Ali's Journal [insert edgy title for it here]

You know, I suggest to all of my patients in therapy to write a journal of all accounts of their day, and how they're feeling, but I don't write one myself. What sense does that make? Well, I suppose that I'm not in some great depression or on the verge of killing myself; but a journal would still help me. Probably.

Anyways, I went to Cantose's little mercenary house-place yesterday for a drink with him. I expected it to be much more fun, and although we had some good conversation, he's just dreadfully boring in personality.

It was very refreshing to go home to... well, a new home, and my little ones. I'm so much happier now that I'm alone. It feels like things are falling into place for me, and although I miss Elsy sometimes, I'm so much better off without her. My children miss her, too, but they're not coping badly. I adore this house. It's the perfect size for the four of us, and all of our animals. I'm ready to create a plethora of happy memories here.

Did I mention there's a basement? There's a basement. A good sized one, too, that I can use for a nursery. No more going to the imports mer in the main city, no more hiding from Elsy, no breaking the Green Pact and risking a swarm of murderous Pact bosmer! Just my own little nursery, with my own little plants, and my own little shrine of Hircine. Speaking of Hircine, I've stopped wearing my amulet under my armor in town. I also put on the notice board that I'd be out because of my mother—but I barely keep in contact with her. I hope she's well, but I really have no clue. I was just terrified by what happened with Cimber. I don't want to be next, gods, I need to stay far away from Seri. I contacted Wren and asked if I could stay in her cave awhile until I knew I was safe. I also made up this tall tale about mercenaries that were after me, because I stole some mean womer's dowry. I know she'll harbor law-breakers, but I would definitely be trying my luck and putting my life on the line if I told her the truth. She believed every word I said. I even asked her why she trusted me, and she didn't bat an eye, she just told me I was such a trustworthy and honest mer—which is not untrue! There are just times where I need to twist the truth a little to protect myself. Wren is an incredibly sweet womer. I'll make sure her trust is not in vain, and my situation doesn't affect her.

Hircine preserve me.

I still haven't taken my own advice and started to write regularly. I have a lot to talk about. Maybe I'll write about it later. For now, I'm going to soak in my tub and read more history on the ruins of Laeloria.

I've kind of fallen in love with Rasad. Do I hate myself for it? Yeah, probably. Most definitely. Yes. I told him, and he asked to go for a walk with me. We went to my private clinic and stood upstairs, staring at the potion shelves. He told me about his late wife, and asked me about mine. It was difficult to recall. No one's really asked me about her before. At least, not for years, considering I don't really talk to people on that level anymore. He didn't ask how she died, though. He just told me if I had a nickname, it would be "Ali the Rabbit," because I've spawned nine babies. Then, he proceeded to ask me if I wanted to ask Amaethera and Bethany if they wanted to join him and I in the bedroom sometime. I thought that was kind of a weird request, and that they would both probably say no, but if he wanted to ask I didn't care. I can't tell if he's interested in me. Part of me hopes that he isn't, because I know that I don't need any kind of relationship right now. It's stupid. I like him, though. Fuck.

I've been doing so much therapy lately, on so many different folks, I'm kind of losing track of the days. I'm worrying about other peoples' problems way more than I've been worrying about mine for a long time. So, I went to that womer that hosted the Rose Garden party a while ago and asked her if I could join up as a performer. I sang her a song, which was a little uncomfortable for me, considering I haven't sang in front of others for quite a while—but she loved me, and so did her weird little assistant-type guy. You're hot shit, Ali. Good stuff. Good stuff.

Talking to Rasad about Camomillia has got me thinking about my past today. I used to get upset thinking about it, but now I suppose I'm indifferent, because I can't change something that's already happened. I think I ought to go visit my mother sometime and see how she's doing. I'm sure she misses me. Going back to that land though still irks me. I haven't been there since I was a young teenager, and I'm afraid if I do go they won't let me leave. I mean, I'll leave anyways, but I don't want to have to wriggle out of my family again and leave them upset, even if they are kind of a violent and murderous cult of Hircine. Hmm-hmm.

Wow, I just looked up from my bed and saw my reflection in the mirror across the way. Who's that handsome mer? Gods, Ali, you fucking narc. Go to bed.