Alena's Journal TOP SECRET DO NOT READ EVER

Middas, 12th of First Seed

When I was in the market at Skywatch I found this beautiful leather bound journal, upon seeing it I bought it instantly. I finally feel inspired to keep a personal journal again. It has been a long time since I kept a journal and much has changed. I think I’m fitting in here, I don’t feel like a failure at least. I didn’t feel like a failure in Craglorn either, but I’m glad I left. Nothing left but bittersweet memories.
I’m even homesick for Morrowind. I miss my sister and the times we played and joked around, her face would always light up. I even miss my brother, even after all that's happened between us, family is complicated. I love them all, I wish they knew that and I wish I showed it more. I wonder how mother and father are doing. They did nothing but berate and yell at me and at times worse. But they’re my family, the one’s I’m closest to. We have our problems, but I never acted out because of hatred, but because I wanted to grow into my own person! Not be preened into what they wanted me to be. My branches clipped and left in a room on display, like a common houseplant. I want to grow taller and spread my roots where I wish, unrestricted and free! Oh, but I’ve never been good at making deep connections, maybe I can finally grow past that here. Maybe.
On a less wistful note, my hair is short now. It was cut when a drunk Altmer tried to throw a knife at an apple I balanced on my head.(this was my own undoing, I challenged her to do it and refused to back out) I was a bit drunk too, I can’t quite remember if it got cut off in the throw or I just...made it look like it did. Ah well, I’ll be avoiding alcohol for at least a few days after that. I think I might be burping up bubbles still.

The writing of this entry would be very sloppy.

Well I found this old thing! Ha I only wrote one entry. Typical. Things are slow but I also got the guar dung beat out of me by Hloriella. I'm not mad, I deserve it. I've been seeing the world through the bottom of a bottle a lot more, just like father. It's been a hard time, don't know why, just has. I miss Hammerfell when I could study without worrying about supporting myself. As long as I was helpful and learning. I miss those times. I have many more friends but in the end I feel just as lonely. I gotta turn things around! Real quick! Need money. Gotta find a job, lucrative job. Quick job. I hear footsteps, just another person in the tavern. What time is it? Felt good to write, see you tomorrow journal! or in another few months.

The writing of this entry returned to Alena's normal, neat penmanship. gently stored in this spread of the journal was the notice Dalea had drawn up when Alena was missing.

Well I was right in the last entry, it's been perhaps a month or two since last writing. Life's changed a lot, and quickly. Some of it I won't ever to write down, and will allow for it to become a dull haze in the back of my head or gone completely. My time on Vvardenfell this time, although short, taught me much. I have to be ready for anything, and with that I will prepare. I believe Afer is still offering his training and I must absolutely take him up on that. I will keep up with the Hawks now too. A job is a job and gods I need it to keep busy and moving forward. It seems both Andur and Hloriella, in her odd ways, missed me as well! Aminos has some magical errands for me to run, that's good. More work and more learning. Things are looking up now that I'm back, and no more drinking.

I can't help but feel a certain level of relief that he's gone, for sure. Eight long years and he hadn't given up. I know this isn't the end. I hope it is, but there are always consequences for actions taken. But I am oceans and lands away from that place, with people who I can trust, for the most part. And those who I absolutely trust, I will defend and protect them with whatever I have, just as they've done for me. I swear that to you, journal!

THE MANIFESTO OF THE WELL PEOPLE

Deep below Shattered Grove, before Auridon was even fully settled by the Aldmer and they became Altmer, a small clan was shunned for various acts of violence and sacrilege. They were banished, pushed down into a system of caves spanning the whole of Auridon, possibly all of Tamriel! There they formed their own society and changed into their own race even! One day the surface shall now the glory that is...THE WELL PEOPLE.

THE WELL PEOPLE:
They are tall, pale and cryptic. Their social customs are cruel and crass compared to their siblings above the dirt. The well people subsist off of bugs and bio-luminescent plants and fungi, which they have taken to farming in large quantities. There numbers are small but they are patient with each other, but once a rule has been broken the punishment is swift! Death! I spent the past three weeks studying them, learning their customs and becoming an ambassador for them.

FALSE RUMORS:

• They are vicious and kill indiscriminately - They only kill when laws are broken and do not serve as a threat for the surface.
• They want to take over the surface - They fear the surface world and their skin is fragile. The sun would burn them. (No. They are not vampires.)
• THEY LIVE IN THE WELL - Although perhaps me calling them well people has lead to this rumor, I'd like to set it straight by saying they do not live in the well, but the cave system UNDERNEATH the well that has existed since before Shattered Grove. They sometimes leave presents within the well for surface dwellers but it seems they are never found....
• They like spriggans - Nah, they hate them.

I, Alena Rallul, shall be their ambassador and interpreter. I will make their presence known and that they strive for peace! I will collect proof that they exist. I have deeper writings on their culture but, I seem to have misplaced it in the move! I'll find it and prove them to be real. But I can't bring one up, too dangerous to them, the sun would hurt them and they are also afraid of the moons.

