would go check on her, but I promised to never see her again. Maybe if stay stealthy in her home one day.

I feel I can't actually stay away from Vulk or the Valenwoods. Much of my best memories are from there. Hopefully when this is over, everyone there will be new and no one will know me. Rumors of my death caused more damage than it should.”

-Take place in the same home. This is time its very well lit and warm. Fresh food hangs in on corner of the home, and boxes and junk in the other. Wall mounted heads decorate the room and the fireplace was lit and the fire dances-

The door just closes right behind a Bosmeri woman who just walked out.

Afer looks at the door wearing plated nordic armor. He stared at the door for a while before turning to his chair in the center of the room. He sits down thinking aloud

“That… was weird. Horrible. I never knew how badly I spoke to women before. Am I this bad at flirting? By the eight… That Junia woman… I should just avoid the tavern if she is there again.

At least I'm alive again...Nearly a year of me being infected. I waited so long to deal with it, I had to first settle my vengeance for Cynthia which took a very long time… but at what cost? Fedris was ready to kill me the second he knew I was infected. Hloriella actually missed me… She probably cried. Hloriella crying. That will be a sight. Lucrezia… moved on, to someone else. I should not be surprised by this, I told her to. But I still feel something there. I should tell her but, no. It’s not fair to that Alex fellow. I thought I was clever in making it seem I moved on as well, talking about ‘one nighters’. How much a ass I probably sounded like. Guess I deserve that punch in my err… ‘Afers’ she gave me. It still hurts a little bit. Both my afers and my chest.”

He looks around the room

“This house Charlotte got for me is nice. Small nice for one person. I can be comfy and all alone. Yep… alone. Just me… No Dunther. Dunther. Fuck who am I kidding I miss Dunther. He was a shit. But he was my friend. We hunted and travel. He taught me things and I helped him. But he is in a better place now. He’s with Kana in Anvil… heh. I overheard her talking about how lonely it was being in her house all the time. Ophelia worked all the time, and I was not around. I use to feel that way a while back. Now Dunther gives her all the company she needs. I guess we trade places. I'm the one all alone and she got the best friend anyone can ask for. Take care of her, Dunther, please. But… she deserves so much more from me than a dog and a world full of problems. I’m gonna make it up to her, all my children. I lost count which ones I have… I need to go searching.

And some reason I joined the fighter’s guild again. I swore I wouldn’t but.. Hey it happened. I made a shitty first impression for the new Hall steward there, Terath I believe. Probably questioning how I even got that position in the first place after seeing my performance. But that's fine, when I was dueling Lucrezia for his test, I was not fighting to impress him or show him what I’m made of. I pulled my punches, I did not block what I should have.I was not being tested, I was the one doing the examination. I was testing Lucrezia. He was right, she was a unconventional fighter. That's good. But how effective is she with that? If she was the last person to defend a dying man against a daedra or raging Vampire, would a swift blow to the testicles be enough? She needs work. Lots of it, she is good enough to fight me but there is a lot more improvement needed, and she needs work on being a leader. Oh lots of it. Why am I thinking about Lucrezia again? Gods I need a drink…. I need a massive shipment of mead to this house.”

Spoiler

YouTube video: b6KGbNeUxGpBGqLFaZhs[/youtube]

((Theme I listened to))

Afer sits in front of the fire once more, shirtless and stitched pants on. Only light source in the room was from the fireplace which the fire danced constantly throughout the night. Afer sat back in the chair in front staring at the fire this time only thinking, not speaking aloud.

