Dependence

Pleasure is something I seek more than gold or fame. It's natural to us mortals. What pleases us brings out the kind of person we are; a glutton from a martyr, or a tyrant from a hero. Never once have I lived up to the "ego" I wanted to fulfill. Never once have I been as rich as I claimed to be, or as powerful as I've flaunted myself. I've become self aware of that, and that's something I can live with.

Bhidul lie sat up against the wooden wall of his home, fading in and out of consciousness.

I'm not proud of this, nobody is. I have nothing left for anyone to be proud for. Who exactly have I 'helped'?

Floating blotches of light twinkled about the Khajiit's field of view, witnessing time and motion in a surreal lapse - as if he were moving through a flipbook one page at a time. Ever so gradually, he began to fade deeper and deeper into the trance, now witnessing time slowed down to a dense pulse; taking in the world of waves paced as slow as growing grass.

I feign every hour. I'm toying with a game I never asked to play. I don't wish I was dead, I just wish I weren't alive. I wish I didn't feel anything. Dull me down.

Beads of cold sweat rallied across the Khajiit's brow, running down his nose and touring the base of his chin until it dribbled down his shirt. Everything was a blur, and the only feeling that remained was the numbness he had induced - both physical and mental.

People have told me they wanted my bones smashed, and others that they wanted me around forever. I pity both. They'd be better off without me, especially after what I've done. I wonder if Anjasi can see me? How worthless of a father I am now? Nay - not a father any longer, but how hollowed of a man I've become. If she were here still, I wouldn't be in this mess. Had I not had the privilege to raise her for that short time, she wouldn't have to suffer.

Slowly, Bhidul hunched forward, face planting on the hardwood floor. He let out a loud groan. A bellow he released full of the agony and dread he felt cultivating inside him.

This mortal bliss I experience is the only escape from mortality itself. An earthly delight perhaps put here only for men like me to escape from the harsh reality. A reminder of how expendable we are as living souls. I've spent the rest of mine.


A loud pounding came thundering from the door not far from the wallowing Khajiit.

"Open up! Open up I say! The guard are here for you."

With force, the door had been breached. Several Khajiiti soldiers and an official spilled into the room, fanning outwards to retrieve the Khajiit they were looking for.

"His coin is long overdue, and we're only losing gold throwing him in the dungeon. Let him find some other teat to suck on."

Bhidul did not respond, he still laid unconscious on his floor, his gaping maw sprawled over the boards drooling.

Shortly after his abduction, Bhidul was dragged and thrown out into the cold sands - evicted from the home he had worked extensively for.


Now laid to rest in the sands, Bhidul opened his eyes and mustered all the might he could to stay awake and breathing. The cold night ruthlessly nipped at his dampened skin, and it was hard enough for his body to even shiver to keep him the slightest bit warm.

Life grows gray, even in such very few years it seems.

The only senses the Khajiit could find within himself was his altered sight and drifting mind. The stars in the sky appeared to dance on their own, swirling about to which they resembled a spider's web or a net. His eyes rolled up and down between his head.

I just have to hang on for a few more hours.

The juxtaposed feelings of euphoria and dread flooded the Khajiit's mind, controlling him with their own chaotic laws. Further and further he lapsed in and out of sobriety. The dependence developed quickly within him.

I know it's bad. But it feels so right.

The chemicals that once governed his sane mind were hijacked by the slew of narcotics he had become dangerously attracted to. In his everyday thoughts, they beckoned him until the point of torment. A succubus he so desperately relied on.

I wonder what they think of me?

And so forth, the night passed.

Somewhere about the small Elsweyr desert town was Bhidul tucked away in the forgotten rooftops. At his side sat a skooma bubbler and several small wooden bowls of moon sugar. Progressively, the Khajiit self-dosed himself into the desired high he craved. Lying belly-down on the sandstone roof, he took long, conservative pulls from the pipe, exhaling a bittersweet vapor.

I don't feel anything, just like it should be.

The Khajiit rolled onto his back, staring up at the evening sky. In the absence of sobriety, he found himself awestruck at the colors and rawness of the atmosphere. The fading colors of warm orange and blue collided to form a sunset's violet. Again, Bhidul took another draw from his pipe, and almost immediately upon finishing, dropped his head back as if exhausted. Of course, he was nowhere near exhausted physically. The Khajiit's knotted hair cushioned his head from the stony platform beneath him.

I wish it could be this way forever.

A swift sensation of tiredness flushed throughout the Khajiit's body, closing his eyes immediately upon its presence. Minutes passed as the Khajiit fell into a relaxed state - nothing filled the gaps of his mind but silence and ecstasy. The relaxation could be felt throughout his body, as well as the mental clarity; an experience that felt like an amplified meditation, or the comfort of a long-anticipated slumber.



"I've always been proud of you, Bhidul."

A voice rang through his head, and the world seemed to generate before him. The grass, trees, and sky all faded into existence almost unnaturally. In front of him conjured the sight of his mother, smiling at him. She wasn't the same as he once knew her, she seemed aged, but not to the point of deterioration of beauty.

Mother?

"No matter what happens."

Soon, the figure faded away from his world, and Bhidul scrambled to his feet. The world he was envisioning began to pine away. The earth beneath his feet grew foggy and translucent, trees grew in reverse - returning all the way to their sapling state and taking the lead with the earth as it faded out of existence. All that was left was nothing. Bhidul felt nothing, but still saw -something-. All that was visible was sky blue. Clouds had dissipated long before his realm did. The Khajiit curled himself into a fetal position and wept.

Only the sky remains. Nothing else.

Despite the euphoria he had once hungered and sated within himself, Bhidul felt a surge of uncomfort and separation. Deep dread filled his thoughts. Flashbacks replayed through his mind in a haze. The last glimpses of his mother, the ankle-high bodies in Cyrodiil, friends long vanished with time. It had seemed the harshest moments of his life came back to remind him he was, and will always be, a mortal soul.

I'm sorry.


Bhidul awoke to the cold of the night - a feeling he had now grown fond of due to his priorities. Looking up to the sky once more, he only saw darkness. Stars nor moon shown in the night sky, just the dull hum of dark purple.

I could have any color I'd like, and this is what I get?

Bhidul let out a loud cough and rolled back onto his stomach, heaving himself to his knees. More weeping followed, but things were much more painful than when he was trapped in his mind dreaming. The Khajiit crashed onto his side, curling up once more and wallowing. The rest of the night he shivered and strained to breathe. Thoughts raced throughout his mind - contrary to what his numbing agent did for him prior.