The damn weirdest thing happened in town. Dominion just marches on in and cancels funding for a whole town. That’s just so odd! I blame the streak of bad luck the town has. I bet that ruby is still mucking about somewhere causing problems. I’m sure things will pan out, it just means people need to rely on each other more and act neighborly. HA. NEIGHBORLY. At least I don’t have to travel for excitement. Gods it’s been so long since I’ve traveled. It’s nice settling down again. I do worry though, if it’s dangerous to do so.

At least my own luck hasn’t worsened. Making some good money lately; and Andur even offered to help me get this lovely, but run down, cottage fixed up. Yes yes that will be nice. I can practice my magic quietly and finally feel independent. I can only imagine my family’s reaction to all this! The look on their smug dunmer faces when I tell them all I’ve done. Their eyebrows might skew so high it hits their hairlines, especially mother. I wonder how she is.

I’m still training, not very frequently, but I’ll just tell anyone who asks I do it everyday. I had a fit when talking to Afer the night in Mathiisen. I want them to stop! But, my gods I saw Kashya lose it and it made what happened with me look like nothing. I think I helped, I mean, no one got stabbed so that counts. I’m a hero! I just said the things I tell myself, what helps me will help others! I think I’ve been helpful in town between pranks. Well People rumors are going strong. I need to finish dragging that sand from the beach....

Oh and that idiot kind of hot and maybe nice guy invited me to his camp. Oh boy, he says one just moronic thing I’m gone. But, you know, maybe having a little date will be nice? It will take my mind off more stressful events. Besides it can’t get worse than a bee flying up my nose.

One quick night, that’s all it was going to be. Already on the fence about the whole affair but I still went. Everything is all different now! This isn’t how I planned it to be! Perhaps I drank too much wine? No, I think I enjoyed myself. I thought it would just be a little bit of fun but, no, I think I’m beginning to feel things. New emotions; tenderness and care drift through my head and heart. No. I mask it with sarcastic quips and frustration. I just want to be held again, I never knew how much I just wanted someone to hold me tightly.

No one can know. Absolutely no one. But gods the mouth on that one he’s sure to let slip. And oh to be caught, I’ve never felt so flustered! I need more wine. Just a few more sips should be fine. At least that’s what I’ll keep saying until the bottle’s empty! No one will find out. There’s no room in this heart for love, just let everyone think I’m the well obsessed comedic relief. I just want peace not complexity. Or yet, I do?

What an ass.

Well I went to that party, it was mostly fun. I enjoyed the company and drinks. It was odd to be back in Morrowind and not feel an inescapable fear. It was there, but a whisper of what it usual was, the walls and towers of a friend's home kept them at bay. No one will find me here, I can be home in the land I was born in for once; I hate that I miss this place. I miss my family, though I wouldn't be surprised if there already was a bounty on my head. Oh, but the party!

Gavyn showed up without a top, I can't believe it. Just belching all over party-goers and making such nasty comments about my body! I take back everything written in my last entry, it was clear these were false positives! What did I ever see in him? It was clear it was the alcohol! Perhaps he even put something in it? Yes that's it, I'm not that much of a fool. That was over quick enough, I think I got my fun out of him and he the same for me. Now I'm just something he already had. Maybe it'll change?

No, it won't. It's foolish to think love exists. I've seen the loveless gazes my parents exchange, the quips and passive-aggressive remarks. Their love was a bargain, an act for heirs and nothing more. Perhaps mother was correct to burn my writings, prove to me how silly fantasies of genuine passion are, she just wanted to protect me. I'm fine on my own, I don't need to be held, I can stand alone, I'll have to all my life. It's time I focused on my studies again, rather than silly affairs!

Perhaps a trip to the market is in order for new tomes, plus I'm sure Aminos won't mind me poking through his library. Brush up on old concepts and devour new ones, I truly am myself when I'm alone in a library.

They have her. They have her.

It's all my fault. I wasn't careful, I didn't think. I couldn't think my brain was so...muddied at the time. I still barely remember it all. But no, no matter what I will right this wrong. It's my duty to fix it. The poor girl, she must be horrified; I'm horrified. I dislike the idea of returning to the terrible land of my birth, but I must. It seems no matter how much I try and distance myself from that place, I'll always be pulled back.

No, this time I'm not alone. I feel confident, comforted. He held me and I felt something, something new, safety in someone else. The warmth of another person, knowing they care for you. I'm sorry to bring you into my troubles, but I will do what I must. I should finish preparing. I'll need to get supplies, oh and I still have that debt...I must pay it before I leave or I will return to more troubles.

Town is a mire of troubles speaking of, but I care for them there. Perhaps once I sort this out I can help sort out the town. I'm sure it will work out, it always does. Time moves forward dragging us all along for better or worse. Sometimes people fall behind, or leave us, but, they're never really gone. I won't forget you. You're never really alone. A tree never stands alone in a forest, we are a collective of trees forming a...unique forest, but a strong and vibrant one I'm sure. I promise to return to Auridon.

there were a few tear stains on this page, along with pressed flowers included in this spread.

