Bhidul's Musings

17 posts · started by Bhidul on Jul 11, 2018 · 1287 views · in Active Journals & Diaries

BhidulJul 11, 2018

Jul 11, 2018 at 06:17 PM #1

11th of Sun's Height

Another lost journal. Fucking useless. Why does this one even bother coming back to this anymore? Although self-reflection is what he really needs most in these times of confusion. He might as well note that Anjasi is doing well. Nearly two years with her being in this wicked Tamriel we reside, she is already learning how to speak and can walk with little error. It's a shame that her mother is too selfish to help raise her. Too caught up in her own world. This one doesn't claim to be an amazing father, but at least he's a better parent than one that ran away from it all. Just like his own father.

Perhaps this one should teach her Ta'agra. Speak to her in it, he means. Maybe in a mixed way so that she can understand both common and native tongue? So she could have some kind of... uniqueness to her? Really though, she is unique whether or not she can speak multiple languages. This one is trying his best. This one wants to apologize to her when she is old enough to understand. This one never had parents he could grasp for a long time. He wants to be, at least to her, a long-lasting father for her, being that she appreciates him somehow. Mohan, on the other hand, is still out there with her mother perhaps. He only wishes he could have him here too, but in that circumstance it is extremely difficult. This one walked through hell and back just trying to get Anjasi, but he will not give up on Mohan.

The disappearance is killing this one. First his wife, then his children, then Rubesh. What compels the will of people to leave someone? With little notice? It's like finding a lost object and forgetting where you put it the next minute later. It kills you from the inside. Maybe this one is rowdy. Maybe a bit over the edge too. But that does not mean he is some soulless asshole. He begged the gods for some kind of return. He received his only daughter back, but why not the rest? Why not Rubesh? Why not Mohan? Why not his ex-wife so he can spit in her face? Why not mother or father? Why not his long-lasting comrades? Why not his mentality? He will make the best out of what he has though.

Too many too faces show up in this town, and it's his own fault for making them hate him. It's almost involuntary at this point. Ever since he deserted Cyrodiil, it has been that way. It takes hours to fall asleep without having those memories burnt into his mind. Replaying under his eyelids. He cannot think the same way as he could four years ago. It's too hard. Sometimes, he wants to start over. Reintroduce himself in a way that is normal. For example: not drunk, not angry, not silent, and instead composed of dignity. What Kashya said was absolutely true. Intolerable. Whenever this one bitches about the people that irritate this one, it makes HIM the irritable one. THIS ONE is the cunt he is complaining about, and he doesn't even know it.

As much as some of these people are bastards, he cannot help but reflect and question who the real asshat. Maybe it is time to change the way he acts. Hopefully he'll actually take it seriously this time.

Edited Aug 28, 2018 at 06:15 PM by 0

BhidulJul 12, 2018

Jul 12, 2018 at 10:13 PM #2

12th of Sun's Height

To what extent does a man have to go to make some gold? Apparently not far. That Thom fellow he met while out searching for amber gave him a small contract. As if he could look upon this one and tell he was a hired hand. That's apparently what the mer did, read him at the spot. He wants this one to go to, what it looks like, Marbruk, but why? This one is not certain, but he is sure that the mer will pay him well. He only hopes it isn't anything ridiculous like searching for amber. Fuck that magister, or whatever the hell he is, too. Seven gold for standing around like a vegetable for two hours. He could make more gold jacking off that babbling idiot. Seven. What kind of number is that anyways?

Gold is the least of his concerns right now. This one saved up enough to spare. Enough to pay taxes for a while and treat himself and Anjasi well. The least this one can do to make up for being a shit father is by giving her a comfortable environment to be raised in. Not being dragged around by a skooma-peddling, beast-driven, harlot mother. He cannot help but feel sorry for her anymore, Gata. But for leaving this one behind without any concern? She deserves the worst. He can remember begging the gods for her to come back. What a laughable reminisce.

As for treating this one's self, he met an enchantress in Elden Root. Some Imperial woman. She claims to be skilled in enchanting armor and arms. He paid her twenty-some gold to enchant his greatsword with something she explained to him as a way of sapping endurance from an enemy's blood and returning it to the wielder. This one hopes that it works in his time of need. This one's armor, on the other hand, can be enchanted too, but for about two-hundred-fifty drakes. He is saving up the extra coin to have her engrave a rune that can dispel magic and increase the rigidity of his armor. He'd rather have all of that instead of casting spells left and right, that is, if he could even cast a proper spell in the first place. Aside from armaments, this one has been considering getting himself a new pair of casual clothes. Maybe just to wear on rare occasions? Of course, the weapons stay. He is not going to risk disarming himself completely.

