Discerning Lucidity

A dark, leatherbound journal lies somewhere among Kashya's personal belongings. It is rather simplistic looking, and does not hold anything other than her journal entries in the front.

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Entry One
Tirdas, 19th of Hearthfire

The amount of lost time in these past three weeks is far too expansive to culminate and spill out into a few journal entries, but I had to get away from his home, even for just a little bit. I need my isolation. I need my thinking space. I need my solace. And Amae still has my bag, with my old journal, locked away.

My leg is so damned sore. If the walk home were any longer, I wouldn't have even attempted the trek; fortunately, Seriduril's home is not very far from my own. I never expected that to be a fortunate thing. Pfeh. I'm changed, bathed, and bandaged with my own alchemical salve to help numb my wounds, but nothing about this feels pleasant. If bone was avoided, it would be a miracle, but my shoulder suggests otherwise.

I think I would do it again.

I do not wish to find myself in another debaccle such as that one, but the few moments of silent peace I endured. It was rather nice. All at once, I was awake again, with Wren prying a spear of ice from my shoulder, my own self bleeding out. At the very least, it is better than being locked in a cage forever.

I am ceasing my mannerisms of seeking out violent conflict. I have to. I have to. I am not stable; my attitude is mediocre, at best. I suppose I have a right to be flustered, at the moment, however; I do not think many people would enjoy being tackled by a naked mer. Meh. If my leg weren't so damn't blasted apart, I'd have stayed upright and kicked him in the teeth. But...right. I am attempting to be kinder. I suppose the injury is for the best, for now.

There is far too much liquor in here. I must dispose of all of it. Every golden, gilded cup and every bottle of liquor, cheap or exorbitant. I'll have naught left but my books and some old wooden mugs, but that is alright. I cannot be enticed by temptation, at the moment. I wish to settle down. I wish to...what is it, that they call it? I do not know. I would like to live more modestly. No more combat. No more damn't combat. I wish to put my hair up again, and pretend all of my scars did not exist. To go back to a time even before coming to the Valenwood, at all.

Perhaps I should speak to Ali.

Entry Two
Turdas, 21st of Hearthfire

Simple, peace, and quiet, and bright.

As long as I keep my mouth shut, my silly and short-sighted thoughts cannot breach my thinking. There are a thousand things I had wished to explode for. By simply not speaking, I have been given all the more time to listen before reaching my decision in thought. Adsomar possesses feelings for Estre; they said he was seeing her. While I do not like the petty, hypocritical little runt mer one bit, I am content to put that behind me as long as it makes Estre happy. Assuming...Estre were here. Gods, that was such a horrid piece of news to discover. Estre is gone. Wren tells me not to worry. How can I not? Surely, she will prevail. And...to see proper justice handed out to Sadri. Legal or not, this is simply immoral. If I saw him I'd fucking st I hope that Estre makes it back safely.

Wren asks if I plan on staying. I cannot leave. I cannot go back to Auridon. Renma...Lili. Mother and father. They will hold such a plethora of ill will towards me. Perhaps my only option is to leave my childhood behind. To think...that I will never leave this place. I do not know if that is good or bad. They ask if I plan on joining the Guard again. I can't. I simply cannot. Can I? No...I am attempting to find peace. I am not a political peacemaker. I was a thief, I was a hunter, I was a soldier. I am not a political peacemaker. I want to be like mother. I know she would understand, where the rest of my family could not. I wish to be bubbly, and welcoming, like her. A perfect mother.

I enjoy being alone in my home, but I simultaneously dislike it. The isolation leaves me with my thoughts, but the lack of company makes me wish I hadn't lef...perhaps I shouldn't write that, here. I just miss

I will lie down and be with my thoughts, for now. The books are burned, the liquor is disposed of, and I am seeking new prospects. For now, I will keep my home clean and welcome for visitors.

Optimism. It feels nice, to have optimism once more.

Entry Three
Fredas, 22nd of Hearthfire

I cannot leave her be. Her, and all the rest of them, are all a piece of my town that is much too dear, to me.

