Songs Unsung - Silence's Scrivening

- Silence

Hearthfire 19,


The tiredness within me is unusual. Perhaps it is the blood loss but I suspect it has more to do with the emotional transference I am susceptible to. Being around all these other mer is proving to be overwhelming at times. Yet I find myself drawn to it. As a moth to the flame. Or a bat to the night.

He is the flame, he is also the night. My night sky. It pains me some to think he did not realize that my affection was not more than a dalliance. I have much to give. I feel so very much-

The writing trails off and the page is stained with tears

-----

My Night found me upon the wall and I found myself cutting hair. Cutting away the old, the burnt and helping him rise from the cinders. At the time I did not realize but now it feels almost prophetic. A deep fire arose in me and we burned. I gave a gift of myself, but also so much more.

I did not know and if not for their treatment of him. I would feel only elation. I do wish I could take his pain. All of it. It breaks my heart that he suffers so. Even if I know he will not suffer as I had. Alone in the dark.

It is meant to be and I shall wrap him in my wings and keep him safe. We know our hearts and I believe that is what is most important. We live now and I never thought I would not fly alone.

Hunting together was an experience I never dreamed of. I wonder if the wolf would join us. Or the feathered one.

I shall have to work on capturing that hawk, for the bird I found in the cage. Her fury hurts my ears, but perhaps she will understand then that not all challenges are curses. It is a blessing and I pray he sees it as such.

I believe he does, if he does not...I do not know if I can bear such suffering.

- Silence

Hearthfire 26,

It has been days since I have found the time to free my thoughts and pen them. It would be foolish of me to think I can do justice to all that has transpired these last few days. Especially when I am so profoundly damaged. It is rare that I find myself unable to come to terms with my thoughts and myself. I pride myself on being content with what I am or I suppose, who I am. But this, this change is hard to accept.

I wish to believe he will be successful, but I cannot hold confidence in anything now. The damage is profound and invisible. How could they know? The rarity of someone with a talent for mind healing is so great, that most do not even know they exist.

Spoilers & Trigger Warning

Recklessness is what brought me to this place of desolation. This emptiness inside me. It is as if all the people in Nirn were warm lights that have suddenly gone out and the resulting darkness is suffocating. I believed I could withstand their pain, that I could save them from their emotional trauma. That I was strong enough to endure the profound agony of one who was defiled and bound to the one who harmed her. I believed too, that the aggressor would not be too much for me to bear. That if I could save him, I could save us all. I failed.

He walked away and so did we, albeit many irreparably injured. If not in body, in mind and spirit. Somewhere he is, alone and broken. Is such a person irredeemable? Too far gone? I felt that void. Yet I find myself agonizing over his pain. Where is he? Where did he go?

And it was not the only void I felt. There is no doubt the toll upon me was great enough to bring me to this point even before I touched his shoulder. Now, I feel the cold. I am the Broken One.. I neither feel nor can be felt. Not the way I was meant to be as I was made.. Yet, how could I have known? Was I broken already? When I touched his shoulder? I was desperate for peace.

Desperate not to feel as though I myself was...

I must find the feelings again. I am unsure of this path. I believed so unquestioningly that I was meant to be there. That I was meant to be by his side, and that we were meant to be with her. That we were meant to go on this hunt and free her. But how can it be so, if I am no longer worthy of my gifts? If I am not capable of providing what is needed? I can only trust in the memory and the words he speaks, to know that love is genuine. As I no longer feel it.

I no longer feel the adoration when we kiss, I no longer feel the brooding rage beneath the surface of the conflicted. I no longer feel her attempts at soothing me, when she needs so desperately to be soothed herself.. How am I to go on? When all I feel is myself?

I am haunted by the shadow of my feelings. The ones I have pushed down deep into myself, the ones I feel creeping through the cracks. They cannot surface. They must not.

- Silence

Frostfall 10,

It seems a habit is forming of days passing when I have not the chance or mental state to write. My Night Sky was able to help me heal from what the Child Within did to me. Though I should not truly blame only He, it was my fault for being so drawn into the unrest of others' souls. For touching them all so intimately and then seeking solace in his comfortable sleep, only to learn it was far from that.