I failed. I’ve failed. I let her down. The poor sweet girl, her kindness and innocence is gone. She only wanted to help all and spread her love of the Three. Her curiosity never quenched always asking questions now matter how annoying it got. She didn’t deserve it, should have been me. I’ll make some tribute to her. Gods what about mother and father? Do they know? Do I dare tell them. I can’t think about it. I don’t want to.

I have to go back. Maybe not now, I see it’s foolish now, I wouldn’t accomplish anything. His words are etched, no, scratched into my head. Now that I’ve had time to think I know I can’t go back without a plan, or information. I will return. And I swear I will not forget, I won’t let this go as long as I live. I hate this. It hurts to think now. I just need more sleep.

I’m just glad I’m not alone anymore.

It’s been rough there isn’t any sugar coating it. But I think I’m finally on the up and up. It’s not healthy to stagnate on things. I am going to focus wholly on this daedra problem with the town. I won’t allow that monster to hurt anyone else! Not if I can help it. I have to be able to do something right.

Seems Dalea has it rough right now too. I’m going to help her! I have to. Today I will begin looking over the notes she gave me. I know how she feels, and I can’t sit on my hands mopping! I have to march on!

This poor cat now, he’s something else. I woke up this morning with his face shoved right in mine but the second I went to pet the boy he darted away from me and under the bench. I try hand feeding him meat but all he does is scratch up my fingers. Is this normal? He’s probably very scared still, after all he’s all shaved! I haven’t noticed any fur growing back yet. I hope he doesn’t have some sort of feline balding illness...His name is Goblin and it’s very fitting I’d say. Gavyn said he looks like one after all! I think it’s cute.

The ruby managed to turn up again. Honestly, I had thought it disappeared forever, I suppose this should be of no surprise that it's back. I plan on taking up the responsibility of repairing it, especially since I've learned how. The real difficulty will be finding the rest of it. And frankly, I don't even know what repairing it will do, but, hopefully it will help calm the ill fortune of the town. I will admit, I am curious about the thing, it's enchantment is strong and complex. Maybe I can figure it out, perhaps I can learn from repairing it. Yes. That is my goal.

My second goal, after helping Dalea find Aminos. I can see the concern all over her, it hurts seeing her so upset. I have to help get him back, I can't let anyone down, not again. I'm at least a bit more familiar with sigil stones and after pouring over the notes I have some directions. I have to read things over again, take my own notes based off what he has written and cross reference them from own collection, but I might be able to crack this. Maybe if Ciel helps, it will go faster. And if he doesn't help I'll just paralyze him! See how he likes it.

I hope I’m really close to getting Aminos back soon! I just...I’m not cut out for leading. It feels as if nothing I do is respected in town and with the Mystics. I’m scoffed at “oh that’s just Alena being Alena” it’s starting to feel like I’m back at my parents place. I know what I’m doing damn it, I do! I just feel so lost...I don’t know how to prove myself without just becoming someone I’m not. If I wasn’t willing to do that in Morrowind I won’t do it here. But Gods I’m at my wits end with this. I just want to be taken seriously. It hurts knowing they think so little of me.

I've stepped down leading the Mystics of the Grove, I have many other things floating through my life to focus on. I'm keen to get the director position, and my competition isn't terribly tough. I doubt Cantose winning, but who knows. People's hearts can say different things than their mouths. They might just all vote for him and be lying to me. It's possible. Lilin has been helping spread word, and even Andur put up a notice. That honestly surprised me, not in that I didn't think he cared about me, but that I didn't think he cared about the election.

It makes me feel valued seeing people help, but it could be a front too. You never know. But no, I will push away the paranoia and believe they have honest intentions. I care for improving the town, I have the will and know how! Cantose isn't a total idiot, though many think he is. He's very unattached from morals, or at least the morals of most in town. But he made a good point at the party with Estre. I will have no luck on the low road. I kept trying to be my mother to win, but if I do that, haven't I really lost? She's a bitch, I don't want to be a bitch. I'll be transparent in what I want to do.

Dalea has been on the up in up in her spirits, I feel bad things have been drawn on so long but we are so close! She has taken over the tavern which is great. Maybe I can get a discount! I should get her some sujamma to sell. Everyone seems to gravitate to that as far as Morrowind drinks go, I still prefer Greef, not as high brow but that doesn't matter. Speaking of high brow, I've managed to acquire some fancy-ass wine! Old as shit. Going to give it to Andur. Poor guy needs a good drink.

I left for only a moment with Ciel and town was in chaos when I returned. Cantose was right, they need to be taught common sense. I'm concerned. I should have been there as a leader, at least if I want to be. There's just..so much! Always so much! I was helping Lillin, the poor girl was a mess but then I saw Gavyn bleeding and I got worried. I can't lose him. I need him. I don't want to be alone, I hate it. Apparently the dinner party was a rouse. I'm not all that shocked, I was on the fence about going. I don't know how Estre ended up wounded or what. And Karitaes too. It was a mess. I focused on Gavyn, if I tried to focus on everyone I'd scream and pull all my hair out on the spot. Or just shave it again.

