Burden's Journal (Jel Language)

I hope getting my thoughts down will ease my mind. It gets so dull around here and being dull means my memories haunt me.

I came to Courmount seeking fighters to regain my strength from my imprisonment, but I was defeated. I could have left but, some of the people here made me stay. Was it some of the kind souls? Some of the honor of the people I fought? It compelled me to be a guard again to protect these people. Whatever it was, it made me feel something I haven't felt for years.

I don't agree how they handle the laws, but I must respect them. Minor crimes might get a beating, while more serious crimes will get you killed...horribly in my village. But, they attach gold value to their laws here. What's the point if they don't learn their lesson...they only have to be rich to break a law.

Anyway, I did make it to Major, but the guard and myself were helpless. Gold and recruitment were major factors, also a dumner lead us. But, after I got sick from the fog, I left after I woke up in disgust. I needed time away to reflect on my decisions and the situation.

By Sithis, why am I writing my thoughts down? I never cared until now. My thought? The hist is slowly changing my course. I'm still a fighter at heart of course, but sometimes people in my village where I lived would change professions on a whim. The hist might be guiding me as well, dispite my time away from it.

To continue, I ran for Kavatch and spent a few months there. I heard Afer was a gladiator there, he wasn't keen on it, but I had thoughts of joining. However, I wanted to test myself beforehand. So I tried fighting outside the arena.

It was fruitful at first for a month or so, came close to entering the arena, but then they found out about my injury and pummeled me in each match. I had to stop before I got killed by it.

I was disappointed, my scars on my back were my crippling weakness, a memory of my imprisonment. Hit my back hard enough and I fall over in pain. I ran south and stopped in the wilderness. There I unleashed my anger before I was overtaken with sorrow.

But then I reflected on my next move. Perhaps I knew since I escaped, but I denied it. I couldn't go after my captor alone, let alone the connections he might have, but I'm getting ahead of myself. But, I also thought about my time in Courmount and the friends and rivalries I made. I also thought about the day of the fog...I did all I could for them, but it was out of my control.

At this point, I started my journey back to Courmount.

When I arrived, everyone was leaving town. Honestly, I wasn't sure what to make of it, but we weren't getting support from the capital there and we were getting too much attention for not being wood elves. Some people may miss it, but Courmount only brought trouble.

It was organized chaos when we came to Shattered Grove. It seemed like everyone wanted a new start in this new town. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a guard, due to my doubts. Afer mentioned I should wait and see but Thorn was going to be an officer.

Joining the guard meant better pay, but Thorn is someone that can have more trouble with his injuries than me. He gave me a lot of advice back in Courmount, and...well...he was the only male Saxlheel in town. So of course I felt some attraction to him.

At the time, he was seeing Kaysha. I kinda got hints in Courmount, but I didn't truly know until Shattered Grove when the townsfolk were heckling them. I find those relationships strange...but then again I think of my friend Lunar and her attraction to Xithic. The ones that are born away or cut off from the hist are quite different, but they are still my scale brother and sister. I wasn't going to get in the way of any relationships they have.

I wanted to protect him from danger, so I joined back up with the guard.

Guard work has been fine for the most part, though the thing I and some of the others struggle with is the Dominion. Granted, they have taken the expenses of the guard, but a good majority of Altmer are racists. They had some issues with daedric cult and their first action was to go into town and question me first, along with calling me a bandit.

I can feel the tension daily. Xithic and a Dominion official got into it due to Dar'ashi throwing a rock. I tried to defuse it as best I could, but Xithic knocked the bastard out and cuffed him to a bed. I managed to sort it out with low consequences, but I feel we may hit a tipping point some day.

In the meantime, I did purchase the tavern and started running it. It's crazy, but I felt like buying it. That and I had concerns about the longevity of my profession. Also I made a few jobs, so that people will be a bit prosperous. I'm getting used to buying goods and I'm starting to see the strings to pull to get deals.

It's a little scary that I'm getting good at this.