Such is the case again, though I was fortunately able to avoid it more this time. The Womer in the Shadows is so deeply troubled. It is difficult when helping is also hurting. These are the times I wish my voice did not belong to someone else. She needs more than I could give in a brief embrace and if I had been able to speak, perhaps more could have been done. Though I have known it also to be true, that my silence has its many blessings, after singing for my Night Sky I.. miss it more than I care to admit. It is challenging to sing in anothers' mind, but to be able to provoke him with song, is something I miss. He is the only one I could.

It is more intoxicating than any drug I've ever taken and now, I only have the faint shadow of such power.. A good thing, as I did not use it wisely before. There are moments I fear that insidious urge rises within me and the shame is overwhelming- Ah, I have rambled.

There is a place we have gone that I feel is no less dangerous than the last, though at least there is no need to hide ourselves. It is especially important, after all that has transpired. Those who are emerging from their changes, as moths out of their chrysalis need safe haven. We are as we were intended to be, though I mourn the loss of the Gift in the Loud One. It is not meant for everyone. Perhaps Hircine decided he was not worthy of it? It's not my place to question that, I know many do not see it as I do. I wish I had the chance to speak to him before, to see if I could guide him back to the Hunt.

If I could only help them to, I would. But I only have so much that I can give, only so much that I myself can take, though I am more aware of where that line is now. Now that I have breached it once.

Still, I find myself agonizing over what I can do for them all. It is never enough, and I have my priorities. He will always come first. Yet, I believe I shall try to help her if I can. Especially knowing what I know now. I know how she feels and I cannot in earnest, say she does not have a right to feel those feelings. It was not his intention but fear as a tool is rarely ever precise. The young one too, she is not as fragile perhaps. But such a transition can make one susceptible to pain in ways they did not know existed. Much as I wished to help her heal from what was done, there was naught I could do but console and there was someone else who needed me more.

It is both my blessing and my curse, to know their vulnerabilities so intimately. Sometimes I wonder if they are even aware. Or if they just think of me as that silent guardian, clutched desperately to my Night Sky. He keeps me grounded, among so many broken. His internal flow, and calm is everything. I must be careful not to abuse it and to keep others from doing the same. Such a Treasure is rare, and so very fragile.

I fear for him more than I ever could myself.

- Silence

Frostfall 11,

I panicked and did something I should not have done. I had forgotten what that feels like and while the sensations were so brief, so much released that I felt relieved. Only for it all to be snuffed away like a flame no longer desired. It hurt, but not so nearly as much as the way he forced his will on mine. The others call it a charm and that is a much nicer phrase than the actuality. They don't know I know precisely what he did because I have done it, If it had been on another I might have been able to undo it. It's a familiar feeling, similar to suffocation before it becomes dangerous. Before you pass out.

I want to hate him for it but I can't. He didn't know what he was doing and he is the real victim, if I-

There are so many things I don't do anymore. So many things I have walked away from. So many things that my Voice took with it. When I flew away, I remembered all those changes, all those phases of myself I left behind. Like a shed skin, I know my reflection doesn't look the same. My Treasure only knows this one, and a shadow of that past. He knows my Voice held power, but not that I misused it.

They are all changing and I stay, as much the same while watching them emerge. It is a challenge, and I am not fairing well at it. Not with the way their emotions fly, and the lack of control infects me. It's all too easy for me to submit fully to that part of myself. Easier, even, than I submitted to him.

And he barely had to ask. I know why, but they do not. My Treasure does not. I'm afraid to say it, afraid he will lose that fight and give into what he is and misuse that power and I know that we would not be able to fight it. I can only pray he doesn't fall.

But if he did, I would not blame him. I am not any better.

- Silence

This entry starts with a badly written scrawl, unlike the flourishing script in the pages that precede it.

FROST ONLY SIX

PAIN ALL IS THERE CANNOT HEART FALLING DOWN
WHERE IT begins it ENDS HE IS THERE
DESERVE ALL THE flowers THORNS must let go
TO HAVE A VOICE HEARD PAIN CANNOT BE
SOUNDS LIKE WHISPERS AND SONGS JUST GO
ON AND ON.

CARE HEALTH

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