He raises his hands to his head making a pained face

There it is again. The throbbing in my head. But not like the usual throbbing i feel. No this one is different. Whenever I feel this throbbing at the same time my chest hurts, as if my heart was slowly trying to claw its way out of my chest. Then afterwards my chest just go numb. Ever since I’ve been revealing things to Lucrezia, this feeling has been constantly coming back. Night after night. Day after day. And now the pain has been amplified ten folds. I told her too much, she told me too much. Is this what guilt feels like? Rarely do I feel this. Now everything in my past, all my secrets, lies, truths I kept hidden away. Now they all haunt me constantly. Whenever I think about Lucrezia, it’s nothing but guilt. Why? I think of all the others I affected and nothing. Why her? This is what romance does to you? This is why I wanted to avoid it. Everything was better when we were friends. I hope to the eight it stays this way. We are friends now and I prefer it this way--

He makes the pained face again

This throbbing is getting worst the more I think about her. I hate this, I kept secrets to avoid hurting people. Lots of them, tucked away into a dark corner. My secrets should only hurt me. Why is it hurting others? Guilt is eating me alive. I don’t even feel guilty about Kana… Fedris… Nelliel... Bethany. Any of them. Just Lucrezia.

He stops a moment and pulls the dagger that was wedged into the table that was next to him. He pulls it out holding it in his hands, gently sliding his finger along the edge, it was not sharp enough to cut that easily.

I’ve been fighting for years, over decades. I’ve felt emotional pain before. Many times. There is a number of solutions. But right now, for this guilt this is only one temporary solution for me. Only way for me to stop dealing with emotional pain is...

He puts his arm on the table and grips the the dagger facing it downwards pointing at his arms. He closes his eyes and braces himself, with force he drops his arm and stabs his forearm with the dagger.

“AHH! GAH!!”

He made a pain face slightly kicking his feet. At the pain. He keeps pushing through till it breaks through the other side of his arm. He takes a deep breath and pulls the dagger doing his best to not scream in pain. He pulls the dagger all the way out. His face was red and covered in sweat. He breathed heavily. His left arm laid on the table with a open wound leaking blood on the table. He grabs bandages he kept nearby and cleans the wounds and wraps it with bandages.

You solve it by distracting it with physical pain. It hurts when I clench my fist. Clench your fist whenever Lucrezia pops in your mind.

He closes his eyes

The throbbing went away.

He stands up looking at the mirror in the corner of the room.

Now smile.

He makes a awkward attempt at smiling

No. Thats a smile of pain. It shows you are hiding something. I don’t show the pain on my face. No one needs to see your pain. There are worse issues out there.

He closes his eyes taking a deep breath going again. He relaxed more putting on his usual cocky grin. He wore it like it was natural.

That’s the face I keep. Don’t bring people down. Raise their hopes.

He lays down on his bed, closing his eyes.

Afer sits down shirtless in his very well lit home. A bandage covers his red and crooked nose as he sits in front of the dancing fire. His hand grips a dagger and constantly jams it into the nearby table as he speaks.

“The throbbing is gone. I no longer feel guilty, angry yes. But no more guilt. I’ve done what I could to make up to Lucrezia. Offered training, advice… friendship. Right our friendship. It’s actually exactly how it should be. Just friends, should not have let it blossomed into a romance in the first place. Lucky for me I am use to romances ending for me. A lot less painful this time around. Now that I think of it, the romance ending had no effect on me. Just the mind torturing guilt that took over. How badly I harmed her just by telling a few lies… was not my intentions at all. But it should be fixed now. Just needed to yell at it eachother a little more. Just like we always do”

He sighs

“I figure at this point Terath is just looking down on me still wondering how in oblivion I even became the hall steward in the first place. Don’t think I left any impression on him yet… not that I need to. Don’t think it matters really. In time I will care to impress, right now I’m a lot more focused on Lucrezia growing as a better leader…. And sword training. Those daggers won't save her for long. She needs something with more reach and strength.

She is not the only that needs help. The little flower, Viotta. I… I need to make it up to her. The senche hunt was suppose to be easy. The Senche we found was already nearly dead from a recent fight. One stab and it fell. I let Viotta execute it with a dagger that I gifted her. Then the troll came…”

