A former captain's contemplations: Lola's journal [Language/Spoilers/Maybe NSFW]

A stolen book with the first few pages ripped out sits in a driftwood shelter on the beach. Its contents are written in Dunmeris. The charcoal is a little smudged, but ledgible. On the first page, there's a tide chart.

At the start of yesterday I had two shirts, a staff, and some leftover coin in my pocket. It was the best-off I'd been since I had the Fetcher. I've since lost all of that save the smaller of the tops, my pants have holes in them, and one of my boot's laces have burnt away. The twine I'm using in its place looks dumb, but does the job. Useful things aren't washing up as frequently as they used to any more.

Not only have I lost my prized possession, but now my tattoo is fucked up as well. The burnt shirt keeps coming back to me. I throw it farther and farther out, knowing the ocean will only hand the token of my defeat back. Fuck you, ocean.

I didn't mean that. You're the only thing I've wanted to commit to since Trelyn. I will get my ship back and you'll be the one to end me. I will not truly drown myself in rum. I will try to stop acting crazy. Except for talking to the ocean. I've accepted that I'm at least that mad.

Spoiler

The serpent I envisioned will be of the water, not of fire. It will be a glorious battle. I will not die feeling like a helpless little girl with some metal-clad mer and a cat trying to save me.

The pockets of drunk beach-goers and proceeds from fishing are not sufficient to get me back on the water. My spear is done for and I can't even make a net out of vines. I've seen what those wooden women do. I'm going to need a job.

I thought it'd be harder to get a job. I'm a bartender, for now. I get to be the boss if nobody else is around.

There's a furry little mage who can turn his arms invisible here. He's five or something. I hope I don't get in trouble for serving him rum. I'm pretty sure the masked guy had some strong shit in that beak of his. The other kid looked like he had a head wound the booze was spilling out of and I think I saw him fly. He kept talking about stuff that happens in the future. Should have asked him if I ever get to go home, wherever that is now. All my trips are bad. That's why I don't get high on purpose.

Good night, ocean. Sorry if I puke in you later. Mask guy's fault.

I only caught the last five minutes of the mage's workshop. Apparently they were giving free staves away? Should have come earlier. Mine's nothing but ash and a speartip that keeps melting and re-forming. Might be a rock now; I threw it in the ocean and I don't know how long the enchantments will last. It wasn't as good as I thought, given all it took was one real battle for it to fall apart.

The kid was there in a huge tent of a robe. Boss was there too (Lucia, or at least I think that's how you'd spell it), and a few others. A couple of humans, a couple of betmer, an altmer. I've been here too long to know so few people. Bartending will help I'm sure. At least, when these frightened little pansies start going out to drink again.

I'm starting to form attachments. Fuck.

I suppose he's off telling the other half of the town now. Fucking Nammu.

The rest didn't really go that well either. It sounded fun, but I still barely know anybody and we made that poor lizard girl cry. I also got 'roasted' a little despite not volunteering for it. His fault. I suppose it might have been more fun if I'd bought a drink or five, but I must make the rest last if I'm to find something to get that mer high next I see him. Maybe I ought to just poison him and take his money.

I hate this outfit. It's uncomfortable and difficult to put on and take off. It better get me some damn good tips.

Thought I'd be angry at him longer than this. That mer is too sweet. I also had the chance to apologize to the lizard girl, Shari. Seems forgiveness is a theme for today.

I genuinely like bartending. It isn't smuggling, but it's something. You get to see some fun little scenes play out once in a while and making small talk is just another part of the job. However, I let myself get distracted from it. The mage's guild is just a tad more exciting than chattering with the locals. There was some madness going on in Belkarth. Mages were hallucinating not long after their chapter held a party held at the local inn.

Belkarth itself is gorgeous. It's hot, sandy, and the houses, while a little plain in shape, all have cute matching doorframes. But that's beside the point. I got drunk as fuck off of one sip of what must have been enchanted wine and can't remember much of what happened. There's this human, Viottia...something about her nags at my mind now, even through the hangover. I feel like something brought us close?

I really hope I didn't kiss her.

There was also purple light. Something about healing with blades? Empresses...a promise not to talk about them? I only recall bits and pieces. Whatever the specific secret was, I suppose it doesn't matter now.

Lucia told me what happened in Belkarth. I guess if I conquer Tamriel, I take out Viottia first. Except I won't. The only part that appeals to me of late is lazing around on a chaise lounge and having topless mer feed me grapes. There are places to skip right to that if you can find the money. I'll find my niche. For now, I like what I do, even if I'm only scraping by. I miss sleeping by the ocean. Perhaps whenever the Dominion's naval forces show some backbone.