Why do I want to be director? Can I even help? I have to. I can't let anything like this happen again. Something about daedra...perhaps the town should be taught banishment spells. Or at least some of the guard. We shouldn't have to arm the damn town, but something has to be done. Those who do not learn the spell will be given scrolls. We must be prepared. The guard should have perpetration for magical phenomena. I'll speak with Karitaes once she is well. And Burdens. Teach them to be prepared for situations that could arise. I'm sure they won't be receptive but considering how things went, it's needed. It would be a good exercise anyway to have mages and guards work in tandem on this. I'll add this to my plans. Then I'll wrap up my notes and writing on saving Aminos. Sleep...I'm tired. No. Stay awake.

Myself...myself....how am I? I forget how I am. I feel numb. Good numb, then bad numb, then the cycle repeats. Everyone is out to get me and now Estre. I don't fear her, especially with how easy she was wounded. I don't think I said a single thing the trip home from town to my house. It's warm, the fire is going, Gavyn is in bed waiting and Goblin lays out stretched on the bench. I forgot to get the stain out. He won't see. He's a fool. He's my fool. Sometimes he seems simple, but he's just...himself. I should go to bed, I'll feel better in the morning. Hopefully the others do as well.

I'm Director of the town now. It really wasn't that much work to get the job, just pestered everyone, but I had help. And I didn't have to resort to the tactics my mother taught me. The battle of words, striking with subtle comments and hidden intentions. I tried, but it felt so wrong every time. That's not why I'm here, and it's not why I ran. Now it's time to start the real work. I'm going to do my darn best at this. If only my mother was here! Actually, no, I'm glad she isn't "Congratulations, you're the head of some backwater town of a bunch of slack-jaw mer and betmer. If you wanted that I could have tried to get you to marry a Dres man." That's what she would say, and then take a long drag of that gods damned pipe as she looked at me with disappointment through half lidded eyes. That looks of someone tired, someone whose given up their soul for empty ambitions. That's not me. My spirit is full and my ambitions are pure. I..they are pure Things I have done don't matter, I'm doing right by people now. At least the only people that matter to me.

It's a lot of responsibility and sure I already feel stretched thing, but I can do this. I have to. It good to be busy. I'm in over my head. No I'm not! I think that, but I'm not. It's crazy. Everyone voted for me. But I have this nagging feeling, what if they only voted for me to fail? They put me on the tower and knock me down for fun. What if the whole town is in on it? No.

I wonder how my brother is doing. Phareeni. He was a soldier last I knew. My thoughts often drift to Morrowind. Mother and Father. I don't care how the current head of the house is. My older brother never cared for me unless it was convenient. Llulandris was trying to conceive last I knew. I hope she had luck. If she does, there's a chance me and Gavyn can. We have to use what Estre gave me. It was nice of her to still give it to me after the tension we have. I don't care about telling others her secrets, doubt she got that through her beautiful but thick skull.

The one sibling I can never stop thinking about is Mareeni. I got to see her one last time. I was so out of it, but she was the same. The little girl, happy and kind, who I played with the most. Brother was already focused on starting his own family, and Andy was man-crazy. Her and Phareeni were my closest siblings. I'll remember her that way she was the last time I truly saw her. I've put some flowers in a vase and set some small things up on a bookshelf. All I need is the patch back.

AND OF COURSE! I'm going to end this damn entry on a happy note. Aminos has returned. It had only been several hours for him. I'm so glad. It was successful. All that work. The look in Dalea's eyes when they reunited. How closely she kept to him. I feel full. I'm so glad they're together, and I'm glad he wasn't just a skeleton in a random realm of Oblivion! Or worse! Good to have my friend around again. Gotta catch him up on the going-ons.

A spider daedra crawled out of the well. Scared the gray right out of my skin! I always make jokes about well people but never did I expect anything to come crawling out. I still have spider bites on my buttocks but they’re healing. Though there are more pressing matters than my rear, like the fact more than a few townspeople got hurt and that it possessed a shard of the ruby. THE RUBY. Not any old gem but the cursed object. I have it. I need to speak with Lilin and make use of the device Kashya left behind. I also must show it to Aminos and speak with him. His well of knowledge on ayleid magic and relics is far deeper than mine. GET IT? WELL? I crack myself up. A strategic plan of action should be devised. I must collect the rest of the cursed shreds of shiny. Hmm...This gives me an idea. An idea I will not put to parchment.

My days and nights are busy. I do not see Gavyn as much. I don’t see many people as much. But I like the feeling of accomplishment. I can see my work pay off and it feels right. I know people scoff at my joking but it really helps lighten the load! If you can’t laugh how do you get rid of the bad feelings in your life? A prank here or there or a well placed joke is healthy. I do not need to be serious all the time if I get the job done. And that I’m confident I do.