Yesterday, he had a few drinks for the first time in a while. Strange that the tavern would import stout from, at least what he heard, was from Anequina. It is strange to this one that his kin can make a decent drink besides hard liquor. Aminos was there too, and he seemed to be able to handle his drink. Not that this one didn't handle his own, it was just that Aminos seemed to actually loosen up and not speak in the rhythm of a Breton noble. Not that there is anything wrong with that either. Mavos seemed reluctant, yet, open about this special someone he is seeing? This one is not entirely sure he met this person, but he still wished him the best out of all of it. Hopefully she doesn't walk away.

BhidulJul 16, 2018

Jul 16, 2018 at 04:03 AM #3

15th of Sun's Height

Of all the contracts, that fucking Bosmer brought this one to a Gods-damned shitfest of a criminal gathering. That little bastard. That fucking one-eyed cocksucking prick is their leader. Had this one not lost his shit, he would have shoved his boot so far up that little prick's ass that one-eye would grow a dick big enough for them to suck themselves off. Oh, and not to mention the other assholes there; skooma peddlers, Hist-sap traffickers, murderers, and thieves. Ironically, all of those dastardly cunts had the audacity to pledge their lives to some bullshit excuse of a 'family'. All except one. That mysterious person did it for coin only, and not their false sense of fellowship. A damn fine man, that one. A stupid jester-looking cunt insisted on trying to touch him to, the weirdo. It's a shame the world is filled with these kinds of people, but what can he say? They are just like him, trying to make a living, but at least this one developed a morality, and mustered the little of what he has left of self-esteem. This one is shaking with anger. He would have sooner hanged than be a part of that circlejerk of fucking knaves.

This one must point out his own flaws, though. Aye, he is a hired hand, which often is just the loophole for legal assassinations when a specific bounty arises. The same with sailing under Zornel. "Pirates of the Government" Kisven once called it. He's right. But not anymore; things only last for so long. Independence called, and we took it, the same with the lives of other crews, their loot, and the little respect they should be given when dead. This one is not perfect, nor are a lot of others, but he can at least admit to have obtaining a moral compass that points in the direction of a misty path to self-worth. This one found fragments of that self-worth now, and he's putting he pieces back together.

He had a long reflection the other night, now that he brings up sailing. Malyne. That bastard. A prime example of a mer who found some purpose in his life. A long while ago, maybe two or three years, we were stranded on an island after a sailing incident. Going mad as the days progressed. Living like fucking animals off of half-rotten sealife and recycled piss. We hated each other for that time. Most of it though, was his own fault. He wanted to liberate the poor bastards being whipped and slaved every Gods-damned waking hour of their lives. But this one will admit, he is no invincible hero, far from it - being neither invincible, nor anywhere near a hero. It was a miracle that we both made it out alive. He has not talked to Malyne since he appeared in Vulkwasten over a year ago. This one asked the mer to join this... vigilante group he was involved in, though he declined. 'I have to focus on myself, my child' was along the lines of what he said. And this one admires that to this day, not the message behind his words, but the progression he saw within that mer. This one presumes Malyne is in Wrothgar, like he said he would be. Another long friend gone still. If this one could give the best role-model of a responsible individual, it would be Malyne because of how far he came.

Anjasi is doing well still. This one moved a few new items into the home to give himself some self-sufficiency while at home. An anvil and blacksmith tools and a new cabinet for his spices and liquor, not that he drinks when Anjasi is around though. He wouldn't want to immitate how his father, grandfather, and fathers before them acted. Even his mother's parents were drunks. Some even worse, drug addicts. He cannot say he has not been in those situations though.... Reading back on these last few passages makes him wonder of his sanity, going off on tangents like this. Whatever. Either way, Anjasi is fine, the house if fine, everything is in fine or just-about-fine condition. The self reflection really helps clear his mind and vent. Good shit.

Edited Aug 28, 2018 at 06:16 PM by 0

BhidulJul 24, 2018

Jul 24, 2018 at 04:43 AM #4

24th of Sun's Height

Finally, some work that won't get his arse into, at least he hopes, dastardly situations. That smith Dazgra was looking for a courier. He had hoped he'd be helping out in the forge, but maybe that would hinder her even more. He is to deliver staves and blades to an official in Elden Root tomorrow. She claimed that the pay would be about a hundred drakes for this one job, others being a bit less. This one is confident he will manage the job well, and be content with the payment. He is running low on food back at the home, and Anjasi is still a growing cub. Maybe he could invest in reviving the Serpentine if a drydock day opens up. Zornel would be pleased.