I have not been a good person in my past. In my youth, or my young adulthood. I will be twenty-five in a few months. Two years of my life will have been spent in this town. It is so strange. To see people come, and go. Only a few have stayed, and I feel like I should be closer to them than I am. Lucrezia. Afer, Hloriella. They all come to mind. And yet, even now, I can only focus on these new neighbors. The ones that have not been here a full year, yet. And even now, I cannot remove them from my mind. Am I willing to risk my life, and my freedom, for a group of people I hardly know?

To be kidnapped. Willingly. Just to save a group of people.

If Estre weren't among the group, my reaction might be different. I cannot bear to stand...to comprehend. What could they be doing to her? Is she rebelling? Are they torturing her? And what of the younger ones? That Cirlin mer? Gods, she's barely a child. Isn't she? She looks quite young. It doesn't matter. They are all individuals. A group of people. And I am one. I would sooner save a group of people, than just one. I need to take that into account. I cannot hesitate from my decision. I have to figure out where they are.

The Guard Hall feels hardly a haven for someone like me, tonight. And yet, here I am, stuffing my old satchel near the hammock as I used to. This is too much work. Wren says that it is worth it, in the end, to care for someone. (I do hope she is alright. She seemed rather off, tonight.) Once upon a time, I denied that claim with a heavy heart. Now, I begin to reconsider. Seriduril was the beginning. I cannot say whether it is hypocritical, or progressive, for him to transition from not wanting to touch anyone, to being so empathetic with all of the people he comes across. So...willingly touchy. I think—I know that he has feelings for that mer. It does not upset me. I fear that one day, however, I may be faced with a similar situation as I had with Seriduril, all those months ago. Still. Even with a spear in us, I did enjo

Taking my mind off of the situation at hand...it helps. I cannot take my mind off of Estre, however. Gods, I hope she is alright. If Sadri hurt her, I will fucking eviscerate not be happy and hang his fucking guts from rafters above his estate Gods, I need help.

Oh. Please, be alright.

Entry Four
Loredas, 23rd of Hearthfire

A tranquil state of mind is an ideal state of mind. By accepting a relapse and succumbing to drink, I will remain unchanged, and the same experience will perpetuate itself, over and over again.

My suspicion is correct, albeit I do not quite think that I am surprised. I...expected it, really. When an embrace is that sentimental, it is hard to deny it as just friendly. Would it be 'proving my fears?' I don't think so. Seriduril is happy. Or...at least. I hope that he is happy. It makes me a bit sad, to know that will be an opportunity lost to me in time, but it is not my place to interfere with his decisions. Not anymore.

I should stop writing about Estre. I am only worrying more, and further destroying my state of calm. While I wait to be captured, I will think about positive things. To see everyone coming home, unscathed. Right...That will be nice. Just going on living.

Wren says that I should relax. She is no good with partnerships, either. I believe that, but I also know that she is fond of placing herself in the way of people. A communicator, but not a lover? Does that sound right? Eh.

I burned all of my outlandish books, a few days ago. The last one was burnt today. I feel a very significant stressor lifted from my list of burdens. I feel more lucid, in my mind and my actions. I hope that I do not stray again, for a long time. Or...ever. I do not wish to be a burden, myself, for others in town. Especially if I cannot leave this place.

I am ashamed to have made all the mistakes I have.

Entry Five
Morndas, 25th of Hearthfire

All is well. All is happy. All is good. Or perhaps I shouldn't lie to myself.

I try to keep up my temperament. I think that it is evident, that I sometimes do falter from my cheery attitude and fall into a more pitiful state of mind. Tonight was one of those nights. We must look at the positives and the negatives. On the positives, most are back home. It was pleasant to see people reunited. It was. I am not jealous. No, no. I am happy. I am. I have to stay optimistic. I must stay optimistic.