Things were going well, but then I took a job from Afer. Getting us on an island of a hunter that wants to kill us wasn't the smartest thing. We killed him, but I was badly injured due to him having some control over the wildlife. I was almost torn apart by bears. I don't know how I'm still alive, but they got me back to the clinic.

I'm lucky I didn't lose any limbs but, I still struggle with combat. I had trouble using my shield and the Dominion guard armor is hard to wear. Figures that the Dominion doesn't have alternatives, but they will have to deal with me using my armor. I switched to using two weapons and I thought about taking up the bow.

It made me think about my captor so many years ago...he seems farther and farther away. I've told a few people about my situation. I've told Lulie, but Afer and Thorn told me to drop the idea of going after him in Morrowind. I wouldn't listen normally, but Thorn...

I've concluded unless my captor is outside of Morrowind, I won't go after him in his home.

Since I can't stop talking about him, I should talk about Thorn.

Thorn reminds me of an elder that scolds me...in a good way. Ever since I've walked into town, we've had this relationship. We've been to the marsh together a few times. He's still a bit of a mystery to me, but then again, he's a mystery to himself. He's been through a lot.

Recently though, Kaysha called us in and basically broke up with Thorn and tried to pawn off Thorn to me! I was stunned at that, but Kaysha was in a position that she couldn't stay with him. I pity her, yet I'm also angry at the situation. Damn elves.

I've talked to him a few times and obviously he's hurt. He said he would drown himself if he didn't breathe underwater. I've continued to talk to him the last few weeks and we've talked a long time. I...eventually confessed I had an attraction to him. It's crazy since I don't want to fall into the pawning off thing. But, I must admit that I had feelings for him for awhile.

He basically said that he was still hurt and I understood that. Maybe I approached him too soon, but I wanted to be honest with him. So I gave him space for now. I sent him a gift for the end of the year and we will see. I won't pressure him, but I will let him know I'm thinking of him.

*Note written at Old Life Festival*

Egg-Brother and Sister,

I don't know if you both are dead, but I will mourn your loss now. Sister, you weren't in the village when I stopped by and I have no idea where you are. And brother, your occupation almost guaranteed you an early death. I hope I mourn over nothing, but may Sithis guide both of you to the roots of our tree.

Kai-La

I might as well talk about the other people in town.

I'll start with Kaysha, she runs the guard right now. I...guess I respect her? She's a decent leader, but she's not a fighter. I believe she's an Altmer at heart, but at least she's bearable to be around.

Afer is one of my good friends, but I haven't seen him around since the bear-thing. Hopefully he doesn't blame himself, but best guess? He is with family. Guess I can relate to him...think he has his own monsters to deal with.

My tavern staff which consists of Lulie, Lucia, and Taps. There might be more, but they are pretty unremarkable. Lulie is kinda cheery and probably one of my best and I feel I can talk to her easily. Lucia is another one of my best. Taps is alright, though not much of a personality on him, but he gets the job done.

Some of the notable guards are Sarasha and Xithic. Two Khajiit. One is a hot-head and the other a bit calmer, bit of a versitile cat.

Then there's Lunar. Probably one of my best friends. She pretty nimble and good in a fight. It's no wonder I get along with her. She even helped me with Thorn. Think we will be friends for a long time.

There is also Kiri the healer. She seems to have a good heart, but I wish she was more experienced in healing, especially when it came to the bears.

There's also Aminos, but I hardly see him. Probably for the best. I don't harbor a grudge against him back in town about the guard. It was the circumstances we were under at the time. But, I rather not talk to him much.

That about covers everyone...I do get lonely and homesick at times, but these people make me feel at home.

I'll talk about today.

Basically some pirates kidnapped the guard and put us on a boat. We escaped thanks to the Dominion, but they came back with a ballista and shot our guard hall. We fended them off, but now a detachment from Skywatch is keeping their eyes peeled.

There was also some daedric worshipers, they've been quiet but someone mentioned they were shouting in town. Then there was an attack at the tavern. I wasn't there but they were after that idiot Rey. Sara killed them and their rotting somewhere. I better keep my eyes on him, I mean...he did threaten me, but I don't know, he can be a drunk.

