The Financial Records and Journal of Addut-Lammanu Assemus

I reached a new town today, calling itself oh who gives a damn anymore, it's one in a dozen more that won't buy a single thing. What will I tell father now, that I didn't find many buyers again? I guess I'll go without food to pay my penance.

Azura take me, why am I still doing this? I should have stayed at sea, she would not have me, nor would my family, nor will the buyers. I should walk into the dunes of Hammerfell and never return. But I suppose I won't, will I? Why do I even keep this damn thing.

---

Last Seed? Perhaps.

I made a small sale today. It was not much, but it was something. Five more gold for me to eat, but I spent triple that on a room for the night. I should cut down my costs and start sleeping on Yapal to save on costs. I may end up having to eat him, too. But guar meat tastes atrocious, I would sooner eat my own hand I think.

My only charm is gone, I regret having to have lied to sell it. But they are n'wahs, I should not. I will have to relearn myself if I am to go back to my family.

I will have to be up early in the morning tomorrow. I cannot wait to be back 'home'. At least it has my own bed.

---

Still Last Seed. Perhaps.

Two more sales, this time for a not insignificant amount. I have four hundred and six coins of varying mint, I hope this will be enough. That is before whatever deductions I am forced to make to survive further down the road, but now it is through Black Marsh and back home. I will stay in this new town for a week or two before I continue onward.

There was, though, much to my delight, another Dunmer from Vvardenfell, one who seemed amicable to the Ashlanders. It was refreshing, and further I have learned more reside here. I hope to meet them sometime in the future, though I will not get my hopes up. Nor will I connect with them as part of me wants, I suppose. I still don't think I could handle it again.

It's too hot here."

Last Seed, plus one

I've started sleeping through the day again, that's a bad sign. I suppose it's getting worse again. I slipped up and almost said her name earlier, in front of someone, even. I almost let slip a few more things, too. I suppose I should talk to someone about this, but I doubt anyone would understand the weight of what I would have to say, especially here. What I did to myself and my family is not something these outlanders would understand.

Spent another twenty gold on a room this time. That will make a dent in what I can give them. I suppose I can't take it back now, though. Perhaps I will have some luck in a sale enough to reimburse me, but I'm not holding out.

There was some excitement, though, in the form of a very prissy Altmer. I almost worked up enough care to insult him, too. Of all the people I am forced to meet, Altmer always prove themselves the most insufferable to deal with.

I suppose I deserve this, though. I should stop complaining.

No change, forgot the days. I should check with someone.

I'm beginning to worry that I am losing sight of what my goal is out here. I almost forgot my daily prayer, and I swore Almalexia's name when Yapal bit my finger during his feeding time. Drink is no longer serving to distract me from my racing mind at night, and the fears and doubts are creeping up into my brain again. I lost my temper rather visibly in the Dawnspring inn and was in a foul mood for another hour before I met some tolerable people.

Being among all these outlanders is taxing me, perhaps. Or perhaps I am becoming like them. Neither answer to my problems is an attractive one. I pray desperately that my father will take me back soon, I cannot handle this for much longer. Whatever composure I attained when I was at sea is slowly slipping away every day.

For all my pain, though, I met someone who claims to have spoken to Ashlanders kindly. She seems rather closed-off, though I find myself wishing I could speak to her about my ills. There will be no such luck, though, I'm certain. She seems not to understand much, unfortunately. I've also been paid a substantial amount for assisting an Altmer in his studies on the Three. It's enough to cover what I spent on a room.

Most worrying, however, was my proposition to the same Altmer I had poked fun a couple of nights ago. I was able to cover it up, and pass it off as a joke, but it simply slipped out. Something is wrong with me, I would never have done that before. Something's happened to me, I must speak with a healer about it when I return to Morrowind. I'm certain it's only road madness of some sort.

Perhaps I have been away from the comforting shadow of Red Mountain for far too long, away from Dunmer for too long. Too many Altmer, perhaps, have made me this way.

?

My hair was set on fire tonight as I tried to eat. I have to cut it now, hopefully my dagger will suffice.