His expression slightly turns. He frowns clenching his jaw

“That fucking troll. It was young, still bigger than me but much weaker. And that entire encounter I was on the ground. I managed to hit it in the eye with a dagger then it backhanded me across face. Broke my nose and fractured a part of my skull. Luckily medics helped but… that troll. I should not have lost. I should have not been on the ground of that fight. Viotta was harmed because of me. Why? Cause I was distracted that entire fight.... At that time the guilt was still eating me alive. She was hurt so bad, it grabbed her and broke one of her ribs. The poor little flower, hearing that scream hurt on the inside. And it was my fault… I did what I could to make up for everything. I went back to get the senche body, predators got to it already but left a lot of bone. I removed all the bone for Viotta to choose from for her staff. I gave her a dagger. I repaired Henry, her staff she named after her dog. She even carved a little figure on her staff and said it was me… it was touching actually. It always feels good to be appreciated. Especially like that. I thought carving a flower on her staff would make it up… but its still not enough. There needs to be more. It's my fault she was hurt. My fault she nearly died.”

He stands out his chair grabbing his battle axe that was leaning against the wall. Begins slapping on armor.
“I demand vengeance. I demand blood. Troll’s blood. And I want my dagger that was stuck in its eye. And I want a new head mount. ”

-Takes place in a random unknown area of Valenwoods-

Slowly the sun rises over the trees, sunlight finding its way through all the leaves and branches and beaming straight over the face of a bloody and muddy Afer laying on the forest ground with several small insects crawling over him.

Slowly waking up he winces to his current head pain and opens his eyes, squinting as the lightly reaches his eyes but he just lays there.

Am I dead? No no, there is no sunlight where I’m going when I die. Or probably any light. I don’t know how the whole death thing works. This is not my yard. What creature did I wake up next to this time? Please be a non clingy beautiful woman.

He slowly turns his head to see a forest troll on the ground with his large 2 handed axe, Cynthia, stuck in its chest. Surrounding the troll are empty mead bottles. The whole area is painted with blood.

Close enough. Drunk hunting again and passing out again. My head is throbbing again. Hangover and guilt is a nasty combination. This type of pain does not distract me however. Where am I? I don’t recognize this area of the forest. Probably went out further than last time. And that troll is young looking. I want to kill something bigger than it, much bigger. Alone. I want a new head mount. A bigger troll head. The hunt continues, did I bring enough-- yes I did. Always bring extra mead on hunts. Time goes by faster when you are drunk.

I told Lucrezia that I could not get drunk anymore, she gave a silly idea as usual about drinking so much that I’m sober again. Ok. I swore I would stop lying to her. But it just happens. I’m always drunk, it’s the best way to drown out the guilt without having to inflict damage on myself. There is suppose to be a test I need to go to today “... Pfft” . Who cares. I was hallsteward before. That test is worthless for me.

Gods I think I’m drinking even more than I ever have? I know why, asking myself questions I already know the answer too. Keys mentioned something about living on Anvil streets and how horrible it is. Ophelia and Kana did not have much gold, did I make both of them live on the streets due to my fault. That idea been running in my mind ever since. Ophelia’s parents at the time were mostly just fishers, not much gold to support another child. And now I find myself choosing between talking to Kana or hunting. I don’t think I can face Ophelia... there are a number of lives I’ve ruined but hers was the worst. It’s not her wrath I fear, it’s me looking in her eyes knowing that I, one person successfully destroyed her life. I can’t repair that no matter how much I want to try but… I will make an attempt or offer to them. When I get my fucking new troll head mount.

He pushes himself off the ground stumbling barely able to get his balance. He limps and sways his way to the dead troll body, gripping the hand of the axe and pulls his axe out of its chest. Walks over in a random direction popping open another mead bottle and drinks it along the way

Head still hurts, but it’s never too early to drink.

-Takes place in a random area in Valenwoods-

Slowly as the sun rises over the Valenwoods the sunlight beams down once again on a drunken Afer laid down on his back, with his head rested against a dead jungle troll with his axe stuck in its chest. The area was covered in mead bottles and blood with some dead bodies of Senche in the area as well.

Afer laid there but fully awake staring off but not looking at anything in particular. He adjust his arm but winces to the pain. Looking down at his arm it’s bent in directions it’s not suppose to bend at at the joints. His face was fully scratched up with his wounds freshly open. Beard covered twigs and leaves. A stag beetle crawls over his face but it seems to not bother Afer.