This one spent some time exploring the Reaper's March. There is a multitude of fishing holes for this one to experiment with. He caught several eels the other day, they sold good back in Rawl'Kha. The rest of he sold too, and managed to make a bit gold to supply buy a bottle of rum and some bread. The way he sees it, that is how he wants to live. Once his bones grow old and has more time to stay away from his blade, he wants to enjoy Tamriel. It has been so long since he actually appreciated the scenery. As cliche as that sounds, he means it sincerely. If Zornel and this one get the Serpentine in ship-shape, we can finally take over that little island not-too-far from Woodhearth. A perfect cove that would be. He can already see the ship sliding into port, picking up goods to be sold back to the markets - we would make a fortune. That slimy Maormer is always beating the ever-living fuck out of that ship. If she does not go in for repairs, he may as well scrap it. Rotten hull boards, squeaky bed racks, loose sails, all have to be fixed. This one is hopeful that he can achieve this with most of his funds and perhaps generate more with it in due time. He can only dream more of what he can buy with his gold, mainly a better life for Anjasi. He would do the same for Mohan, if only he were here with this one. His rightful father.

It has been nearly three months since this one last saw Rubesh. He is not surprised she left this one alone. He can only do what he did when Gata left, loathe and sulk. There is not much anything else this one can do except feel sorry for himself, but with good reason. He does not like to consider himself a person who goes unloved, but is it wrong for him to want someone back in his life so badly? Maybe this one is a hypocrite for trying to act independent, then turn away the next minute and beg for mercy, but he can only justify it by saying that almost anyone would feel this same way. Rubesh always said this one was a sort of... shell that needed to be broken open. All she did was break the shell and leave it cracked open. Not that it is necessarily her fault though. Perhaps he sounds too pitiful admitting this, but out of all of the people he has met that find this one unappealing, Rubesh was able to see past that. Now, however, this has to move forward instead of backwards.

Storms have picked up slightly around Haven, and it honestly calms this one. If he could have it rain every night before he went to sleep, that would take so much shit off of his mind. Anjasi is frightful, like any other youngling, during storms, but perhaps when she finds herself parallel with this one's thoughts, she will cease. Rain always brought good fortune to the farm back when this one was a child. Perhaps rain is the one symbol in this world that he can cling to. Washing away the old, and revitalizing the new. That was how mother always saw things. She found good in almost everything, even in times of misfortune. Everything lead up to a better reality in her eyes, but how is that so? She died in vain. If everything she believed in was genuine, she died a martyr to a world that could not give two damns less about her. Those bandits didn't, nor did father when he ghosted away just months before her murder. Everything this one has reflected on always goes back to either Anjasi, Mohan, or mother. At least in his eyes, they are flawless. Aye, this one is a pisspoor person. The amount of ridicule he has received since our move to Vulkwasten is ridiculous, yet completely warranted. He just has to actually try to make amends. This one's self-incurred ill reputation makes merely talking with townsfolk about as smooth as a cliff's edge. Aside from feeling pitiful for himself, all he is grateful for is a roof over his head and a healthy daughter.

BhidulJul 28, 2018

Jul 28, 2018 at 04:55 AM #5

28th of Sun's Height

Not even two days ago, this one reluctantly brawled with some absolute stranger and ended up burning his fucking hand to Oblivion. Nevertheless, he has luckily been able to treat it magically and reduce the pain to journey on to a more recent task. Apparently, this farm he visited not too long ago in the Reaper's March was supposed to be a source of revenue for the town. But of course, what is a combined effort without the curse that has haunted us since S'ren-Ja? Aye, an angry spriggan forcing us to work to satisfy its roots and allow the town to take official charge over it. He personally was privileged to have bagged a few skeevers and help take down an overgrown, angry boar. This one wanted to end it by stuffing a makeshift bomb in its mouth and sending its brains to the clouds, but he will save his firesalts for another day. One worth the time it took to make those things. Not to mention, he was able to use the old crossbow and pump a few vermin full of steel. Good times, they remind him of the ones he shared back four years ago.

This one has to get back to Dazgra about the payment for his recent job. Other than that, bounties have been moderately fine. He stopped an older mer who apparently was wanted for skipping his taxes. Ridiculous that he would take up that job. The nicest mer he probably ever met. He just turned a blind eye just that once. Speaking of bounties, this one considered traveling to Velyn Harbor to meet with Dirimir, but he may go visit Vulkwasten just to check up on how things are holding there. Moreso, he wants to visit Dro'Jahla's burial. It's a shame that he has to look back on that day. One day cleaning out the inside of an overrun tavern, and then having to cart the Clanmother's body to Vulkwasten. The looks they gave her while she rested were unbearably heartbroken.

