Blood Like Ink - Illia's Journal

Sundas 23
Sun's Height

I know you have been a faithful chronicle of my life, dear journal. Yet I fear some of what I may put into you, in the coming days will be more cryptic than I have been in the past. Although I may be deluding myself to think that anyone would care to know my thoughts, or whereabouts. I have entered into an agreement Ugh, no. I started working for an interesting group of people. It is sort of like a gang. They call it a family, even if I am not sure of how I feel about that. While I still only promise to heal for them, I feel that I may be closer to their work than I really anticipated being. I have never in my life cared what someone does, as long as they need healing and treat me well, but it is one thing to be at a distance from their activities than to know them intimately.

Although I still do not truly believe I know anything intimately about their work, I feel a little closer to this than I was prepared to. I feel I must be careful now, about what I write in you. Even if it is mostly nonsense anyway.

On another note, I have found that my friend Hanet Arram, if that is even his name is working out of a place in Wayrest, and I have kept my room there for a few days. I did not anticipate moving to Wayrest, or Daggerfall but I suspect I may be here for a good long while. So it may be time for me to rent a more permanent space, as this is not conducive to my work.. and I do not feel right in this bed.

In the course of these events, I have met some people I would now consider friends. Arram has a friend, Kira, who I think I like. Even if I disapprove of his manner with her. I also met a man named Rellian, who is kind and often seems deep in thought. The more I know of him, the more I wonder why he is involved in the work he is. We seem to be friends. I hope we are friends. Especially if I am reading him correctly. I wish I understood certain mannerisms better. At least Jin is straight forward.. even if it is rather degrading and displeasing.. I know what he wants. There is a certain, pleasing simplicity in that.

There was also this woman at the Corner Club.. Ysara. I am unsure if she offered me a room in her place as a friend, or what it was.. But I have yet to see her again, perhaps it was passing fancy. Or a politeness. Though I am unsure that polite people offer bedrooms to strangers without strings attached. She did say room, not bed. That is an important distinction to remember if I see her again.

If I am honest though, one of the greater curiosities of my week has been my interaction with an Altmer named Rictus. I feel it is important to distinguish him as a Mer, rather than the more notable aspect of his being. He is a vampire though I did not know before I approached him, or I would not have.. He was every bit the gentleman and we had an unusual kinship. I found him fascinating. We carry similar burdens. Though I do not fully understand all of his. I felt that we were comfortable in one anothers' presence.I choose to believe it has nothing to do with the rumors I hear about, nor the fact he was extraordinarily handsome without a shirt.

The more I realize that, the more troubling I find it. Of all the individuals I meet, for me to feel that I have more in common with a vampire only makes me aware of how disconnected I am from others. I always thought it was others, that imposed that feeling upon me.. but now I am beginning to wonder if I have created it myself.

Is that why Arram was not honest with me? Or is it simply my propriety and fear that made him distrust me? I suppose he probably just wanted to use me, but would that have been such a bad thing?

No, I think it was because he cannot connect either, albeit in a different way. Though I wonder if maybe it isn't such a bad thing to connect with people that way. I still find myself excessively worried about him, but I cannot change him and I cannot rescue him from himself. Even if I could, I doubt we would remain friends. The best I can do is watch out for him. At a distance, without affection.

I hope that is enough. It is all I can do for the 'family' I have now, too. That, and apparently re-organize their internal organs. I cannot tell if Steel is my friend or terrified of me. He is Altmer, perhaps it is prejudice. Though he seems to be overcoming it.

It is time for rest, for I am unsure when I will get more of it.

- Illiatri Selethien

Loredas 29 (7/29)
Sun's Height

Something tells me I have made a mistake, though by who's reckoning it is a mistake I am unsure. I do not feel particularly remorseful about it, but I know the few friends acquaintances friends I have would judge me for it if they knew. I also do not know if it is safe to keep this written. He knows where I live and left without me noticing. However I have my doubts he would be so impolite as to rifle through a woman's personal journal.