Negatives. Amae is still there. And nobody seemed to even care. That Bosmer girl raved about how she saved the day and stabbed the Dunmer's eye out. But, it does not change the fact that Amae is not with us. And that idiot. Adsomar. Instead of just putting a knife in his throat and being done with it, he had to go on and torture the fool. Isn't he in the Fighter's Guild? I wonder if speaking to Terath about this will fix anything. Perhaps get him a stern warning. Now, the jester might remain alive. All because that bumbling moron wanted to fulfill his disgusting fetish and bathe in the Dunmer's blood. Now, we risk repeating past events. What if the jester returns? Hopefully, he will only come seeking the Altmer. Hopefully.

I am trying to stay happy. I am trying so very dearly. I don't know if I should open up about my feelings, or try to suppress it with forced enthusiasm. If I force it, I will remain happy but pose the chance of blowing up in the future. If I open up about it, I might embrace those feelings and that will not be good. Who would I even open up to? There is Wren, but she is in her own trying time. I do not want to stockpile my issues on her. Everyone else I've considered is just too busy comforting their own loved one. I don't think I need a loved one. I just want a friend, I think.

I do not know what to do...I have been crying all night. I have been praying to whatever god that anybody walks through my door and seeks to help me. I am just going to go upstairs and lie down. I only hope that I'm making a better impression on the town. I suppose.

Entry Six
Turdas, 28th of Hearthfire

It probably meant nothing. It probably meant nothing. But that doesn't mean it didn't feel absolutely wonderful.

If only for a moment, I was able to throw myself into a dark and quiet field, where I could embrace with anonymity. Perhaps that was too poetic. If I want to think about it in a negative connotation, I could consider it to be assault. But, I don't want to think of it like that. I am not falling in love with anyone. Not that I ever have—Gods preserve me. I think I needed that. I don't like that I think I needed that. But, I think that I needed that. Ah. Still. That doesn't mean I hope he sticks around. I hope he does not stick around. I do not need to be responsible for someone. He'll go his own path. Shite. For all I know, he's just looking for some sort of carnal satisfaction. Or...didn't he mention the opposite, earlier? No. He's just a thrillseeker. That's that, and it's done.

Wren spoke to me yesterday. It was a long discussion. I don't quite know how enthusiastic I am to hear about the things she was so intent on discussing with me. On another note, Amaethaera is back, but locked in a cell. There are things occurring underhandedly at the moment that I am not entirely comprehending, but I do not know enough to act on it, much less think on it. I do think that I should apologize to Seriduril, whenever I next see him. I would say that my temper has gotten the best of me once again, but for once, I am glad to say that I could have reacted much more violently to the news I had heard. I think it will make this apology much easier on myself, and perhaps him as well. If anyone, Steel is the biggest victim in all of this. However, I am not...particularly fond of him, however. I will apologize to Seriduril and be on my way. Home. Like I am now. Thinking of Auridon. And, perhaps just one more emotionless, meaningless, inconsequential kis

Stop this. Such, gross thinking. It was once. Good Gods, womer. Have you lost all control, again?

Entry Seven
Morndas, 2nd of Frostfall

When I was a young girl, Lili and I used to sit out on the docks and fantasize about the mainland of Tamriel. She didn't believe me when I told her there was an actual mainland, all the way across the sea. "It's not possible," she would say. Little did she know, I had sneaked on board one of the cargo ships my father worked on so I could find out for myself. My father caught me stealing food from the galley, but I still got to see it. The coast of Valenwood. Velyn Harbor. It was such a mysterious, new land. Full of wonder, and things waiting to be discovered. I wanted to be a treasure hunter. I wanted to be a conqueror. I wanted to discover things no man or mer had even suspected possible. I wanted to be the hero of my own story. A savior for this new land.

Twelve years later, I would become one of the best goddamn Altmeri footpads this side of the province would ever know. The exact opposite of what I wanted to be. A year after, I would drive myself to absolute madness, reading and writing Daedric commentaries. Another year in, I would find myself stuck here. In this little, cursed town. All of my aspirations, just whisked away.

I don't know if I regret coming here or not.