This one is honestly running out of much to note thus far. His hand still burns terribly, but it isn't the worst of things to happen to him, that is certain.

BhidulAug 22, 2018

Aug 22, 2018 at 01:04 PM #6

22nd of Last Seed

Of all of the crises to return to, it has to be a dire one. As ridiculous as this magic dust seems, it only can remind him of the danger back and S'ren-Ja. Nobody cares to believe this one that the curse from S'ren-Ja that leveled the town to rubble has carried over to burden us. Look at Vulkwasten and the invasion, or the cultists, bandits, and whatnot. This one can hope for the best as he always does, but what does this curse have to warrant us punishment? Why should this one have to worry about people hacking their lungs out and have little hope for a cure? That madman made his mark on S'ren-Ja, and if this one could go back and skullfuck that sorry bastard, he would. Whatever is causing this storm is a result of the curse, and he refuses to believe otherwise. From the mages' prospective, the dust is cremated remains. At the same time, Cantose mentioned a necromancer that wasn't put down. Those two could be linked. This one has been exploring the outer reaches of the dust cloud in search for any clues. Nothing. He has started drawing a map though. He has marked several points of interest and sites to evacuate to if need be. There is no certainty that this ordeal may ever rest...

Zornel sent this one a letter, and it seems the the Queen's Navy is after that mer. Unsurprising, but at the same time concerning. If anyone, they should be chasing after pirates that rape and plunder, not ones that have a moral compass and a genuine desire for thrill. From this one's experience though, the fleet will not get to that mer, at least not quickly. The Queen doesn't spend as much on her Navy than she does with the infantry in Cyrodiil. Sluggish ships and crews. Pisspoor rations. Senile leaders.

The old home in Haven is gone. This one sold it for a home just outside Karthdar. He figured that he could tend to Anjasi before heading into Cormount, but now that is not plausible. He has been staying at the camps while she is at home with a sitter. The amount of dread he would take on if she became ill from this... unnecessary mess... he could not bear. This one should travel back there sometime to catch up on her. Gods. This one is a terrible father.

Finally, this one spent some of his remaining gold on a spare set of armor and enchantments. The imperial enchantress he met a few months ago managed to modify his plate. Resistant to magic and brute force, pure durability. It should be very useful when the time calls for it. The only downside is that this one needs to 'recharge' it. Seemingly, it lasts a while, but he can never be too certain with magic, as he is not adept in it at all. Perhaps this one should ask a mage if they can teach him a few spells. This one has been reading on some books, and saw that some mages can actually sap their life force in exchange for magical energy. Not that he would try it now though. Perhaps a small ward spell, or maybe a concussion blast would be useful. Or healing. There is too much magic in this reality for him to fathom, and that includes the dust...

BhidulAug 27, 2018

Aug 27, 2018 at 04:20 PM #7

27th of Last Seed

This one's bones ache from that wretched dust still. He can endure it though. He did especially on the last fishing trip he went on. Surprising that the little Theo fellow managed to come up with the idea, for that man literally tried hunting fish in full plate while armed to the brim. This one cannot speak for foolishness though. He didn't even want to eat the catch. He fell head-over-heels on his ass. Embarrassing. Not much longer now and this one might start getting pissed at himself for breathing in that dust. It doesn't couple well with unfortunate events.

He received a letter from an old commanding officer from his days in the fleet. Apparently on this day, this one signed off as a junior officer for Queen's Navy. It's funny how time flies by so quickly, and he says that not because he completely forgot, but because he only served three years. A thanking for being a part of the fleet equates to him about the amount that a person gets an award for 'trying'. Because this one didn't just try, he put his soul into that field. And the Dominion doesn't even want to send him some compensation for it because their ideal of Tamriellic conquest is not fulfilled. Gods, how this one would like to have stayed in for a bit longer though, just to see how it would all play out. Then maybe he would be more of a sheep as he was before he left the fleet. The same with the Queen's-Own Army. Maybe had he stayed in that he would end up being braindead. This one finds no honor in that letter, only a reminder of how much of a gullible fool this one was. Why die for a Ruby Throne? Even better yet, why die for elven rule?

Instead of staying in Karthdar, this one decided to bring Anjasi and him a bit closer to the refugee camp outside Cormount. This one already prepared for the worst for the sake of Anjasi's health. She doesn't leave the camp unless this one is with her. An old friend is taking care of her while he is away. This one does not like making long trips to get to and from Cormount, so moving yet again would help solve that issue.