I did not set about my day planning for it to end so strangely. I had a new client, who wanted a curative for impotence delivered as special cologne to his home, only he gave me the wrong address. Some part of me thinks he was trying to be clever with his order, maybe he thought I was selling something else. Nevertheless, I wandered around Wayrest looking for this address for quite some time before I realized I was being followed.

Although in truth, I never realized I was being followed. I did not notice until he sat next to me when I was at my wits end, wandering around the damn city. I miss Abah's, it was a chaotic spiraling city, but at least I knew the damn place and didn't worry so much about pretending I am a blind medicine woman.

In hindsight, I think I should have been more concerned I was being followed by a vampire. But he followed me for a reason, and upon reconsideration I do not know if my choice was correct. He certainly looked ill, I had not seen him so far gone before, perhaps he was kidding me. But I truly do not believe so. There hasn't been any reason for me to doubt his sincerity and he had no way of knowing.. Perhaps he did not expect me to consent.

All in all, I suspect if Rellian or Arram knew I gave him my blood, they would be up in arms. But he was ill, and I cannot heal a vampire with my magic and herbal remedies are not the same for vampires. I do not know why he needed a volunteer, perhaps he was too weak by whatever is hurting him, to find someone unwilling. I realized when I said yes, that even if it was uncomfortable it was sparing others. It was.. less unpleasant than I predicted.

I did however learn something new in the process. About myself and vampires.. Though that was a given, being bitten by one is not exactly a hands-on education. There is more that I do not know, than I know. But about myself, I was unsure how my blood would differ. In Pyandonea, it is our ink blood that is our greatest gift. Satak's secret to knowing the whole world, the water, the ocean. Though all of its secrets are not known, we do know it is part of how we breathe water. For our cousins cannot, and we possess no gills like fish. I have compared it myself, and it has a very different smell to it. Alchemists know that most men and mer blood contains iron, my own does not. We were not sure if it would hurt him and for the first few seconds, I was concerned it was tasty and deadly.. but as it turned out, it had much more potent restorative properties.

Now I wonder if I need to worry that he might have a taste for it. Either way, as long as he is careful it means he is not hurting others. Despite my insistence, he left me gold this morning to pay rent to a new space. I don't know if the precedence is a good thing, but it is done and I cannot undo it. Am I any worse than the whores in the Corner Club? Taking money for part of my body? No, I am healing someone. It is different.

At least if I move, perhaps I don't have to worry so much about him randomly coming in and sucking me dry some night. Not that I think he would do that.

Either way, it barely left a mark and I finished it with a touch of magic. I barely had the energy to do so, but I was afraid of others finding out. Rellian has strong feelings about it, and I wouldn't want him to worry. Sometimes healing takes unconventional approaches.

- Illia

Morndas 31,
Sun's Height

I am a profound and undignified, under-qualified idiot. I told Rellian about Rictus. Perhaps I am incapable of maintaining relationships because I push away, do I trust TOO much? Or maybe I am inherently just unable to see the world as others do? Broken? Imperfect. He was not wrong, nothing he said was wrong. entirely. I cannot judge him for how he feels. Even if I fear he is ignorant of me, of my people.

But I couldn't help but feel nothing I said was wrong either, either way. I regret my decision to tell him. We fought and I am embarrassed to say I am sure some of the others saw it. It feels so soon for fighting. He told me he loved me, but he could not get past it.

Is that love then? Perhaps I simply do not understand the meaning of the word. I don't think I can dwell on this much more. I have to go get my furniture with Captain Adil. I shall return and write more.

- Ilia

Tirdas 2,
Last Seed

Rictus followed me to Stros M'Kai. I believe perhaps Maormer blood is of special significance. I was afraid, of what he might do. But he did nothing, he simply spoke and remarked on my terror. I still feel that he is a tortured soul in need of my help, but what help can I give that will not endanger me? What if Rellian is right?

Speaking of, upon my return we spoke and there was.. a resolution to our fight. At least the closest we will come to one. I doubt he means it, I do not know that I will ever feel that he trusts me completely. If I am so naive..

