KashyaApr 22, 2018Apr 22, 2018 at 04:27 PM
#1
Hey! This is a short narrative that takes place around a decade or two following the events of Cormount. While there might be a spoiler or two regarding Kashya's life, it's probably nothing that she wouldn't discuss in town, or anything that people don't already know.
It's difficult to believe. To believe that, over a decade ago, she was just a bright, young girl with a head on her shoulders the size of Alinor. It's hard to believe that we actually went there, last month. We've had a lot of free time lately, it seems. The woods are nice, as well. Each tree, tall as a mountain and wide as her voice. The adolescent young lady that stands next to me, arrow drawn, is nothing that I expected her to be when I raised her in Cormount, all those years ago. It's almost funny. She's my best friend. And here she—
"Mother! Mother, are you even paying attention? Come on!"
I turn my head and look at the silver haired Altmer standing next to me, her dark blue leather coat tucked tightly around her figure. That was mine, so long ago, but she's already big enough to wear it. She won't be as tall as me, I don't think, and the coat's just a tad big on her. But, it'll do. It doesn't take long for her to spring up and dart for the rabbit she'd just killed. The bow she was using wasn't all that glamorous—just some hickory piece of work with iron-tipped arrows—but it's more than enough to kill small game. We both jog for the kill, and she holds it up with a look of pride and accomplishment.
"I told you I could do it, Mother! And you didn't believe me. A wager's a wager!" She flaunts the rabbit around, strutting from one side to the next as she holds the kill up. I have to suppress a laugh before I finally pick up the time to respond to her. "Yes, Lilin. A wager's a wager." I pull out a small purse and hand her the reward she'd earned: Ten whole Drakes. She pockets the coin and grins.
The way home isn't too far. Once we're out of the thicker woods, it's a pretty straight shot to home. Underneath a blue sky, green grass, and fair winds, the weather is rightly perfect. It wasn't but eight years ago that I—
"Mother!"
What? Oh. She's talking to me.
"Yes, Lilin?"
"What are you thinking about, Mother? You've been quiet."
I stop and try to find the right words to choose for this situation. Home is still another fifteen minutes away, but I've been far too quiet. Moreso than usual, anyhow. Ever since she'd gotten into one of my journals from twenty years back, I've been hesitant to talk to her. I don't want to answer any of the questions she may have read, but I will have to answer them, eventually. I think that now will be that day.
"Oh. Nothing, Lilin. I've just been thinking."
"Well, think out loud! And. Maybe tell me a story about you. Or something! How come I don't know anything about your personal life, Mother? You hide it! You hide it from me, and from everyone else I speak to! I saw what's in your journals, though! There's more to—"
"Lilin!" My call is enough to scare some of the squirrels in the area. Hah. I haven't lost it. "This...this is not the time."
"When will be the time, mother? Tomorrow? Years?"
I stop on the road and breath out a sigh. That doesn't stop Lilin from staring at me in eager anticipation, though, so I close my eyes, and I pray. I pray to whatever Khajiiti or Altmeri god I can, that whatever story she asks me to tell her won't be difficult. Finally, I answer her summons. "Okay...fine, Lilin. What story would you like to hear about?"
Lilin stops dead in her tracks, though, and begins to stutter in her words. Those bright, orange eyes look back at me, full of curiosity and wonder, and I fear that whatever she is about to ask is something that I will destroy her innocence through answering. After this dreadful pause, she finally finds the courage to ask me her question.
"In one of your journals, it said you killed a person. Why did you do that?"
My heart stopped. Which one? I was about to ask her that, but I couldn't. I couldn't answer with that question. Then, she'd know I killed more than just one person, in my youth. She had to ask such a difficult question. I was on the verge of answering, when she tossed in an additional question.
"I heard you were a werewolf."
Son of a bitch.
My jaw is open, my eyes are narrow, and I'm stuttering like a drunken fool. It's got to be a solid thirty seconds before I really find the words to answer. The answer isn't what I was expecting, though.
"Lilin, sit down."
Lilin sits.
...What now, damnit?