I'm starting to get really good at trading. I'm able to get a profit on the tavern, but I'm also moving some goods in Skywatch. I lose sometimes, but I'm gaining a reputation there and I'm getting a decent number of gold. I...it's strange, mostly due to the zero experience I had, but I'm pretty confident that the hist is changing me this way. I'm moving away from a shield due to my injury, and I'll get Xithic to teach me the bow and Lunar to give me pointers on dual wielding.

Lunar got me to talk to Thorn. We pretty much sat there and vented about our feelings. Thorn is not very confident due to what happened with Kaysha. I'm not confident myself due to inexperience, plus he hasn't really given me anything. I could have been more patient, but our talk cleared the air and I think we are going to try this out. We are going to take it slow of course because of our uncertainties, but we will see where it goes.

I hope it works out, I have strong feelings for him.

Things have moved quickly in this town, or maybe it's due to the size.

Guess I'll start with the murder in my tavern. It's a bit complicated, but Rey got attacked by some guy and the civilians and guard killed him. They dragged the body out and a werewolf ate it. Now the Thalmor are sniffing around town. Also add to that Rey is trying to sell me drink for half the price. Does he think I'm an idiot?

I dislike the Thalmor a lot. I didn't think I would, but when they came into town and questioned me and the others, then there's the situation with Thorn. Granted, not Kaysha's fault, but it seems like a byproduct of that culture. Pushing outsiders around to get their way. Granted, Saxhleel have their issues, but at least we're clear about it and the marsh makes us isolated. Wish they would just push us out already if they don't like us.

As for Thorn, we might move in together. He wanted to show me his boat and room first. Haven't seen him in a few days but...nice and easy Kai. We both have to go at a slow pace.

I worry about us in the guard, we're both outsiders. But, he reassured me about the Thalmor and they wouldn't touch us. I need to try to follow his lead for both of our sake. I just hope my temper holds until they calm down a bit.

By Sithis...where do I begin.

We went on patrol the other day. Following up a lead on the pirates. We found them, but we also found two werewolves. Kaysha got beat up pretty badly, but she should be alright. One got trapped and was killed on our way out, the other was captured. I didn't like the situation to put it lightly. I tried to kill it myself, but the others prevented me. So we ended up capturing it, and then it was killed the next day. I really don't get it...it was a circus between the more defiant guards and some of the straightforward guards. I don't even know if they got information out of the damned creature.

It makes me nervous, due to the connection it could have with the werewolf issue we have had. I hope the werewolf thing doesn't escalate out of control. Wish they would stay hidden like they should.

Meanwhile, Lunar and Xithic started training me. Don't feel comfortable with a bow and could use some work on the dual weapon thing, but I can get by with sheer aggression in the meantime. Hopefully with more sessions, I can use them effectively. Could try to find some leathers that don't make me look like an idiot in the guard.

I started to move in with Thorn. I'll talk to Lulie when I get the chance, but I think she will be fine. Needed to get out of there, I kinda hate her idiot boyfriend. But, he showed me his boat and his place and we've talked. He...appreciates me despite my scars on my back. We are quite similar in some ways surprisingly. He might be reserved at times, but he's straight-forward, aggressive at times and when I saw him threatening that cat, I could trade places and I would have said the same thing. It's hard to talk about our experiences, since he can't remember most of it, but we enjoy our company.

Have to see what happens between us.

It's been rather quiet in the village, besides some crazy vampire lovers. Damn near made the village crazy. Probably would have executed them in the marsh, but we do have to play by Dominion rules. I know Thorn is edger to execute as well.

My tavern workers got spooked by some Saxhleel that is hanging around town. For the way he took an interest in my stuff...I...can't shake that he could be my egg-brother. The worst part is I never seen the guy, so I can't confirm if he is. It bothers me without end. I wish he would just stop hiding so I can put my mind at ease.