The Imperial with the monkey is a regular. That monkey is adorable. I don't even mind cleaning up all the thrown grapes. The Dunmer with the belly shirt, too. She doesn't seem that popular, but I like her anyway. I can't recall their names. Can't just pick an insult like I did with my crew, either. Will work on that.

I'm getting sick of looking at these scars. I miss my poor, beheaded serpent, too. I'll look into illusion spells in the morning. Alteration seems more useful, but I'll try both schools and see what takes. It won't hurt to read up on the theory of both.

Vampires and werewolves roam our woods in droves, apparently, but I have yet to see one in my travels between here and the river. I don't doubt the werewolves, but they turn into beasts, and beasts avoid the roads during the day from what I've seen. I think the Steward is simply paranoid. I already can't swim in the ocean right now - I need the river. I get anxious when I can't swim.

The Magister is a fan of alteration. I still want to try the spell to hide my burns, though. I just want to forget about that zombie snake. Maybe I should get an animal trained to defend me? First I need a better-paying gig. That underwater treasure hunting she mentioned sounds fun.

For tonight, I'm just going to try that illusion.

Why did I bother stepping through that portal? I had far more than I did washing up here. Some coin, decent clothing, and my drive to succeed. It's not much, but I managed to claw my way up from less here. I suppose it's that part of me wants the maormer dead more than it wants to be surrounded by attractive altmer.

There will be other portals.

That festival's host is unsettling to say the least. At least I came out of this with a few bottles of good, strong drink.

Our good friend, Ash, is a little richer tonight. Carrying a little wax around is a solid idea. Works as well as oil for those squeaky hinges. We'll be taking a couple of trips in the near future.

Ash took a little visit to the desert. Her nights are getting interesting.

Mine, meanwhile, are the same as ever. Prayer is starting to feel more natural. The scent of incense is comforting. I managed to read every word of those damn lessons, but I still don't get parts of it. I flipped to a random one, trying to really think about it, and got stuck on picturing what a solid sound is supposed to be. Give me concise prose over this nonsense any day.

I suppose Llevis or Nammu could tell me what it means, but do I want to ask? It feels so personal. Besides, Nammu's likely not thinking straight right now. I know I wasn't when I lost Trelyn. I wonder what it would have been like if I'd turned back, but there's hardly a point to thinking like that. I can't change anything. Lucia might have had some insight, too, but I've not seen her in a while. I wonder who's paying me this week.

Who else? The old Steward guy left - it's the head collection human now. Fitting. I suppose I could find out who used to be a slave, but it's probably all moon or tree worship with them, anyway. Maybe a quiet trip home? Feign crippling shyness or something to deflect questions, then just listen in at the temple...I won't do it if I overthink it. I'll just save my gold and go some time.

I solved a murder.

That looks weird on paper. Seems I helped that pretentious breton woman by doing it, but otherwise I'm feeling pretty good right now. This calls for sujamma.

Ash has been watching this place in the Green. There are Bosmer there. Squatters, I think. We have every right to boot them out; Ash owns the deed. But do they know she stole it?

I'm going to look into trading it for a place back home.

Well, the Green has thrown a hammer in my plans to laze around on the beach for a few days by deciding to turn grey and sickly. For some reason I followed the people of Vulkwasten to Cormount. It's even wilder here, with constant hisses, chirps, and chatters to the point where I can barely hear myself think. The air is more muggy and I nearly lost a sandal in the mud.

I miss Morrowind. The Mage's Guild's expedition to the volcano only made me feel more homesick. I should have stayed behind again. It's not like picking my way across a barren field of ash and lava floes is unfamiliar territory, and I've never been to Ebonheart before. Even my little driftwood hut near Vulkwasten would have been nicer than this, but I'm here now. At least Nammu will be by from time to time.

The Mage's Guild is proving interesting. I suppose they're another part of what keeps me here; I have some semblance of a tribe in them, albeit my ties are more loose with these people. The Magister is growing on me some. I learned how to make a spell scroll today. One bosmer had an interesting idea about how to put such magic to use; I'll have to remember it. I'm certain Ash will want to use it later.

It occurred to me that this is the first party I've been invited to in a few years.

I need more friends.

I'm not going to stop seeing Nammu for his sake, but I still feel bad about Al. Hate is such a strong word, and he hates me. I should have expected that, I suppose. I've never been the jealous type; sometimes I forget that most people are.

I'm not sure what it was about the brandy, but I felt like I was in love for a while there - the man I took to the party looked ten times as attractive and I wanted to sweep him away. The feeling has passed, but I miss it now. Foolish of me; it only ever ends in pain.