I start slow with the explanations. It was a long time ago, young people do stupid things, it's a burden on my conscience that I must endure forever, and so on. I conveniently avoid the topic of lycanthropy as we explain why killing others is bad, unless they mean you lethal harm. After I finish my discussion on the murders, though, Lilin looks at me with wide eyes and a thoughtful expression.
"Well. It was kind of stupid to do that, but we have to forgive people. Right?" Lilin's thoughtfulness, and her acceptance, seems to know no bounds. I hope that means I raised her right.
"Yes. You must always have room in your heart to forgive those, Lilin." I pause and try to find the right parenting words to say. "You must also have room in your heart to accurately judge the enemy, however."
"Does that make you an enemy?"
"No."
"Oh. Well, what does it make you?"
"It makes me your mother."
We stand in silence for a long time before Lilin finds the courage to speak up, first.
"Mother, I don't like the afflicted. You told me to stay away from them. But, in your journal, you hung out with lots of vampires, and werewolves!"
"Lilin, I already told you, Thelin and those others...I didn't hang out with them. I just tried to make sure they didn't get killed."
Lilin gawks at me. "But, Mother. They're killers! You told me, you said so yourself! Why help them?"
I choke on my spit and freeze up. Everything I taught Lilin, since she was a girl. It's all turning on a head. All because I left a stupid journal out. A stupid journal. A stupid, fucking journal.
"Lilin, I had—I felt like I had no choice. But, there's always a choice. As a child, I didn't realize that. I didn't know I had a choice, when I was twenty years old. I didn't know I had a choice when I was twenty-three. They're just stupid...stupid decisions, we make, as children. And, we have to live with those consequences."
Lilin grunts and grumbles at that, seemingly not convinced. "Mother, you could have killed him and saved so many people! You could have killed all of them and—"
"No. I couldn't have. You think I didn't try, Lili'? You think it didn't run across my mind? I put so many vampire heads on spikes when I led that goddamn town, it's silly. But, no. I couldn't fix this one."
Lilin stares at me with a look of judgment and disappointment.
I've been stabbed, burned, slashed, slit, and shot. It hurts like a son of a bitch, and it was all caused by me being stupid.
But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have hurt like Lilin's pure disappointment in her eyes as she stared at me, just a few feet away.
"Lilin." I start, pause, and try again. "Lilin. You don't need to do what I did. I made these mistakes because I ran away from home. I wouldn't let your Grandfather and Grandmother tell me what to do. I wanted to experience it all for myself." I can't do anything but shrug and look around, a small gust picking up in the forest around us. "And this, this is where it led me. You can do better than this, darling. I've always wanted more for you."
She looks at me. Whether it was a second, or an eternity, I cannot say. All I do know is that those eyes held a death-grip on my heart for a century. I held my breath, and held it. And held it.
"Okay, Mother." She gives me that trademark, reassuring smile and starts for home. I quietly exhale all of my doubts and anxiety, and follow close behind.
It is quiet for most of the trip home. That is, until Lilin cuts the silence with a quick "I have to ask you something, again."
"What, Lilin?"
"We never talked about you being afflicted."
I thought that topic had been buried. Damnit. It takes me a moment before I find the time to actually speak up.
"Well...what do you think about it, Lilin?"
"Are you still cursed? You're not going to eat me, are you? Do I have to kill you? Mother, please don't make me do that, I don't think I could. No, I absolutely couldn't!"
"I'm—stop, stop, stop! I'm not afflicted. Not anymore."
"How did you get cured?"
I fell silent. That was such a tender subject. Poor Minjua.
"I'd ruther not talk about it," I tell her.
"Why not?"
"Because I did things that I am not proud of."
"Well...we all do that!"
I stare at her for a moment. "And you do things that you're not proud of?"
I think I finally caught Lilin, that time. She grits her teeth in a nervous display and looks forward, in the direction we were walking.
"Lilin?"
"Yes! Well, sort of. I may have attacked a bandit."
My eyes went wide and my breath halted in my chest. "Lilin, what?"
Lilin panicked and splayed her arms this way and that. "Mother, it's not what you think! I didn't go out hunting for one! And I didn't kill him! I don't think. He was robbing some poor Bosmer! I had to help him, Mother! You said it yourself, always help others! Put them first! So, I did. I pulled out my dagger, and I just started swinging!"