My paranoia grows worse. I hear footsteps where there are none. Hot breath against my neck when I am alone. A vase fell over the other day and I jumped poor Goblin so bad that he hid in corner! I gave him pumpkin and chicken chunks and he forgave me. Sometimes he looks like an uncooked chicken when he tucks his legs under himself while sleeping! It’s rather cute. Auridon doesn’t get terribly cold but I must get him a little sweater! A little sweater for my raw chicken cat.

there is a little doodle of a raw chicken but it’s head is Goblin. It has a sweater.

I spoke with Estre at length yesterday, and it didn't turn into a fist fight or her belittling my existence! It was pleasant and she's dating a human too. All those nasty remarks, I bet they were just veiled expressions of her own worries. I don't even know how old Gavyn is. He looks around my age. I won't worry on it. Frankly I'd prefer if he's younger, that means I get to spend more time with him. She gave me more of those vials. This time I'm not going to use them. I have them saved away. I have things I have to finish, things I must quit. I won't tell Gavyn, it won't hurt if I don't.

She mentioned Morrowind in our conversation, an appreciation of the culture. It got me thinking of home. Sometimes when I close my eyes and pull the covers over my face I can feel myself back in my childhood bedroom. The candle in my lantern burning slow and whatever latest book I was reading tucked next to me. My family, the whole family, is there. The twins in the room across from me, my younger sister staying up late to watch the stars with whatever boy has caught her fancy that week. My older brother up late helping mother. I think of the mushrooms towering everywhere much like the trees do in Auridon. The guards and their chitinous armors patrolling the streets. The trips to Balmora and Mournhold. All the merchants selling exotic and exciting goods. The sounds of nix, the peeprs, and even the somber silt strider's call forming a late night orchestra just for me. Then, suddenly, it's gone as I open my eyes. I'm sitting in the stone house a continent away.

Dear diary do not take it that I do not appreciate what I have cultivated here. This house is my own. I did not buy it with my family's money, nor was it given to me. Everything here, well, nearly everything, I have bought or earned. I started out living in a tent with nobody and barely anything. I've grown over this year so much, and I would be a damn fool to want to say I wish I never left home. My family, though I miss them, does not bat an eyelash at my disappearance, none besides Mareeni. Their desire to marry me to that putrid fiance. All the social gatherings, just an excuse to shoot the shit and insult each other. I could never tell if they hated or liked each other. Perhaps if I was just born a simple farmer. Then, yes, I might have stayed.

Grandmother often told me her stories. Born a farmer's daughter. A whirlwind romance with an ashlander before marrying, well, another, richer farmer! Estre's tale reminded me of that! The secret only I know about mother. So scandalous! My mother part ashlander but grandmother never dared tell her. My grandmother's worship of Azura. I carry on the torch for her, but I must get my necklace back. I am not whole without it. We shared a name and much more. I still have her letter, I will never lose it! Maybe one day I'll go back and try to find my real grandfather, that could be exciting. Another adventure, perhaps one I could share with Gavyn.

I've found the will to pick up the pen again. I've let my work fall behind, but i can catch up. The rest has helped. Gavyn's moved in, it's nice but odd. It's been a long time since I've shared a roof with another person. But I like it. Him and Goblin keep me company. I'm finding my stride again, I think. But it's hard.

I'm taking a step back from the baby idea, for a month or so. I'll tell Gavyn. I want...to be better. I'd still like to have a child with him, I really would, especially now that he's under the same roof. I just need some time.

I got a good turn out for the Crow's Keep, however. I must summon the Pied Knave again. I found a spot for it to scout out. Once I'm ensured it's safe enough we will set out. I will keep the crow's safe on our adventures. It won't be like that last group of treasure hunters. Especially since I have no interest in dragging them into Dwemer ruins.

The mystics were tasked with retrieving books stolen from us. It felt good to help, and to work my magic and leave a trap. I feel in control with my magic, I know what I'm doing. I needed that feeling desperately. I'm curious to see how this pans out!

A goblin supposedly made its way into town. And even more it somehow tugged at the heartstrings of the townfolk. I fucking hate that Cantose was right. Do these people not have common sense? That THING is not a person. It is a monster. Speaking and feigning intelligence? That’s all it takes. I suppose they’d murder for talking squirrel them. Why did I want to be director? I speak up and just get called out because I’m dunmer. The nerve! I’ve come a long way. But goblins? Sympathizing with one is a quick way to a shallow grave. One wandered near my home. It was eyeing Grave like it found its next meal and I zapped that thing so damn hard it disintegrated. As it should be.

After all that I spoke with Estre. She is far more...feeling...than I thought. I feel bad for her. I hope her human comes back soon so she can be happy. I’d be beside myself without Gavyn now. It’s surprising how quick that’s happened.

That Veldus character around town is unusual. A regular dunmer merchant type. I’ve got my eye on him. He’s taken an interest in Hlor. It’s obvious. I’ve been pushing him to make move. Admittedly this is all to help Andur. Andur needs a shove. And maybe if he sees a threat he’ll get off his yellow ass and DO SOMETHING.

