Tal'rielle's Journal

The small journal is bound and covered with old, soft leather, but the pages inside are new and crisp.

This entry begins after two blank pages. It was written with a shaky hand, but still delicate and graceful.

Hearthfire 30
Running… Running… Running… Afraid. Must escape. Run! Not safe… They’re here! Can’t run… Screams…

I woke to my own screams again, as I do most every night now. Even though Sadri and the grief he caused trying to trade some of the others is over, my nightmares persist. My memories haunt me, follow me into the sunlight. Ter offered to allow me to continue staying with him even though the danger of capture is over, though I am certain I wasn’t ever in any danger of that anyway. I never really gave him a definitive answer, but I still often stay. When I do, I end up sneaking just outside most nights, if I am blessed (or cursed?) to sleep a bit more out there, or just listen.

The sound of this place comforts me more than anything right now, I think. Even the scary sounds. Sometimes he follows me right up to where I am, and we sit for long stretches without speaking. Other times I am sure he’s out there, or maybe Sun, quietly watching over me. Just in case. I am afraid to let Ter see me in so much pain, and fear.

I am more afraid of myself, my memories, and… him. The one who took my life from me for so many years. I can’t even write his name- or think it- as if just a thought will summon him here and I will no longer be myself… again. Coming here was supposed to let me live, let me be whoever I am, but I still feel trapped…

This page is written much more elegantly, in less distressed state than the previous entry.

Frostfall 11

I finally broke down to Ter and told him a good portion of my past, how locked up I feel right now, how I almost feel like I’m back… there. I wanted to try and help the others who were left behind who didn’t escape when I had, but I wasn’t sure if I could stomach going back to the Rift.

We decided we would investigate together. I probably wouldn’t have managed to get away on my own anyway, so we packed light and headed to Riften. I had to borrow a hideous wig to disguise myself, but we tried to find out any information on /his/… “group”… or current whereabouts. Surprisingly, we were essentially stonewalled. Each time his name was brought up, anyone we spoke to instantly became indifferent to us and offered us no further assistance on anything. I’d like to think that I haven’t lost my ability to navigate the information system in that place, but I even attempted to bring up my own name up once- when I was out of Ter’s earshot. I became so nervous from the lingering look I received that I dared not try it again.

Returning to Vulkwasten I feel a bit disheartened, but we attended the Rose Garden last night hoping to find someone with information. I thought perhaps we would again be unsuccessful, but an unlikely source in the form of Amaethaera gave a possible lead. Although difficult and painful, she suggested we ask a khajiit whom I do not know as well as Estre.

I hate to bring this subject to them so soon, and it's hard for me too. There are still others that I haven't forgotten, and I need to find out where.

Frostfall 16

I’ve done it. It’s over.
My father is dead,
And I… I killed him.

He, who sold me into slavery and killed my mother for daring to defy him all those years ago.
He was with Lux, too. The one who controlled my life, my every move before I came to this new place. Hah, I killed him too.
Should I feel more remorse? I’ve certainly killed before, out of obligation or fear for my own life, but still… I have no more thoughts about killing these two than if I had squashed a small beetle.

It wasn’t because they would have killed me, I wanted to kill them. They ruined my life, ruined countless other lives, and stole my mother’s life. They deserved it. The dagger I threw into Lux’s throat, the sword I heaved through Mathvin’s gut. Curse them to oblivion. I hope the Daedra feast on their souls. It's the least they deserve.

We found their little scummy slave ring camp in the Rift, and they were all poisoned. All except the other two. I suppose the truly depraved just can’t help themselves and insist on stealing and forcing others to bend to their will.
No longer.

My father is dead, and I killed him.

The Lady guide my mother to eternal peace.

Frostfall 19

I had decided after the events and danger I was exposed to until this point that I should be trained with the fighter’s guild, if not a full member. I have hardly any means to defend myself, and to be blunt, Terath’s life is never dull to say the least.

I accompanied the fighter’s guild as a prospective applicant last night, and I am absolutely shaken at this point. We have been instructed to stay near town again.

The whispers have me doubting, saying I murdered my father… Which is complete guar shite. Ter was there, and I know what kind of mers both of those dung-sucking grass-eaters were!

I have found that I am in dire need of formal training, starting at first light, it seems. I think that hour comes much too soon… At least the nightmares have stopped, for now.
How will I know the whispers to be my own mind, or from someone - or something - else?