I have doubts it's him but...I think back to my captivity and how someone dropped the keys in my cell. Never got a good look at them but...could it be you egg-brother? I know your calling is, dubious to most, but if you are in town, I long to see you again.

While I figure out this mystery, I've been getting pretty close to Thorn. Anytime he talks tough, it makes me want to drag him somewhere private for some intimacy. But, we both seem to agree that we will be together for some time.

I feel calmer when I'm around him.

The next several pages are stained with ink and have several holes as if someone stabbed them.

I can't believe she fucking did that.

I found out that Kashya fast-tracked some paperwork to build a tavern and move the guard hall to the old Iron Leaf place. It felt good to punch her in the face. We fought for a bit, but I lost against her. She didn't even have the respect to tell me about this move. But...when I fought her...I said to her that she never fought for anything, but I was wrong. She reminded me of older warriors I saw in the village, they didn't want to talk about their exploits because it was horror to them.

Just...fuck it...she can have that shit. I at least negotiated to be her supplier. I was better at moving goods rather than running a tavern anyways. It still hurts and I don't know if I can forgive her that easily. But, at least I don't feel like punching her out anymore.

I'll convert the shack into a general store, at least Salah is here with me to help and he's really good with potions. Maybe I'll get some people to trade with me. I need to train him first though. He sold a bottle whiskey for 19?! Fucking idiot...but it's my fault for not training him. He doesn't need to be a merchant, but he does need to know what the goods price for.

I haven't told Thorn what happened...don't feel like it...he'll eventually learn. Salah said I should calm down, but he knows as well as any that I struggle to keep my head sometimes.

I become a monster sometimes.

How long as it been since I wrote in this stupid things? Whatever, there's a lot on my mind.

I...had a slight breakdown awhile back. Pent up anger. It was due to some stupid ruby bringing up old memories. I don't understand it. But, it dug up what I was when I was back home. I attacked some townsfolk, but the only ones who knew it was me was Kashya and Mavos. After they found out, they spared me jail time. I went to Thorn and my brother for help. My brother did warn me about that, but I was clouded in my judgement.

Regardless, I should say Mavos is the only one that knows know. Kashya passed away thanks to Cantose. Thorn and I agreed on trying to execute him, but I had to be fair and give him a fair trial. The only problem with that is some of the key people in that fight didn't testify and the town voted overwhelmingly to let him go.

Kashya was a piece of shit sometimes, I didn't like her after what she did, but we were cut from the same cloth. I understood that when I fought her. I at least had an understanding of her. But, what eats away at me is their family and how I failed in getting rid of Cantose. The younger one...Lillin was it? She hates everyone now and I yelled at her because she was being a brat. She doesn't understand how I feel about that shit. I feel guilty for letting that man walk. I've failed them.

By Sithis I haven't even told Thorn yet. I don't know what he would do if he found out about that. Some people may have forgiven him, but Cantose has a huge target on his back. Only thing I can do is keep an eye on Cantose and make sure he doesn't start shit in town. He is kinda like me, but he can't control himself like I can. Least I can do is make his life a living hell in town.

Finally, I had a long talk with Thorn...I think we are going to start a family soon. I wanted to hold off until one of us finished up unsettled matters, but I'm afraid one of us will pass on before that happens. It will be difficult, since it's best to raise them in the marsh. Shattered Grove isn't made for Saxlheel, but I think it would be worth it and he seems to be on board. It's hard to read him sometimes, probably due to the hist, but I still love him.

There's been a lot of daedra activity in town lately. It has me concerned. First the hunger, which I happily stuffed a mace down it's throat. The second was a watcher, which I would have hit, if the townsfolk weren't all in favor of letting it go. And then the ogrim that wanted to eat me. Disgusting. Something fishy is going down. I might have to ask Alena and see about investigating it. It's too short of a time and I wouldn't put it past a mage to summon such things.