Why am I not dead yet? Well I died once already. Not the same kind of death but I lost a big part of myself in that cave. I don’t even know who I am anymore, Afer? No no that's the part of me that died. I knew that part of me died when I as infected. I went on for that year nameless, Afer did die in that cave and he still is dead. So who am I? I’m no one. But I needed a name, the man needed a name so he borrowed Afer.

What happens when I do finally die? Will it just be darkness? Do I get a second chance? That’s something I don’t know yet… but soon will. I’ve should have just ended it, when I knew I was infected. Ended myself in that cave. But I could not...

Who am I? A sad and pathetic drunken lout filled with anger and guilt? I don’t want to be that but unfortunately… that's what I am. I did not mean to attack Lucrezia the way I did. We fought many times before, physically and verbally but, never have I acted out of anger. Is this all the mead taking over? I lunged at her when she kept insulting me, never would I let simple words bother me, what's so different now? She called me a sad, pathetic, weak drunkard. These are words you can hear from a child, why did I lunge at her then? Truth hurts sometimes when you can’t hide from it. But when I lunged at her, I did not see Lucrezia underneath me. No I saw everyone who has ever hurt me. The men who slaughtered my family, the daedra who killed my friend, the people who stabbed me in the back but… as the anger blinded me, there was a bit of light taking the form of Lucrezia lying there beneath me, beaten. My hands with blood on them… I’m not Afer. Afer would not do this. Who am I? Who am I? Who… am I?

He stands up barely able to hold himself up, he manages. His leg was revealed to be badly wounded as well. He pulls his axe out the troll’s chest.

A destroyer of my own life and those close to me.

He finds a un open mead bottle and opens it, drinking as he limps off

That trolls head was not big enough.

((renamed for the 50th time))

-Take place back in his home-

Afer sits home in front of the fireplace shirtless. Rubbing his head, adjusting his left arm which was in a sling as he kept his eyes closed.

Gods my head, I need a drink but… I don’t want to drink anymore. The jail time as not bad but it forced me to be sober. It forced me to sit there and remember all the stuff I wanted to keep blocked out. Stuck in a cell forced to think about all my failures… well the ones I don’t want to think about anymore.

Gods... the thoughts… I would have told anyone not to ever forget their failures and use it to strengthen themselves but look at me. Unable to follow my own damn advice. What a failure I have become…

Still the nightmares haunt me. Nothing worked. Fighting did not help, self inflicted pain did not help, drinking sorta helped but it affect people around me. Talking maybe… Might help. But I hate talking about my problems, it should just be mine to deal with. Still. People do seem to want to cross a certain line to help me, maybe I should just take a the help. Terath claims he dislocated my jaw because he was ‘helping a friend’. Either he means Lucrezia or me, I doubt its me but I appreciate him at least putting me back in place. I needed that. Then Bethany came by my cell, I’ve known Bethany for years and the one thing I never heard fly out her mouth were profanity words… well until that day. We talked for a while. Such a perfect looking woman she is yet, there is so much she hides underneath… like me. Guess we are both good at hiding it.I Guess I should talk more then, I hate talking. But there is not much else I can do

I talked to Terath about why I’ve been drinking, the man needs to smile more. He understood and let me talk his ear off for a while. Told him the truth… most things. Told him how I was a shitty leader, how I let my entire squad die in the hands of Daedra… How the real Afer died in a cave, and what abomination walked out. We came to an agreement that I lost myself and need to re-earn my place. Gods the guild is much better off in his hands than it was in mine. Still honorable man at least. Need to spar with him one day, seeing me as a broken man is one thing, but seeing me as a fragile warrior is another… I do not go down that easily, at least when I’m sober.

Still I don't think I’m helping Lucrezia as much I thought I was, I really don’t know what to do anymore. The woman is gonna be a temporary Hall Steward. Who knows, she might keep the job after Terath comes back. Still even I should just try one more time talking to her before anything major goes wrong.