Am I so naive? Perhaps Arram is right about these things. Maybe I am just behind and everyone else is running ahead in a race I did not know I was in. We made up, in the way I suppose couples traditionally make up. By not actually allowing one another personal space, instead we very much violated each other's space.

That was profane. I will not sully this journal with those sorts of things. There was intimacy and less talking than we should have done, I gather. I just hope I am not being a fool and making myself vulnerable when I am already so fragile.

Ugh, there we go. All of this sounds so terribly self-deprecating. Is my worldview so morose? Do I struggle this much? I cannot imagine that is the case?

Hope. I suppose that's all I can do. Hope.

I've never been good at faith.

- Illia.

Fredas 4
Last Seed,

I've returned home after a long day with the Jackals, I feel that the words I may write in here now are an understatement of impossible proportions. Rellian had to return to the keep for scouting, but we laid by our spot for quite some time before I came back to the Corner Club.

To put this as underwhelmingly as possible. I have been exposed to the Llodos Plague. I am fevered, starving and my bones ache beyond measure but a young, fledgling healer named Olivyr gave us the curative. I have my doubts, but the documentation for this cure is sound, among those species that have already contracted them.

Maormer is not among them. I'm too tired to write much more but when I have broken my fever I shall document the events more thoroughly. As the experience is too valuable to go without.

For now I have to sleep. I have nothing left in me. My fear and paranoia is too overpowering to write just now. Or I might sully this journal with all the possible ways I may die and even if I may be fevered.. I would regret such ramblings.

- Illia
Posted Aug 8, 17 · OP

Tirdas 15
Last Seed,

Though the curative worked, it took me some time to recover from the drain that the plague caused. There were some complications, likely due to the level of exposure and my biology differing from those previously infected. I should have predicted this and requested a stronger dose from Olivyr at the time but I knew the supply was limited. Nor did I want to draw too much attention to the fact Maormer differ. Even if I am certain he would not find it off-putting, he has a scholar's fascination and I did not desire to be a test skeever be studied too intently.

Perhaps I will write him some notes.

Once I recovered, I ensured everything was burned and I finished moving into my new home. With the leftover coin from Rictus, I hired some youth to move anything that wasn't too valuable. I noted that my landlady did not repair the stairs so I had them build some. This was a mistake as they scarcely resemble stairs. However, I am able to access the loft and now that I am used to the climb it is not so bad. At least I can rest easy knowing I will definitely hear any intruders trying to access the loft.

Even still my finances are.. depleting. Rictus left me a note, informing me that he was distancing himself. I think my plague disturbed him, and I do not blame him. However it very well could be that my blood finally wore off and he realized the dangers. Beyond the risk to my own health, I fear his description of it bore too many similarities to drugs. I find strangely, that I miss him. Even if he scared me, I still find that I regret his absence. Despite his foibles he tried to be good to me, and.. Financial aid aside, I desperately miss the understanding we shared.

The Jackals informed me, as well as a few others that we were official now. I felt my throat grow tight when I heard this, as I do not know how I feel at the present. After the plague and the meeting I find myself questioning it more and more. Nevertheless, it felt strangely pleasant to be considered part of something and my codename was better than, ah, Garrick's.

"Tempest" I am unsure if this is a remark on my temper, my lineage or something else. But it could be worse, it could be Frosty.. Garrick seemed to hate it. Though given his behavior I do not wish to inquire why.

Rellian has remained on his scouting mission. I know I should miss him more than I do, but I am left so uncertain due to his declaration. Am I afraid of him loving me? Or am I afraid I just don't know how? Perhaps it's because I still feel that he doesn't understand me, that he doesn't trust me. It should hardly matter, with Rictus gone.. Yet there are several afflicted within the Family.

Even still, lately I have felt adrift in the realization that my life has drastically changed and I am caught up in the current, and struggling against a riptide. I do not know if my instinct is right and instead of making decisions I am allowing myself to float along, like a piece of driftwood or kelp. Mostly, because all of my decisions of late have left me wishing I had made other choices.

