A Black Journal <Jel>

When you open these pages and wonder why would someone would write this down as you read, it's not that I want to get caught. Nor do I want those around me to be harmed. It's due to the burden of secrecy I must carry and only letting a few in my inner circle know is painful. It's difficult to socialize when everything about you is a lie and so I spill my thoughts on paper to keep my sanity in check. So for that one person that manages to find this journal somehow, and somehow get it translated by a trustworthy Saxhleel...then congratulations...you have a journal of a criminal.

My journey started early in life as I was brought in at a young age to train as a Shadowscale. Not everyone would wish this, nor did all those born under the sign make the cut. However, I do it for my people. We are shielded, yet very vulnerable to outside forces. That is the reason Shadowscales exists. I will not bore you with the training, but once I was old enough, I started my life bound to the Shadowscales. I can't really explain how we choose our targets, some are obvious, others not so much. However, we must agree that it's to the benefit to our egg-brothers and sisters.

I've been killing for awhile and each one a challenge. Have I had missteps? Sure...I've been stabbed, cut, bruised, and burned. But, what matters is that the job is done and you come back alive. I've enjoyed the challenge and enjoyed it for years.

However, life does take some interesting turns eventually, and I would begin a new phase in my life.

Some may ask how I deal with family when you live a second life. Luckily, we are blessed with the fact that our family knows from the start. The tougher question is how do you keep your family away from such things. One of my egg-sisters would get into it with some of the other perspective Shadowscales. Luckily she's really good in a fight, but I worried that her life could have ended early. Luckily, we managed to avoid that and went our separate ways for a time.

However, she did tend to get into trouble a lot. Almost killed a few villagers with her rage, but she had good teachers and vented her anger elsewhere. However, she disappeared for a few years. I had to beg to get permission to investigate it, but after a few months, I found out she was captured by mercenary filth. I formulated a plan and broke her free. I killed those that stood in her way and fished her out and healed her when she got away.

I still remember those scars. Thank Sithis that she's a brute and it didn't damage her fighting skills too badly. But, I stayed close to her to this day. Luckily, I've found work and my other family approved of me working far away from home, but I will ensure that she doesn't go through that again. I can't stop her from fighting other things, but I can prevent what that monster did to her. I would go after the elf that did it, but they are too close to Morrowind for comfort, but my sources are keeping an eye out for them.

You may ask "How does a Shadowscale mix in a love life and free time?" The answer to that is carefully when you have the time. We tend to travel a lot and it doesn't leave much time for such things, especially if you don't have much time with the family. However, I'll just say if you put in the time, and with some luck, you could be blessed with having a less risky position in our family.

When I stood close to my sister, I had some difficulty adjusting to normal life. I didn't quite get the message of "Don't wear menacing armor in a town if you're staying awhile." I also got a few people riled up, but the town welcomes you eventually. If I have a tip...wear something plain.

But, we have many interests like everyone else. Mine just happens to be alchemy. It does blend with the job a bit, but I enjoy the pursuit of alchemy knowledge, working with new ingredients, making something new. Being close to dominion lands helps with that. Altmer tend to be good alchemist if they don't call you scum.

As for love, you could fall for another Shadowscale, but it's difficult since the low life expectancy kinda puts a downer on that. It helps to have family to introduce you to some people, but try to find a love that has similar interests, or someone with secrets like you. I enjoy my time with them...it can be difficult at times. I've had challenges with my love, especially with the job that I had. But, I was blessed by Sithis when my job transitioned into something that doesn't require me to move around as much or put myself in danger. It was a good compromise...there is also other difficulties, difficulties that are extremely hard to overcome.

However, Shadowscales must work with what we have and our lives are short. Despite these difficulties, I'm still with them. I suppose that is what you call love.