I want a drink. But I can’t. Still want one, the memories are all coming back again…

Was laying down in a bed most likely next to a certain imperial woman who was asleep. Would be staring at the ceiling, thinking to himself.

Almost a month ago I promised myself I would stop lying to the people I cared for. Lied to Lucrezia’s face. Lied right Viotta’s face twice and gave her false hope. She believes that I’m sick and that I can be cured. This can't be cured, just delayed. But do I tell someone the truth? Lucrezia? No. I don't want to bring her into anymore issues I have. Terath? No. Hloriella? Fedris? My daughter? No. None of them. Bethany maybe? I suppose she might know a better method to slow it down, but no. I can’t, because each of them will do the same thing perhaps and try to help me. My fate is sealed. There is no helping. I have half a decade left… but I won't be dying to a sickness or curse. No my death awaits on the battlefield. Its how I knew I would not die today, I did not have my axe. I can not die unless my axe is in my hands.

He begins to talk a bit, whispering the nexts words to himself in the nordic language

“Vid offraar vølsung quinch. To die on the battlefield.”

Goes back to thinking

I think I said that wrong. I think I’ve been saying war field this whole time. My nordic tongue needs a practice. A lot. I still need learn how to say ‘wield’, ‘axe’, and ‘bed’ in nordic. Maybe ask a actual Nord.

Afer stands in front of a brazier with his gauntless off and him looking at his heavily wrapped wrist

"You are the soul reminder that darkness does not take us all by the throat"

He says to himself before going back to thinking

Words I not thought I would hear someone tell me. Especially her. That means what I'm doing is working. Never change, Afer.

Sitting in front of a fire in his home. Afer holds out a Sapphire in his hands, observing it between his fingers.


Almost a week now. Still did not tell her. I can’t… not now at least. She will blame herself and then run away. Like I did… I will wait. I’m sorry. Please don't hate me when the time comes.

Grips the sapphire in his hands and clenches his fist.

He holds out Kana’s journal that she left behind. Flipping through the pages reading through them as he thinks to himself. Eye are watery as he sits in the main hall in his home.


I’m no stranger to my fears. I’m use to them all but I’m use to my fears appearing when I close my eyes. But my worst fear I have lived through… twice. The second one was different and not as bad. The first time… I still have memories of that moment. Yes it was a nightmare but it felt too real. The scent of her blood and body odor. Her familiar voice in my ears. Her clothes her skin… it felt too real. Witnessing my daughter die twice is something I never thought I would have to see. As real as the day I had to bury my own mother when she was slaughtered right in front of me. Even from that many years ago the scent of my mother’s blood is still familiar to me. And now…

He sighs

My daughter did exactly what her father has done all those years ago. Blame herself. Blame someone else. And run from your problems. She will see that running away only starts new problems that stack with the old. But by the time she realize this, i will be dead. But I know not where she is. I’ve discovered I have another half sibling. Not surprising. Thanks Father…

Ursula is her name. It sounds nordic. Yet she is a dunmer. Father fucked a Dunmer woman and she is older than me. She is aiding me in finding my runaway daughter. And of course another person who shares blood with me, both Lucrezia and Hloriella disrespects them and chase them off. Both of them are nothing but…. just cancers. Cut the cancer out before it spreads. Sadly I let it spread too much but now I’m cutting it. Both can rot in Oblivion beside each other. A gem and a sword was good enough to shut Lucrezia up at least. No reason for us to talk. Hloriella can just disappear. Someone I met for a few minutes has done more and helped me more than all my friends, except Cynthia, combined. I need better friends. Or a I suppose I should say I need an actual friend.

I need to go.

Afer sits in front of the fire place of his home.

Life is good. Life is bad. A nice mixture of both.

Maybe review the bad first.

My daughter hates me, which is normal. I hated my father so it only makes sense she hates her father as well. She doesn't wish to see me if she doesn't have to, but like I said before to others… I do not care whether she likes me or not, I care more for her growth and maybe this is what is needed. She shown me she can be independent and care for herself. She is growing well and I thank Keys for being helpful or at least her friend.