Bye bye tooth. Lost it somewhere in town when Gavyn handed me a pebble. That’s fine. I’m mad at Hlor. But she’s mad at me. I wish I could have explained more. My jaw hurt like hell and she knocked a tooth out! It took effort to speak and what I said wasn’t good enough. She banned me from the Hawks. I’ll just speak to Andur! Hopefully once she’s calmed I can speak with her. I shouldn’t have taken that punch for Estre. She shouldn’t have said what she did. And saying that’s how it is? What a bold excuse to hide a fear of change. She spoke to me about missing her human for two months and how her heart ached. Did she not think for a moment that Hlor lives that way for the rest of her life? I’m so mad at both of them. I shall speak to them both. Separately.

Walked home with Gavyn. That was nice. I like that he’s moved in. I’m working on those habits of his. Already had to burn two pairs of dirty socks he left laying around to prove a point. Not to mention he keeps trying to bring his chicken to bed with him. Must be a farm thing. I wouldn’t know. Mother barely let me near the guar for the carts. Goblin did try to eat his ‘Lady’. Poor Goblin just didn’t get second lunch.

My ribs are still sore but at least I can adventure again. Went with the Crows Keep and we found treasure before some of the less seasoned explorers began throwing fire around. You know. IN A TIGHT SPACE WITH MANUSCRIPTS. Then the spirit erupted into flames. Centuries of knowledge lost. But we got some of it! Yes some of it was saved so a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m still bitter about it. Dumb ghost. Can’t hog it now, can it?

I tried. I can say that at least! Oh I’ve tried and tried. Thinks she can ban me from the clinic? Her words don’t work. She says my words mean nothing then hers mean even less. Speaking and arguing in circles is pointless. The fact she’d lead me on with false hope? Despicable. I’m not even sure if she was really doing it to be kind or cruel. If she’s got relationship problems and obsession with a man ready to jump ship NOT MY PROBLEM, BUD.

Got the new fake tooth! Just like the old one, but new! No more food getting stuck. I need to double back and check that trap from the mages! I’ve got a strong feeling.

A letter from home. It’s in my hands. I don’t know HOW but she knows where I am. I know it’s from her. I didn’t even bother to read it. It’s likely a lecture or some bullshit. I’m here and not under her thumb; the things she wants with me are of little value. I tore it in two and burned it promptly. No mother, I want nothing to do with you or the Rallul house dream. I’ve made something here far better.

The town had its yearly Old Life festival. It’s a nice sentiment but not really my taste. I went anyway, despite my hesitations. Gavyn was already passed out after making dinner! I let him rest and went alone. Of course not before drawing on his face. I hope the ink washes out easy! It was quiet and went by quick. People said their bits, did their crying and remembering, being all touchy feely and so open with emotions. Sad for those they miss or longing for home. I dislike that we need to pick a time and feel that was ON PURPOSE to remember our loved ones! Time is better spent moving on and being active in our memory of them. Do something good! Or fun! Just not sit and steep in sadness.

I suppose I’m one to talk. I wrote her name and put it in the box but I didn’t light a candle for my sister. Not until she can rest easy. I thought it was over. I was wrong, it’s never as you think it to be in this world isn’t it? I’ll do something for her that she would like. I’ll plant some flowers and watch them grow in her name. Or perhaps find a way to sneak into Vvardenfell and donate to the tribunal. She was too young too innocent and it was too cruel. The guilt might eat me alive if I was all alone. I’m glad I’m not alone anymore. I have my friends. I have Gavyn. I’m so glad I stayed.

Have to scout those ruins again. Make sure it’s safe. I’ll get the crow to help. It should be fine. I’ll make sure to meet on a day we will have the biggest numbers!

I didn’t think Cantose had the word sorry in his vocabulary. Is the world soon going to turn to ice or will Tamriel fall into the sea? Time will tell. But Lilin is growing up quick. Really quick. She’s taller than me! Not that I’m tall unfortunately. Do dunmer have growth spurts into their 20s and 30s? I hope so!!

Alena’s Musings:

I’ve been thinking a lot on my time in the lands of men. I don’t talk about it to many very often. I don’t see a need, but I think I’d like to write on it, just a bit.

Two days walk away from Elinhir. There was a small village near by where we’d collect any necessities and Mithlas knew how to summon portals anyhow, so the occasional trip further wasn’t uncommon and fairly easy. I took a brief interest in portal magic, but never had the talent for it. After attempting to open a portal and seeing the rat I sent through rendered in half, I didn’t dare try again.

Elinhir was always fun to visit. I especially liked seeing the towers and other mages. I didn’t go often however, maybe four or five times in total before it wasn’t safe. Craglorn was an interesting area but I didn’t go exploring, really. I stayed within the walls of the small laboratory and home. This is especially true as Tamriel descended into chaos. It even came to a point where we almost exclusively used his portals for travel beyond the nearby village, which wasn’t often.