"Lilin, he could have killed you!"
"That was a chance worth taking, Mother!"
When Lilin was first born, I told myself that I would raise her differently. As a child, I was always pragmatic, and wild. I proceeded to every situation without caution, and ended up with more stab wounds in me than a card hustler in a botched game. I told myself, I would raise Lilin to believe in good. That, people were good. To stand up for what's right, and not be muddled by precarious and terrible things. Like lycanthropy. Insanity. Senseless murder. Attributes that I clung to, in my youth. How am I not dead?
Unfortunately, I also expected Lilin to be a homebody. A profession in which she couldn't get hurt. A librarian. A mage in Skywatch. A linguist. Something that wasn't this. But, she wasn't. She had my blood. She may have believed in good, but she also took it a step further than I would have liked. Attacking bandits. God, damnit.
"Mother? Mother! Are you even listening to me?"
I stop and stare at Lilin. My mind has deteriorated so much, in the years of abuse I put myself through. It seems I can hardly even focus on her, now days.
"What? Yes, yes. I'm listening. It's just. This is absurd."
"Mother, I'll not stand idly by while people are in danger! My life means little if it saves many others!"
Those words cut me. Not my daughter.
I just stood there. For so long, I wanted to respond, but I just didn't know how. Lilin looked so hurt. Do I encourage it? Do I discourage it? If I discourage it, will she become me? No. I couldn't let that happen. I'd rather her die honorably, over falling to some vice or temptation. It hurts. My gods, it hurts. I pull myself together, take a deep breath, and respond.
"You're doing the right thing, Lilin. I just don't want to lose you."
A wave of understanding suddenly fills her countenance, and she nods with a quick and halfhearted "Oh."
I nod back at her. "You're doing the right thing. I'm so, very proud of that, Lilin. But, you're a friend that I don't want to lose."
The rest of our trip was relatively quiet. It's a while before we get home. How long has it been? are we close? All these questions, they run through my mind like incessant whelps. I'm getting hungry. I'm getting tired. No, I'm not tired. Just hungry. The thoughts, they never stop.
Finally, the silence is broken when we near the home, and we are both greeted by a familiar face.
16th of Rains Hand - 2E599
It's difficult to believe. To believe that, over a decade ago, she was just a bright, young girl with a head on her shoulders the size of Alinor. It's hard to believe that we actually went there, last month. We've had a lot of free time lately, it seems. The woods are nice, as well. Each tree, tall as a mountain and wide as her voice. The adolescent young lady that stands next to me, arrow drawn, is nothing that I expected her to be when I raised her in Cormount, all those years ago. It's almost funny. She's my best friend. And here she—
"Mother! Mother, are you even paying attention? Come on!"
I turn my head and look at the silver haired Altmer standing next to me, her dark blue leather coat tucked tightly around her figure. That was mine, so long ago, but she's already big enough to wear it. She won't be as tall as me, I don't think, and the coat's just a tad big on her. But, it'll do. It doesn't take long for her to spring up and dart for the rabbit she'd just killed. The bow she was using wasn't all that glamorous—just some hickory piece of work with iron-tipped arrows—but it's more than enough to kill small game. We both jog for the kill, and she holds it up with a look of pride and accomplishment.
"I told you I could do it, Mother! And you didn't believe me. A wager's a wager!" She flaunts the rabbit around, strutting from one side to the next as she holds the kill up. I have to suppress a laugh before I finally pick up the time to respond to her. "Yes, Lilin. A wager's a wager." I pull out a small purse and hand her the reward she'd earned: Ten whole Drakes. She pockets the coin and grins.
The way home isn't too far. Once we're out of the thicker woods, it's a pretty straight shot to home. Underneath a blue sky, green grass, and fair winds, the weather is rightly perfect. It wasn't but eight years ago that I—
"Mother!"
What? Oh. She's talking to me.
"Yes, Lilin?"
"What are you thinking about, Mother? You've been quiet."
I stop and try to find the right words to choose for this situation. Home is still another fifteen minutes away, but I've been far too quiet. Moreso than usual, anyhow. Ever since she'd gotten into one of my journals from twenty years back, I've been hesitant to talk to her. I don't want to answer any of the questions she may have read, but I will have to answer them, eventually. I think that now will be that day.