This one thinks he should pull another sulking, reflective, pitiful analysis out of his ass about his life, but he cannot find anything extremely meaningful. The only thing this one can reflect on right now is the past. The past that showed him how unlucky he is, yet at the same time, blessed. It's a damn shame that we're still all cursed in the end, but can never find out truly how it all came together. Sure, the guards are shitty, the Green fanatics are pestering, and some of the women are a bit... crass, but there is nothing really to change that. It's Cormount. To be honest for once, it's not as bad as it seems. Still though, this one has no clue what compels him to keep following this group of people, as they are not the same as the ones he met nearly four years ago. Actually, he really owes some of the people that showed him hospitality in the last years, however most of those people have moved on. This one isn't though, not just yet.

BhidulAug 28, 2018

Aug 28, 2018 at 06:09 PM #8

28th of Last Seed

The curse is lifted for now, but he is burdened more heavily this time. When people walk out on this one, the usually never come back. She came back. At first this one was relieved and maybe a bit joyful for a short moment. How naive of him. The world is cruel to this one especially he thinks, and without proper reason. He is unlucky and unforgiven. Rubesh treated this one as though she never left this one. Like this one had to be sorry for her completely vanishing away. Like it was his own fault for feeling sorry himself. Why, Gods, do you distort his judgement? Why this one to bear such heartache? First you took away his parents, his son, previous wife, and Rubesh. But when one of them comes back, why is it that they are broken? And even when they are broken, why is it this one's burden to carry? At this point, he had better off not being born into a world that has shown him little mercy except to care about something until it is soon taken away from him. A pity that this one ever considered looking to the divines for guidance, because they never answered his calls in the first place. Last night was the first time he had ever shed a tear in many moons, an even rarer occurrence in public. In front of her. She didn't give a damn. She saw this one as an embarrassment, a failure to meet her standards. Maybe it is best she left... better yet, this one to show her the same treatment. To walk away from her this time.

This one woke up with a hole in his tongue. Probably not the best of indicators of good health. The healers still advise this one to mind himself of his seizures, but they aren't clearing up. He doesn't remember them when they happen unless something out of place is at hand. They fixed his tongue, though they cannot fix whatever is going on in his head. He is confused partially because the fracture had been sealed, while the episodes still remain. This one will sleep it off eventually, he thinks. As for Anjasi, he is relieved that she is not ill or harmed. Perhaps he can move into the inn until he finds a more suitable home for us to stay. His gold is running low, and bounties have been scarce or unfruitful. He will continue to look for an opportunity though.

There was a brief Dominion veteran's meeting outside of Elden Root. Nothing official, but it was addressed on the letter he received a few days ago. He recognized a few faces from the days in Cyrodiil. Ra'zah, Ammed, Neridil, Hinlas. Gods, they are in rough shape. Some could barely form proper sentences anymore. Zah lost his hand, Ammed can no longer grow hair, Neri is overly-impolite and Hinlas is surprisingly reserved now. Captain Elsinal put the whole thing together as a sort of... unofficial recognition and reunion of old Dominion friends. It's sad to think of it this way, but there is not much honor for us to share in. The war still continues, and we all gave up on it. At the same time, we are spared of dying for an ignorant, selfish cause. This one respects Elsinal the most though. Even for an older mer, he has been sailing and risking his life well before most of us were sucking our mothers' tits.

He plans on spending a bit of his spare gold on drinks tonight. For himself, of course. A lot. He needs it. What else is he supposed to drown it out with? He already knows Rubesh is too intolerant now to even care about this one's actions. Apparently trying to maintain a reputation matters more than the people who care about you. It's a good thing he doesn't have that right now.

BhidulAug 31, 2018

Aug 31, 2018 at 09:35 PM #9

30th of Last Seed

This one can never live up to be happy, it seems. But he tries. He's always kicked in the face in the end. This one had an argument with Afer last night. We sounded like a bitching couple, to be honest. This one will never understand his motive for being so happy. At first, that man argued to say that he lived an almost more stressful life than this one, but the best part was when he started talking 'influence' and 'social power'. Gods, this one can understand that but at the same time, he is no people's person. Most people find him intolerable, but not so much a few years ago. Why? Shaking his fist at the Gods for burdening him with such rowdiness and belligerence is something he can no longer continue to drag on. He must keep trying to be happy, but as of recent events, things have gotten only worse. Worse enough for him to do something stupid.