There was a good thing, despite all my complaints In spite of myself, I had an encounter that took me by surprise. I had followed some of the Jackals to Valenwood. Even though it is of great risk to myself and they do not seem to realize that.

We were in Vulkwasten, which is a part of the Green I have not really been in before. It is in Malabal Tor and very filled with Bosmer and other Dominion allies. I put myself in the position of appearing as Altmer, as I have many times before. Though the rain washed away the makeup I tried to use.

Luz was present, as were a few others.. Some I do not know personally. Either way, I had some tea and tried to keep to myself. However I wound up next to a man I thought to be Altmer, only to later discover he-

The simplest way to explain it, is that he is like me. We are both 'brackish-blooded'. Though he passes for Altmer easily, whereas I do not. He is also considerably older, though he does not seem it. Likely due to his parentage being the reverse of mine. I never thought I would meet another, at one that was not in Pyandonea treated as a bastard, tainted or 'servant' outside of Pyandonea. It was a surprising revelation. At first I did not trust it but he gave me no reason to fear him and when he asked to see my eyes, I followed him to where he was staying and showed him.

Perhaps I have needlessly complicated my life, but It felt so strangely as if we were part of the same cloth and there is a feeling that I do not quite understand associated with him. I find him both familiar, and foreign at the same time. I regret I could not stay in Valenwood longer but I fear I may enjoy his presence more than he enjoys mine. He has so much more experience and perhaps I am overthinking it all.

It all seems to fit into this awakening of self.. I have met many wonderful people of late, all of whom I care for. I suppose I have some kind of love for them but I do not know if it is Love in the traditional sense. Perhaps Eina is rubbing off on me, and I am just acting out of some response to all the.. ongoings of the Corner Club. At least some of the interests are more casual but I still feel a sense of.. depravity, that I am somehow wrong for wanting.

Even so, it's not that uncommon for..

I refuse to sully my journal with discussion of such things. Perhaps I have let my impulses get the best of me, my instincts continue to lead me astray. I just need to find out what is right for me and consider it very carefully, weigh all the pros, and cons, perhaps a scientific study is in order.

- Illia

(Pre-dating journal entries to catch up)

A copy of the following letter rests in her journal for her own sake, while the other was given discreetly to a courier in Vulkwasten a few days after the posted date. Likely held onto awhile, if ever delivered to anyone at all.

---

Dearest Fiore,

It is Sundas on the tenth of Hearthfire, I write to you not knowing when or if this will make it to you. Or if it will simply sit at the bottom of a courier's bag. Perhaps it will be torn into small bits, or cast away into the fire. I know not what your feelings are. Only that we last saw each other on a sour note, and your cousin thinks of me in venomous ways for reasons I will not try to explain. There is a large part of me that believes it all on purpose, that I have done something that was an affront to you. Perhaps too needy, too paranoid? Too unsure?

Or perhaps you have simply gone away and our paths are simply uncrossed. Either thought makes me mournful but I would understand.

I am writing in the hopes that if it is one of these reasons you will tell me such. I always thought you were forthcoming with such things, so if it is indeed the case.. I admit, my wrongful assumptions may well make me look the fool.

Such a thing is not a new occurrence for me, and it would not be the last. Either way, on the off chance this does make it to you. It may be some time before even I am where you expect of me to be. I have a powerful yearning for the sea. You reminded me that sometimes one needs to be amongst their own people and as much as I wish to believe that I am as much of Altmer stock as Maormer. We both know the blood that runs in my veins differs.

I hope to find passage, either with my friend Desasha or with another. Then return on the next voyage back. I believe the turn around is a few weeks depending on the port. But I may be inclined to stay longer if..

Well, I do not know. If I knew what I needed now, I would have no trouble saying whether or not I planned to stay. Certainty is not something I am familiar with, in my personal life.

I hope this letter does find you well and that wherever you are, you are well fed and happy. I do wish things had been better, and I miss your company. For all that may be worth.

Calm seas,

Illiatri Selethien