"Oh. Nothing, Lilin. I've just been thinking."
"Well, think out loud! And. Maybe tell me a story about you. Or something! How come I don't know anything about your personal life, Mother? You hide it! You hide it from me, and from everyone else I speak to! I saw what's in your journals, though! There's more to—"
"Lilin!" My call is enough to scare some of the squirrels in the area. Hah. I haven't lost it. "This...this is not the time."
"When will be the time, mother? Tomorrow? Years?"
I stop on the road and breath out a sigh. That doesn't stop Lilin from staring at me in eager anticipation, though, so I close my eyes, and I pray. I pray to whatever Khajiiti or Altmeri god I can, that whatever story she asks me to tell her won't be difficult. Finally, I answer her summons. "Okay...fine, Lilin. What story would you like to hear about?"
Lilin stops dead in her tracks, though, and begins to stutter in her words. Those bright, orange eyes look back at me, full of curiosity and wonder, and I fear that whatever she is about to ask is something that I will destroy her innocence through answering. After this dreadful pause, she finally finds the courage to ask me her question.
"In one of your journals, it said you killed a person. Why did you do that?"
My heart stopped. Which one? I was about to ask her that, but I couldn't. I couldn't answer with that question. Then, she'd know I killed more than just one person, in my youth. She had to ask such a difficult question. I was on the verge of answering, when she tossed in an additional question.
"I heard you were a werewolf."
Son of a bitch.
My jaw is open, my eyes are narrow, and I'm stuttering like a drunken fool. It's got to be a solid thirty seconds before I really find the words to answer. The answer isn't what I was expecting, though.
"Lilin, sit down."
Lilin sits.
...What now, damnit?
I start slow with the explanations. It was a long time ago, young people do stupid things, it's a burden on my conscience that I must endure forever, and so on. I conveniently avoid the topic of lycanthropy as we explain why killing others is bad, unless they mean you lethal harm. After I finish my discussion on the murders, though, Lilin looks at me with wide eyes and a thoughtful expression.
"Well. It was kind of stupid to do that, but we have to forgive people. Right?" Lilin's thoughtfulness, and her acceptance, seems to know no bounds. I hope that means I raised her right.
"Yes. You must always have room in your heart to forgive those, Lilin." I pause and try to find the right parenting words to say. "You must also have room in your heart to accurately judge the enemy, however."
"Does that make you an enemy?"
"No."
"Oh. Well, what does it make you?"
"It makes me your mother."
We stand in silence for a long time before Lilin finds the courage to speak up, first.
"Mother, I don't like the afflicted. You told me to stay away from them. But, in your journal, you hung out with lots of vampires, and werewolves!"
"Lilin, I already told you, Thelin and those others...I didn't hang out with them. I just tried to make sure they didn't get killed."
Lilin gawks at me. "But, Mother. They're killers! You told me, you said so yourself! Why help them?"
I choke on my spit and freeze up. Everything I taught Lilin, since she was a girl. It's all turning on a head. All because I left a stupid journal out. A stupid journal. A stupid, fucking journal.
"Lilin, I had—I felt like I had no choice. But, there's always a choice. As a child, I didn't realize that. I didn't know I had a choice, when I was twenty years old. I didn't know I had a choice when I was twenty-three. They're just stupid...stupid decisions, we make, as children. And, we have to live with those consequences."
Lilin grunts and grumbles at that, seemingly not convinced. "Mother, you could have killed him and saved so many people! You could have killed all of them and—"
"No. I couldn't have. You think I didn't try, Lili'? You think it didn't run across my mind? I put so many vampire heads on spikes when I led that goddamn town, it's silly. But, no. I couldn't fix this one."
Lilin stares at me with a look of judgment and disappointment.
I've been stabbed, burned, slashed, slit, and shot. It hurts like a son of a bitch, and it was all caused by me being stupid.
But nothing, absolutely nothing, could have hurt like Lilin's pure disappointment in her eyes as she stared at me, just a few feet away.