Mithlas taught me most of what I know about magic, daedrology, and altmeris. He was a dedicated scholar who seemed like he had a kind heart. I miss him, but don’t like to discuss him. I haven’t even told anyone about my time in the reaches of Hammerfell, closer to Skyrim and Cyrodiil really. It was a quiet existence, exactly what Mithlas wanted. He had a protege to teach and I had a teacher, and a father figure who didn’t drink all day and had half a brain. But, there was something darker in him. He left Summerset because of the society. The pressures to be perfect made him snap. In the dusk of his life he told me the real reason he ran. Murder. Another mage botched an experiment of his and it drove him to the grips of madness. Mithlas said what he did scared him, but also freed him of the shackles of perfection. He was always nice to me but it felt odd. Off. Something about him was always off. He always looked as if he was simply putting on a face, faking how he felt, even to himself. In a way, it reminded me of mother. I did teach him to loosen up! Laugh and have fun. He said having me around made the days go by faster.

We met in Skyrim. I went there to study the magic there, oddly enough! But I fell into a rut. Never being on my own I ended up drinking and causing chaos! I slept in the barn I worked at; shoveling and raking horse shit. One particular bender he met me, hanging upside down from a roof I had apparently gotten onto using a combination of odd spells. He helped me down and I followed him home. Telling him of my past must have tugged at his own memories and he took me on as a protégé

Mithlas was a strict teacher. I had to practice and to prove my commitment. He wouldn’t let me in the house until I finished my morning exercises. But I never was unwilling(that’s a lie you don’t wake up every fucking morning willing to have a bucket of cold water tossed at you)! I was hungry for knowledge(and bread, now I want some). He taught me so much and is the reason I’m adept at my spellweaving. But, there were things he taught me that perhaps I best not write, even privately. He was responsible with the magic he used, and it had a practical purpose. Near the end, his mind started faltering. He spoke nonsense and shut himself away. Though there were several nights I awoke to him hovering above my bed. It wasn’t until I saw a knife in his hand one of those nights I became truly terrified. He was different. All it took was one failed ritual to mess him up so terribly, proving the dangers of magic. He slept horribly, sometimes not at all. Mithlas became emaciated and frail, beginning to have fits of raw emotion. Something had to be done.

I have his ashes. I intend to deliver them to his family one day. It’s been over a year and I still haven’t done it. I don’t know if I can face them. I wonder if I’d even have any luck getting onto Summerset to meet them. Oh it will be so weird! I just show up with a jar of ashes and boldly claim “here’s your dead father! He may have abandoned you and also murdered someone but here! Sorry for the loss, cya!” Yeah. I’d need to be nice. Should I befriend them first? No that’s even weirder. That’s a problem for future Alena.

Yeah so things happened quick. Got a damn ICE SPIKE stuck in my thigh because of careless magic. I’m so ANGRY STILL. I’m going to have to miss Hawks again and rest. Infuriating. Why are they so simple minded? “Oh yeah ice opposite of fire I burn now hur hur.” They make me want to PULL ALL MY HAIRS OUT.

I’ve taken a moment to calm myself to continue writing. I’ll come up with a set of rules on magic. Must be done it seems. But then a surprising return. Kashya. I never saw the corpse so who am I to say. I’m actually not mad? I don’t care. She had her reasons. I just know she could do it again easily. Well she’s back at least and I guess it makes me feel better for not running for director. I have other things I wish to do and running a ledger and such are NOT my passion. I only did this to appease someone not even here. WHAT. EVER.

Had an outing with Veldus. Gods that man got drunk so quick it was kind of sad. Poor guy. He needs to find someone, he seems lonely. And homesick. Too bad! He will adjust with time. I did! I’m glad I left Morrowind. There’s so much in the world to see and learn. I’d like to learn what I can while I can. Perhaps I can travel more now.

GAVYN IS HOME! So that’s good. I’m happy about that. Town is a mess! But not my mess soon. Oh I can’t wait. I can really crack down on studies of magic and work towards teaching!

I'm really very excited about this artifact the Crows found. I've been mulling around at home mostly, came to town shortly yesterday but honestly even that was pushing it. It has given me some time to research this key stone, though I will need to make a venture somewhere to get more information on nordic ruins, runes, nordic language, and such. It's been a while since I've been to Skyrim. I am not looking forward to cold. Absolutely not.

I think this key might open something. Oh, I can't believe I wrote that. Sounds dumb. Oh well, whoever reads my diary some centuries in the future next to a skeleton who died doing something stupid, don't judge me for this, okay? Oh right. Opening something. It's a fish so that has to have meaning. Perhaps near a water source? I will think on it and do more research! Adrian found a paper trail on those nord mercenaries, which is good. Perhaps I can track whoever was after this and find out why! Oh I'm sure they'll be relieved to hear we set fire to his hired help and stole his artifact. Absolutely pleased as plums. Meh, maybe if I make an artifact to charm him he'll talk! Or we could paralyze him with a spell until he talks! Or trick him into thinking we are returning it. Hmm.....