Her name is the Khes




It's cold here

-Reflect
-Cure poison
-Gel-like not-quite-ward of magicka; won't stop full blow
-Fortify; still limited to one's own body's abilities

I don't trust Ky. But I'll still take a look at his metalwork at some point. He's right about the banding; this ship needs a hell of a lot of work.

Now I need to see how many of my old connections are still around.

I came back to continue my work with the Mage's Guild. I could go to any chapter, but this lot has grown on me. It was a good day; I saw a ghost. He was insufferable, but it was still fascinating. I didn't know Ayleid spirits are so interested in Dunmeri tales. I suppose I'd want to keep as diverse a library as I could, too, if I had eternity to read it all.

Ky mentioned a few things about portals. It all sounds rather complicated, but I'll admit, I'm intrigued and wish to try making one of my own. You need both hands, you need to draw runes. I still remember that one fellow I saw in Abah's who opened one and never came back out, but, how often does that happen, really?

Apparently Estre thought Llevis and I are dating. I can't say I mind. Was he hinting or just saying it, though? I suppose the best way about it is to just ask. Maybe I'll show him the Khes some time.

Is this my handwriting? This looks like my handwriting. That means this stuff is mine, too. It was very close to men's clothing, so, maybe some of it is his, I don't know. I hope I didn't take his gold. I don't know who anyone mentioned here is. This Ash could probably tell me, but I've already gone to the cat-land. I bet I ate some moon sugar and that's why this is happening. It doesn't explain why I'm outside of the Ashlands in the first place, though. I'm going to keep going north until I find home.

To do:

Figure that one ledger out
Stop doing the books drunk
Make a staff
-Material (bone? wood? keep the spear; fire-hardened? Tipped?)
-Crafter (can't be too hard to just make one)
-Cost (can spare 80? Maybe 100 for something special)
Try to remember who all owes me favors
Assist someone with magic; get them to sign off on my having completed this task
Convince Ama Ame how the fuck do you spell it the Magister that I deserve to advance
Find some excuse to visit Alinor and see the griffins. Llevis would love that, too.
Ask someone about communicating with the spirits (Nyr? Lucia? Someone in Vvardenfell?)

I've let this list get too long. I need a drink.


A few vague sketches of spears with snake designs litter the bottom of the page. They're all scribbled out.

Shit, I still need to do most of the things on that list.

I hate my left-handed writing. I hate being unable to talk. I honestly didn't think I was all that talkative.

It's not like I really know what to say to Al, anyway. I'll have to add 'get a straight answer out of Nammu' to the list, I suppose. If he wants to end up in the doghouse for me, that's his business. I'll miss him if

Another one for the list: Stop drinking every single alcoholic beverage I'm offered.

((Lola is in the Mage's Guild Hall in Cormount; I consent to anyone finding and snooping through her journal if they're ICly around that night.))

So, my ship is not to leave Velyn until the Dominion s'wits are finished their investigation and there may or may not be assassins after my loved one. Fantastic.

This company needs work; were these people asking for work on my ship I would only hire Afer, the big cat, and maybe the big Altmer. Granted, I'm mainly leaving Estre out because I'm unsure where we stand on a personal level; I've known few Altmer to let go of little perceived slights.

Seems payment is dependent on a job done right in the company. I can't blame Afer for that one. I still can't think of a way I could have handled the archer better save seeing into the future and having the foresight to bring a bow, but even then, I was never great at shooting arrows. Lightning is more my style.

Notes to self: - Practice sparring
-Maybe run through some hypotheticals if I can think of them
-Keep an eye for Pretty Boy skulking about
-Let Nammu know about the bodies

A very technical-looking drawing of the cliff fills the bottom of the page, x's marking one spot at the top and two at the bottom. Six red x's also mark the bottom of the cliff.

I lived out the vision of my death, but this time it was with Afer and his lot, and I survived it.

It's mad to believe that a mushroom-addled hallucination would come true. Some part of me knows that. Still, it made me realize that I'm not quite ready to go. I need to talk to someone about this.

I shouldn't have brought him, but what else could I do? He wouldn't have accepted charity, and that poor, sweet boy may grow up without a mother if his wife (not really his wife, but they're a family) kicks the bucket.

The shark tastes good, at least. I forgot how surprisingly tender the meat is. A little mild, but that's nothing the right spices or a marinade can't fix. I should've kept the eels, too. Thank all the gods no slaughterfish came.

We spoke of gods and our pasts a little while I stitched him up, and it made me think of home. I've let go of so much from the Ashlands. My heart aches to think about it, but what's the point of holding on? I can never go back. I think some part of me has accepted that this is my tribe now. I follow them, I take care of them, I feel less out of place now.

Need to get to Marbruk soon. Ash needs something done A.S.A.P.