Terath is being odd. I believe Talrielle and everything she says. Terath is not an imposter but he is not himself, that faker that took him to the desert did something. Do’varr points out it could be the Maormer but I still don't know where he might be. Fucking Terath… whatever is happening you are not allowed to die. You still owe me a rematch.

Lucrezia is still being a bitch. I figured like a normal person she would take the hint that I don't want to deal with her. But she is eager to cause more issues. She still is talking down to me but… that doesn't matter. Even the 5 seconds of Bucket head being in charge he talked to me like a warrior. Like a partner. I know Terath talks to her a lot more and even he talks to me like a proper warrior. Like a person. Everyone in the guild talks to me like we are partners, like a family. But it’s only Lucrezia who still talks down. She can't be professional for even a moment unless she is kissing Terath’s ass. I’ll say this again. She is a cancer. And I aim to cut this cancer out of my life… hopefully in time she would just understand to just shut up. I still do care for her, I guess that is why I saw that vision of her dying. She was along side my mother, Kana and Viotta. I just... was respect.

Now the good parts.

Kana is good on horseback… I never taught her that but she sounds to be a natural.

I’m feeling like a have a place in town again.

And I have a new friend. Kinae is a mute but she has proven to be the greatest I ever had since Cynthia… guess something I’ve been missing for a while. She helped me get back into my roots of adventuring to distant lands and slay massive beast. I might expand my head collection again. Funny… a mute girl who can shrug nod and gesture I connect to more than any other person in my life. Guess I was just bad at picking friends.

I need to take a old gift back from something...

Afer sits in front of the fire. Thinking quietly to himself.

She is growing. Just a few months ago she hated my guts but now thats all been repaired. To show how much I cared I’ve gotten my daughter a horse, Avel was its name.. Something about the horse. It's perfect for her. He has a very demanding attitude much like how Dunther was but Dunther is getting older and a lot calmer than what he use to. And his fur seems more pinkish than I remember. I just hope he does not harm her too much. He bit her hair the other ripped off half of it and bucked her off numerous times and purposely ran off in random directions with her still on. But when she actually puts her foot down he listens… but she doesn’t see it yet. Give it time, she will learn what it means to be a leader. And she love Avel back.

And then there is Bethany. Every time I turn someone I know is having issues with siblings. Fedris and Hloriella. Krimie and Kirawaen. Bethany and … nevermind that. I grew up as a only child, I’ve craved the idea of having a younger brother or sister. But my father was just not around. I was the result of his ‘adventures’ and my mother, to him, was simply another cave to explore. Still I was so desperate for a sibling I’ve labeled anyone close to me as one. Cynthia, Bethany… but it just doesn’t fill the void. Charlotte and Ursula are actually my half sisters but the connection is not there. We help each other but It’s just not there. I truly hope Bethany repairs this issue. This constant feud between family members is just disgusting. At least you have something many others can only wish they can have...

Afer leaves a book on his desk

Afer looks at the journal he wrote over a week ago, reading over his notes and at the gigantic mess of ink he made to cover up the notes. He stares at the part that says ‘Me’ for a moment before putting the book down and closing it. Resting his head back, speaking aloud to himself.

“Me. Trustworthy, always willing to put someone else before me, always wanting to bring out the best in people, willing to risk hatred just to ensure my fighters become better people. Goals. Impossible goal of living in a world without fear, making everyone feel safe.”

He raises his hand and pinches his forehead and rubs it as he lets out a sigh through his nostrils

“Flaws. I don’t know what I’m doing. Coward.”

He falls silent.

Sitting down in his own dimly lit home, Afer puts down a book he just finished reading and puts his feet up on his dining table. Beside him was a finely crafted greatsword resting along the wall. Afer rubs the side of his neck as he thinks to himself. Taking his own journal he begins taking down names as he thinks.

