Introspective Thoughts — Lilin's Journal

A small, leatherbound journal sits in Kashya's satchel, carried by a pensive and solemn Lilin. The front of the Journal is decorated with the intricate calligraphy of "Kashya S. Vulano," but the pages are blank, suggesting this was an unused notebook. Its contents have been filled in by Lilin.

16th of Hearthfire
Entry #1 -

I haven't seen much of anyone lately. Miss Estre and uncle Renma hung out a lot but uncle Renma has been pretty quiet at home lately. I've been staying at Mother's house by myself since Renma bought a new house but he tries to make me stay with him a lot. I have another bedroom there.

I'm not really good at writing stuff.

17th of Frostfall
Entry #2 -

Writing is so hard to do when you have so much stuff going on. I don't know how mom did it. Alena has been helping me a lot, though. She's really cool. I was mad at her before, though. I was mad at everyone. Cantose said mom attacked him without any word, but I'm gonna ask Estre tomorrow. She was there, she's gotta know what happened.

I got a dagger from the guy that Alena's mages were looking at, today. Well, they were looking at his house. There were burned bodies in there, and I almost threw up. I don't know how people can be mean to each other like that. The dagger is bright blue on the sharp sword-part, and the handle is black. There's letters carved into it, too. "M.H." is are the initials. I wonder who he was. I can see why mom would wanna kill bad people. If they're gone, then bad people can't hurt good people.

Sometimes, I think about killing bad people. And I wonder if that makes me bad, too.

28th of Frostfall
Entry #3 -

I know why it was so hard for you, now. In the thick of fighting, it is so easy to make a mistake, and hurt people you love. Or, even people you simply don't want to hurt. People you want to protect. Maybe you attacked Cantose in the heat of the moment because you were trying to help everyone else, and didn't want to see anyone else get hurt. Or...maybe miss Estre is telling the truth, and you did try to arrest Cantose first. I know you made a lotta mistakes before that, though. Mistakes that got people hurt.

I see how it's so easy to do that.

I'm not gonna give up. I need to get more practice. Lifts will help me. Miss Burdens says I need to get training from him if I can learn to use the dagger I got. He's gotta help me. I hope.

29th of Evening Star — (One Day before the Old Life Festival)
Entry #4 -

I never knew what to think of you two. Dad, you had the roots of an oak tree, and mother, you had his leaves. Both of you were rooted in very little, though; you swayed with one another in the wind, threatening to creak, crack, and tip over due to your curiosity and need to be heroes, or villains. Something to encapsulate your minds with vigor, mythical stories, and tales of absolute grandeur. It earned you a harsh descent into madness, but if I were to ask either of you if you regretted it, I know you would say you didn't.

I miss you both.

23rd of Mid Year
Entry #4 -

I don't like writing sometimes. I talk to Canvaroth a lot, instead. He's a good listener. Dogs are really good listeners. Miss Alena helped me get him back a few months ago when I thought mom was still dead. She's alive. But I ain't won't write about that. We talked and I gave her a good piece of my mind. What she did was bad, but she's still my mom.

Which makes me think about dad a lot.

Mom thinks I'm still really young, but I'm old enough to have a job and fend for myself. I learned that when I was all alone. I'm already fifteen, and I can do a lot of stuff better than other kids. I don't really know any other kids, but I'm sure I could do a lot better than them. Finding Father is something I'd be really good at. And I'm gonna do that. I think mom is dating someone now. I can't let that happen. Once she sees dad's alive, she'll change her mind. I know she will.

I got my bag packed full of all the stuff I'll need to get by. If mom can do it, I can do it. Next stop's Summerset.

25th of Sun's Height
Entry #5 -

I proved everyone wrong a couple days ago. I really found Father. I spent all my savings to chase the lead I had, and it paid off! And even better yet, Mother decided to come with us too. I hope Seiverin's not too upset. He seems like a nice person. But I'm glad mother came to her senses. We're a full, three-person family again. I'm sure Seiverin's going to find someone to make him happy, like Mother has with Father and I.

I've been working on stuff in the lab a lot during the day. Father is still as great a teacher as I remember, and I've been branching out. When he wasn't around, I put all my specialization into my lightning. It's my best. I could challenge anyone in town except Father to a lightning-slinging match and come out on top. I shouldn't get cocky, though. I still have a lot to learn.

I think Father sees me as young and immature, still. I'm not, though. Look at all I had to do when I was all alone! I di Actually...I don't want to write about that. I had to do a lot of stuff I'm not really proud of. I hope I didn't hurt anyone too much.

At night, I sneak into Mother's alchemy lab attached to their room and look through the garden. She's got a lot of stuff in there. She taught me about some of it, like glowing fungi and really basic stuff you'd see growing in Auridon, but there's a lot of unique stuff in there too I've never seen. The world's really weird. It's full of stuff to work with, and everything's unique in its own little way.

I hope I'm unique.