Tucked beneath the pages of sketches, is a letter written in Dunmeris script that was never sent.
Letter
Frostfall 4,
Wren,
Writing is not my forte. I wish very much I could just tell you what I felt but it would only confuse you. Just as it does me. I hate to lie, but the more I am with you the more I do.
It may be an old habit breaking, some remnant of the past since lying does not come with beatings now. Still I hate to do it, I hate that I can't reconcile what I feel and make it a manageable beast instead of this chaos. Do I love you? I do, on the days I do not hate you. Sometimes it isn't days, it's hours, minutes even. Sometimes I love and I hate you in all the same breath.
You know it, probably. That makes it worse. But I love you in a way that is no good for you and it certainly isn't good for me. I love you so much that I get thrown into a state where I remember nothing, but I feel the bruises and breaks later. I'd be lying if I said that evening in the Guard Hall was the first time. Usually I make it out your door, first.
It is hard knowing that you felt so poorly but had to compose yourself to come to me. I'll never be your first, I get that now. I have not earned it, or at least. I did a shit job of it. How can I expect you to run to me when I am the reason you're running and crying most of the time? To be that I would have to be strong, and steady. To be someone who didn't hurt you every day. If I could be that person, I would. Maybe I could for someone, but for you? I don't think so.
Loving you is a knife in the gut. It won't kill you for a long time, it can be twisted and turned so you feel all the small agonies repeatedly. But it won't kill you for a long time.
Pushing you away is hard. I doubt I will be able to keep it up. In fact, I know I won't. I just don't have the strength anymore. Eventually we'll bleed out. I think I get closer every day.
- Thris
SibbieAug 21, 2017
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