“A Hero’s Weapon. A book Kana had for quite a few years it seems. The cover was all worn out and scratched. Damn girl is the same as a walking library, and im sure Dunther chewed on this. The book describes why the greatsword is the best weapon a warrior can use in battle. But I don’t care about that really. What I care about is what the author wrote about those who wield greatswords and how people view them. As heroes. Legendary figures, not all of course. The bravest, strongest, smartest, and of course, the most handsome wield greatswords. Some of those I’ve seen wield greatswords are pretty ugly, but I wonder, what if thats something commoners believe in? Something people look up to? Just by having it on your back, many would feel overwhelmed by the sight of it. They might even believe that those who wield the greatsword does not fear injury or grave consequences. A hero. I’m willing to believe that. And I fit all those descriptions anyway”

Looking to his greatsword as he continues to write down names.

“Lucky me that blacksmith paid back his debt months ago. So what do I name this one? All weapons need a name. Name it after something I care about? Cynthia? No… that was my axe’s name. I’ve returned it to Cynthia’s grave, to its rightful wielder. After my mother? No, I dare not dishonor his name as it’s clear I’m not even worthy to wield Cynthia any more. Kana? No that would get confusing. Dunther- no. Gis- no. Probably not after someone… hrmmm I hate coming up with non foolish names.”

He continues scribbling, scratching his head.

Afer sits on his favorite cliff, overlooking the heart tree in Cormount.

“I said long ago it was impossible to repair this, but now I’m given a golden opportunity. Fourteen years worth of her memory is gone. Fourteen. She didn’t even remember me. Nothing. I can start over but this time, she can’t know. Never. That year of us being together is what caused so much lingering damage. Just have to keep people quiet. Though I dislike him and he is an idiot, Alex might shut up about it. Have to shut Fedris and Styletta up as well. Maybe Hloriella. And Kashya but, Lu probably thinks Kashya is a drunken idiot so she won’t believe her.”

Closing his eyes and sighs.

“I’m not a bad friend…”

Slowly walking through town in the middle of the night, he stops to look up at the night’s sky.

A duel, an enemy, and a love interest all in the same week. One connecting to the other. The duel wasn’t worth it in the end. Every punch he threw, a memory rushed back. Memories I didn’t want to remember. Memories of losing myself. Memories of me losing people because I lost myself. Each punch brought back a memory. Each memory made me angrier. Then… I snapped. Every time I snapped, someone always gets hurt badly. The last time I snapped, I killed someone using only my fist. He died twenty minutes before I finished punching his body. When I told Rubesh, she was disgusted with me completely. I was no longer Afer in her eyes, I was just monster with a grin. I don’t understand anymore. I lie to keep people safe from seeing me as this monster, but then my lies always strike back. But the truth hasn’t help me anymore. My mind is scattered again… I hate it here. The damn trees blocks the sky.

He looks back down and heads to the Mercenary Hall.

“At least I'm giving mead a break. I suppose I should try drinking tea again. A cup of Giselle’s Touch wouldn't hurt.” He smirks lightly.

Toying with an emerald necklace in his hand as he sits on the edge of a cliff.

“24th of Midyear. I took a different approach this time. Usually I spend this day to myself in silence and alone. But it doesn’t help. Never did help. So this time I decided to do the opposite. Give something back to those who I consider friends. Nothing grand. Every year I spend this day remembering everything about my mother since this is the same day she died. But showing other people that I care might be a much better alternative. I do feel better at least.”

He sighs.

“At least today felt like a good birthday”

What I listened to while writing this.

YouTube video: JlmBeLoFoCM[/youtube]

Afer sits in a small room, looking forward at someone as he speaks to them.
“It’s been sometime since we last spoke. I’ve been busy… very busy. Countless sleepless night, painful body aches, skipping meals, the list goes on. T-that hole we dug ourselves into all those years back, it's getting deeper and flooding with water. N-now I’m drowning in water and I don’t know if I should just let it kill me, stay afloat or just… I don't know.”

He grips the sides of his hair and then brushes it with his hand, putting his head down.