It's a shame Rubesh had to 'leave'. How could this one be so fucking ignorant? So selfish? So narrow-minded? After what Mavos told this one, he feels like a completely oblivious fool prior to it all. Of all the things he did, he sat on his ass and loathed, hoping she would somehow break out of her strange behavior. The same behavior he saw as being neglectful. Whoever is pulling the strings behind this situation needs to be put down. This one did not bear such a heavy weight of pain and heartbreak, only to realize that there is something bigger behind this ordeal. Something manipulative. He has to find her. There is no way she can literally -survive- continuing this. If this one had the might of a thousand men, he would make every last one of those peddlers suffer. How could this one not have noticed her call for help? Of all the people, he would think that he would have some kind of instinct to know what is troubling her, or at least have had some common sense and cease his drunken sulking. Why must everyone prove to this one he is nothing but a miserable fool? There has to be a way for this one to do something progressive. Moonsugar plantation his ass...

Maybe trying to prove himself to not be ignorant, intolerable, and arrogant should be his priority now, but he will no longer dwell on his past actions. He will do something present. Something other than idle. He has spoke to Zornel about sailing the Serpentine to the Roost, but the mer will only let him go so far. The bastard still has heat with the Navy. The crew will bring him out to the coast and drop a patrol sailboat. Tomorrow he leaves, only in hopes to intercept wherever Rubesh is heading. He begs the Gods to give him strength. Just this one time.

BhidulSep 03, 2018

Sep 03, 2018 at 10:18 PM #10

3rd of Hearthfire

Nothing. There was no sign of her. This one was too late, too blinded by his own selfish thoughts before. Had he grown a pair and mustered up some common sense, this one could have helped. He is returning to Cormount, empty-handed and without anyone but to blame except for himself this time. Not her, not the Gods, but this one. The trip back could give him more time to reflect, but not enough to fully understand himself. Who knew that you could be so out-of-touch with the person you are? At least this one can acknowledge it. If those bastards ever have the nerve to send her back, he'll search every crack those slimy fucks are hiding in. The ones that watched her, continually threatening her life only to continue dispersing a poison. Now this one sees why the law despises it so much. Because of cutthroat underground businesses like that.

Zornel has every right to be pissed at this one. The boat didn't make it back in one piece, but at least the ship did. That mer angers himself over nothing sometimes. This one really oversaw his sailing skills for having neglected them for a few months. The look on his pale-eyed face was priceless though.

This one cannot constantly go without checking on Anjasi, it definitely pained him on this last journey. She shouldn't be hungry, dirty, or ill, and would is glad to see her again. This one will spend a bit more time with her when he makes it back. He already failed to tend to the cries from Rubesh, it is best not he did that to his own daughter. The peddlers will pay, though. Maybe so not in much bloodshed, but in pain, as they deserve. He will get what he wants soon enough, and when that time comes, things will be just. Equal.

Edited Sep 03, 2018 at 10:19 PM by 0

BhidulSep 13, 2018

Sep 13, 2018 at 03:14 AM #11

12th of Hearthfire

He finally was able to share a moment with Rubesh not too long ago. During some silly mud-shittery event thrown by Afer. Of course him and Rubesh didn't win. He sinks too far into mud, it's a pity. Either way, after it all we sat down and talked for a bit. They still hold all that she cares at stake, and now apparently that's her siblings too? At least he offered to help at first, just to see if he could break that bastard's neck in person. Alas, that isn't his path, nor does he have the room to just play hero in this situation. All he can do his hope and wait for her to come back a few inches out from this neck-deep shit. This one will remember that name, Raska. If and when he finds that coward, he'll make them suffer like a dying cur. He isn't exactly opposed to her bedding that shrivel-dick to slit their throat and be off, yet he can only wish that modernity and its dark side were not filled with such perversion and malice. They're molesting and torturing her, and he's forced to watch her come back from abuse with no power to step in. He wants to be more angry over all of this, but it will do him no good, as it never has. If he ever comes across those peddlers and this 'Raska', they -will- know him afterwards.

The possibilities of meeting Rubesh's siblings are higher than he thought. Only a few days left and she has to meet with these 'employers'. Including 'Raska'. She asked this one to take care of them, had she not make it back, and he will. He made a promise that he knows he can keep.

This one doesn't know what to think anymore. So much is going on for him to prioritize what to invest a damn into and what not to. Perhaps his health, or Anjasi, or Rubesh. There just has to be a way for her to get out of this mess. It's tearing him apart to keep enduring this. It's all just like the years before, having so much misfortune abruptly announce itself and being all the while helpless. Do the Gods pity him yet, or does this one have to keep dealing with this?