"Lilin." I start, pause, and try again. "Lilin. You don't need to do what I did. I made these mistakes because I ran away from home. I wouldn't let your Grandfather and Grandmother tell me what to do. I wanted to experience it all for myself." I can't do anything but shrug and look around, a small gust picking up in the forest around us. "And this, this is where it led me. You can do better than this, darling. I've always wanted more for you."
She looks at me. Whether it was a second, or an eternity, I cannot say. All I do know is that those eyes held a death-grip on my heart for a century. I held my breath, and held it. And held it.
"Okay, Mother." She gives me that trademark, reassuring smile and starts for home. I quietly exhale all of my doubts and anxiety, and follow close behind.
It is quiet for most of the trip home. That is, until Lilin cuts the silence with a quick "I have to ask you something, again."
"What, Lilin?"
"We never talked about you being afflicted."
I thought that topic had been buried. Damnit. It takes me a moment before I find the time to actually speak up.
"Well...what do you think about it, Lilin?"
"Are you still cursed? You're not going to eat me, are you? Do I have to kill you? Mother, please don't make me do that, I don't think I could. No, I absolutely couldn't!"
"I'm—stop, stop, stop! I'm not afflicted. Not anymore."
"How did you get cured?"
I fell silent. That was such a tender subject. Poor Minjua.
"I'd ruther not talk about it," I tell her.
"Why not?"
"Because I did things that I am not proud of."
"Well...we all do that!"
I stare at her for a moment. "And you do things that you're not proud of?"
I think I finally caught Lilin, that time. She grits her teeth in a nervous display and looks forward, in the direction we were walking.
"Lilin?"
"Yes! Well, sort of. I may have attacked a bandit."
My eyes went wide and my breath halted in my chest. "Lilin, what?"
Lilin panicked and splayed her arms this way and that. "Mother, it's not what you think! I didn't go out hunting for one! And I didn't kill him! I don't think. He was robbing some poor Bosmer! I had to help him, Mother! You said it yourself, always help others! Put them first! So, I did. I pulled out my dagger, and I just started swinging!"
"Lilin, he could have killed you!"
"That was a chance worth taking, Mother!"
When Lilin was first born, I told myself that I would raise her differently. As a child, I was always pragmatic, and wild. I proceeded to every situation without caution, and ended up with more stab wounds in me than a card hustler in a botched game. I told myself, I would raise Lilin to believe in good. That, people were good. To stand up for what's right, and not be muddled by precarious and terrible things. Like lycanthropy. Insanity. Senseless murder. Attributes that I clung to, in my youth. How am I not dead?
Unfortunately, I also expected Lilin to be a homebody. A profession in which she couldn't get hurt. A librarian. A mage in Skywatch. A linguist. Something that wasn't this. But, she wasn't. She had my blood. She may have believed in good, but she also took it a step further than I would have liked. Attacking bandits. God, damnit.
"Mother? Mother! Are you even listening to me?"
I stop and stare at Lilin. My mind has deteriorated so much, in the years of abuse I put myself through. It seems I can hardly even focus on her, now days.
"What? Yes, yes. I'm listening. It's just. This is absurd."
"Mother, I'll not stand idly by while people are in danger! My life means little if it saves many others!"
Those words cut me. Not my daughter.
I just stood there. For so long, I wanted to respond, but I just didn't know how. Lilin looked so hurt. Do I encourage it? Do I discourage it? If I discourage it, will she become me? No. I couldn't let that happen. I'd rather her die honorably, over falling to some vice or temptation. It hurts. My gods, it hurts. I pull myself together, take a deep breath, and respond.
"You're doing the right thing, Lilin. I just don't want to lose you."
A wave of understanding suddenly fills her countenance, and she nods with a quick and halfhearted "Oh."
I nod back at her. "You're doing the right thing. I'm so, very proud of that, Lilin. But, you're a friend that I don't want to lose."
The rest of our trip was relatively quiet. It's a while before we get home. How long has it been? are we close? All these questions, they run through my mind like incessant whelps. I'm getting hungry. I'm getting tired. No, I'm not tired. Just hungry. The thoughts, they never stop.
Finally, the silence is broken when we near the home, and we are both greeted by a familiar face.