Thorn is safe. He is working in the tavern, now, for Lucia. I am glad to see a very dear friend returned to me, and returned to town. I do hope he discovers new friends and acquaintances. It has been so long. I fear for Thris and Wren now, however. I have very little idea of what I stumbled into last night, but I have to kick my damn self for reacting violently instead of taking a more relaxed approach. I knew it would have better results. Why the hell did I do that? Ugh. Residual reaction, I suppose. It does not help that I seem to be taking my anger out on Steel. As much as I don't trust him, I think it's hardly fair I harass him like I do. I'm supposed to be getting better, not worse. Think, idiot. Think.

I suppose I'll go see Thris at some point, tonight. Assuming he is awake. I hope his head's okay.

Entry Eight

Vulkwasten Civilians and Potential/Past Afflictions; who killed Dreuth? -

• Wren - Not Afflicted. Held a loose relationship with Dreuth. (Needs confirmation.)
  
  Disenyl - No known association with Dreuth. N/A
  
  Amaethaera - No known association with Dreuth. Lycanthropy would break Green Pact. N/A
  
  
• Seriduril - Possible Association; affliction unknown. (Needs confirmation.)
  
  Terath - Former werewolf. Impossible. N/A
  
  Thris - Former Thrall. Former vampire? Not likely but unconfirmed. Will question. No association with Dreuth. Disregard.
  
  Thorn - Tested, unafflicted. N/A
  
  
• Steel - Associated with Wren and Seriduril. Will question. Try to stay unbiased.
  
  Hloriella - Tested? I think so. No association with Dreuth, however. N/A.
  
  Afer - Fighters Guild member; trustworthy. Would likely kill himself before turning. N/A.
  
  Wraesha - Would likely sooner trick him and get herself killed; no association with Dreuth. N/A.
  
  J'Varr - Who? Likely no association with Dreuth.
  
  
• Boris - I don't remember this girl, but I think she may have had a connection with Dreuth. We didn't speak much. I will include and inquire. Potential lycanthrope.

Could be someone from outside of town. Given Wren's hesitation to answer, I do not think this is the case.

Entry Nine
10th of Frostfall

Six days since I've written in you, but it feels like an eternity.
Will I lose myself again? I do not think so. Time is not known for her charisma, however.

I have re-introduced myself to many of the Guards, but a few still remain that I need to speak to. Thris...Aeliester. Shadows, the secretary, and that mer I haven't met yet. Deneer? I think that is their name. I'll have to keep them in mind for tonight; hopefully, I can find them at some point. I hope Thris is doing well; I think he's still in the clinic, but I can't do anything unless he wakes up.

I would like to begin a new chapter in my life, less harrowed by the faults and deprivations of my cynic past. Although I have lost Wren to Seriduril—wherever she may be—I have already gained closer ties to the Guard, and think I am feeling comfortable in this position once again. One more round we go, and one more etch from chalk onto rock that I mark to signify my third chapter within the Guard. Whether this will be the last time or not, I do not know. I am sure I will not remain in this position forever, but for now, I will bask in the silence of position. To know that I have a place in my life once more will have to do, whether I will soon feel the stressors of it or not. I only hope Wren is okay.

One of the guards complained about improper training. I may work on a new routine to aid that, tonight, should I find myself away from my desk.

Entry Ten
22nd of Frostfall

When the night hits and I have to work long hours, I'll sleep in the guard hall. The most pleasant noise is listening to the rain as it batters the hut, and you have to strap the curtains extra-tight so that the wind from the rain doesn't bolster through. I'll sit in my cot for hours on end, listening, and wondering what people are doing right now, on the other end of the world. I wonder if someone's thinking about me. I wonder if someone is despising me. Or missing me. Admiring me. Loathing me. I miss people. I miss so many people. People come and go, but this little town seems to stay the same. A land that seems somehow unaffected by time, itself.

Five new guards and one promotion in six days. Two new crimes and one bounty in one night. A werewolf attack. I'm far too tired to write a report, tonight. For now, I'll sit and listen to the rain. And continue to wonder if someone else is thinking about me, right now. No worries about reports, or logs, guards, crimes, criminals, et cetera. Let's just lie here for a good, long moment, and think. Afer told me I should sleep with a dagger, due to the lycanthrope. I probably should. But just for tonight, I'm going to dim the fire and pretend the world does not exist. I'll pretend that I'm washed over by the bright lights of Skywatch, and that if I close my eyes long enough, I'll be right back at the tavern, outside, arms propped up and leaning over the fence, staring out into the sea. Just wondering what was on the mainland. Wondering if anyone's admiring or missing me.