Edited Sep 13, 2018 at 03:16 AM by 0

BhidulSep 18, 2018

Sep 18, 2018 at 09:40 PM #12

18th of Hearthfire

What better way to try and enjoy himself in the tavern, actually sitting down this time, than to have that tooth-grabbing, ash-assed mer shoving his "this is how it is in Morrowind" shit down everyone's throats. This one would like to think that he is a very intolerable person sometimes, mostly because he cannot help it, but some people come dangerously close. Of course, the reaction towards his brash manners to Khajiit (unsurprisingly) was somewhat belligerent. Rubesh hugged that pompous prick out of nowhere. She probably wouldn't have, had she been there to hear the slanders they made in regards to every other race besides the Dunmer. Still, it was all unsurprising. There was one other Khajiit there that he does not see very often. The same one he bought a meal for a while back. He has witnessed repeat that same exploit from her, that's how he mostly remembered. But, aside from tavern feuds, this one was partially able to relax. Amidst the turmoil, this one was able to talk to Thorn for a brief moment. It baffles him still, that lizard's background.

Rubesh made it back safely, but she did not seem to want to tell this one the details of the trip entirely. Raska killed her pet pig too, but gave back her siblings and hopefully has loosened the dagger at her throat. This one knows there is still much more to get her out of it. At the same time, it seems like she doesn't trust this one enough to do anything about it. She doesn't even speak to this one a lot anymore in public. This one can't figure out what in Oblivion she wants him to be. Sometimes he would like to claim that a miracle struck him when he met her, not his charm.

This one needs to fix his right gauntlet too. Apparently the hag the town confronted a few weeks ago was killing the surrounding spriggans. The hag corrupted them and defiled them into 'lurchers'. We had to slay two of them, the other was somehow reverted to its original form. By a child, of all people. One of the spriggans returned to us some seeds. He still has one. Perhaps he will throw it in some dirt sometime.

BhidulJun 03, 2019

Jun 03, 2019 at 10:27 PM #13

3rd of Mid Year

This one has not made an entry in a great the length of time.

This move to Auridon, for the past several months now, has been interesting. New faces and new calamities. At the same time this one feels even more doomed. He only wishes he could share a relationship with more people before he pisses them away like everyone else. This one still has not gotten over Rubesh, and gods does he miss the joy he felt in her presence. All good things that happen in his life often disappear, as he always thinks. He almost lost Anjasi to the damned Ruby. Making coin is even more difficult here. Auridon is too lawful and restrictive on who he can and cannot track. Most of the bounties have been Heritance fugitives, but all of their manpower is so scattered and secluded. This one would think, that by growing nearly twenty-five years old, he would settle down and find some damn quality in his life. Nay. Only left to raise the one thing he cares about most, his daughter. So far Anjasi has always been his resort to finding good in his tainted life. Look at his reputation. The belligerent, intolerable, drunken, slanderous Bhidul. A brute whose heart beats for riches and booze. He only wishes he could go back and change himself. Had his uncle been around, he could have been raised better. Alas, he shouldn't blame his upbringing for his own conscious decisions.

This one has pondered enlisting in a privateering job, but he'd only end up being a deckhand. Meanwhile his own ship rots at bay. He may as well sell it. However, gold still won't find him the happiness he wants. He only wants to make up for all of the inconvenience and burden he has brought upon others. This rather crippling reputation he incurred upon himself.

He has begun to study magic. Ever since Kisven showed this one how to manipulate his surroundings, force this one's "ego" into existence, he has grown very drawn towards magic. The only magic he understands are the wards placed on his armor, but nothing much more than that. This one does not see himself as a mage, but magic is a tool, he thinks. Nay, not necessarily a tool but an extension, as vague and unoriginal as that statement sounds. He will seek Kisven later to further this skill.

All this one can do now is try and make amends for all of his wrongdoings and intolerable acts. He only wishes to not feel so damn lonely and unsupported. His friends have either died, or moved on without him, leaving this one to older friends who are soon to do the same. Gods, how he hates his past self for being so ignorant. Perhaps he will muster what he can of his mannerisms and talk to people. Maybe make a few friends along the way.

Edited Jun 03, 2019 at 10:28 PM by 0

BhidulAug 03, 2019

Aug 03, 2019 at 09:39 PM #14

3rd of Last Seed

This one still cannot see Anjasi. They are closer to sending her to a youth corps. This one is beginning to relapse. It feels so good to indulge. He is stuck down in a hole. Everything happens around him while he is only there to catch a glimpse of it. This one lives on a damned boat for gods' sake. He is no different than he was nearly six years ago, stumbling around in search of a quality life.

This one supposedly missed a party. He distinctly remembers going last year, but this one is not cut out for parties. Nay, he is no good at being social. Like a damn child. Too timid until he becomes belligerent or frustrated. This one enjoys this solitude he has right now though. The soft, rolling waves give him comfort and remind him all too well of home. At the same time, this one doesn't even have a home. It's just one big sad paradox.