I guess he's really beat up over this...I feel bad. but I can not admit I am wrong. I am not! He doubts my capabilities and I can not let him get away with that so easily. It's upsetting. Much has happened so quick. I wish things could be simple and peaceful. I've grown jumpy again, as I was after the incident near Sadrith Mora.

But I am not director anymore and that's GREAT. I was so sick of baby sitting and keeping things running. I just wanted to live my life at peace. I only did it to show off that BITCH of a mom. She never even knew. Whatever!

The rest of the journal is unintelligible and partially written in dunmeri

Exciting days I can finally go from drinking my sorrows back to happy drinking. After a fraught-full revelation about my own brother I have seen things safe and as usual with help! I got to go back to my childhood home in a weird way. I wish I had the chance to sneak in and take more trinkets and items I miss. Like grandfather Teral’s carving knife or the silk dress my grandmother promised me that mother stole. But items matter less than people and I got my two people back from the house of dunmeri horror.

Relationship melodrama aside, I finally have a new staff. It’s powerful and full of old Magic. It fights me with a will and rhythm and it excites me. I’m sure it will amplify my magic in time and perhaps even aid in casting spells! Sure it’s origin is less than perfect but. I didn’t plant the tree so no harm no foul, just taking what was probably going to be used for EVIL. And I am NOT evil. Nah. If I was evil my laugh would be wicked.

I’ve befriended the oddest crow. He does not wish to pick at the carcass I offered it. It hasn’t even rotted much yet! So rude. And it has interest in treasures; but merely gold trinkets. I even found the loveliest river smoothed pebbles and it rejected them. Into my pebble box they go. The crow makes for an interesting study though. He’s extremely friendly which is nice change. Had this been a typical crow my fingers would have been pecked and he’d demand sweet meats from me every few hours. Loudly.

Things have turned around. I feel genuinely good and at ease! It will change again one day, but for now I revel in the simplest of joys I have.

I finally found you diary! hiding amongst my books. I've recovered everything from the home in Auridon and moved it over. This new house is nice, it's got more space. Perhaps me and Gavyn could raise a child here. I like the quiet nights, just us. No one else, we can talk but sometimes not even, just existing in his company is his pleasure. Though sometimes he opens his mouth and I just want to smack that dumb face of his!

But I write the things that have happened since I last gazed upon the pages of this journal. For starters, I was arrested. Impersonating a high ranking deceased official and forging paperwork. I got too cocky and thought it would be fine, no one would notice or care! How wrong. I hated my time in that small filthy cell. I kept asking them remove the damn dead read and when I tried to burn it away they put worse cuffs on! I'm thankful Gavyn busted me out. Then I spent some time wandering Elsweyr as a khajiit! It was interesting for a while but I grew bored of it, and worried if I tried it too long my cover would be busted badly, so I blew my own cover while in the new town. Ah yes, the little community from Shattered Grove moved to Elsweyr! Something about an abandoned town, or supposedly abandoned. Hey it works and it's not too bad.

I'm continuing to practice my magic, that hasn't changed. But what has changed is Gavyn proposed! We will be wed. I plan on traveling back to Morrowind with him, to the ancestoral tomb. I want my grandmother's spirit to meet him. I was taught by my grandmother how to commune with the spirits. MY mother didn't want me to learn, I wasn't worthy of such an honor, as the family disappointment, but my grandmother saw promise in me. MY brother learned it but he was never good. He sent one of the ancestor spirits into a rage once, the spirit still wanders the halls. Perhaps me putting an end to that will make my ancestors favor me? Who fucking knows.

I still have the dreams. I want them to go away, I don't think they will. I hate it. Once I even hurried myself to Lu's home just to make sure...it wasn't real. And it wasn't. Thank god. But I can push the past aside when I'm awake, at least. I'm thankful for that.

It is official, me and Gav will make a trip to Morrowind soon. A full fledged trip, planned carefully and everything. Returning for longer than a moment or for hasty rescue, or kidnapping. It won't be a long trip I think. Just a few nights in a town, avoiding my family, and then going to the ancestral tomb to commune with my grandmother's spirit. Hopefully she can shed a light on what dark bargains my mother made when she had children.

I've asked, foolishly, for Cesare and Hloriella to watch the animals. I should have just asked someone else. My go to was Andur but he is, well, gods know. That's something I won't dwell on. They should be fine. Goblin is fairly self sufficient seeing there's always food and water. Lady isn't a bad rooster but...if he became a dinner while my guests watch the house....oops!

I'm nervous, very nervous; but I think things will go okay. Of all my relatives and ancestors tied to me, my grandmother's spirit will be the most willing to give me aid. We had a good bond in life, and I have her necklace still, thank the gods. The fucking beast stole it once but I have NEVER let it become lost again.

On a more pleasant note I'm excited to experience my culture again! And to introduce Gavyn to it! I have no idea what he'll think but I'm sure he'll have fun. I'm very excited for this! And nervous! Nervouscited!