Probably not, but it's good to be hopeful. Not that I want any sort of-
Right.

I hope a werewolf doesn't kill half the damn town, tonight.

Entry Eleven
30th of Frostfall

As the days trudge on with this job, I find less time to write any sort of literature. And I find less time to write in my journal. I couldn't deny it, though. When I'm not employed here, I feel lost. I've practically been leading the Guard for over a year. If you disregard my multiple absences. I first headed it...ah, when. In the month of Rain's Hand. Year 2E584. That'll be two years in five months or so, but you also have to account for my many absences, which makes it about a year

Gods, damn. I can't even write without thinking about the Guard anymore. I took my uniform off yesterday—for the first time in two, three weeks—and I was simply gawked at. "Who's that?"

Non-Guard things, Kashya.

Do I have non-Guard things to write about?

Well. That's unfortunate.

Entry Twelve

There are memories I wish to forget, and those that I wish to remember. When do the two begin to overlap, though? When does the line draw just a bit too far? How long has it been? Years? Over a year, I think. It will be a year. And soon, everyone will know the lies that I have spun to keep others away, and to keep her safe.

Sometimes, I think back on it and wonder if things would have been different, if I had told K'y he had a daughter. I wonder if he would have come to his senses. I wonder if he would've only tried to train her to be a damned assassin. I know he would have tried. I couldn't risk that. I could not risk my girl becoming a goddamn murderer. Not like her father. Not like her mother. In a world where I hate everyone, family is a gleaming exception. People like to claim they are my friend. They do not know what lies underneath my exterior, however. I am a multitude of bad decisions, harrowing experiences, murder, burglary, deceit, and lies. Finely woven under someone who just seems to want to complete their job. And now, I'll have to worry about Lilin again.

I visit her often. Father will take me out to visit and I'll get to interact with her. Milanah says her first word was "Summer." Close enough to Summerset, I suppose. And now I have to bring this innocent soul back to Vulkwasten. I dared not even write about her in my journal. Just like I don't write about my experiences with the Dominion Army. Tales best left to me. And me alone.

Her birthday was a couple months ago. I wish K'y could have seen her grow. Maybe he is. In whatever Void he lies in.
I wonder if Lilin will ever discover that I was forced to put her father down when he turned feral.

I will not let anyone hurt my Lilin.

Entry Thirteen
26th of Sun's Dusk

I like the glow that the fire emanates in the Guard Hall, at night. When the sun isn't shining, but you can still see the stars if you look out the curtain and through the overhead canopy. And the torches, they give off warm, orange hues through town. And I peek my head back inside the hall, and there's Lilin. Babbling and walking, picking up various assortments of items as she tries to form words. "Mamwah," she calls me. Or, tries to. She picks up a bowl from the shelf, near the fire. "Buh." She's getting there, at least. I can't help but laugh. If I don't think about past events, Vulkwasten doesn't seem as cursed as I insist it is. No heads on pikes, no Daedra running through the streets. Just a lazy, sleepy town with an eager, little girl. My Lilin. Named after my own sister, but she looks like a perfect painter's mix between K'y and myself. How I could ever let the world taint her innocence, I'll know not. I only hope she far surpasses my own deeds.

The cot, at night. Gods, it's humid. The fire helps the humidity, but not the heat. I suppose I'm used to it, but two years doesn't make me any less bitter. I still get pangs to leave. To pack my things and run away. Lilin can keep her innocence in Skywatch. But I cannot do such a thing. It hurts me, to know that she will one day experience the trauma that is Nirn, and all of the bloodshed and deceit it holds.

For now, though, you are but a small child, eager to perceive the world around you. Please stay that way, Lilin. For just a moment longer.