“I… we never know what to do when everything turns against us. I thought this path we’ve taken would be the correct one. I expected bumps and tremors but now it's gotten to the point where we’re just some kind of sick side entertainment for whatever god is looking down at us. The treatment to cure Giselle’s illness cost more gold than I’ve ever held at once. The company doesn’t have enough, I don’t have enough, no one has enough. I’m already in enough gold debt that I’m buried up to my neck in it. I still haven’t told her about the house either. I need gold. A lot of it but with this injured arm, I can’t get much done. My only option is to just sell everything I own. I already sold my prized sword, my trophies which both will collect dust in some Altmer’s home. I… there isn't much else I own that will sell for a lot. Except…”

He raises his hand, holding out an gold necklace with a emerald gem in it. He makes a pained expression as looks at it.

“My mother’s necklace. There is no other object I value more than this. I was to save this for someone. Someone special. Someone who I’m ready to share the rest of my life with. But now looking at this damned thing, I wish I just said no to her. Giselle wouldn’t have made it far on her own and eventually dragged back to her home. No child to care for, no illness threatening her life, no working long hours just to get crap for pay. She only traded one nightmare for another. And in this nightmare, I’m the cancer. It's too late for her to go back. She would be disowned. I should have just left…”

He looks up.

“What? Don’t look at me like that... I don’t always leave. But when I’m the obvious problem it's better to just remove yourself. But it's too late now.

I have a grip on my emotions.

I don’t self pity myself to cope with my anger…

Shut up…

Don’t…

Don’t compare me to him.
I’m not nothing like him…

Shut up…

I said SHUT UP!”

He shouts, balling his fist and punching the mirror he was speaking to. He shatters the glass, getting shards in his hand. He begins to bleed and moments later he widens his eyes. He begins picking the shards out and then banadaging his hand.

“I was doing one armed push ups on the beach and then mudcrabs pinch my hand.”

He finish bandaging, looking at the the mostly shattered mirror. Stares at it before forcing a grin on his face.

“Everything is all good. Just go get gold. Whatever it takes…”

Afer sits in a small room alone again. His head was down with his hands gripping the back of his head. His knuckles were bloody with small shards of glass sticking out of his hands. The room’s floor covered in broken glass and the mirror in front of him was completely shattered. He was slightly shaking his head with a soft sobbing sound coming out. He mutters softly to himself.

“Sorry… its lost forever.”

Afer wakes up in an unfamiliar bed, making a pained face as he tries to sit up, barely able to move his right leg. He looks down and notices his leg was stitched up all the way up the shin. He winces as he tries to remember what happened yesterday. He rubs the side of his head as he looks around the room, remember he is on a boat. He notices the pile of jewels at the side of his bed. He looked confused at first, then he smiles, then frowns. He remembered. He took a deep breath, picking up the jewels and stand up, using the wall to support his balance.

“It’s… its not stealing. They were dead. It’s fine… but, I need more...”

He makes his way off the ship.

Afer sits over a tall cliff overlooking the ocean with a few bottles of ale with him. He opens one and downs it before tossing off the cliff.

“Left alone to my thoughts again…”

He opens another one and drinks it

“It feels like a part of me is missing or just gone forever. Is this this growth or do I finally realize I just don’t care? Now I question everyone’s behavior towards me. Do the people say they care actually care? What benefit do they have dealing with me? Easy answer, they don’t… at least most that say they do. But do I care or do I want to care? Mother would have given me an answer but I’m, for once, without her wisdom. People are strange… but I’m stranger. But now I question… does she actually care and do I actually care about her. Seeing Aric again made me realize how much I was pulled into this pointless love triangle. Giselle led him on but for what reason? And what about me? Was I her savior from him? A means of escape? Was that all I was to her at the time? But then again, what about her? Do I actually love her or do I love that she had my child? My first one...because my daughter isn’t my daughter. She is symbol of where I failed Ophelia.”

He downs his last bottle, smashing it onto the ground right next to him. He gets shards in his hands (again), wincing at the pain. He looks at his hand.

“Greeeeeat. Now i have to go to the clinic. Again. If I haven’t been stealing from shipwrecks, I wouldn’t have any gold. I even resorted to banditry on the roads. How far off the mountain I’ve fallen just to save someone...but I stopped caring.”