All the while, this one has a good amount of coin saved up. Perhaps this one can rebuild the Serpentine? Buy a nice home? Start a company? Who knows. This one is just all too damn lonely. He has no Anjasi, no Rubesh, and most of his friends have moved on or lost their trust in this one. A pity. All this one does is whine in this ridiculous book. Perhaps that's where he belongs? This one's journey has been everything but an adventure. It's the foundation of a cliche, sad story.

This one has begun playing his old lute again. It reminds him of good times. Perhaps he should get into songwriting? He was never a good singer though. Perhaps he can go fishing again? After all, this one is living in a boat. Who knows what might happen next. This one knows he might start being more active in the town more. Maybe be something more than just a bounty hunter? This one does know that Alena needed training, but she has moved on. Probably because this one scared her off. Or because of his lack of communication. Oh well. It's time to wait out his sadness.

BhidulAug 05, 2019

Aug 05, 2019 at 06:57 AM #15

5th of Last Seed

It's amazing that Shattered Grove still has difficulty recruiting proper guards. Cantose, unsurprisingly, assaulted around five of us in the tavern. This one wanted to draw blade to that cur. Humans have no place in Dominion lands. Especially ones to protect us. This one finally had enough after he was thrown into a rack of bottles. However, Thorn did well in following up and kicking the man's ass. As far as this one knows, the bastard is still tied to a lamppost. Naked. Not only are we going to humiliate that oaf, he is going to be tried. By all of us. This should be good. This one isn't going to lie, but this was rather fun for him, despite his face still stinging from all of the glass.

This one was surprised to see Kashya's brother in town too. A lot more moraled than Kashya. Regardless, they are both dear to him. This one has not seen Estre either. She supposedly caused the whole situation, but knowing her personality he isn't surprised she wouldn't lash out at Cantose. But can you blame her? The man is not fit to be a guard. A brute. Aside from that, he was surprised that he still retained the repaired relationship we had back in Cormount. We used to hate one another, and this one was not sure if she would have changed her mind after all that time. Good to know that this one can make amends with people. Perhaps it's the beginning to a better future with the townsfolk.

This one also has made another account with more of Gata's artifacts. The old necklace she gave this one during our marriage. The one she gave him that would supposedly protect him in his days of service in the Heartland. It is no longer potent, but it lingers something strange. It almost talks to him in a way, much like how the Ruby spoke to this one and Anjasi. The Ruby retained something that was a part of Gata, and it is inevitable. The same goes for the necklace. It still speaks to him and tells this one lies, exactly like the Ruby does but with less power. It is not destructive in nature unless this one succumbs to it, which he knows he will not.

He stumbled upon another artifact he found. This one remembers purchasing it some years back, perhaps a year or so after receiving the necklace. A steel plate gauntlet. Though it grows grotesque and cold. It too does the same. Whenever something of Gata's essence is near it, it resonates with something of similar potential. The thing looks normal, that is until he puts it on. It feels just like flesh. Warm and damp when he dons it. Touching its metal feels just as it would to touch your own skin, or to feel your surroundings. It's quite odd. He did some experimenting with it too. The necklace does not speak, but tries to communicate somehow. It made him feel pain, until he wanted to take it off though. There is something within that shell of metal that allows it to synchronize with it, and it brings up more questions than he can bother to perceive at the moment. Perhaps she is trying to speak to this one? If so, the only speaking he will do to her is asking what her death words will be. Is this damned witch is trying to torment him? Or is it just an inconvenience? All he wants is Anjasi, and this thing is trying to sway his mind.

This one is intrigued, but not enough to keep digging up old wounds.

BhidulAug 06, 2019

Aug 06, 2019 at 06:32 AM #16

6th of Last Seed

Goodbye, Kashya. Your death was unwarranted. Your killer soon feasts on steel.

BhidulAug 06, 2019

Aug 06, 2019 at 09:01 PM #17

6th of Last Seed

This one cannot find the bastard alone. He has searched all day, and thus far has found no trace of the man. Why so soon for her? We were not the fondest of two, but the care this one had for her was deep. Paired with her loss now is a deeper pain This one remembers the way she used to act. Growing from a drunken thief to a loving mother to her daughter. This one aspires to be like her. Aspires to do the same for Anjasi. To care, and do so much for this one's own flesh and blood.

Why so soon? Why do so many people disappear from this one's life? Why do so many friends walk away. Die. Fade out? This one will never understand the will that drives his life.