During the ogrim situation, Lilin accidentally stabbed Estre in the gut while trying to cover me. It was partially my fault for steering her in that direction, but she seems set in her direction. After talking with her, I agreed to give the knife back on the condition that she get some training with Salah. He wasn't too keen on it, but he agreed to it. Perhaps he has a little fear of possibly steering someone down his dark path. I told him to just cover the basics and that she wasn't an assassin. But, I trust my brother for the most part in helping her. Like it or not, Lilin looks up to me and she's practically family to us. Hrm...I wonder if attraction to Saxhleel runs in the family...

Speaking of...Thorn and I haven't had any "entanglements" yet. Been too busy to try. But, he did make some time to finally teach me how to ride a mount. I kept falling off at first, but Thorn is persistent. I eventually got comfortable enough to do it, but I prefer my own two feet still. But, it would be useful instead of running to catch up to others.

Alena told me about the Ruby and how it shattered....months ago. It most likely explains the daedra hanging around. We had a spider incursion, but it was dealt with and that's how we found out it was broken. I wanted to know what was going on with it, but they kept silent. Guess it's one last fuck you from Kashya, but whatever. I barely trust Alena, I mean...my egg-brother went to their meeting and he said that she is the "Mama Crow". Seriously? Guess she is better than "him", but doesn't mean that I trust her.

Speaking of "him"...he started to show up to mercenaries. I'm not going with them if he's there. If I interact with him, there's a possibility I will rip out his heart, or "accidentally" push him when he's close to a cliff. I can control myself in short interactions, but In a place such as the mercenaries, it would be too long and I would prone to losing control of my anger. A pity...I did like fighting him, but I'm afraid our next fight would be the last.

I did finally take the guard out for training. I'll admit I was worried, but they seem fit enough, though I wish Kari would ditch the heavy armor. But, if she wants to fail her duties because of it, then so be it, I will yell at her. But, luckily I have a few decent guards. I need a few more before I'm comfortable though. I've notice that a lot of the townsfolk aren't keen on fighting and our mercenary strength isn't what it used to be.

Unfortunately, I will have to burden their reluctance.

Kashya is alive and back in town. I don't know what to make of it. On one hand, I've never seen Cantose so pissed. It brings me joy. He probably still hates me, but he still intended to kill her, so forgive me if I don't shed tears for him.

On the other, she deceived everyone just to get out of town. I really don't get her. She didn't have enemies and it wasn't like she was trying to get away from something dangerous. There might be something deeper here, but let's say that I can trust her as much as I can throw her.

However, we talked awhile and I still sense we are similar. We both have done terrible things, but we also care for others around us....kinda. I'm baffled honestly...but I believe she is a bit short-sighted and doesn't see those around her that care. She will have to prove herself to the town, but she lifted a weight off my shoulders at a perfect time.

I'm carrying an egg...it was bound to happen...we were going at it every night. I haven't gained weight yet, but I feel the changes. I've been craving raw fish, felt more tired, felt a little pain in my stomach, also more hungry. Thorn seems happy and I've been a bit overjoyed and overwhelmed at the news. Though, Thorn thought I would split open due to the egg. I was lucky that River was there to explain it to him, or he would have freaked out enough for the both of us.

Thorn...I wish your memories would come back sometimes. You stress me out sometimes with not knowing our anatomy. But, by Sithis, I still love you.

Fucking Redoran.

I can't believe someone from Redoran is in town. I almost lost control when I confronted him yesterday. But, I managed to walk away before something bad happened. I haven't felt this bad since my capture...drank a bit too much.

Does he know about the mercenaries that captured me? Perhaps he knows about the one who hired them. If he shows back up in town, I'll have to confront them. I won't kill them...unless he was directly involved...but I thought I buried my past. But, I guess it came back to haunt me.

I did go to the Marsh with Thorn to lay our egg. It went surprisingly well. Not much else to say about it besides we spent time together and I learned a few more recipes. He joked about laying the next egg, but I like him the way he is. We will be back in a few months to witness the hatching. From there...I don't know...we didn't talk much about it yet. Would it be better to keep them there and go back every few months? Or should we bring them back to the grove and go back to the Marsh every few months?

For now...I need to confront the Redoran elf if he comes back into town.